Another lie exposed on Friday in therapy. Yes he did go back to one prostitute twice. Said she told him what bar she would be in and at 1am he decided to go find her. He told me he never saw any of them more than once. Not a big issue in the big scheme of things I hear you say, but to me it is just another lie 9 months into this nighmare. He also said he never went to these places with the intention to leave with someone, but now I know that he would go there and pick a target girl with 'features that floated his boat' and his win would be if he got her to go back to his hotel with him. He admits he is a narcissist and takes full responsibility, but how do I live with this? It was all so premeditated and so many conscious decisions. He said that that is a plus because he was not out of control and therefore can control it, but why did he not then? He is already talking about his desire to travel with work again and go out on a Thursday night in NY for a couple of beers after work. Am I unreasonable to feel that this is all unacceptable? Is the betrayal all just too much damage to really move on from and both be happy and healthy? Am I a failure if I give up now no matter how hard he is trying? His therapy is good, but I fear that this is never going to be liveable with. Every time I see an Asian woman I trigger and if I am with him I think he fancies her. Every time I see a 7 Eleven I trigger because I know he got condoms from there in Hong Kong. He wrote me love notes around the house the other morning, but they triggered me too as they reminded me of the notes I would put in his case when he went to Hong Kong...and every time he went he slept either with a prostitute or with the Indonesian he was having a year long affair with. When do you know when to walk away? He is being the father and husband I always wanted, but why not for the last 15 years? Do I just file for divorce and move on? I fear that too much damage has been done and bottom line is I dont feel special.
Of course you don't feel special, your husband is sleeping with prostitutes.
Everyone has their own line, and mine are more lax than a lot of folks around here, but sleeping with prostitutes? I just wouldn't accept that. You say he is being the "father and husband you always wanted" -- but really? This is the father and husband you always wanted, someone who goes to prostitutes, admits he is a narcissist, and seems to not really even be accepting responsibility?
I think it's unacceptable, and I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I do think you have bit of what I'll call, for lack of a better term, Stockholm Syndrome, and you desperately need some individual counseling to help you realize that this is not borderline unacceptable, this is WAY WAY WAY unacceptable.
How does a narcissist stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about other people?
This is a question I'd ask a trained professional.
I've always understood that narcissism is what sends therapists quaking in their boots, peeing their pants, calling someone else to take them as a client.
Typically, narcissism is untreatable. The basic standard for measuring it is the degree to which they will admit responsibility for their actions and not project them on to others. Since narcissists do this constantly--externalize ALL of their problems and never taking ANY blame--it is extremely difficult to persuade them that there is any reason to change.
Does your sex addiction therapist still ask you why you're with him? That person, more than any other, should have a good understanding of the chances for change. If they are telling you to run for the hills, your only other choice is to get a second opinion from another similarly trained expert. Who is, more than likely, going to tell you precisely the same thing, but if that is what you need to make your decision, then do it.
I am so scared. I am not in my home country. I have no family here. I am not a US citizen, but so have a Green Card. I do not work, but am a qualified teacher. He is taking full responsibility and getting alot of help..IC twice a week and sex therapy at least once a week. I have two children aged 10 and 12. He has threatened suicide and he will have nothing other than his job...no family support, no friends, no interests. I know I am not responsible for him and he made these horrific decisions, but I have been with him for 22 years. I also fear that he is truly transformed and will be a wonderful, attentive, loving and faithful husband from now on and I will have walked away.
I did not know about the prostitutes 9 months ago..just the 30,000 US dollars he had spent entertaining himself in bars and the affair. He lied to my face for 6 months about the prostitutes. Even when I told him the doctor was asking for the date of his last exposure...he said May and I now know it was the 21st August. Not defending myself at all because I know what you are saying, just explaining how long this process has been.
And my other fear? That 75% of marriages involve infidelity and 70% of partners never know. I fear I will never trust again and the chances of finding a faithful man are next to zero.
I know that you want to stay in the hopes that he will be Mr. Perfect. OK, but while you are waiting that out, please do go see an immigration attorney and see what your options are. Information never hurts. You are in quite a fix, but it won't hurt to just think about your options.
I am so scared. I am not in my home country. I have no family here. I am not a US citizen, but so have a Green Card. I do not work, but am a qualified teacher. He is taking full responsibility and getting alot of help..IC twice a week and sex therapy at least once a week. I have two children aged 10 and 12. He has threatened suicide and he will have nothing other than his job...no family support, no friends, no interests. I know I am not responsible for him and he made these horrific decisions, but I have been with him for 22 years. I also fear that he is truly transformed and will be a wonderful, attentive, loving and faithful husband from now on and I will have walked away.
OMG poppy I am sorry you are back in this spot. My heart really goes out to you. Please don't blame yourself. Your H is quite a piece of work.
It seems he is using the fact that you aren't working or a citizen to do whatever he wants. Actually, it sounds like he will do whatever he wants no matter where you live....
Please tell me you have not been sleeping with him without protection. I am having a full STD panel done after finding out there MAY have REMOTELY been physical cheating. Your H has admitted to it. And SEVERAL times with hookers. He is playing with fire and YOU may be the one who gets burned.
No one's giving up on you, Poppy. You are in a helluva fix, no doubt, but people have gone thru worse and survived, and even thrived. The good thing is that in a divorce, if you could prove the prostitute thing, you'd come out pretty well financially -- that's all pending what it does to your immigration status, which is why I suggested that your first move, before you do anything else, is to consult an immigration attorney.
And if you don't want to decide anything for a while, that's ok, too -- just please keep talking to us.
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Time to get my ducks in a row? 
