EleGirl

What do you know about her affair partner? Is he married? Does she work with him?

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Lon

Wow, the way you put this really struck me. It's so true, we give our W's this power over us, we submit to them and were not fortunate to have picked ones worthy of that responsibility. I am a year out from separation and I'm still questioning myself, even after she is long gone the dynamic of my failed marriage is still bouncing around inside me, it is tough to shake because the toxicity she spewed as our marriage failed latched on to such a core part of me that was kinda broken - my niceguy conflict avoidance defense mechanism.

OP this comment by old wolf is crucial for you to understand, that your self esteem is under direct attack by your W's actions and words and left unchecked they will eat away at you.

chiksam

Elegirl - I know that she met him in a gallery, he is the same age as her (29), and he is Ukrainian (my wife is Russian but has UK citizenship). I have had the pleasure if seeing his face when my keylogger tracked their skype conversations for me. I have no idea if he's married or what. I also know his name though.

Lon - yes. This is a very important point. I also have this built in dynamic to avoid conflict with my wife at all costs, to avoid making her feel bad (often when that is at the expense of my own feelings and my "self"). The fact she was furious about my text last night ate away at me...the little voice said "you pig. You intentionally hurt her. She will be upset by that comment...you MUST apologize and get back in her good books again." But why? If I'm angry at her...why can't I express it? Even if it makes her feel bad? I always put expression if my own feelings AFTER my wife's feelings...she had that hold over me and detaching from her will involve breaking it. First step on that is not to act following the nasty text I sent I guess.

Hmmm...your thoughts about serving her D papers are interesting. I guess a bit of me is reluctant about that due to the finality of it. It would be me pulling the trigger to launch the final bullet into the temple of this dieing horse??!!
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couple

This 'we need some time apart' was pulled on me before marriage. Same thing...went off to have sex with someone else. Great way to:

1. Have sex with someone else by rationalizing it as not cheating.
2. Keep the relationship 'on hold' to return to later (or not if you decide not to). Options open.

She also did this with a past boyfriend...another guy asked her out and she broke up temporarily with her BF so that she could F this other guy on their date.

These games make the pain worse because they are height of self serving manipulation. In their heads they think that they are so clever and that they got away with something because 'technically' you weren't in a relationship. I know the frustration.

Kallan Pavithran

She is treating him like a piece of sh1t and he is worried about her feelings........ Stop it man, its time for you to express your feelings.

Why are you worried about the feelings of a person who dont care about your feelings and pain. She is humiliating you in the worst way possible why cant you understand that?

Find the OM, get the details of him, expose the affair to his Wife/GF. Issue your wife D papers and file for full custody.

Shaggy

Flat out - your wife is selfish and is twisting everything to fit her desire to cheat.

No woman respects a man who lets he do this crap, and no woman will be with a man whom she doesn't respect.

Stop being a passive lapdog and just taking her lies and manipulations of the truth. YOUR WIFE CHOSE TO CHEAT. YOUIR WIFE CHOSE TO LEAVE TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN.

Your response has been to be sad and worried and to worry about her feelings.

Does your response illicit respect from anyone? Even you?

Find the OM details and expose him.

Expose your wife's cheating.

Get a lawyer and find out what actions you have.

Where is her money coming from? You - then stop giving her any money.

Is she a permanent resident in the UK? If not then see about what it would take to have her removed. - Not saying to do it, but you need to know your options.

Honestly I suspect she used you, had no respect for you and is now ditching you for someone she does respect.

Bugz Bunny

Man up and start respecting yourself...Stop worrying about her feelings and dont let her humiliate you anymore... file for Divorce and expose her cheating ass to everyone important in both of your lifes...

And dont accept any blame for her affair because its BS and you know it...The affair is only your W fault and there are no excuses for it...

Good Luck

snap

She seems clearly on her way out. She got her permanent residence permit out of you (it wasn't long ago, right?), and is now moving on.

Protect yourself legally and financially, it will be messy.

OldWolf57

why in the world would you be reluctant. Have you always had codependant issues ? Have you ever been a GROWNUP MATURE MAN ? If not, then its time you start. I really hope you change by the time your son is in his teens. And I'm glad he is so young, he don't understand the truly awful example you are setting for manhood. I mean, what is it ? Do you feel you so physically repulsive you can't get someone else ? Was she a mailorder bride? You may not be the worst case Iv'e read on here, but you are close. Chiksum, you have dependecy issues man. Plz, plz plz, seek some Professional help. I had a chill when I read she from Russia and he from Ukrain. The only thing you hear of Ukrains nowadays is human traffic, and human slavery. For your own and son sake you need to get away from her. If you remain with her, how long before she do this again. From reading your post, I can tell she has conditioned you to plz and serve her. Now she is so digusted with you, that even tho you take care of her, she can't stand to be around you. Cut your loses man. But before you venture into another relationship, do some soul searching and make some drastic changes in yourself. There are ppl here who can help you. like Bandit45, Shamwow, Complexity and many many more. Plz PM these guys and ask what to do.

chiksam

Thanks for this guys. I have read through these last few comments a number of times. I really need this kind of smack round the head with a 2 x 4. Kallan put it simply for me there - she isn't giving a crap about my feelings...yet I'm worried about hers??? Yeah...that ain't right.

