I know all of the details won't be in this first post. My mind is so mixed up and has been since D-Day, please forgive me for not saying what needs to be said, or supplying the info needed to understand my story. Please ask me any questions my post raises. I don't have a lot of time on the board, but promise to come back when I can to respond and read the comments you all may post.
Part 1
Wife and I have been together for 18 years. Married 17. We have two kids. D-Day was August 12th 2011. The AP is a former boyfriend of hers when they were in High School together. I discovered the affair by looking through an old phone of hers. It is both of ours first marriage. I am 12 years older than her.
We have had a history of possible infidelity before this, but that is only supposition on my part. Because of what I found out on D-Day, the earlier event(s) seems more likely to me now.
She was away on business. She's supposed to only be gone for a day or two at the most. The trip of course, ends up being 5 days long. I do believe now she knew all along how long she would be away. The weekend starts and I'm bored. Our main way on communicating during her business trips is by cell phones. Usually texting as she is on the road most of the time during her trips. (She is with a business partner and doesn't drive much, just so you know.) I've been having major problems with my cell phone. Texts not sending, or double or triple sending. Getting notifications and receiving nothing. She suggests when she returns, we take my phone back and get one like hers which is much newer and uses different operating system. I don't know anything about the newer system and decided to try and learn about it.
She has two phones, both identical. One for business one for personal use that she had turned off. This phone is at home with me. I never really messed with it as I didn't understand it very well. Today, frustrated with my phone, I decide I'll take the plunge and finally figure out the newer phone. After about half an hour I start to see why she likes the phone so much. The only thing I couldn't find was texting option on the phone. I hit a button and a new screen opens up. Texting menu. Finally I think and start seeing names I recognize. She is always on her phone talking to someone so the fact that my name isn't on the first screen doesn't surprise me. So I flip through the names looking for mine. Seeing names I know, and one I don't.
On this phone it shows the name and last text sent or received in the list. The text under the name is "Send me some Pics!!" Now her sending pics isn't that unusual because she does this a lot in the business she does, but something told me to open this folder. My hands start to shake as I read the last exchange between the two of them. The way she talks to him is the way I wish she would talk to me. I put the phone down and think about what should I do next. I decide I have to know, and load the full history of the texts between the two of them. It goes back almost a full year. I can see they started out slowly. He talks about friends they had while in school. His life, his kids, his ex-wife... They rarely talk about her except her business. There are gaps of months between texts. Then in the spring of 2011 they start talking daily. I can see by now they have been talking on the phone. They discuss meeting each other sometime when she comes through town on a business trip, but never can seem to find the time.
One day she leaves on a spur of the moment trip. Some legal issues have come up and she is needed out of state. Being the supportive husband at the time I told her to go, take care of it and be safe. She starts texting him as soon as she leaves. She explains what has happened and tells him what she is going to do on this trip. Small talk most of the trip, but she starts saying she wishes she could see him. He says the same things. They talk more about meeting. He asks her if everything is okay at home? She says it's fine, but she has just been thinking a lot about him. She tells him she has thought about him everyday since school. Then tells him she never stopped loving him. He said he had no idea she felt that way. He brings up a meeting they had just before she and I got married. He had tried to talk her out of marrying me. (He and I have never met.) She said she may have done that if he had been single at the time but he had a girlfriend then.
Then she tells him he should leave work and come meet her. He asks again about her home life, what about you H? She says we have an open marriage. He says really? That's cool then explains that he and his ex-wife were swingers when they were married. She says that fits him. He quickly decides to leave work and starts towards her destination. She ends up not going to where he is headed. He drives three hours out of his way when they finally realize, they will not be in the same place. She apologizes to him over and over, but keeps telling him how much she wants him, needs to be with him. He turns his direction of travel and heads to where she is staying. He arrives gets a room. She is with her business partner in the same hotel. Her business partner is an older woman just so you know. They text for hours waiting for business partner to fall asleep. She explains she has no way she can explain being out of the room. especially to meet someone, another guy even. Says her partner would never understand that.
