Last Saturday afternoon I was preparing myself to give the poem I had written to my husband hoping to start a reasonable conversation. He was outside working.
Suddenly I had this really strong urge to look at his phone. Haven't done this for months
Guess who was back on his list of contacts - yes it was Typhoid Mary!
Last year, a few days after I found her text messages, he made a huge display of sitting next to on the sofa with his phone and deleted her name and number before my very eyes. What a lying cheating b*****d
I was suddenly back to DDay1. I shook like a leaf, but because of all the advice and help I have had from all of you I went to the bathroom and stayed there until I had calmed down.
I left the contacts details on the screen so he could see that I had found it.
The rest of the weekend I did a HUGE 180. Not starting conversations, not asking questions, kept very quiet and calm.
He started hovering around me, being over nice. I ignored it.
It took until last night for him to mention it.
He was going to the local shop about 4 minutes away and I saw him put his phone in his pocket.
I said "Why are you taking your phone?"
He blustered and waffled and said "I am not taking my phone, it just happens to be in my pocket! (CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!) Anyway, I know you are very interested in my phone"
I said nothing.
Anyway he left his phone behind and when he came back we had this conversation:
I said "It's alright I haven't touched your phone"
He said "there's nothing on it anyway"
"I said "Yes there is"
He said "No there's not"
I said "Yes there is - I have seen it, but I shan't look at it ever again - I have seen enough. So you do whatever you want. It's what I intend to do, but realise that this changes whatever happens next"
Instead of giving me his usual bluster and waffle - he went as white as a sheet and just stood there. I went back to reading my book.
Since then he has followed me around the house, tried to hug me (I don't think so!) and this morning he shouted up the stairs that he was going to work and I said O.K. There was a long silence. The next thing I knew he was standing behind me (I was dressing). He had walked up the stair in a lot of pain (he has a very very painfull joint condition at the moment) just to give me a kiss goodbye - he has never done this before - not even when I was at my lowest ebb.
When I found that she was back on his phone something died inside me , but doing the 180 has made a huge difference. I can FEEL my self respect returning. I don't see any way back from this for us.
I now have a weekend to look forward to!
I have printed the 180 and Just Let Them Go and evey time I feel a bit weak or sad, I read them.
So wish me luck..Who knows where this will go.
I have also made a doctor's appointment for next week not sleeping very well - waking at 5.00 a.m) and found Rotweiler of a divorce solicitor.
Hang out upstairs all weekend. If he comes upstairs and tries to hug you, ask him if he can go down and get you a drink. When he comes back up the stairs with your drink, ask him if he could please add a few ice cubes. When he comes back up the stairs, just say, "Ah forget it and pour it out."
So despite the fact that they don't work together any more, and that she lives 400 miles away, they are in contact again.
I am glad to read you have a dr.'s appointment to help you cope and that you are finding a divorce attorney. I had feared for a moment after reading your post quickly that you were going to try to just do the 180 which, while essential in your case, would in no way work on its own.
PLEASE reconsider your previous refusal to expose to the OWH. She is a homewrecker of the first order and I don't care if she has 256 orphans that have nowhere to go (much less a couple of teenagers), her husband deserves to know EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS YOU DID.
bronwen, I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems that you have made your decision already. He is a coward. He didn't explain just made a remark about your 'interest in his phone'. Well it's not your interest in the phone, but his interest in OW that ruined it. I'm glad you are perceptive and saw through his bs. I wish you luck and be tough. His fu*ck up is the fact that not only has he cheated on you, he lied about breaking it off. Then he continued cheating. You are a strong person obviously and you will do what you need to. Do you have kids? That complicates matters. If you don't, then I say... sayonara sucker. Eh, what the hell is wrong with people???
Bronwen - I'm so sorry things have happened to take you backwards. Same thing happened here and I struggle with it. It's refreshing and encouraging to see that you're taking control of your own life ... I'm learning from your experience and your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep moving forward - you seem like a great person and you deserve a great life.
Not many people are ever taught just how devastating an affair can be to the BS, the marriage, the kids, family finances, etc. etc.