Wolf - that was hard hitting and unpalatable...but on the money. No...she wasn't mail order. We met in Moscow when I lived there for two years.

My only concern about divorce is my son. The one thing I was forceful about in all this was making damn sure she knew I'm not budging in relation to having him. She wanted to take him. In the end I got a separation agreement that is for 50-50 contact time (in reality I will have him more as she's fecking off to France for months to do an internship) and when he starts school he will live with me and see her at weekends. I'm not allowing her to drag him to inner city London in a high rise, ripping him out of everything he knows because she decides she wants to live the Carrie Bradshaw life in the city. With divorce...this "agreement" might change. She could decide to go for full custody...and my lawyer says she'd have a shot at least (she's the mom...etc). However, he said that the longer I leave it the better my chances. When he's in school here and beginning to settle even more why would a court rip that all away for my wife's whim. That's my issue...play the waiting game and strike at the optimal time...or just divorce her now and hope she honors what we already have in place (but honor is not something I think she's overflowing with right now). Part of me wants to serve her simply to strike back. It does feel like she's controlling my life.
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Shaggy

No, part of you wants to serve her because she's left the marriage and is cheating openly with another man AND divorce is the logical and legal consequence of that choice.

Stop seeing this as an attack - it's actually a sane response to her breaking the marriage contract.

If you are paying for her appartment, for her schooling, and her spending money to buy nice clothes, drinks, travel THEN STOP. You do not need to finance her choice of lifestyle.

OldWolf57

separated mean you are not responsible for her financial needs. I like the wait until he's in school looking better, but only do this, if you feel you can handle dealing with her. Remember, this is the woman that does all she can to destroy you selfesteem. She likes separation BC that means you will still be the backup plan. Tell her unless you have primary custody, you are going to immigration to accuse her of marriage fraud. You might also want to talk to a lawyer about this.

chiksam

Ok all. An update and I need some advice.

She's moved out about two weeks now. We are supposed to have a fifty fifty thing going on with our son now. However, as I thought, she's already started pushing the boundaries. We met at the station for the first exchange of our son yesterday. He'd been with her. She says she won't be able to collect him again until Wednesday (was meant to be Monday) because she has a party on Tuesday night (of course the OM will be going with her). She asked if she can therefore have our son for a full week after Wed.

My response: No. Sure, come get him on Wed. But I want him back three days later as per our agreement. You choose a party over time with him? Tough sh&t.

Now a bit of me is pissed at myself here because I'm making it easier for her to have her freakin affair by having our son for longer. Another bit of me says hey, at least he has one responsible parent. This may all count in my favour one day regarding full custody. Maybe I need to box clever?

Then, my son tells me Mummy's friend who's a boy was over. I expressly asked her not to introduce this prick to our son immediately. So I text her an extremely angry text...call her things I maybe shouldn't have. She texts back saying I've made her cry and she's shaking...I made her cry before and I'm still doing it... yada yada yada. That's her all over. Anything she doesn't like is turned onto me. Wants me to feel bad for her own wrongdoings. This time I'm not biting. She can know I'm pissed at this - but this time I have no concern what her reaction is to my anger. Funny, she tried everything, even said "You know. I wanted to call you when I was sick the other night. I'm so glad I didn't as all you do is make me cry."

I guess I'm asking how you guys think I should react in such situations. She pisses me off and disrespects my wishes and I want there to be consequences...but what can/should they be? Divorce papers are not my best option (for reasons I've noted earlier) so I seem to be trying to hurt her in an angry response.
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iheartlife

Someone will be along soon I'm sure who knows more about this than I do. But you can get a temporary custody order with a lawyer's help that will spell out that the OM is not allowed to be around your son. You are right to be protective of him and not the least bit out of bounds. Few things make me angrier than recalling that my FWH's AP spent time with my kids.

Your instincts are also correct about getting your son to be with you as much as possible when she can't have him. Yes it is sort of enabling but you see that the other option is that he spends extra time with the OM if you somehow can't legally prevent that from happening.

She's separated from you and while she's deep in the affair, you owe it to your son to be there for him as much as possible. This is one thing that you have some control over and that you can be proud that you've done your best at it, it is going to reap rewards that you will experience the rest of his life and it is a proper focus of your energy.

Lon

Chiksam, if you have an agreement with her get it in writing, hire a lawyer to draft up your separation agreement and have it filed with the court. And DOCUMENT every instance where she is not following the agreed upon schedule, even just a journal that says date and time you had custody when it was her time, and don't play the "ill take him this day if you can take him that day" game, stick to your schedule, and always make time for your son you will never regret it.

I am 50/50 with my son and where I live if it goes more than 60/40 during the course of a year then I could file for sole custody with visitation for her.

Since she is valuing her single time more than family time right now, it may be a good time to seek sole custody too since she is more likely to not contest it - how each of you is behaving with regards to parenting duty is setting a very important legal precedent, so just focus on being there for your son as much as you can.