chiksam

All started for me about two months ago. We have been married 8 years and have a 3 year old son.

The thing that's been really hard to deal with is her relationship with another guy. Now, she has maintained throughout this whole thing that she is not a cheater and is not in the wrong and that I should be fine with it. Why does she maintain that? Well. Because she came home one night...told me we are "separated" and then, THE FOLLOWING DAY, began her new relationship (which she had lined up). She is adamant that she has therefore done nothing morally questionable...and at times I've almost convinced myself she's right.

However, just because the word separation has been pronounced does not mean that gives her permission to bang some other dude the next day? Does it? Especially when she refuses to move out of our home for two more months (til she finds a comfortable flat) and conducts this new affair under my nose. Where's her consideration for the guy she loved? Last week she went on the train to London to see this guy. I was working and had taken our son to nursery. The nursery called..."your son is really sick, we called your wife but she's in London...she said to call you to get him." So i cancel classes to collect my son. WTF...this woman has gone bonkers!?

I'm sorry...but the word separation is not (in my book) a word that is thrown out there to make cheating morally acceptable.
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snap

Separation is something both parties should agree to and have to understand conditions of.

What she has done is called abandonment.

johnnycomelately

She is self-centered and immoral. Build yourself a life and fight for custody of your son. You can't change her.

The best revenge is a life well led.

Shamwow

So she declared one day that you're "separated", began openly seeing another man, and now refuses to move out until she finds a comfortable flat...wow, the cojones on this woman.

Definitely not a "morally sound" stance she has taken. She's justifying it by making up her own rules. Unless of course you agreed that you can both see other people when she brought up separation. If you did not agree (which I'm gathering you did not), then she is basically saying she doesn't care about you or your marriage and she can do whatever she wants.

Guess what? She can, as long as you allow it. So...time to stand up for yourself and call the shots as you see fit. That's the good thing about having the moral high ground...you can impose consequences and know you are truly justified. Don't argue, get overly emotional, beg or talk down to her, just firmly make clear what YOU will or will not accept in your marriage. And then stick to what you say you will do.

Tell her to go live with the other man (OM) if she wants to blatantly commit adultery. Tell her you won't stand for an open marriage, regardless of what she calls it. Being married to you, yet doing another man against your wishes is...definitely cheating. Tell her to look up adultery in the dictionary if her skewed version of reality won't accept your logic. She'll throw the word "separation" at you a hundred times as if that makes a difference to you...just stay calm and tell her she can spin it all day long, but it is what it is, she knows it, and you won't accept it.

And then serve her with divorce papers. Don't threaten this, just do it. See a lawyer asap, get the ball rolling. She needs a wake up call. She wants a divorce? Give it to her. But do it on your terms. (EDIT: she's prob already seen an attorney, you have some catching up to do)

Oh, she absolutely started seeing this guy months before your "separation". Look for evidence in email or texts if you wish to try to save the marriage, but do not confront right away until you find hard proof, as she'll minimize and lie her way out of it unless your proof can't be refuted.

Feel for you, she sounds like a real ballbuster. Good luck...

snap

Don't let her play word games and redefine English dictionary. Things don't become different just because she says so. A spade is a spade.

She doesn't even do that for your sanity sake, but more as a wh*re-defense reaction. She doesn't want to be seen as a cheater in your social circle, and "separation" is a cop-out. Hence, exposing her would be the best initial strategy.

Shamwow

Get used to this feeling. Your emotions will play massive tricks on you for a time to come, as you clearly have bonds with this woman, hey - you married her and started a family with her. Couldn't have been all bad. But it sure is now. Don't let the past influence your view of the present. It's how you deal with it NOW and going forward that matters. Things are how they are, and everyone is free to make their own decisions - but we all have to face the consequences of our decisions, and she is no exception.

iheartlife

Ironically, you were "lucky" because she actually TOLD you that you were "separated" whereas many a spouse around here has been informed by the cheater that the cheater was "mentally separated" or "mentally divorced" for years...

ALL cheaters must mentally justify their actions, otherwise insane asylums would be filled with otherwise 'normal' people who fully comprehended the terrible betrayals they've committed to their spouses and children.

I am sorry you are here.

Is she financially independent from you? I've heard from my British friends that train trips to London aren't free. I would for certain stop financing her affair in any form--cut up the joint credit cards, separate finances, take out new cards in your name.

hookares

Man, I wish my cheater had laid this one on me as soon as she started screwing other guys. I would have been out of there quicker than she could utter the word "separated".
If you are sure the 3 year old is yours, take him in the other direction the next time she is hopping off to Europe.

Aristotle

My opinion, if a couple is seperated, what happens happens. I am 100% against cheating but being seperated is a different beast.

iheartlife

Aristotle, she is living in the house with him.

She had a relationship "all lined up."

This means that she had betrayed the marriage BEFORE her big announcement.

She didn't walk down the street after that conversation to tackle the first human being with a penis between his legs.

She had an intimate, private, secret relationship with a man, someone that we'd call (if she were 17) a 'boyfriend.'

Guess what? Married people aren't allowed to have 'boyfriends.'

I could give a rats A** if they had not consummated it before that day. That is just a doily to cover her selfish, immoral choice.

What's more, she's chosen her affair over her child--she goes off a great distance from where they live and when the child is sick, this is how her spouse discovers that she can't be bothered to be a mother any more, either.

I'm sorry, but this just makes me ILL and it's no wonder that women like this behave this way. Marital vows MEAN something. Divorce MEANS something. Otherwise there's no point to them at all.

bryanp

She is playing you for an absolutely fool. She had the guy lined up which means she was already cheating at some level. She tells you that you should be fine with her having sex with her new boyfriend?

Don't waste time talking to her. Contact a lawyer immediately and proceed with a divorce. If the roles were reversed she would not accept this so why are you? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Kallan Pavithran

why didnt you hand over the D papers when she came back to the house banging OM?

Are you sure that your son is actually yours?

A husband should be loving and caring person but he should never allow others to treat himself as a fool or doormat. If you dont respect yourself then who will?

LoveMyKids80

In her mind, she's justifying the 'cheating' by saying you two are seperated. If you are still married, by law, you do not have sexual/emotional relationships with ANYONE except your spouse. Get a divorce, if that's what she wants. I feel for you. It's a terrible, terrible thing to be going through. For me, just knowing my STBXH is with someone else besides his wife, makes it so much easier for me to move on. You deserve better and your son deserves better. Hang in there.

Kallan Pavithran

That too under his nose, abandoning her kid, wah...........

JustMe321

Yes. To all of it.

Amazing how some folks think that by holding off on the PA part that they are somehow on some moral highground. There was an EA here for who knows how long.