Yes, bc women cheat when there husbands fail to meet this important need. It is not usually about sex, and not usually planned, and usually something that comes from years of neglect. no matter how hard she tries to get her man to listen and to know how important this is, he blows her off.
I think men also cheat for similar reasons, but are more likely to cheat for just sex: one night stands, bachelor parties, etc.
There is more to a woman's cheating- it's never usually just to get your rocks off.
There is always this quick rush to judge men's desire for sex as shallow and non-important - as you have done - while a woman's "emotional needs" as so much nobler and worthy. Why is that?
There is always this quick rush to judge men's desire for sex as shallow and non-important - as you have done - while a woman's "emotional needs" as so much nobler and worthy. Why is that?
I am feeling very upset about the stigma that appears to be attached to betrayed spouse.
Many people appear to question what BS did to make spouse cheat. It's as if all the blame is put on the BS
In my opinion that is far more likely if the BS is the husband. I don't think you need to worry about this too much, particularly if this was your first marriage.
Sorry no excuse here either. He gave it a whole 4 years huh? He didn't want a person he wanted a look. You are wasting your sympathy.
Likewise I have no sympathy for the woman who says she has tried everything but no longer in love or sexually attracted to her husband because he doesn't want to change. She doesn't want a husband, she wants an excuse to cheat and feel good about herself.
For a long time I felt that what my then-OH did was a reflection on me. That I was lacking in some way. And that the people around us would think I was slack.
In particular I remember being convinced his workmates must think I was Mrs. Homely-and-let-herself-go: stay -at-home mum with four young children and he was looking elsewhere with a five-month-old baby at home. I felt that said a lot to the world about what I must be like and what he thought of me (she was quite attractive and they all liked her too.)
That got quashed however when I bumped into one of his workmates and I was looking and feeling particularly good that day. He was very complimentary to my OH about me and although it was inconsequential to anyone else, it actually did a lot for me as regards my self-esteem and getting rid of those thoughts of what people perceived me as. Posted via Mobile Device
I see many good points made on this thread. I will have to say I need to leave the 'adultery 101' info behind as I learn more and more.
We are individuals and different in many aspects. There are many reasons for affairs. This applies to both men and women. Men go searching for emotional gain as well as women. Women have affairs merely for the sex, the excitement and the chase as well.
I have seen it run both ways... stigma and sympathy for the BS, man or woman. But for the most part I can see sympathy for the BS. It is true, 'two to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy it'. Those who want their cake and eat it too are totally wrong. I am not saying other reasons for affairs are right. They are not.
If someone has tried to work with the marriage and gains no success, then leave the marriage. Do not destroy the self esteem of the marriage partner with affairs. Just end it before hand. This stigma placed on the BS, either self imposed or from elsewhere is a heavy burden. And we know what affairs do to the BS. The affair can affect future relationships so horribly.
I have never really came across a cheater that I liked either. I will guess to say I looked deeper into their nature and realized, 'they can not commit totally and honestly' nor do they have respect for the one they cheat on or themselves. I feel sympathy, not stigma for the BS. It is the cheater who stands to take all blame for the affair in my eyes. They, the cheating spouses have made the decision!
There is always this quick rush to judge men's desire for sex as shallow and non-important - as you have done - while a woman's "emotional needs" as so much nobler and worthy. Why is that?
Yes, you see this all the time, especially in the media. You can simply turn on the tv and see this in action by watching Oprah, Ricki Lake, Maury Povich, etc, etc, etc,. You get this idea that if a woman cheats, she's justified because her knuckle-dragging neanderthal husband hasn't been meeting her emotional needs, then it's all "You go girl!". But if a man cheats, its because he's a no good dog.
Sorry no excuse here either. He gave it a whole 4 years huh? He didn't want a person he wanted a look. You are wasting your sympathy.
Right because her gaining 100lbs a year (because she thought and said that once you are married you have to stay together no matter what, so she didn't have to change), and him begging and pleading for 3+ years for her to get help was all about the 'look'.
Sounds like you nailed it, as he was trying to work it out when she was 225, then 325, and even in the 400's when he finally quit on his marriage. Even though she quit on him years earlier, I guess she lost the look when she got 400+, awesome.
While I agree his cheating was totally wrong; I rarely look at it as a 'good' person that made a mistake, he was the exception. I've seen 100's of cheaters in my 13 years of active duty, and he wasn't typical of the people who do this. He cheated and then divorced, no lying after the fact, no trickle-truth, no false R, just D.
Right because her gaining 100lbs a year (because she thought and said that once you are married you have to stay together no matter what, so she didn't have to change), and him begging and pleading for 3+ years for her to get help was all about the 'look'.
