This is usually done when dealing with an unfaithful spouse who either refuses to end the affair or ends it but not really committed to R. A tough love approach is needed in these cases.
And then there are the truly sad situations where a spouse has been cheated on, openly for years. They keep thinking that it if they just keep doing the same thing over and over by staying and letting the cheater come home to sleep and get more money, that one day they cheater will completely reverse their personality.
In these cases I really wish there was a grow a spine pill you could recommend. It troubles me to think about the anguish and suffering these people are letting their cheating SO put them through, and how they don't realize it - but they hold the key to their own freedom from the abuse.
I think it's rather shallowminded and short sighted to suggest that those who "have been exposed" to infidelity are in a better place to assist others in that situation.
I see lots of posts in the CWI section by people going through it themselves while trying to help others, and I think they're in the worst place to do that because they're so muddled, confused and on the edge that they can't even fix their own problems let alone someone elses.
Most posts are in the area of strategies to catch the cheater, and confront the cheater, and expose the cheater and their partner, in a desperate attempt to end the affair, so you can drive them back into your arms. That avoids the real problem, which is an irreparably broken marriage, it rarely works and truth be told the only posters who are fully capable of dispensing that sort of advise are those who have been through infidelity, took those strategic steps to end the affair, and "won" back their cheating spouse, and the marriage survived for long enough to say that it really did get fixed.
I think I've seen only one or two posters who relate stories like that. Everyone else is unqualified regardless of their exposure to infidelity.
My opinion is that the vast majority of the time, once there is cheating that it's better to just move on and no I don't speak from personal experience with infidelity but I did leave a bad marriage and start my life over again, and yes I gave this post some introspection before writing it.
If you have been through it, you know what it is like, if you have not, it is all theory. It is not as simple as "it's better just to move on"; sometimes it isn't better, and using the experienced of others, helps you to decide when it is. As far as being "muddled" no I never was that. I was actually hyper vigilant, but I did think that what had happened meant something it didn't, and I needed the advice of others who had been through it to help me understand what it actually did mean, and what was best to do about it. They were able to do that because they 'ed actually seen the results in their own situations. There is no experience in life that is anything like infidelity, and my advice to another person before I experienced it ,would have been very different from what I would now advise.
1. You aren't the only one going through this.
2. There are actual things you can do - you aren't a hopeless victim
3. Seeing the forest and stepping back from worrying about all those trees.
It seems that this forum has lately attracted a bigger than usual number of what I call "spectators": people who haven't been exposed to infidelity, yet hang out and offer (in their opinion good) advice on the subject.
Now, I understand this is a public forum, we are all free people, everyone has a right for their own perspective, etc. But some of the posters come off as rather judgmental (of both WSs and BSs) with naivete obvious to anyone who ever was affected by infidelity. I must admit it rubs me the wrong way.
So I want to use this opportunity to ask them a favor. Please use a little bit of introspection before posting and consider why are you here at all. I hope it's not a kind of free entertainment or a sport for you, please realize people end up here because of severe problems in their personal life. Don't toss in your two cents randomly, spare us with passages from your P.C. 101 class, please realize that actual infidelity situations do not match your simplistic mental models of them.
Thanks.
Snap, there are two erroneous assumptions in your post.
1) When "OhGodWhyDidThisHappenToMe" starts his thread titled "Wife cheated on me with 3 different basketball teams over the last decade, but I want to save my marriage," the truth of the matter is that (assuming he's not a troll, which is a bad assumption on its own) he's not really looking for advice. And he's not going to take any advice given to him. He's just venting, looking for sympathy, or so disconnected from reality that he thinks posting intimate details of his life to strangers on the internet will magically make his life better.
So in cases like this, it truly doesn't matter what advice is given, because advice is not going to be taken. Hence whether or not one has endured infidelity is irrelevant.
2) You go on to suggest that posting replies is a good deed if the advice is heartfelt and you are "credentialed," i.e. you have endured infidelity and are therefore qualified to opine on said subject.