They are emotional tsunamis leaving nothing but destruction and shattered lives in their wake.
TV, movies, magazines, books etc. usually don't cover any of the raw, nasty emotional anguish. It's all portrayed as something exciting and sexy and passionate, usually with "true love" with a "soul mate" waiting at the end.
So despite the fact that they don't work together any more, and that she lives 400 miles away, they are in contact again.
I am glad to read you have a dr.'s appointment to help you cope and that you are finding a divorce attorney. I had feared for a moment after reading your post quickly that you were going to try to just do the 180 which, while essential in your case, would in no way work on its own.
PLEASE reconsider your previous refusal to expose to the OWH. She is a homewrecker of the first order and I don't care if she has 256 orphans that have nowhere to go (much less a couple of teenagers), her husband deserves to know EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS YOU DID.
My heart sank too when I realised she was back and perhaps never went away.
He assured me 3 days after discovery that it was finished and there was no contact in fact he actually got a go-between if he had to have any dealings with her.
My heart sank too when I realised she was back and perhaps never went away.
He assured me 3 days after discovery that it was finished and there was no contact in fact he actually got a go-between if he had to have any dealings with her.
Well what a trusting fool I've been!
He derived something from those conversations, but he would never open up to you to explain them so that you could learn to meet those needs instead. He swept them all under the rug--he wasn't strong enough to walk away from the fantasy. Hardly any of them are. He was no different in that way.
Remember that my husband led me on for 3 years about the affair being over. I was 10x more trusting than you ever were so if there's anyone on this forum who was played the fool it was me.
The part that rips me up, however, is that he could hurt you after you'd been betrayed before. It's as if you had lost one arm in a prior accident and in the middle of the night he went and sawed off the other one.
bronwen, I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems that you have made your decision already. He is a coward. He didn't explain just made a remark about your 'interest in his phone'. Well it's not your interest in the phone, but his interest in OW that ruined it. I'm glad you are perceptive and saw through his bs. I wish you luck and be tough. His fu*ck up is the fact that not only has he cheated on you, he lied about breaking it off. Then he continued cheating. You are a strong person obviously and you will do what you need to. Do you have kids? That complicates matters. If you don't, then I say... sayonara sucker. Eh, what the hell is wrong with people???
I have a grown-up daughter and grandchildren which really helps.
Do you know I still can't believe he has done this to me/us.
Bronwen - I'm so sorry things have happened to take you backwards. Same thing happened here and I struggle with it. It's refreshing and encouraging to see that you're taking control of your own life ... I'm learning from your experience and your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep moving forward - you seem like a great person and you deserve a great life.
So sorry you are going through the same thing. It is so painfull.
I think a person can take only so much and there comes a point when even the quietest if us will say ENOUGH!
He derived something from those conversations, but he would never open up to you to explain them so that you could learn to meet those needs instead. He swept them all under the rug--he wasn't strong enough to walk away from the fantasy. Hardly any of them are. He was no different in that way.
Remember that my husband led me on for 3 years about the affair being over. I was 10x more trusting than you ever were so if there's anyone on this forum who was played the fool it was me.
The part that rips me up, however, is that he could hurt you after you'd been betrayed before. It's as if you had lost one arm in a prior accident and in the middle of the night he went and sawed off the other one.
I find that devastating too. He knows all about my ex husbands affairs.
I believed everything he told me - he seemed so honest and genuine
My therapist says he has narcisistic traits i.e. inability to empathise or feel anyone else's pain.
Got myself a book on this called "Enough about you let's talk about me" - it's as if someone has written him a character reference- all the pieces fit!
Bronwen, I am so mad at him. He has no idea what a great lady he has. You are really being so graceful. I understand your decision.
I totally agree to keep him hopping up and down the stairs - a little pain in his joints is nothing compared to your heartbreak.
My STBXH just looks me in the eye and lies ......... What really breaks my heart is how he has ruined his relationship with our oldest daughter, who discovered the A. He is losing a fabulous girl.
You stay strong this weekend.
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Well that went really well! 
