How concerned should I be
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-13-2012, 02:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How concerned should I be

Wondering if my wife wants to cheat on me.

She has 2 kids with her ex.
I have 2 kids with my ex.

Something felt "off" the past few months...hardly hacing any real conversations, less sex, more arguments..We got into an argument and I ended up checking phone records online and saw that she had been calling her ex while I was at work. Got a hold of her phone and saw texts back and forth between them asking how their day was and stuff. The last one he sent was talking about how he missed her or whatever. I blew up and asked her if she wanted a divorce... she said she refused to sign anything and said I was ridiculous for accusing her. Said she was talking to him about sports (that part really bothers me since it makes no sense).

Not the first time she went back to him..while we were dating, she left me to go back with him once then said it was a mistake and came back to me. Then when she moved in she visited him without me knowing , stating she was making sure she was doing the right thing for her babies... About a month ago she recommended we all have her sons bday party together (ex included) so that her son would know that everything was ok.
We have been married for 6 months and only dated about 4 months before we married. WOndering if she will continue to have doubts or whatever and continue to go back to him whether its througs secret texts and phone calls or physically. We have a baby on the way now... dont know if I should be more understanding because of hormones and stuff or what. Very confused
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

How long ago was her divorce finalized?
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Prime, C'mon Man...

With as many EXs in your life you should know without any doubts...

Former persons that you or your wife have been intimate with, have no place in your current marriage. These pages are littered with affair after affair from formers. And BTW, a long time ago means very little in the affair equation. My own wife was FB by an old college BF from 30 YEARS ago. Yep, in less than 2 weeks she is having sex in motels no tell with him and back madly in love.
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

I am sure she was talking about sports.......the sport of lovemaking no doubt.

Look she has gone back to her ex twice already. If you have a baby on the way then you most certainly need to have a paternity test done. Why in the world would you trust her with this ex. You have been married only 6 months and should be in the honeymoon stage. Try to get a paternity test done and if it is not yours then file for an annulment. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this humiliating and disrespecting behavior from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

she was never married to him...
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

do any of you possibly think your advice is a bit over the top? I mean this is my marriage and even though it sounds conflicting under the xircumstance, I do believe she takes that seriously. She is only 21... and she is pregnant.. could any of that be at play here?
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Dude we all have been here long enough to know that with certiainty that we are not over the top.
We here in this community see it time and again.

Listen and think!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

she is 21 and already have 2 kids with 3rd on the way?
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yeah
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Personally I would take a step back from this and have a good think over the facts, having taken off the rose tinted glasses that falling in love with this girl had you wear.

21 with 2 children and one on the way is a LOT of pressure and responsibility for a 21 year old, who probably still has a lot of emotional growing up to do. Sounds like she doesn't have a clue what she wants, who she wants and what is best for her and the kids. Wether you like it or not her and the kids are all she deep down cares about and so it should be. I agree with the suggestion that after only 9 months of being together you should still be in the honeymoon stage, with not a fraction of doubt about anything.

This needs to be sorted one way or another before children end up getting confused and hurt. And remember by posting in here you are inviting in opinion, and they will all be different.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Sucks she`s pregnant.

Here`s my advice based on the fact that she`s only 21 with two kids already and a history of being stuck on her Ex and lying to you about it.

Divorce her before you get any deeper into this **** because that`s what this is....****.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father.

That way you`re off scott free.

Here`s what I`d advise if you foolishly wanted to invest the time, blood, tears, money, life, and heartbreak into attempting to fix it only to eventually fail anyway.

She is never to have contact with her Ex again beyond dropping off and picking up the kids.

You are to monitor these communications and she is to delete nothing.
Check her phone/e-mail contact with him against the cell logs and install a key logger on the computer if she contacts him that way.

If she balks at any of this divorce her.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father because that might be the only thing that will make you get yourself out of this ****.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

take control of your marriage a set the boundries and the consequences if those boundries are crossed. You cant control her but you can offer up the action in protecting the marriage, then it will be up to her to recieve this protection or not.

She is young and as you get labeled "controlling" you will submit to her manipulation, don't let this happen by being the alpha male in this marriage and stick to your boundries. Like many here we stop protecting our marriages and by avaoiding losing the ones we love we also loss control of our marriages.

