And when you do move back, make sure you do it with a quiet confidence.
"Honey, I"m hooooooooooome." LOL.
No but seriously, go home. Be confident. If she gives you smack, tell her "Wife, I thoguht about it and it just doesn't make sense that I'd leave my home when you are the one who wants a separation and are having actively having an affair while we're married with X (his name). So Daddy's back. If you want to have an affair, that's on you but it personally doesn't work for me. Either we are both committed to our marriage or not. I am all for restoring things and working on things, but not while you are openly cheating while we're married. Choice is yours."
BE CALM. DO NOT fall into her trying to bait you into arguments. The more confident, calm, cool you are--the most WTF she will feel and that, my dear, will be your trump card.
But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.
I guess that's fine, I already tried that but was sucked back in a bit and that actually made me feel angry, but thought some contact better than none at all.
At times I'd like nothing more than to drop his name to her, but that would likely force NC for sure I think, and that's what I'm unsure of.
Everything is mine so it would definitely force a total and clean break, just thought maybe it's best to not go there yet.
I agree with everyone else here. You HAVE to go back to your house - it's your house! Stop looking at her like the person you fell in love with and look at her for what she is now - a cheater!
If she wants to cheat, then she can go move in with her new boyfriend.
I think you're being too nice to her. She's playing you
If you go back and confront her, and she says she's going to leave, then count yourself lucky! That means you dodged a bullet marrying someone that is so selfish that she thinks she can cheat right in front of you and get away with it. I would bet she'd do it again, because she obviously doesn't have any remorse!
I can see from your posts that you're scared to push her away. You are scared of losing her. She is 'only' a girlfriend, and you don't have divorce to hold over her head, after all is said and done.
Here's a tip--that we, ALL of us, can see, and we are puzzled why you cannot:
she has pushed herself away from YOU. She has pushed YOU right out of your home. You can't push her any further away!
You have NOTHING to lose at this point by moving back in. You will not win her back waving at her through the windows of your home. All you are doing is demonstrating to her--proving to her with each passing day--why she made the brilliant move of falling for her EA partner.
Compared to you--and I can say this without ever having met him or you--he is strong, masculine, tough. He can fight fierce dragons, he is saving her from a life of ennui and milquetoast men--like you. Oh, I know, that is a pile of crap. In fact, he probably is a loser--maybe he's unemployed, or he's got a GF right now that he's forgotten to mention, or he owes the IRS $50,000. But she is not preoccupied with getting to know the real him. She's just enjoying every minute of the pretend him inside the fantasy bubble.
Pop the fantasy bubble and you stand a chance of becoming the knight in shining armor who picks up the pieces of the EA gone south. Enable the fantasy bubble (you are doing a terrific A+ job at this so far, BTW!) and you will "push" it up high into the air so that it can float far away into the distance, with her inside it.
Alright guys, it seems so obvious seeing it in writing but let me make sure I'm following here.
A week ago she needed space and I a weekend to myself.
Since then the EA has progressed every night on the phone and she's told me we're wrong together, blames me for things she never has before, and says she and I should just be friends.
That obviously says we're through, however, I know a lot of it is the emotional high she's on and she really didn't get that far away in a few days, and her recent behavior confirms this.
I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that it's over and my options are to either go in there and blow it all up and end up with no communication at all
Or let her do what she want's while I do the same and see if anything comes from what little we're left with now. I know it's not much if anything but it's something more than nothing.
Consensus seems to be to tell her what I know, and I want to, I guess I just really am worried that I don't have any real leverage to tell her to stop and I'd be closing the door completely, a door that she's left open however small it may be.
To me this was a bit contradictory, I need to go back but that would likely result in NC and I could already do that without the showdown and be able to retain something.
I guess what I'm failing to see is it isn't going to get any better by leaving her alone, and I should just confront her because we'd probably stand about as much chance with NC as we do with whatever this is we have now.
The men will understand this part, we've since had ex sex, and I'm not sure why but she actually agreed to have it some more so I'd be lying if I said that doesn't make me put up with a lot of sh** but I'm going to try and take this advice and bring some closure of some kind to this mess.
Since then the EA has progressed every night on the phone and she's told me we're wrong together, blames me for things she never has before, and says she and I should just be friends.
That obviously says we're through, however, I know a lot of it is the emotional high she's on and she really didn't get that far away in a few days, and her recent behavior confirms this.
You are dead on, it IS an emotional high.
What you are not getting is, HOW do you get her off this emotional high.
Whether anyone likes it or not, biology plays big role here.
Women are not attracted to wimps. When you caved and moved out, you:
--helped the EA to thrive--you said so yourself!
--gave her a "kick me" sign and told her to tape it to your back
both of these things are convincing her you are a DOORMAT! Doormats are limp, boring, and unattractive, and you use them to wipe your shoes.
What is the antithesis of a doormat? Tell us in your own words--what would a proverbial tough guy have done?
Alright guys, it seems so obvious seeing it in writing but let me make sure I'm following here.
A week ago she needed space and I a weekend to myself.
Since then the EA has progressed every night on the phone and she's told me we're wrong together, blames me for things she never has before, and says she and I should just be friends.
