Posted this in another area as well...but thought general could help too...
So...quick bit of background...My wife and I have been on shaky ground for about 3 months now...been married 2 years...she left on vacation to visit family with our 2 children, one 10 one almost 6 months...was supposed to be 2 weeks turned into a month and a half after a fight...
She came home and it has been up and down for almost amonth now...There is no cheating involved...but she tells me she doesnt want to be with me and yesterday told me she doesnt love me anymore while i was at work...when i got home she acted as if nothing was wrong. i think she has postpartum, but will never say anything to her it has to come from a doctor. We have started to see a counselor, but he has been on vaction for 2 of the 3 weeks she has been home.
Anyway...onto my question. While she told me she doesnt love me anymore...at night (we still sleep in same bed) she will sometimes hold my hand or cuddle up on me. Last night she cuddled, kissed me and held my hand for almost the whole night...this is AFTER telling me she didnt love me anymore earlier in the day.
So what does it mean when a your wife is cuddling, holding hands or kissing you while sleeping? She knows its me there...im confused.
Can you provide a little more detail / proof to us that she is not in an affair.
When my husband told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me, he was in an affair. But I never knew it. I had to accidentally stumble across his secret emails many months later. I now know you cannot tell if someone is cheating on you without hard proof.
As far as the way that she's acting--she wants the security of marriage and the freedom to be single.
I am glad you already have an appointment with a counselor. It could be PPD or general depression.
But the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You is generally code for, I don't want to be loyal to you any more, because I want to engage in behavior that married people aren't allowed to do. So I'm giving you the ILYBINILWY speech as advance warning that I'm about to do some things that you would not approve of, while staying married to you. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you what those things are, and I'm not going to actually file for divorce. I just need a clear conscience while I "mentally" divorce you with these words.
Oh, dear, Gberg. I was the one who left, and yes, I did hold hands and cuddle sometimes, because I felt sorry for him. You have to talk to her. Ask this of her, not of us.
TALK TO HER. It's not easy, I know, but you gotta do it. Good luck.
Can you provide a little more detail / proof to us that she is not in an affair.
When my husband told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me, he was in an affair. But I never knew it. I had to accidentally stumble across his secret emails many months later. I now know you cannot tell if someone is cheating on you without hard proof.
As far as the way that she's acting--she wants the security of marriage and the freedom to be single.
I am glad you already have an appointment with a counselor. It could be PPD or general depression.
But the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You is generally code for, I don't want to be loyal to you any more, because I want to engage in behavior that married people aren't allowed to do. So I'm giving you the ILYBINILWY speech as advance warning that I'm about to do some things that you would not approve of, while staying married to you. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you what those things are, and I'm not going to actually file for divorce. I just need a clear conscience while I "mentally" divorce you with these words.
well she doesnt actually say she loves me but isnt in love with me....she wont say she loves me...she actually said she doesnt love me anymore....
As for cheating...i have straight up asked...she says no...i have to beleive it....she was cheated on in an earlier marriage and said she never would because iof it....now is it possible she is?? of course...but i have zero proof and have to go by what she says.
She wants out of the marriage are her words one minute and then acting normal like nothing is wrong the next.
Basically...what does loving on me while shes sleeping mean is my question despite all of the things she says...
this is right around Postpartum time after having a baby and her mother and others think she has it...i have read a ton about women that have it and turn away from their husbands because of it...
Oh, dear, Gberg. I was the one who left, and yes, I did hold hands and cuddle sometimes, because I felt sorry for him. You have to talk to her. Ask this of her, not of us.
TALK TO HER. It's not easy, I know, but you gotta do it. Good luck.
