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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-14-2012, 10:54 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

For me, I think my marriage is beyonf repair. I've read so many self-help books to try to fix my part in this. I am at a loss as what to do.

What HAS helped me is reading all the cheating stories on TAM. AS bad as things are, I don't want to hurt my wife and daughter. I NEVER want to known as the one who cheated. That will stay with me and it would ruin any future relationships. How would another woman trust me?

My wife and I have so muych to talk about and we both avoid important subjects.

I hope I don't stray and I don't want to walk out of my wife and daughters life. I also want to feel loved and desired. My thought do wander off way too much. I think I passes the test years ago when things were better. Now that we have issues... I am not so sure.
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Old 05-14-2012, 11:36 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

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Originally Posted by Already Gone View Post
For me, I think my marriage is beyonf repair. I've read so many self-help books to try to fix my part in this. I am at a loss as what to do.

What HAS helped me is reading all the cheating stories on TAM. AS bad as things are, I don't want to hurt my wife and daughter. I NEVER want to known as the one who cheated. That will stay with me and it would ruin any future relationships. How would another woman trust me?

My wife and I have so muych to talk about and we both avoid important subjects.

I hope I don't stray and I don't want to walk out of my wife and daughters life. I also want to feel loved and desired. My thought do wander off way too much. I think I passes the test years ago when things were better. Now that we have issues... I am not so sure.
Please find a good marriage counselor to help facilitate discussion.

IMO, Marriage counseling is most effective prior to the crisis of an affair, afterward it is much more difficult to find a good counselor who can work with a marriage in crisis.

If counseling doesn't work seek a divorce, don't go to the dark side and allow yourself to cheat.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:07 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:11 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

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I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.
Did you do your homework regarding this IC you have an appointment with? I ask because there are some really bad ones that have destroyed marriages. I hope this isn't one of those who will give you a "You go girl!" to your wayward thoughts.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:13 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

OK, I'll play. I'm 53 years old. I cheated once, when I was 29, in a marriage that was dying before my eyes. I've never done it again, nor would I. And I greatly resent the analogy to some kind of addiction (once an addict, always an addict) -- I made a decision in a certain set of circumstances, and I learned that it was a poor decision.

So, no, I rather hate the simplistic nature of "once a cheater, always a cheater", although I realize many of you find comfort in that.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:16 PM   #51 (permalink)
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I booked an IC session for Wen for all of my 'cheating- not in love-not sexually attracted' thoughts.
Good for you!


There are many alternatives to cheating.

Having the courage to explore those options, to decide that cheating is the easy way out...

that is commendable.

Bravo.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:31 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Did you do your homework regarding this IC you have an appointment with? I ask because there are some really bad ones that have destroyed marriages. I hope this isn't one of those who will give you a "You go girl!" to your wayward thoughts.
I have been to her and she is amazing. She is very pro marriage, and gave me amazing insights before.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:32 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does cheating once make you "A cheater"?

I believe the question is really whether cheating is in a person's DNA and if you cheat once, does that increase the likelihood you will cheat again ?

As far as DNA I believe a small percentage are wired to cheat , a small percentage are wired to not cheat, and a large percentage will be influenced by environment

Whether you cheat again will depend on what happened the first time. If no adverse consequences probably a higher probability you will reoffend in the future.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:33 PM   #54 (permalink)
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So, no, I rather hate the simplistic nature of "once a cheater, always a cheater", although I realize many of you find comfort in that.
I always thought that until I started to have these thoughts myself. And I was never a cheater.


*That blue devil avatar looks like a cheater though* lol
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