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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-13-2012, 03:18 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

I missed the part about him texting her he missed her. There's no reason for that kind of text, and she should have squashed it immediately with a "I am married, and I'm sorry, but I have moved on and that is inappropriate....this is about the kids" type of thing. That goes above and beyond normal conversation about the kids, what each other is up to, etc. That is a red flag, along with the lying about seeing him and getting defensive. Three red flags. Check it out. If it's nothing, as others have said, you need boundaries. She must be transparent about this.

You have red flags. Check them out. Nip it in the bud immediately. That is inappropriate communication with an ex.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

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Originally Posted by primebeatz View Post
WOndering if she will continue to have doubts or whatever and continue to go back to him whether its througs secret texts and phone calls or physically. We have a baby on the way now... dont know if I should be more understanding because of hormones and stuff or what. Very confused
No. You don't have to be more understanding.

No wonder why she still has doubts about the marriage with you.
Within a year you dated and got married. That is a short time to make a marriage happen.
Anyway, what's done is done. She shouldn't have married you unless she was sure about her feeling.

IMHO she's being very immature going back and forth to her boyfriend and sure, getting married at 21 is another factor for her unstable feelings.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:40 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

She is 21. The age when people finally get to drink and take shots. Finally old enough to party! But she has two kids....and she's pregnant!....ugh.....She is closer to a high schooler, emotionally, than an adult.

I think you have something her EX doesn't- Which is why she is with you, but also with him. What do you have? Stability? Maturity? $?

She isn't over him, and he isn't over her- and now your caught up in the middle. I agree with the other posters that you need to set up boundaries asap and demand she respect them, but only if the baby is yours. If he/she isn't yours- GET OUT OF THIS NOW.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:55 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

She is 21

She has two children

You dated for four months

During those four months she went back to him for a time

Then you got married

You've been married for 6 mos.

She is pregnant

You feel like she is inappropriately in contact with her Ex.

You should be very, very, very concerned.

----------------------------

Here is my take on this. I don't care that they weren't married before. She has at least one child by that man (maybe 2? maybe 3?). Regardless--

the typical advice to prevent affairs with ex's is No Contact, as in zero, zip, nada, for the rest of their lives. However, that is beyond unreasonable where she is the mother of a young child via her Ex. The only way you can confirm she isn't stringing her ex along and planning to go back to him is monitor all their communications. That seems to be to be an outrageous solution for one adult vis-a-vis another.

I think you're going to have to learn to live with the fact that someday she may go back to him. Four months is nearly always too short a time to know someone enough to marry them. At the tender age of 20 or 21, it might as well be four seconds.

I wish you good luck, and I mean that very sincerely, because you need every bit you can get. You probably fully understand now why experts recommend knowing someone for at least a year or two before getting engaged, and then spending a number of months being engaged before getting married. It most certainly doesn't solve all problems, but there are quite a few that it does prevent.

Last edited by iheartlife; 05-13-2012 at 04:05 PM.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:57 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Why did you marry her---or did you just think the good fairy, was gonna come in snap her fingers, and make your wife---forget her lover

She went back to him twice--before you even got married----she refuses to stop talking to him, and in all honesty he will be in your life till THEIR kid is 18, at least---so he ain't goin away any time soon

You got 2 choices here---live in MISERY, for the rest of the time you are with her---or get an annulment---if you can---and DO NOT EVER COME ON HERE, AND PUT THE PEOPLE WHO SPEND TIME HERE, DOWN---THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF INFIDELITY, THEN YOU WILL EVER LEARN IN YOUR WHOLE F'ING LIFETIME

They are telling you straight, you are getting your a*s whooped, by your wife, and she is gonna continue to cheat on you, your whole mge---and I AM WILLING TO BET ON THAT!!!!!!
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Old 05-13-2012, 04:33 PM   #21 (permalink)
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jnj... when did I put anyone on here down?
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Old 05-13-2012, 04:54 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

How about your post #6----You best listen to these people----THEY WILL, save you a whole lot of grief, ---just remember---you get one SHOT at life on this planet----and it spose to be a good, happy, enjoyable trip---here you are 6 months into a mge., that you KNEW---was gonna have problems, now you need help---try listening/following what you are told---THEY KNOW WHAT THE ARE TALKING ABOUT.
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:16 PM   #23 (permalink)
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i appreciate the advice.. for the record jnj... that was not an attack or a put down towards anybody and i truly regret you feel that way. I didnt want advice from anybody who thought I was being hostile towards them. A way of thinking was presented to me and I was just wondering if there was a possible alternate way of thinking that didn't involve divorce or paternity tests OR a failed unhappy marriage
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:18 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Prime, realize that we're looking at your situation from the outside and in black and white. You, however, see it from the inside, with all the emotions, pain, hope, crumbling dreams, and all that goes with your situation.

The people here have been through the whole range, so don't take it personally if someone dresses you down. Sometimes it's deserved (to give you a wake up call), and sometimes people are venting just as you are.

