Even when they manage to convince the wife to take them back, they may end up with a dead marriage. My H is very sorry about his child "work wife", but I really don't care anymore, he can have 10 of them for all I care, just as long as I am kept in the loup for my own protection. My marriage is over for me, but his lingers on in very poor health. He went into that A telling himself that if I found out I would "just get over it" well I'm not doing that very well . Now he is frustrated and angry at times because I am so "mean and nasty" when I tell him this. I guess he would rather that I blow smoke up his butt like he did me while he was romancing the home wreaking little bi**h. I have had a lot of betrayal of one sort or another in my life( first marriage), and I thought he was my haven from it all. He keeps hoping and I try to be polite most of the time. It's not what I signed on for. I do hope it can improve, but I am not as resilient as I was when I was younger.
I was also betrayed in my first marriage -twice that I know of. Both APs were half his age. I don't think he could cope with a grown-up woman. The marriage never recovered from the first affair but my ex was a very controlling aggressive drinker and for many years I was too frightened to leave him.
I wish I had left years before I did as staying with him has had a very bad effect on my daughter and I feel very guilty about that.
My present husband also betrayed me and he thinks I should just get over it. I am now trying hard to do the 180 and it has begun to make a difference.
I deal with him by keeping a smile on my face and saying b*****d in my head!
I have noticed also that the more I ignore him the more he has been dancing around trying to get my attention.
I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore. I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).
I think my lack of interest is beginning to make him feel quite unimportant whereas as before when I would question him constantly and he would get angry, but I think in a peverse way he enjoyed the attention and the fact that he had two women who wanted him.
The last time we talked about it I just said "she can have you!" and he didn't like that at all.
My present husband also betrayed me and he thinks I should just get over it. I am now trying hard to do the 180 and it has begun to make a difference.
I deal with him by keeping a smile on my face and saying b*****d in my head!
I think you don't recognize that staying with him is your choice alone. Do you think that being angry is helping you in any way?
He violated a boundary and your marriage vows. What are you going to do about that? No judgements, but I think you need to own the decision - whatever you decide to do.
For me, infidelity is a bright line. I have faced infidelity in an LTR but not in my marriage. At this point, I think that my marriage has evolved to a point where there is no excuse. We are both too aware and our relationship is too communicative to believe that I would find any excuse good enough to try and reconcile. Relationships are lots of work and I think I would build a new one with someone else before I put the work in to resurrect my own in the event of infidelity.
In retrospect, there was enough dysfunction early in our relationship that I could see infidelity then as being a catalyst towards positive growth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronwen
I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore.
He probably should never have been the centre of your life. Think about all the poems that talk about trees not growing in each other's shadows. There is a reason why these poets write this way. For what it is worth, I am a hopeless romantic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronwen
I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).
Doesn't sound like he is being very remorseful. Until you started doing the 180 - doesn't sound like there were any consequences to his bad behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronwen
I think my lack of interest is beginning to make him feel quite unimportant whereas as before when I would question him constantly and he would get angry, but I think in a peverse way he enjoyed the attention and the fact that he had two women who wanted him.
Forget your relationship and quit paying any attention to your hubby right now. Make yourself the best person you can be. Exercise, eat well, take a class, whatever makes you energized and passionate. He doesn't deserve your attention. Make yourself strong enough to live without him. Then make the choice, if he works hard enough to earn it, to bless him with your attention and love.
I think you don't recognize that staying with him is your choice alone. Do you think that being angry is helping you in any way?
He violated a boundary and your marriage vows. What are you going to do about that? No judgements, but I think you need to own the decision - whatever you decide to do.
For me, infidelity is a bright line. I have faced infidelity in an LTR but not in my marriage. At this point, I think that my marriage has evolved to a point where there is no excuse. We are both too aware and our relationship is too communicative to believe that I would find any excuse good enough to try and reconcile. Relationships are lots of work and I think I would build a new one with someone else before I put the work in to resurrect my own in the event of infidelity.
In retrospect, there was enough dysfunction early in our relationship that I could see infidelity then as being a catalyst towards positive growth.
He probably should never have been the centre of your life. Think about all the poems that talk about trees not growing in each other's shadows. There is a reason why these poets write this way. For what it is worth, I am a hopeless romantic.
Doesn't sound like he is being very remorseful. Until you started doing the 180 - doesn't sound like there were any consequences to his bad behavior.
Forget your relationship and quit paying any attention to your hubby right now. Make yourself the best person you can be. Exercise, eat well, take a class, whatever makes you energized and passionate. He doesn't deserve your attention. Make yourself strong enough to live without him. Then make the choice, if he works hard enough to earn it, to bless him with your attention and love.
I have been doing my best at the 180 since about a week ago. I seem to learn a bit more about changing my behaviour every day and it does seem to eb having an effect.
He has not been very remorseful, but in a weird way it make it easier to detach from him.
I am still angry but not in the intense way I was before. I don't scream and shout anymore and have stopped asking questions.
It is a year since it happened and I am only just beginning to feel strong again - which is a good thing.
I agree totally, my husband should not ever have been the centre of my life - like it says in Kiplings "IF":-
"Let all men count with you but none too much"
I find it impossible now to be anything other than detached from my husband.
Since I found out last week that theOw contact details were back on his phone (he made a big show of deleting them on Dday a year ago) something shifted in my thinking. It shows me what a fake he is.
I am making plans to takie a a course in black and white photography and intend to learn British Sign Language. It's a start anyway
My heart goes out to you as I know how hard all of this is to go through. You are doing what you need to.
There's not a lot more to say as I don't feel a need to repeat all the good advice and support everyone is giving you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and supporting you as well.