You do not control your wife but you do have control over what you will tolorate and what you will do if boundries are crossed.

I'm afraid you are in for a life of "girls night outs" and "your not my dad" and "your to controling" and my favorite " I'm an adult and I can do what I want"........sorry brother, your chick has no boundries for her body much less for her marriage.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It may be nothing. But the two things that bother me is her getting so defensive about it, and not telling you when she went to see him. For this type of thing to work, she has to be pretty transparent.

You may have to accept the fact that there is another man permanently in your life due to the children. This is a very gray area here. You'll have to learn to trust her, and just as importantly, not show jealousy when it starts to eat at you. Look for signs though, and don't get blindsided. When in doubt and you have justifiable suspicions, confirm if they are true or not. Then put it behind you.

IF nothing is going on, then I see nothing wrong with bringing the entire family together for special occassions or just a bbq or whatnot. Sometimes you have to put aside personal feelings for the kids.

This takes you being very secure in yourself and the relationship though. And it also takes understanding from her that this is a bit of a hard situation for you, and she should be a little understanding when you occassionally have questions or little doubts.

I encouraged my W to maintain a relationship with her ex because of the kids, and also because the bitterness and battles were eating away at her happiness (and in return ours to some degree). And it was hard for her at first, because he was very bitter. She had to take a lot of crap from him and "turn the other cheek" before things settled down and he got tired of fighting someone who wouldn't fight back. Now all is seemingly good. They visit and do things as a family regularly. She's anxious for the day when enough time has passed that we can all visit together. And I'm confident I have not a worry in the world about any of this. Sure, I still get a nagging twinge of "what if" from time to time, but she's never done a single thing to make me doubt her. And believe me, I'm very in tune to possible "red flags".

They talk, they text, they visit. She'll always take his calls in front of me when I'm around. She keeps me in the loop. She knows to lie to me about anything involving another man would end our relationship, so she does not do it. I resist questions as much as possible, and don't pry too much, and never act jealous. If I have a question, I ask it, and I get an answer.

Could this backfire on me someday? I suppose. But I don't think that would change because of WHO the other guy is, but rather who she is. She will be pre-disposed to that type of thing or she won't be. I have zero cause to think she is that way, and I certainly won't push her towards it by being insecure, controlling or jealous. By being this way I feel I've done much more to maintain her loyalty than by not trusting for no substantive reason.

If there are red flags, find out what is going on. If you find out it's nothing, you will HAVE to put it behind you. There is another man in your relationship, and because of the kids, he'll be there a while. The wrong thing to do is to try and create strife between them or tell her you won't accept this extended family type relationship (assuming he's not some evil child molestor or abuser). Being controlling will only speed up (or perhaps facilitate) an outcome that otherwise would not happen or would have happened no matter what you did.

Trust until she's proven she's unworthy. And if that's the case, "next" her sorry butt and move on.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Adding to what the others have said... yes, she is young and confused. However, the ex should ONLY be in the picture in regards to the children. Really, as long as she is married to you, she needs to keep the ex out except regarding the kids. Period. Reminiscing just keeps their relationship fresh in her mind, and makes her wonder why the relationship ended, etc. And you need to have THIS talk with her. Tell her how it makes you feel. While she could be feeling this because she is now expecting her third child, it still isn't fair to you.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How concerned should I be

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Sucks she`s pregnant.

Here`s my advice based on the fact that she`s only 21 with two kids already and a history of being stuck on her Ex and lying to you about it.

Divorce her before you get any deeper into this **** because that`s what this is....****.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father.

That way you`re off scott free.

Here`s what I`d advise if you foolishly wanted to invest the time, blood, tears, money, life, and heartbreak into attempting to fix it only to eventually fail anyway.

She is never to have contact with her Ex again beyond dropping off and picking up the kids.

You are to monitor these communications and she is to delete nothing.
Check her phone/e-mail contact with him against the cell logs and install a key logger on the computer if she contacts him that way.


If she balks at any of this divorce her.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father because that might be the only thing that will make you get yourself out of this ****.
I'd also suggest watching to see if she adds yahoo messenger or msn or any other chat thing on her phone. She could very easily add them to avoid her texting to show conversations with him. If already on there, then any conversations MUST be saved in the history so you can see.

Ultimately, this is up to you, but these are the things I would do in your place.
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