Black and white - you're very young, you've been with this girl for less than a year and were married after just four months. There are 2, soon to be 3 kids in the picture (questionable as to whether #3 is yours, to be blunt), and you have reason to not trust her because of her feelings for her ex, and how she has acted on them in secrecy. She is keeping things from you. Big things. You should run for the hills. Man I wish she wasn't pregnant. You're signing up for a huge load here, and I know you love her but it's gonna be a very hard road, especially if you can't trust her (which you shouldn't).

See a counselor to vent your concerns, see if they can give you some perspective on the big picture. And yes, do listen to the people here. Won't find a more seasoned crew who want to help you avoid the mistakes that will be rolling at you like a Mack truck in the weeks/months to come. It's a mine field, and you won't get out unscatched, but you will still be standing.

Good luck...
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:50 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Wow. I think you darn well better check the babies DNA and you really really should be worried.

You've only been with her less than a year and she's already gone back to him once, possibly more. she's got 2 kids already at 21 to boot.

She doesn't really make very good life choices does she. she also rushes right into things it seems.

I think it is very highly likely she is still connecting with him, and will do so again. I really really recommend you get a DNA test done because that kid very well may be his.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:27 PM   #26 (permalink)
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we work the same job same schedule one car. all days off were together. been lile that since September. not sure when she would have chance to cheat
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:57 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

You're in denial. One thing I've learned from my ordeal is that cheaters will find a way to cheat.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:01 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Let's say you can be 100% sure that she has had no chance to physically cheat since September.

You are still posting here for a reason; that is, you believe she's communicating inappropriately with her Ex. You want her to stop it and you're asking for advice on how to accomplish that.

You have plenty of evidence, from her actions and words, that she is drawn to her Ex. Ordinarily, we would tell you that she is likely in an emotional affair, and it certainly qualifies as cheating. Many a person has betrayed their marriage in this way. It consists of an inappropriately close relationship with someone outside the marriage, keeping it secret from the spouse, discussing issues with that person privately that aren't discussed with the spouse, and forming a strong bond.

The problem with an Ex, however, is that the bond was created long before you met. So these aren't new feelings she is developing for this person; this is an ongoing struggle she periodically has, whether to return and live with the father of her child(ren) as a family. Again, it doesn't matter that they never married, her feelings for him were strong enough to have a bond.

If there were no children, you would have every right and expectation for her to permanently end communicating with her Ex. After all, she's married to you.

That is not an option here. She will always have a reason, a very legal and important reason, to talk to her Ex.

If you want to stay married, you will need to explicitly discuss the boundaries with her in relation to talking to her Ex. But I don't see how you can monitor their communications and determine whether or not she is in love with him and whether or not she plans to go back. It's just a physical impossibility.

That is why I recommended, if you want to stay married to her, learning to live with that very real potential that she will leave. You can talk about boundaries, and she can make promises and nod her head. Just remember, she ALREADY vowed to be your wife for the rest of your life. If that is not enough, there is little you can do now to compel her to stay faithful, because you cannot stop them from interacting. You are truly over a barrel.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:03 PM   #29 (permalink)
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She has been texting w him inappropriately, maintaining their bonds and hiding it from you. That is cheating. You can't tell me she hasn't been elsewhere than you since September...though its good that you spend most of your time together. Your thread title asks how concerned you should be. The answer is very. If you want this woman then you need to enforce boundaries from the get go. No casual talk w ex, only kid stuff. No texting/communicating secretly w other men. If she loves you those should be pretty easy to enforce. Tell her you can't be in a three person marriage, and that you expect her to respect that. How would she react if you were keeping secret ties w your ex's (or anyone for that matter)?
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Old 05-14-2012, 02:37 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Hey Prime----we are here to help you---I know you don't like a lot of what your getting thrown at you---but it is the wisdom of many, talking to you

I wish, we could turn you inside out of yourself, and make you a fly on the wall of your home, looking at everything from an outside perspective---you would see this so much differently

I am answering you based solely on what you have written---so here goes---she had a lover, she had kids with him, she has married you, but has not STOPPED, heavy/major communication with him---so right here let's stop and ask you a question---Is this what a married woman does---keep up heavy communication with an X-Lover---you already know the answer don't you????

She is pregnant---you can only hope its yours,---- as to kids with him, your wife is the mother, the X-Lover is the father, he is gonna be in your life a long time, whether you like it or not

You are married only 6 mths---she is already running to him, and you are running to us, declaring you are already having problems, so your mge, which should be in the starry-eyed, wonderful stage, where you and your wife, see no other but each other, instead---you are already miserable, cuz she is in constant contact, with her X-Lover

Look at your future---can't see it---take the ave. mge---7 to 10 yrs in---things get boring same old, same old---spouses, want something more, something exciting---problems crop up---but in your mge---even long before that, I will tell you what will probably happen, you two will disagree/argue/fight---it happens in every mge that exists----and I will tell you right now---everytime you have a problem in your mge---she is gonna run to her X-Lover-----what happens when the 2 of them get together----who knows---but it will never be GOOD FOR YOUR MGE

Get out of this now---your mge., will give you nothing but misery----you may call me a pessimist---but based on your fact pattern, what I have written, is more than likely, what you are looking at for a future----is that really what you want for a future----It's your choice/decision, and no one else's---but it is your life, to live----I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide!!!!
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