Okay. So I’ve been lurking here for a few days and have gathered some insight. I wanted to share my story and where I was currently in hopes to seeing anything else that I don’t see and for encouragement. There have been a few times since DDay that I’ve felt very alone with a wide range of emotions but reading other people’s stories have helped me through.
Anyways, to my story. Throughout my marriage (married 7 years, 2 daughters) I have lied about finances. What bills were and were not paid and I took out a $1000 loan without notifying my wife. I’m sure there are other transgressions to that I can’t remember or are perceived different than I might have intended them to be. In short I haven’t been the ideal husband.
Back in February my wife and good friend started talking via text. My wife who was notorious for leaving her phone lying around suddenly couldn’t be separated from it. That should have been my first clue. Anyways because she was getting tired of my lies we decided to do a trial separation and cohabitate. I decided to go to my parents 2 hours away. Over that weekend I decided to see if my friend, we’ll call him X, was talking to WW via IM and they were. I thought the conversation then was too flirty and immediately called my WW’s dad to talk to her so I didn’t have to go home. She was furious. I then went into scramble mode and agreed to a separation that had me staying with my parents 2 hours away. I wanted to believe her that nothing was going on and that I had really overreacted. So much so that I saved a copy of the chat and gave it to my brother and told him not to give it back to me unless we were headed to court. Over the next two months I tried to work on improving myself for my marriage. I think depression set in during this because I realized I was losing everything and thought it was entirely my fault. During one of our one on one sessions where we talked about us, I agreed to send her out on vacation. The original plan had been for her to use his extra bedroom to save us hotel fees (I know stupid). But throughout this process I thought I had a chance. Sometimes she would be flirty with me etc and I thought I might be making some progress.
While she is out on vacation I decide that I couldn’t get over the facts not adding up. I decided to hack into her laptop and see what I found. I found some provocative poses that I had never seen before. I then was able to find that her iPhone backup all of her text messages. I restored those to my laptop and read through all of them. They were bad, real bad. This was a full blown EA that I had just helped turn into a PA. I let her sister and dad know since they suspected that something wasn’t right but was trying to have faith in her.
I found this a week before she was to return (she was out there for 10 days, I found this on day 5). Instead of confronting her while she out there I sat and stewed on it for the week until she returned. We started into at the airport and continued all the way home until late into the night. We picked up again the next morning. She never admitted to doing anything physical. In fact she rarely admits to anything now that I don’t have to pry out by reading one of the texts (I have them virtually memorized).
We sat down with her sister who confronted her but didn’t get much else revealed. Her sister did get us to commit to having an answer whether or not we would want to work on this within 48 hours. During the next 48 hours there was a range of emotions from her crying to flirting. At the end of the 48 hours I admitted to wanting to R and she decided that she wasn’t sure and was going to sit on the fence (not verbatim what she said). She agreed to go to counseling if I set it up. Over the next few days I watched as any flirting stopped and she became distant. No doubt now that it was because she knew for that moment anyways that she was secure for the time being.
Then I started doing research into this. First I thought about trying some of the alternatives to counseling that says it only takes one to fix the marriage (Mort Fertel’s system as an example). I then found this site and started reading through other people’s stories and felt a little more confident in putting a plan in place.
Last night I told her I didn’t want to try and work this out anymore (8 days after the original confrontation) and that we could do dissolution with the sticking being the kids. I didn’t want anything less than shared parenting and 50/50 time. She called me a few names said I was controlling stormed away. Came back a few minutes and I guess tried to see if this was a bluff by wanting to talk about dissolution more. She picked a few minors fights in there in which I didn’t really get into it and just kept my cool. She stormed out of the house to go call X and I went to bed.
Today I decided that I wanted to expose the A because that would give me the best chance of dealing with her in reality. I know some will say I should just go but I had dreams that I wasn’t ready to give up on yet. So I exposed to mutual friends of ours so they could talk to him or whatever and I exposed to his HR department (mostly because he spent a lot of time calling and texting my wife during work hours). I have a few of our mutual friends that will begin reaching out to her tonight too. My question is there anything that I should have done differently and anything that I can be doing differently now? Secretly, my goal would be to work on a R but as I’ve seen posted here a few times you have to be willing to lose it to save it. And I also realize that the A has to end before I can effectively attack any of the issues that we might try and work out.
Any help would/encouragement would be much appreciated.
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Step one is to kill the affair. Exuding will help that.
Her initially wanting to R then turning cold is her contacting him. It feeds her brain more affair high chemicals and shuts you out.
Stop their communication if possible. Drop a key logger onto your PC and if you re paying for her iPhone consider having his number blocked in it.
You need to go harsh and nuclear on this one. Keep in mind she spent 10 days shagging him on your dime and is still living off those emotions and the bonding with him that it provided.
Is he married or with a gf? Out the affair to them too. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Never assume his parents or others know, they may however if life gets uncomfortable for him it affects them , no one wants friends and neighbours knowing their son is a cheat.
read the newbie thread thread there is info on exposure therein , key here is to make the affair problematic for them to maintain. You've been doing a great job so far , time to up the anti.
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Sorry you are here, but you are doing well by reading up and asking for advice.
Go back home. She stepped out of the M, she needs to leave.
Work on getting back to an even keel - this is very important for your own decision-making and most of all, for your girls.
