When does infidelity begin?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » When does infidelity begin?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-08-2012, 04:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When does infidelity begin?

My ex is talking to her friends and some of my former friends and saying she was faithful to me and she did the "noble" thing by telling me it was over and then walking out the door and moving right in with the dude...she is saying she didnt actually have sex with the guy until after she moved out so technically she did not commit adultery because we were separated at the time she started sleeping with the dude. Sorta messes with my mind and I think perhaps shes right. I don't know?
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

So she had found her new soulmate the same night she stormed out of the door. Right.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Bluff... She's lying. Typical. Good riddance for you
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Old 05-08-2012, 05:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

She knows how bad this looks to her friends and family so she made up this story to make herself look better. Now she can deflect the blame for the failure of your relationship onto you.

Don't believe her for a second!
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Old 05-08-2012, 05:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

If they believe that, I have some ocean front land to sell...real cheap...honest.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

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Originally Posted by bigtone128 View Post
My ex is talking to her friends and some of my former friends and saying she was faithful to me and she did the "noble" thing by telling me it was over and then walking out the door and moving right in with the dude...she is saying she didnt actually have sex with the guy until after she moved out so technically she did not commit adultery because we were separated at the time she started sleeping with the dude. Sorta messes with my mind and I think perhaps shes right. I don't know?
It didn't happen that way, but even if it did it's still adultery. Was this a legal separation as a required precursor to divorce in your state?
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

These things take time. I see the following:

Inappropriate behavior -> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating.

I think infidelity begins within the unfaithful area. Well before full blown sex.

I am not a believer in separation but this seems more like she just left.

Messed up over wife's affair - what do I do?

Is it my fault???

Looking at these other threads of yours she seems to have been unfaithful and leading the single life before this.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Tell all your friends (and anyone else who will listen) that physical adultery is the CULMINATION of an affair (unless it's a one night stand with a stranger). In other words, before there was the physical, there was the creation of a secret, private bond that she did not share with you. She shared intimate (whether physical or no) affection with this person, likely exchanged I Love Yous, all of which are betrayals of her marriage vows.

She is in deep denial about the horrible thing that she has done.

She is lying to herself and everyone else because she cannot face how terrible a person she is, to do this to you in such a passive-agressive, childish way.

Real adults ask for a divorce if they don't want to be married.

Immature cowards form "friendships" with members of the opposite sex, hide the relationship from their spouse, fall in love, get discovered, THEN move in with each other. She gets an "A" for adultery.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

Your ex is completely full of crap... She was fully engaged in a PA (Physical Affair) with this guy in order to decide she was comfortable leaving you. Don't believe a word of it.

Even by her own story, she's still full of crap because in order to get to the point where she was comfortable leaving you for this other guy means she was forming an emotional bond with him leading up to her leaving. In the relationship world that's called an EA (Emotional Affair) and it is still considered infidelity.

She's just trying to make herself feel better about her act of betrayal... but either way she was being unfaithful to you whether it was sexual or not.

But really... I don't think cheaters usually make the choice to move on at the EA phase... I think it usually tends to happen when the affair has gone full-blown PA and they're already "tasting the goods" with the other person.

Don't let her fool you man... and take every opportunity you can to educate those friends about this to paint the real picture on the untrustworthy liar she really is.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

ask her if she told you all along that she was meeting/texting/phoning/emailing with a man in order to determine he was the right stuff to move in with, of course she hid it and she was cheating then
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

To me infidelity begins the moment you are presented with a choice between the OM/OW and your spouse and your spouse loses. For example, that moment was crystal clear in my EA. I knew the relationship with my soon to be AP was inappropriate but had not yet crossed into unfaithfulness. I resolved to go home and tell my wife about it knowing that would be the end of the relationship with the OW. I told the OW of my plans (mistake). She begged - pleaded - with me not to tell my wife. Asking me why I felt compelled to do so, didn't I know my wife would insist on cutting off contact, what was so different about her (OW) taht I felt compelled to tell my wife? When her IM attempts failed to convince me she asked if she could call me - we had not yet spoken on the phone since our last conversation 22 years prior. I agreed and sent her my phone number. Needless to say she convinced me and I did not tell my wife. That moment - the moment where I knew I was involved in something that I needed to tell my wife and I was presented with a choice of doing right by my wife or choosing the interest of the OW and I chose the OW was the moment my infidelity began.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

The infidelity began when she started being in a relationship with the OM that would permit her to move in with him. She cheated during the time she was setting him up to move onto.

And separation is still married, it isn't a free pass to cheat.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: When does infidelity begin?

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Originally Posted by bigtone128 View Post
she did the "noble" thing by telling me it was over and then walking out the door and moving right in with the dude...she is saying she didnt actually have sex with the guy until after she moved out so technically she did not commit adultery because we were separated at the time she started sleeping with the dude.
Not only is she a liar, but she is a bad liar. It is not believable that the OM would let her move in with him unless they were already sleeping with each other first. Most cheaters have the decency to live on their own for a little bit as cover before moving in with the other man (OM), so that it would not be so obvious that they had already had sex. Also, infidelity begins when you are unfaithful, and she was unfaithful when she was in a relationship with another man that lead her to move out.

Additionally, separation is legally a time that married people try to work things out while still married. If she wants to be technical, she should be technical, you are in fact married until you are divorced. Separation is not divorce, end of story. Since you are still married, she is committing adultery according to all faiths, and in states where adultery is a factor in divorce settlements, it would be treated as such by the courts.

Last edited by TRy; 05-08-2012 at 09:54 PM.
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