Every single thing you write on TAM is for YOU. If you are creating a thread, you are doing it for any number of reasons, all of which primarily relate to you.
If you are replying in a thread, it would actually be more correct to start each post with "well, if I were in your shoes, I would........" If the OP happens to read what you have written and reply with "gee, that's a good idea," or some variation thereon, that's really just icing on the cake.
I don't actually have a strong opinion on your post. I certainly agree that there are some posters on here who come across as annoying, naive, shallow, and oftentimes bitter and sarcastic.
Yeah, okay, those last two qualities are self identified, and, uh.
But it goes both ways. I've seen a lot of people post on here telling other asking for advice of help to just leave or divorce when it's not always that simple.
You're right,it's not always that simple.As someone who divorced and walked away it's only recently I've begun to question my rigid thinking on the subject.If you asked me a couple of years ago if infidelity merited only divorce as a solution,I would have said yes.Now,thanks in large part to honest from the heart and head posters on this forum I find myself with less of a tunnel vision and more accepting that my solution isn't always the best solution.So,I continue to grow,hopefully anyway.
Snap, there are two erroneous assumptions in your post.
1) When "OhGodWhyDidThisHappenToMe" starts his thread titled "Wife cheated on me with 3 different basketball teams over the last decade, but I want to save my marriage," the truth of the matter is that (assuming he's not a troll, which is a bad assumption on its own) he's not really looking for advice. And he's not going to take any advice given to him. He's just venting, looking for sympathy, or so disconnected from reality that he thinks posting intimate details of his life to strangers on the internet will magically make his life better.
There are certainly cases like that. But then, most of the cases aren't. It's just people in bad spot of their life looking for solution, assuming all advice given here falls on deaf ears is wrong.
I certainly used the advice given to me here.
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2) You go on to suggest that posting replies is a good deed if the advice is heartfelt and you are "credentialed," i.e. you have endured infidelity and are therefore qualified to opine on said subject.
Notice how I didn't anywhere said that. Also notice how I specifically related it to the posters with attitude yet no experience.
There's no problem with obviously inexperienced people per se, but attitude matters. When some dude who barely started dating effectively says "dump that ho, you dummy" to a middle-aged, combat veteran, father of 3, who's been married for longer than the poster existed, I can only roll my anonymous eyes.
The naivete is an issue on its own. We can pretend that everyone's opinion is equal, but this is not true. Fact is, my idea of dealing with infidelity before it occurred to me was very different from how it actually unfolded. This is the case with many other posters here, too.
Quote:
Every single thing you write on TAM is for YOU. If you are creating a thread, you are doing it for any number of reasons, all of which primarily relate to you.
You can argue it for anything you do, really. What's your point?
I don't care what motivated people helping me here, I only know that their advice was sound and it helped me.
I think it's rather shallowminded and short sighted to suggest that those who "have been exposed" to infidelity are in a better place to assist others in that situation.
Wrong. Who better to help others than those who have walked in a BSs shoes? You see, it's a BS thang, you just wouldn't understand. This is why you can't relate to the pain and suffering that BSs go through. The reason many people post in other threads is to help others not to make the same mistakes we have made - because we know the pain, just like any other support group. The collective experience and wisdom that every BS brings, even the newly betrayed, benefits all. We've all learned what works, and what doesn't.
Those who've walked through the streets of infidelity know only too well the dangers and threats that lurk there and are in a position to inform and advise the safest route through the grief.
Someone who hasn't been through it is merely talking about what they 'think' may happen. There is a difference.
__________________
I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
It seems that this forum has lately attracted a bigger than usual number of what I call "spectators": people who haven't been exposed to infidelity, yet hang out and offer (in their opinion good) advice on the subject.
Now, I understand this is a public forum, we are all free people, everyone has a right for their own perspective, etc. But some of the posters come off as rather judgmental (of both WSs and BSs) with naivete obvious to anyone who ever was affected by infidelity. I must admit it rubs me the wrong way.