So i should question her about what she does while sleeping?? I'm staying strong throughout this hoping it is the illness of postpartum...if not...ill deal with what comes...but i have to continue to try in case it is just the illness and stick by my wife is my feeling
As for cheating...i have straight up asked...she says no...i have to beleive it....she was cheated on in an earlier marriage and said she never would because iof it....now is it possible she is?? of course...but i have zero proof and have to go by what she says.
asking a cheater if they are cheating is not going to get you anywhere and hardly reliable, especially when you have such red flags
and yes people who have been cheated on are capable of cheating and we've seen it plenty of times on CWI before
you need to at the very least rule it out, because if she is cheating you can't work on saving it while she is in lala fantasy land with OM
asking a cheater if they are cheating is not going to get you anywhere and hardly reliable, especially when you have such red flags
and yes people who have been cheated on are capable of cheating and we've seen it plenty of times on CWI before
you need to at the very least rule it out, because if she is cheating you can't work on saving it while she is in lala fantasy land with OM
While i have my suspicioins...its not worth the agony of stressing over and thinking thats what it is...if it turns out that is the truth...then sucks to be me...but while i am staying strong and pushing through this...im not going to let those thoughts invade my mind...not worth it...
While i have my suspicioins...its not worth the agony of stressing over and thinking thats what it is...if it turns out that is the truth...then sucks to be me...but while i am staying strong and pushing through this...im not going to let those thoughts invade my mind...not worth it...
so you would rather bury your head in the sand and hope it is "just" PP depression?
do you want to fight for your marriage or not? Because if you do then you need to be prepared to have all of the information by your side in order to do that. Besides, if she isn't then you can proceed with confidence having checked it out. Information is not just what you know but what you don't know yet and should know.
It means she has a great deal of internal conflict
Right...so inside she loves me but outside she doesnt...Do you think i should ask her about it? or leave it alone and let it come out during counseling or somewhere else?
I guess im just really confused about how to react or feel about all this...kills me when she says she doesnt want to be with me but i can deal with that...but i love how she is when she sleeps...she is my wife again and i dont want to lose that...even if it is during sleep
When I left my first husband I had zero feelings for him. He was an abusive angry and unfaithful person.
I did not cheat on him, nor did I lead him on by any means. I packed up my clothes and my daughter. I filed for divorce right away and it was final with in 3 months. I learned my lesson from that marriage.
It's not fair that your wife is sending mixed signals. It sounds like she is not sure what she wants either. Taking care of two young children could be taking its toll.
Maybe you guys could work on your marriage through MC. Communication is so important. My husband and I tell each other everything. I never had depression, but I do know it's best to have it treated. Good luck.
so you would rather bury your head in the sand and hope it is "just" PP depression?
do you want to fight for your marriage or not? Because if you do then you need to be prepared to have all of the information by your side in order to do that. Besides, if she isn't then you can proceed with confidence having checked it out. Information is not just what you know but what you don't know yet and should know.
I have been fighting and doing what needs to be done...Besides trying to steal her facebook password or looking through her locked phone somehow...no way for me to know...and i cant subject myself to snooping like that...feels wrong...you dont have to understand...but i still trust her word despite everything...
Also...its not JUST PP Depression...that is serious...and it has to be handled carefully on my end to not risk pushing her further out the door...it may be a losing battle but im willing to fight it
When I left my first husband I had zero feelings for him. He was an abusive angry and unfaithful person.
I did not cheat on him, nor did I lead him on by any means. I packed up my clothes and my daughter. I filed for divorce right away and it was final with in 3 months. I learned my lesson from that marriage.
It's not fair that your wife is sending mixed signals. It sounds like she is not sure what she wants either. Taking care of two young children could be taking its toll.
Maybe you guys could work on your marriage through MC. Communication is so important. My husband and I tell each other everything. I never had depression, but I do know it's best to have it treated. Good luck.
Thank you! we have a session next week...and are doing a communications study as well...she just has good and bad days and I gotta ride the wave. The mixed signals are tough though
you do realize that this also a HUGE red flag that she may be cheating?
I give up, I tried
and I am very sincere when I say that I hope you won't be back in a week to a few months to a few years because the affair comes to light because she leaves you for OM, I really really really hope that this is that rare case of not cheating
you do realize that this also a HUGE red flag that she may be cheating?
I give up, I tried
and I am very sincere when I say that I hope you won't be back in a week to a few months to a few years because the affair comes to light because she leaves you for OM, I really really really hope that this is that rare case of not cheating
I know the flags...i have the suspicions...i know its a major possibility...i just choose not to think of it...if it is true...then i have to deal with that...but ill already be ready for it because i thought it may be that way...thank you for your concern and i appreciate your insight. Cheating is just not always what the answer is...as delusional as i may sound
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Question for Ladies that want to leave... 