That obviously says we're through, however, I know a lot of it is the emotional high she's on and she really didn't get that far away in a few days, and her recent behavior confirms this.
I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that it's over and my options are to either go in there and blow it all up and end up with no communication at all
Or let her do what she want's while I do the same and see if anything comes from what little we're left with now. I know it's not much if anything but it's something more than nothing.
Consensus seems to be to tell her what I know, and I want to, I guess I just really am worried that I don't have any real leverage to tell her to stop and I'd be closing the door completely, a door that she's left open however small it may be.
To me this was a bit contradictory, I need to go back but that would likely result in NC and I could already do that without the showdown and be able to retain something.
I guess what I'm failing to see is it isn't going to get any better by leaving her alone, and I should just confront her because we'd probably stand about as much chance with NC as we do with whatever this is we have now.
The men will understand this part, we've since had ex sex, and I'm not sure why but she actually agreed to have it some more so I'd be lying if I said that doesn't make me put up with a lot of sh** but I'm going to try and take this advice and bring some closure of some kind to this mess.
I am sorry you are here. Unfortunately you are not reading the situation correctly. Your girlfriend does not respect you in the slightest. With you out of the home and letting her have her EA (or PA for all you know) you are reinforcing her vision of you as undesirable. THERE IS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION.
GET OFF THIS ROAD!
If you really want this woman, move back into your house. Tell her you know. Tell her she either goes no contact or she is out of your house. Don't be nasty, needy or beg. Be positive, happy and be willing to let her find her happiness elsewhere. Two things could happen.
1) She chooses to stay and you have what you want. (you will have a long haul picking up the pieces, though)
2) She moves out and you end up right where you are now except you have your self respect and she will see you as a man, not a sniveling wimp. Even if she moves out, there is a good chance that the EA will fall apart and she will want to return to the relationship
The course you have chosen is the one that has the least chance of a successful outcome. Please read the "just let them go" thread and "Man up" stuff. You need it! Also, if she leaves, get your ring back. In almost every state that ring is yours until you get married.
1) It's not about controlling her or telling her what she can or can't do. It's about your boundaries and what you are and are not willing to accept from her. If she can't respect your boundaries, then wish her well and end it. Stop allowing the disrespect of her carrying on with OM in your home.
2) The ring is part of the contract of her agreeing to marry you. If she leaves, get the ring back. Don't let her leave with it or you'll end up having to sue her to get the value. And as a rule, it's not good to sue people you've slept with.
3) And lastly, sorry to say, but a bf/gf thing (no matter how serious, is not being married. It's an audition for the real thing. She has failed her audition and got you scrambling to fix this. UGH, MAN the F*** UP. That is your only hope. With her, and in life.
Your getting the only advice that gives you any chance of ever seeing your LT Gf again.
Move home. Tonight.
Confront her and tell her that if she wants to continue the EA she can go somewhere else to get space.
Stay calm.
if she moves out then she moves out. The thing is that at least you will have your house to sleep in!
Do you have joint finances? Start the ball rolling on separating them out now. Specially the phone!
This is your ONLY chance of stopping this. Do it. Do it all now. If this goes PA then you might as well forget her.
We have see enough EA like this to know that you have to act fast.
Let me tell you a little story,
About 15 years a go my W had an A and I blow it off, started to do my own thing and she did hers That A lasted a month and she moved on.....she moved on to 20 other men and had a life style that became more and more dangerous. My W became self distructive with booze and ONS by 2010.
You are approaching this wrong, blow this crap up now, let her get pissed. Mad is good it means you are doing something right. So stop letting your chick emotionally black mail you and confront her.
Forgeting it and just doing your own things does not work, I can tell you this with the up most certainty.
But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.
I guess that's fine, I already tried that but was sucked back in a bit and that actually made me feel angry, but thought some contact better than none at all.
At times I'd like nothing more than to drop his name to her, but that would likely force NC for sure I think, and that's what I'm unsure of.
Everything is mine so it would definitely force a total and clean break, just thought maybe it's best to not go there yet.
Dude, it's already over. She had you move out of your house so you wouldn't get in the way of her cheating. The choice has been made and you lost. Now stop being a doormat waiting for her to stop cheating and take back your life and your future. Posted via Mobile Device
Or let her do what she want's while I do the same and see if anything comes from what little we're left with now. I know it's not much if anything but it's something more than nothing.
And this is the worst choice of all of your options.
Know that.
You talk of "leverage" and not sure what "leverage" you have but you, sir, have a lot of leverage. Instead of letting her play Limbo with you, tell her the game is over. Either she commits to the marriage or you are done. It's quite simple, really.
Seriously, take the advice you're given here. I wish I had been on this forum when I first discovered my wife's affair. I played nice and tried to show her how much I cared and loved her. She in turn walked all over me. She didn't even begin to feel bad until we legally separated and now she's depressed that I've filed for divorce. Yours will continue to walk all over you until you take a hard stand and show her that her behavior will not be tolerated. Even then it may be too late.
Do what's best for you and make sure that she knows that you're no longer her doormat. She wants to date other people......divorce her.
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Re: Need help with EA, "space" 