So I want to use this opportunity to ask them a favor. Please use a little bit of introspection before posting and consider why are you here at all. I hope it's not a kind of free entertainment or a sport for you, please realize people end up here because of severe problems in their personal life. Don't toss in your two cents randomly, spare us with passages from your P.C. 101 class, please realize that actual infidelity situations do not match your simplistic mental models of them.
Thanks.
And then there's an even worse kind of "spectator": the affair partners themselves who come on here just to tell BS's that affairs are wonderful, and we should give up, go away, and let them play with their rainbows.
(If you are still following me you Ho, drop dead you sick loser!)
Just like I wouldn't go to a forum for people whose loved ones got murdered and pretend to give useful advice if something that dreadful did not happen to me, I think 'spectators' should have the decency and sense to not give 'advice' in this forum.
It's one thing to come here to learn information so that you can protect your marriage. It's another thing to try and render useful advice if you've never been a victim of infidelity. Until it happens to you -- IT'S ALL THEORY AND CONJECTURE.
Wrong. Who better to help others than those who have walked in a BSs shoes? You see, it's a BS thang, you just wouldn't understand. This is why you can't relate to the pain and suffering that BSs go through. The reason many people post in other threads is to help others not to make the same mistakes we have made - because we know the pain, just like any other support group. The collective experience and wisdom that every BS brings, even the newly betrayed, benefits all. We've all learned what works, and what doesn't.
I agree.
Before learning of my husbands cheating, I had no clue that there were clues to cheating.
In retrospect their were lots of signs that he was cheating, but because I had no experience with it, and my mind does not work that way, I attributed it to job stress.
As a BS I have researched and now know the red flags for cheating, and if I can pass this on to someone else, I know it will help them.
Personally, I feel my MC has caused more harm to me. I have stopped seeing her. Some of the stuff she says just seems to give my husband carte blanche to cheat again, and she has never told him cheating is the wrong way to solve marital problems.
I have been helped to cope more by others who have dealt with cheating spouses, than by IC or MC.
Personally, I feel my MC has caused more harm to me. I have stopped seeing her. Some of the stuff she says just seems to give my husband carte blanche to cheat again, and she has never told him cheating is the wrong way to solve marital problems.
Horrible. Just horrible. Seriously, she needs to find a new career.
Yes, my eyes have been opened to MC as well. We payed thousands of dollars to a highly respected MC in our area. He's probably advised people we've read about in the news, given the neighborhood he lives in.
He never once asked my WS if he was still in contact with his AP. He was every bit as uneducated as I was about infidelity. He just took my husband's word for it that it was all over.
He NEVER addressed WHY my husband thought it was okay to enter an emotional affair. Never examined what they might have said to one another (unless I brought it up), nothing. Just one gigantic rug sweep and the door to that was closed.
I remember we spent a vast amount of time talking about how much I hated it that my husband would call before he was leaving work to take a 30 minute drive home and then somehow arrive up to 90 minutes later. I would ask him repeatedly why he couldn't just call before he was actually intending to drive home--I wasn't asking him to come home earlier! And to think, if I had leaned over and picked up his cell phone right there in front of the MC, all would have been revealed to me.
Not long after DD#2 I became obsessed with telling this old MC about how my husband continued to cheat on me with his AP for three more years--through nearly every minute of the 6+ months we were in counseling with that man. I cannot tell you how SATISFYING it was to tell him that.
Guess what the MC said to me: "And how does that make you feel?" You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.
I disagree, I've been cheated on but it make no difference to me whether the people giving advice have experienced infidelity or not. Some of the best advice I've gotten was from people in A-OK relationships.
Besides I'm sure when people seek out help from a MC, they don't ask as a requirement that he/she have experienced infidelity like it makes their opinion anymore valid.
192Likes
Re: Spectators in CWI 
And to think, if I had leaned over and picked up his cell phone right there in front of the MC, all would have been revealed to me.
You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.