At some point she finally goes to his room. Details are not discussed much but they both admit to having fun, how exciting it was and how sorry she is she had to leave so quickly. They plan to meet later that morning to continue what they started. they both fall asleep and miss the second meeting. He leaves and they talk about how they wished they had more time. They discuss future meetings, once again at least on this phone, they never can connect. She pushes him really hard to meet in another state and spend a weekend together. He claims he will have a son with him that weekend and can't come. She asks him to try and fix it. The weekend comes and goes they don't meet. She stops using the phone around July 4th, the day he asks her for pictures.
I'm stunned. I had no idea this guy even existed. She had told me about her past boyfriends. This guys name had never came up. At some point between D=Day and the PA started, she did drive to his house, with one of my sons, and borrowed money from him. She told our son they stopped there to pick up money he owed the business. The last contact I know of between the two of them was OM asking her for the money back and to stop ignoring him. She told him she has his money and isn't ignoring him. This was on Facebook.
When she returned from her trip, it's now three days past D-Day. I tried to limit contact with her till later in the evening. During the time of discovery and her return my mind was a mess. what should I do? How do I respond to what I know. Do I respond? Do I act like nothing is wrong? I knew I couldn't do this. I had to end the affair, I had to let her know I knew. But how? I finally decided to push her into telling me about it. I wanted to give her the chance to tell me what she had done. I was going to supply her with enough information to let her know I knew something was going on, without telling her what I knew, how much I knew or even how I knew.
Like you would expect, she had no idea what I was talking about when I asked her if she needed to tell me something. I asked if I needed to know something about a friend of hers. Nothing. An ex I asked. Still nothing but I could tell she knew what I was talking about. The walls went up. I knew I had to let her know some more of what I knew. The shock on her face hurt me. I could tell she had never wanted me to find out. Her mind was racing. I had hoped she would just come clean, hoped she wouldn't try to justify the PA. What I got I didn't expect.
Contact OM wife and tell her you are not in a open marriage and are not in the swinger life style like them,expose this to his family. Even if your WW tells you he's divorced follow up and contact OMW to confirm. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS
You still have a lot of research to do in find all about OM. So stay quite and investigate OM and expose this A.
Its very important that NC is confirmed with AP. if they are both in contact then you are in a lossing battle. So until you can validate NC and your WW *writes* OM a NC letter that *you* send then make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable by exposing it and seperate your money. You may need to show her some real consequences for her continuing her affair by filing for divorce....and remember filing and having her served is completely different then finalizing the D. A tactic in scaring her straight.
There is a lot more to the story. Sorry but will take time to explain it all. I'm on my phone right now or would try to give more answers. As I said in the beginning this has been a bad couple of years, and it continues. Having to deal with other family issues that have come up. Hopefully sometime this weekend I can continue where I left off. I started this hoping I would be able to write more than I did at the time... Now dealing with other problems. I will be back soon I hope. Thank you for the words and comments so far, I will get back with you all. Posted via Mobile Device
After confrontation, there was some contact on FB, but not "Live" They seem to keep missing each other. I know she has talked to him at some point because she admitted to it later, but don't know what was said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
Contact OM wife and tell her you are not in a open marriage and are not in the swinger life style like them,expose this to his family. Even if your WW tells you he's divorced follow up and contact OMW to confirm. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS
They are divorced, have no idea who she is. They have been divorced long before the A happened. I'm sure I could find her, but really don't see the point as they split before and don't get along according to friends of friends...
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
You still have a lot of research to do in find all about OM. So stay quite and investigate OM and expose this A.
Know more than I have posted about so far, will explain as story goes on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
Its very important that NC is confirmed with AP. if they are both in contact then you are in a lossing battle. So until you can validate NC and your WW *writes* OM a NC letter that *you* send then make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable by exposing it and seperate your money. You may need to show her some real consequences for her continuing her affair by filing for divorce....and remember filing and having her served is completely different then finalizing the D. A tactic in scaring her straight.
Okay good advice here, and will talk about this later. I'm very new to the forum, and wish I had found you all back closer to D-Day, as I would have done some things different than I did but hopefully will start correcting the mistakes I've made.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how shocking and hurtful it can be. Keep us updated and I do hope we can help you.
Thank you so much for these words. It really helps knowing you all are out there. Hopefully I can get the time to complete the story to current soon. There is just so much to tell...
28Likes
Lost in Indiana 
