I had to contact my WS about some feelings my daughter has been having lately. Basically she doesn't feel connected to her Dad anymore at all. For example he picked her up for dinner last Tuesday and had her home in 15 minutes. He drove her through the drive through at McDonald's and hardly even said a word to her. He has her every other weekend but since he doesn't have his own place he only takes her for a few hours. And of course he has changed so much to be what the OW wants she doesn't even know who he is. Last night she was really upset and crying that she wants her Dad back - not this dark person he is trying to be. It really really got to me. I have tried getting through to her Dad but I am just the bad guy. And to add insult to injury she called him on Saturday to spend the day with her and he argued with her about it not being his weekend so he couldn't. She was pretty upset so he finally admitted he was out of town and couldn't. That led to resentment because he was of course out of town with his OW and in her eyes she is now placed second.
So I decided to email him a little bit today about our little girl. I found out that he has moved in with a different friend and was trying to get on government assistance. No joking. This same guy 6 months ago would have frowned on this behavior. I asked him if he was kidding and he really jumped down my throat about how I was looking down on him. I simply told him that he had EVERYTHING and it was his choice to give it all up. He told me it wouldn't be right to stay in the marriage for material reasons. So this guy would apparently rather be broke and on welfare than be married to me anymore...WTF!! I am baffled. I think the woman he is messing around with may be on this type of assistance - because I just can't imagine him coming up with this on his own. We have always worked our butts off!
Well things went sour from there. And I got the whole speech: I have been unhappy for a very long time. Regardless of her I don't want to be married anymore. I tried marriage and it just wasn't for me I should have left a long time ago. You are a good mother and friend with a big heart and there is nothing wrong with you. (Gee Thanks!! I feel a ton better now. Yeesh)
I am just baffled. This is the same guys who 9 month ago would say he did everything for my daughter and I and that he loved being married. He "loved his girls". It took him 14 years to figure out marriage wasn't for him???? Now he says he only said those things to me because he didn't want to hurt me. Would someone really lie for that many years?? Why say how much you love being married if you can't stand it?
I think if I had picked up the signs and saw this coming I would be doing much better. For me it was a lightening bolt struck. I am baffled and angry.
I wonder if the assistance stuff is a game to avoid paying alimony and child support ? Just wonder of the trash hag he is dating is giving him pointers? Posted via Mobile Device
He's not able to get it because his salary is above the poverty level. (Way above). I am getting about 70% of his salary at the moment. Which is going to decrease. So he thought he could get assistance because of that. I just never saw him as being the type that would even try something like that. Like I said that just isn't us. But I guess it's him now.
The real kicker is that he still has money to drive 2.5 hours north every other weekend and stay in her town. Where is that money coming from? La-La Land?
I am sorry, this must be shocking. I can easily see myself in your shoes and I would have the same reaction. The only other thing I can think of that explains such bizarre behavior would be substance abuse.
I am so sorry about the situation with your daughter. I hope you have her in counseling. As you know, it is so easy for her to think that he left because of her, or has stopped showing affection because of something she did. It is all just so UNFAIR and AWFUL. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you are in counseling too. When he says he was never happy, that is classic re-writing of marital history. He has to invent a lie for the past to justify his outrageously selfish behavior. If he fully confronted the horrible things he has done, his mind would likely crack in two.
He's in the fog. You're lucky to be rid of him. Your daughter might be hurting now, but you and she should 180 him and go and spend some time together doing mother-daughter stuff and having fun. Eventually, things will be okay, but you can help her accept this situation a bit by trying to get her mind off of the absence in both of your lives. Hang in there. He sounds like a crackpot and I bet his AP has him falling apart; one day he will see it, but your life won't be tied to that downward spiral if you cut him out of your days and just find a way to make do in other ways.
Sorry ur hurting over this
@ least he's being honest w/ you! You have a free and clear path ahead of you. My X dragged it out for a year and a half!!! Everytime I said I was going to file she'd lie and tell me she wanted to be married!! We did 36 weeks of MC and @ the end she filed for divorce!! Happy day for me but what a waste of time and money!!!
I do know people change, some just get worried they didn't enjoy life enough and can't see the happiness they've always had...untill it's too late. His loss GF, your gain. I know it hurts now, but you'll recover and be much happier w/o his lazy axx.
Mouse
Yes I believe he is being honest. He is being perfectly clear in stating the he does NOT want to be married anymore. I just feel duped. 9 months ago this guys was talking about how much he loved "his girls" - was I living a lie then? I feel like my life has been a complete lie. It's frustrating as hell.
He has been gone for 4 months so I thought I would broach the topic of us again and he was really clear that he doesn't want to be married. I asked him if it wasn't for the OW if we would be headed for divorce right now and he said regardless he doesn't want to be married. Is it possible that he was really lying to me all those years?
I just feel lost. How can someone just up and walk away from a 14 year marriage and their family. Tell you how much they love you one day and then the next they feel nothing.
Yes I believe he is being honest. He is being perfectly clear in stating the he does NOT want to be married anymore. I just feel duped. 9 months ago this guys was talking about how much he loved "his girls" - was I living a lie then? I feel like my life has been a complete lie. It's frustrating as hell.
He has been gone for 4 months so I thought I would broach the topic of us again and he was really clear that he doesn't want to be married. I asked him if it wasn't for the OW if we would be headed for divorce right now and he said regardless he doesn't want to be married. Is it possible that he was really lying to me all those years?