My heart goes out to you as I know how hard all of this is to go through. You are doing what you need to.
There's not a lot more to say as I don't feel a need to repeat all the good advice and support everyone is giving you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and supporting you as well.
Thank you very much. I'm am absolutely overwhelmed by the support I have had from the lovely people on this forum. I haven't told anyone about what happened because I find it so humiliating -
especially at my age.
I find myself looking at couples in the street and thinking "I wonder if he's done this to her and if not then why not".
I'm sticking with the 180 and learning something new every day.
Thank you very much. I'm am absolutely overwhelmed by the support I have had from the lovely people on this forum. I haven't told anyone about what happened because I find it so humiliating -
especially at my age.
I find myself looking at couples in the street and thinking "I wonder if he's done this to her and if not then why not".
I'm sticking with the 180 and learning something new every day.
Take care
Bronwen
Hi Bromwen. You sound like a lovely person.
I never told anyone about my wife's EA either because of feeling the same way. Yes, humiliation probably sums it up. But, in hindsight, I'm glad now that I didn't.
And yes, every couple I saw, I asked myself, "Hmmmm, I wonder if anything has gone on there."
All part of it, unfortunately. However, you're certainly dealing with it much better than many of us here did in our situations.
I never told anyone about my wife's EA either because of feeling the same way. Yes, humiliation probably sums it up. But, in hindsight, I'm glad now that I didn't.
And yes, every couple I saw, I asked myself, "Hmmmm, I wonder if anything has gone on there."
All part of it, unfortunately. However, you're certainly dealing with it much better than many of us here did in our situations.
All the best,
M.
Thank you Mario, lovely to meet you.
I have only just started to change my ways. It has been a year since this happened until until a week ago I did everything wrong. I was paranoid, checking up on him all the time, shouting asking the same questions over and over again. I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack - I used to shake so mcuh and have terrifying palpatations every time I tried to sneak a look at his phone. Behaving in this way got me nowhere.
It is only since I shared my story on this forum and had sound advice from so many lovely people that my thinking changed.
Now I never check up on him or ask him about his whereabouts and do you know this has freed me. I seem to have broken the lock that kept me prisoner for so long and i can now have a day without sadness.
One of the biggest losses for me is that I can't be myself in his company anymore. I am never sure how to behave so rightly or wrongly, as of now I try not to show any vulnerability or hurt. I am just polite,speak when spoken to but otherwise try hard to keep my mouth shut.
Only taking baby steps at the moment but it has changed him already he seems really confused and is bending over backwards to please me - trouble is I think it's too late.
I have noticed also that the more I ignore him the more he has been dancing around trying to get my attention.
I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore. I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).
I think my lack of interest is beginning to make him feel quite unimportant whereas as before when I would question him constantly and he would get angry, but I think in a peverse way he enjoyed the attention and the fact that he had two women who wanted him.
The last time we talked about it I just said "she can have you!" and he didn't like that at all.
I hope things work out for you.
Take care
Bronwen.
It's all still a game though. Seriously, if we need to do a 180 to get them to want us, it's just a game to them.
I notice the same with my cheater husband. I told him he could have his OW, in fact I think they deserve each other, two cheaters.
Now that I have talked to an attorney and will be filing this week, he is ever more remorseful.
At first he showed no remorse and said too many hurtful things he could never take back.
We had one false R, but I am not willing to go through another.
He later said he said nasty things because he was angry. Still, I could forgive words said in anger if there was not OW in the scenario. Also, initially Why in heck was he angry. I did not have an affair, he did. So, he was angry I caught him and cut of his cake.
Anyway, he said that he can't stand the sight of the OW. He said it was like she was an enticing piece of cake, but after eating it he feels sick.
But then why the false R. Why did he contact her a week after DDay, why did he go to a men's club in the middle of what appeared to be a great recovery?
It's all still a game though. Seriously, if we need to do a 180 to get them to want us, it's just a game to them.
I notice the same with my cheater husband. I told him he could have his OW, in fact I think they deserve each other, two cheaters.
Now that I have talked to an attorney and will be filing this week, he is ever more remorseful.
At first he showed no remorse and said too many hurtful things he could never take back.
We had one false R, but I am not willing to go through another.
He later said he said nasty things because he was angry. Still, I could forgive words said in anger if there was not OW in the scenario. Also, initially Why in heck was he angry. I did not have an affair, he did. So, he was angry I caught him and cut of his cake.
Anyway, he said that he can't stand the sight of the OW. He said it was like she was an enticing piece of cake, but after eating it he feels sick.
But then why the false R. Why did he contact her a week after DDay, why did he go to a men's club in the middle of what appeared to be a great recovery?
Your story sounds very similar to mine.
My H said "sorry" twice. In the first days after Dday he seemed to be really upset that he had hurt me but soon after he just wanted me to foget it and "get over it - it was nothing".
Over the last few months he has refused to talk about it.
One night I asked "do you realise how much you've hurt me?" and he said "yes - you keep telling me".
At the time I was terrified of losing him and took a lot of really cruel remarks on the chin.
Since I found OWs number back on his phone last week, things have changed.
I don't know where this new attitude will take me but there's no turning back now.
I don't really know how much contact they have had so I have to accept that. I don't have access to his phone bill and there's nothing on his computer
I think they contact the OW after agreeing to R because the CAN. It makes them feel in control. I realised yesterday how much my H treats me on a need-to-know basis.
If he decides sometime soon to be transparent about the whole thing I have a feeling it is now too late.
I am so sorry you have been hurt in this way - I really feel for you.
Bronwen.
PS I have never heard him say anything bad about his OW -tells me something!
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Re: Well that went really well! 
