And I'll tell you why he will never be the one to leave me....how about living in a million and a half dollar house, exotic vacations, beautiful wife and children, Porche and Mercedes in the garage.....just cant help feel I am being played. The therapist told me he will never file for divorce because all this is too important to him and his image as a successful family man at work in NY. He of course tells me I am the love of his life.
I have talked to a lawyer and I would need to get a divorce here in NJ, even though I got maried in the UK and am a UK citizen. My children and I have our own Green Cards and are US Residents, so we could stay here, but if I wanted to move back to the UK I would have to get approval from a judge and would not want to take his children the other side of the Atlantic from their Father. This is where the girls have lived for 6 years (apart from last year in Singapore)..and even then we kept the house unrented so we could come back at Christmas and the summer.
And my other fear? That 75% of marriages involve infidelity and 70% of partners never know. I fear I will never trust again and the chances of finding a faithful man are next to zero.
That statistic is not accurate.
Just look at all the betrayed spouses here who never thought of cheating even though like all marriages there was some rough spots.
Poppy, it seems that you are suggesting that the assets are all yours -- in which case, heck. Get thee to a lawyer and work something out. You are holding all the cards here, and he keeps cheating.
Poppy, I have been following your story! So sorry that you keep getting further information.
I do understand about the asian women trigger though...I experience the same thing. If we are watching tv or are out in public and I see an attractive asian lady..I get that sick anxious jealous feeling. I wonder is he thinking about his EA.....terrible feeling to have and at the same time it seems so stupid but I can't help it.
Asian woman, singapore, Phillipines, the name Vivian, are all triggers for me...a year ago all of those would have meant nothing to me.
Just one word about the lying - all cheaters lie like crazy. They will always choose a lie over the truth. It often takes months, even years, for all the truth to come out. Sometimes it never does.
The key for you - in my humble opinion - is for you to realize that you will likely continue to learn more about your husband's actions. If you decide to stay with him, understand that you'll need to find a way to get past it all. Believing that you know all the details already is unreasonable. You probably don't.
This is difficult. But it's reality. Every person who decides to stay married in some way has to accept that the past is the past and that the future is what they're after.
And don't everyone jump here - I don't mean that there aren't consequences for the past or that issues don't need to be resolved. What I mean is that at some point we have to accept that what happened is done and move forward. Even if moving forward is in divorce, it's not staying where you were.
Poppy - lamaga has made a good point. If you've seen a lawyer and you want a divorce you should get on with it. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a bad way to live.
Firstly, I spoke to a lawyer when I returned to the USA from Singapore because I wanted to be educated enough to know where I stood and to make an informed decision about trying to save my marriage based on my love for him and not my fear of leaving due to financial issues. The assets are mine in that I married him, therefore if I file for a divorce he will lose 50%..no big house and allimony and child support to pay. I told my H that it was sad that all of this was not enough to satisfy him and that the saddest thing was that I fell in love with him when were both 17 and had nothing.
Poppy, I have been following your story! So sorry that you keep getting further information.
I do understand about the asian women trigger though...I experience the same thing. If we are watching tv or are out in public and I see an attractive asian lady..I get that sick anxious jealous feeling. I wonder is he thinking about his EA.....terrible feeling to have and at the same time it seems so stupid but I can't help it.
Asian woman, singapore, Phillipines, the name Vivian, are all triggers for me...a year ago all of those would have meant nothing to me.
Ridiculous isnt it? Asian women, Singapore, Thailand, Phillippines, Indonesia, the name Annie.....and my kids lived there for a year so it comes up alot and the furniture we bought there arrived with the shipment a few months ago. It just hurts.
It is unlikely that he will ever leave you but very likely that he will start seeing prostitutes again. I am a therapist and this pattern is very typical. The fact that he has been with prostitutes show that he is just using them for his own needs (typical Narcissistic trait), no committment just wants to feel good, therefore a prostitute fits that bill. A prostitute just wants paid and no baggage.
You need to learn all you can about this type of behavior and decide what you want. He is more than likely showing you all sorts of love right now because it serves his purpose for right now.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Sad to say, I think too much damage has been done. Whether his counselling is successful or not, the fact that he not only betrayed you but also jeopardised your health (and possibly life) by having sex with prostitutes (condoms are not always effective in preventing AIDS) is something I know I could never move beyond. However, the question is - can you?
I'm sorry you're going through this, Poppy, and wish my opinion was a more positive one.
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Re: Time to get my ducks in a row? 