Start talking to a trusted guy friend who can calmly listen, and give you objective advice on your decisions.
Snoop if you can, but at this point, it is pointless. She isn't even claiming to not be in an A. You know she is in an EA, possibly PA. Move on.
This part is important - irrespective of what she is up to, spend several hours a day visualizing, planning and researching a divorce. This is to put a plan in place in case things don't work out. This doesn't mean you HAVE to use it, but it will change your attitude to one of strength. Let me tell you, nothing scared my WW more than the news that I had called two different lawyers and talked through plans for a D. Nothing! When you show strength and a will to move on, she will realize she can't have it both ways.
While you do all this, 180 hard until she has decided to give up the A.
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Marriage problems are 50/50 between the two of you. The affair is 100% on her. With two daughters at home and a marriage in trouble she chose to spend 10 days screwing her lover. Why do you want to stay married to her?
The first step is to stop the affair. You have zero chance of any reconciliation as long as she is in contact with him. Sounds as though she was mentally checked out a long time ago and it is not going to be easy for her to put her fantasy life with him aside especially since now she considers him to be the love of her life.
Expose to everyone you can think of.
Follow through with the divorce. File the papers. List infidelity as the reason. Most states infidelity does not affect property settlements and child custody but you can still list it in the filing. The divorce can be stopped at anytime before the judge signs the final decree if she wakes up. If not you are ahead of the game.
Let her know that you are not trying to control her. She is in control of her own actions. But you have the right to determine what is acceptable to you and what is not. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HER AFFAIR.
You are on the right track. You know you have to be willing to let her go if you want to save the marriage. Do not be too quick to accept her back. The cheater script is to calm the spouse with lies and false hope then take the affair deeper underground with hidden email accounts (he could open an account using a girls name to throw you off), secret affair phones, false facebook pages.
Good luck.
Edit: Do not fall for the separation or time alone to think crap. That is just her continuing the affair with you out of the way. Go back to your house and be with your children. If she wants to leave that's up to her.
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Quote:
Originally Posted by TDSC60
Marriage problems are 50/50 between the two of you. The affair is 100% on her. With two daughters at home and a marriage in trouble she chose to spend 10 days screwing her lover. Why do you want to stay married to her?
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
OM parents my think you guys are already split up, I'd contact OM parents and tell them the both of you are going to R and ask them for there support in the marriage.
Just to cover that base... if you know what I mean.
I think you covered all the bases, gathering the proof and confronting all seems in check, Just start focusing on showing her the consequences by getting her served with divorce papers, you can always withdraw before its finalized. This is a real important step in getting her to turn a corner. So file ASAP. and name the OM in the divorce papers.
Hang in there man, and keep making this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
Figure out how they are communicating and get yourself back home. Your moving out has only enabled her freedom to cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
Yeah, sorry. That was part of the story that I left out (so much has happened). I did move back in during her vacation to watch the girls. After I discovered this I chose to not move back out. I'm currently sleeping in my bed and she is sleeping on the couch.
Sorry you are here, but you are doing well by reading up and asking for advice.
Go back home. She stepped out of the M, she needs to leave.
Work on getting back to an even keel - this is very important for your own decision-making and most of all, for your girls.
Start talking to a trusted guy friend who can calmly listen, and give you objective advice on your decisions.
Snoop if you can, but at this point, it is pointless. She isn't even claiming to not be in an A. You know she is in an EA, possibly PA. Move on.
This part is important - irrespective of what she is up to, spend several hours a day visualizing, planning and researching a divorce. This is to put a plan in place in case things don't work out. This doesn't mean you HAVE to use it, but it will change your attitude to one of strength. Let me tell you, nothing scared my WW more than the news that I had called two different lawyers and talked through plans for a D. Nothing! When you show strength and a will to move on, she will realize she can't have it both ways.
While you do all this, 180 hard until she has decided to give up the A.
Getting even keel has by far been the hardest part as I'm sure you're aware. And until recently I haven't been taking as good care of myself. When this first started (3/1) I was 217 I'm now down to 191.
Off topic for a second the weight loss was actually the final straw. I looked in the mirror at our house while she was away and I could see all the stress and what it was doing to me. I didn't actually see me if that makes sense? That's when I became bound and determined to start looking around to see what was going on.
Back on topic do you think I need to serve divorce papers as oppose to dissolution papers?
Yeah, I know. I haven't let go of certain dreams yet. But I'm only 2 weeks out from DDay so it's hard to know if I'll actually stay the course for R instead of just completing D.
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance
Quote:
Originally Posted by gnarlmen
Yeah, I know. I haven't let go of certain dreams yet. But I'm only 2 weeks out from DDay so it's hard to know if I'll actually stay the course for R instead of just completing D.
You know she screwed the OM at her vacation, but do you have any solid evidence of it? Which your WW can't just refuse? It seems she is still in deep fog and needs a hard "slap in the face".
You know she screwed the OM at her vacation, but do you have any solid evidence of it? Which your WW can't just refuse? It seems she is still in deep fog and needs a hard "slap in the face".
Unfortunately, no. But the texts left no doubt. Although I still can't get her to admit to anything. A few of our mutual friends have approached the OM and he won't fess up to anything either. -_-
I'm searching for the "hard slap". That's what it is going to require.
10Likes
Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance 
Re: Help with ending an EA turned PA long distance 