Sounds like you nailed it, as he was trying to work it out when she was 225, then 325, and even in the 400's when he finally quit on his marriage. Even though she quit on him years earlier, I guess she lost the look when she got 400+, awesome.
While I agree his cheating was totally wrong; I rarely look at it as a 'good' person that made a mistake, he was the exception. I've seen 100's of cheaters in my 13 years of active duty, and he wasn't typical of the people who do this. He cheated and then divorced, no lying after the fact, no trickle-truth, no false R, just D.
Yes, would appear he did at least come clean and end it with honesty. He also did attempt to 'help and support, trying to save his marriage. Sometimes enough is enough...
Many years ago I was in a marriage where I could have felt quite justified in having an affair (my ex-husband was asexual - I am not), but I chose to leave the marriage (after extensive counselling) rather than cheat. No problem is going to be solved by adding another potential problem to the mix...
It's all about integrity, honesty, respect and personal choice.
I am feeling very upset about the stigma that appears to be attached to betrayed spouse.
Many people appear to question what BS did to make spouse cheat. It's as if all the blame is put on the BS
I have come across books in which trained psychiatrists say that it is really the cheater who has the problem.
Shirley Glass claimed the cheaters are the ones who are the takers and who are giving less in the marriage based on her experiences.
She says often the BS is married to an immature, spoiled person who has a sense of entitlement and an unrealistic expectation of what a marriage should be.
Other studies show that cheaters many times have a personality disorder or are the type of people who disassociate or have a split in their personality. The split off part being the cheater, the other part seeing themselves as a good husband.
All opinions are welcome
My experience is that the cheater is much like you describe but as the BS I can also say that I was codependent and also very sensitive to various gaslighting and manipulation and power and control maneuvers. A cheater needs to have someone who is 'cheatable' in order to cheat. Often the cheater will use their partner in order to manipulate and control the person the cheater is cheating with, saying that their partner is 'abusive' or 'doesn't love them' or has 'cut them off from sex', or even 'is cheating on them'.
Things like he would say he 'didn't understand women' and that's why he thought it would be okay to invite a former sex partner to go climbing with him for the whole day including hour long+ car ride, hike into the woods together, climbing together whole day, dinner after and then ride home. Or that I was being paranoid and 'didn't trust him' when he was emailing his other (married) girlfriend. Or would tell another woman friend that I was cheating on him and that I didn't like her, and so she started spreading rumors around that I was cheating on him...meanwhile he told me that she said to people at a party she had that he went to after telling me he had ended his friendship with her, that I had been seen at a park with my dog and some man. Also that she thought I was dumb for knitting socks when I could buy a pair for a dollar. Effectively keeping me from ever really talking to this woman, and thus keeping the truth of his manipulative lies to each of us from coming forth.
It takes two to tango.
You can dance, or you can walk, and dance elsewhere.
I don't think the BS gets the short end of the stick, one of the things I learned to do in therapy was not to care overly much about what other people think. In truth, most people think more about themselves than to be worrying about the qualities or pitfalls of a BS. Nope, anyone hears BS and WS and cheating you can bet they are worrying most about their own relationships, even if it is to be smug and think that theirs is perfect (that kind of thinking will lead to issues, imo...)
Don't worry about BS getting the short end of the stick or being blamed. If your heart was in the right place, that's what counts. Continue putting your heart in the right place. Let others be concerned with what they are thinking. You don't have to tell everyone about how you did everything sexually your partner wanted, or how you cooked special for them, or how you never looked dumpy, etc. etc. etc. In effect, nobody really cares, and I think that's the truth. They only care in relation to themselves.
I do think that there is in some places a collection of cheaters themselves sympathize and support the WS because to do otherwise would be to call themselves out.
For instance if you have a group of "friends" who have cheated themselves, I sincerely doubt they would be at all kind of sympathetic to someone being cheated on. Instead they would be the first to suggest a revenge affair.
That's a good sign that you should dump those friends.
Our ex-couselor who is a man and never married told us no matter what is always the mans fault,yeah ok.Our new couselor a women does not take this view,she even asked my wife how would she feel if I did the same thing to her.
There is no excuse for for cheating,the only reason I could see is if one partner is physically abusive to spouse and or the chirldren. Posted via Mobile Device
Generally speaking, I think most people sympathize with the BS if it's a woman. This is because she is usually stuck at home raising children and can't easily get out to socialize.
If it's a guy, many will assume he isn't able to take care of his wife either financially or in the bedroom, or both.I know I spent a wasted moth or so trying to not only figure out how I could be cheated on for two decades, but just why it happened when everything in "our" marriage was geared toward providing for her and what turned out to be her children.
Once I found out she was cheating on the guy who moved into what was now her home, I never gave it another thought.
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Re: Stigma attached to being betrayed spouse. 