I just feel lost. How can someone just up and walk away from a 14 year marriage and their family. Tell you how much they love you one day and then the next they feel nothing.
Is there any possibility of substance abuse? I asked this before.
I only bring it up because the part I think is bizarre is that he isn't just walking away from you, but also from, apparently, a "normal" middle class lifestyle. It's not uncommon (sadly) for a spouse to have a secret life that is hidden from you, and to up and walk away because they've created a ready-made "new" life that they just go off to enjoy. But most people really like stability and creature-comforts and wouldn't just abandon those too along with their family (after all, people in affairs are EXTREMELY selfish people!).
He is a high functioning alcoholic. When he lived at home he would come to bed every night doing the "zombie shuffle". He actually had an experience last May where he fell down and passed out on the way to bed because his heart was acting odd. He went to the doctor and it turned out he had a palpitation brought on from alcohol abuse. He stopped drinking for the month of May - well about 2 weeks. But then he started again and something with him changed he wasn't the same after that.
If you go back and read my original post you will see that he has an odd hobby - paranormal research. He would go away with a group of people each weekend to investigate. Well apparently they also drink pretty damn heavy. A friend told me that at least 2 members of the team get smashed into the early morning. This is where he met his OW. And I honestly don't know anything about her other than she looks like a Goth Chick
( I am a professional) and has 3 kids. The oldest has something similar to autism but also has tumors from it and the youngest has a speech impediment. The middle child likes to blow stuff up and the OW thinks things that burned objects are artistic. In contrast my daughter is an honor roll student - vocal lessons - well rounded kid. And now my WS is wearing a wide brimmed hat with skulls on it and a leather cuff bracelet. It's like he has regressed to being a teenager.
Oddly enough he will throw it in my face that I have everything and he has nothing. He left it!! I keep telling him that. And he told me that it wasn't right to stay in the marriage for materialistic reasons.
I don't know for sure but I would bet they have some pot floating around too. Not sure if anything else has been introduced. I don't do any of it. I grew up.
And I did start telling him this fall that he seemed to have more fun with his "team" than he did with me. He started referring to them as his family. It's all a bit odd.
He's in a fog, nothing he says is the whole truth, so don't feel like your life was a lie. Most likely it was all real and he did love you, but there were communication breakdowns, which happen in all relationships. You choose to deal with it like a big girl and honor your commitment and fix things when they're wrong, he runs the other direction. I heard almost the exact crap verbatim "it has nothing to do with her, I've been unhappy for a long time" yet everyone was shocked to hear he had left. Start moving forward. You don't want to be with him, trust me. Your daughter is an unfortunate victim in this. All you can do is tell her that her father loves her and you love her, but that grown ups make bad choices sometimes, too, and he'll have to deal with them when he realizes the mistakes he's making. But right now you can just take care of the two of you. And make your relationship even stronger. Be truthful in an age appropriate way. How old is she, btw? Don't hold back, let her call him on his sh!t. Disgraceful. Sorry he's being a deadbeat. Unfortunately that usually gets worse with time, so here's to hoping for a wake up call!
I keep telling myself that it's all the fog. But wow it's such a strange thing for me. This man was loyal to be through everything and had my back until October when the OW came into the picture. We had a decent marriage so I am baffled by all of the I was unhappy for a very long time. There were problems but nothing that I saw as permanent until he did this.
Up until October he was "I love you" "I love my girls" "Everything I do is for my family" etc. Even during the three months we were still living together and I had a hankering he was with another woman he would continue to tell me how much he loved me and how great we were for one another. Then it slowly started to go away and we totally lost our connection as he became more connected to this woman. Then he left and it has been trickle truth ever since. And now he says he only told me that he loved me and tried to convince me that we were perfect for one another because he never wanted to hurt me. It's just totally insane.
I guess I should just be glad that he is being honest and telling me that he does not want to be married anymore. It just hurts being rejected by the one person you were the closest to. He is signing all of the legal paperwork without haste so I guess he is just ready to get out. It's sad. I know I need to move. I am just still in shock some days.
Depending on when he started drinking and the amount it could have stiffled his maturation. I have followed your threads since the beginning and your husband comes across as an odd duck. I feel sorry for where you are at in life. He does not care and his odd behaviors are so immature. Let him go.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Thanks Thorburn. I think that I lived with his behaviors for so long and he would always convince me that they were normal that I believe it now. The OW is an odd duck too and I am pretty sure that is what attracted the two of them together because I am pretty "normal". I actually started beating myself up for not being more obscure because that's apparently what he wants at this point in his life. I saw a photo of her wearing cut-off shorts with fish nets under them and combat boots. It reminds me of something I would have worn when I was a teenager and going through the whole non-conformist angst stage. But I grew up. I think I need to remind myself that my behavior is the healthy and normal behavior not his. He is highly immature and walking out on his family to hunt ghosts with his OW is glaring evidence of that.
When we first moved in together I was 18. He was drinking then and he has drank every night ever since. We have been together for 14 years. I don't know why I ever put up with that. He would always convince me that it wasn't a big deal and I would just let it go. Then like I said in May he had an episode and was not the same after that. After that I started asking him "what's wrong?" all the time. Something was clearly wrong - but he always told me that it had nothing to do with me.
I do need to let him go. I think I am missing "what could have been." not what actually was. I was always the stable one.
10Likes
Wow. This just keeps getting better. 
Happy day for me but what a waste of time and money!!! 
