You sound very similair to alot of the heartbroken who first come onto this site; tail between legs with no balls and a sign that says wipe your paws. I too was one of them, until a quick slap in the face came from the likes of the same people who have responded to your thread. We all want whats best for you and that isnt your wife! She wants her cake and eat it too. The 180 works well as I have tried to implement it during my divorce but were too manipuated by my ex that it took a few times. Throughout this process, you need to have the mindset to F*uk her and work on you. I have found out alot of things I wasnt so happy about myself during this process and it can really be one of self reflection. You have the power to choose how this story ends for you, not her! Dont be the guy that everyone knows is the pushover. Like in the movie swingers, We want to see the rated R Bear and not the pg-13. Remember your wife is being the XXX rabbit! She made her choice the moment she started to throw herself at the trainer. I am 100% certain that the trainer didnt pick-up your wife but rather the exact opposite. She courted him knowing full well the reprocussions. We all know what cheating brings to a marriage. Also I might add she came clean to you why? I find most women come clean b/c they want their current relationship to end. If she didnt want you to know, she would have kept going on and just have been more coy about it. She is hoping you will put her through school and help her get her career going. Once that happens shell bang someone in the hospital/ docs etc.. I see it all the time. Bottom line is it never stops and your always going to be thinking....
Notice how you describe that she seems to keep wanting to make sure that you will give her another chance, but the OM is like an addiction. She's in the fog, but even she probably realizes where this whole thing with him will go. She knows that you are a given. But you can't deny that deep down, she seems to know that you are the right one for her. But why would she change anything? You are still her cheerleader, or the one who is pursuing her while she pursues another.
Don't you see how powerful it can be to her if she has to win your approval and reconciliation in order to stop the divorce process? It elevates you as someone who is unnattainable - like the hot young OM was before her affair with him. There is no promising that this will win her, but you have to see that while you are her given, and the OM is the one she has pursued and taken, there is little you can do. Even if you reconcile, you have to maintain this type of dynamic, where she is offering to give up everything you need just to keep you in her life. She has to feel that it takes work to keep you, and you can only manage this through treating her with the blame that she deserves. In the past, her mind was re-writing your past to justify the affair. Problem is, most guys in your position buy this accounting, because you are the one who is "her given", or the one who will always be her backup plan, willingly and unfailingly, so you'll tend to feel more remorse for her unhappiness than is actually justified. My point is, if this leads you to the place where she wants to pursue you, and stop the divorce, she'll be the one trying to convince you that things were great, but she screwed it up with the affair.
She cheated on your back with a POS, she confessed it to you in the belief that you will end the marriage but you didn't, so she went out of her family for what? to screw the OM under your nose without any interference from you. She don't want you in between her and her OM, but you persuaded her for Repair then she realized her back up plan is still open to her. So she disrespected you and treated you like a trash else she wouldn't have told you she will end it when she want it,
Now she is gone, why you want to peruse her and show yourself to her as a Cuckold who will tolerate anything to be with her? why should she respect a person who don't have any self respect?
you already lost her to OM, let she enjoy her life while you move on with your life, Let her go........
Issue her with D papers, don't allow her to define your life.
Your only hope for attaining any self respect is to go on the attack. Out her and him. Cut off finances. See a lawyer and get started on the divorce.
I can tell you that in my first marriage to a serially cheating wife, my biggest source of shame was how I allowed myself to be treated.
In my second marriage, when my wife started cheating, I cut off the $$, exposed her, exposed the OM and divorced her immediately. I feel much better about how I handled the whole ordeal. I did not allow myself to be mistreated.
You should call the gym and talk to the boss. Tell him his training is doing your wife and that you are going to post as many public reviews of the gym warning people about it as you can.
Yelp being the first and you'll go from there.
As for R? I don't see how that is at possible. You took her to Paris, and just a month later she is hooking up with him. Not only don't I see R being possible after what she chose to do, I think you should sue her for the cost to the Paris trip in the divorce.
She knows what she is choosing and she knows that she is a cheater, she don't care how much it hurts or humiliates you.
This is a tough situation because of the low status and youth of the OM. Of course, both work in your favor.
While I don't agree that it was 100% that your wife initiated it - a high sex-drive 29 year old personal trainer is perfectly capable of working his pick-up skills on older women to rack up scores in the hundreds - your wife was vulnerable to his lines.
Her lack of judgment is astounding. I agree with all who say a cut off is necessary to snap her out of her fornication festival with Mr. Six Pack Abs.
Dude, just have her served with divorce papers. That should be enough to slap some reality her way. Maybe enough to shake some of that fog away. Having life and the consquences of her actions crashing down around her.
I mean, really? Do you honestly think that some dude that's half her age is gonna stick around for the long haul? Seriously doubt it.
And what about this guy? What do you know about him? Does he have a girlfriend or a wife? What about his parents? I'm sure mom would LOVE to hear that the son she raised is sleeping with a married woman and breaking up a marriage and destroying a family.
I know your hurting brother, but can you make this any easier for her?
You haven't exposed the A. You haven't stopped joint accounts,cell, gym memeberships, trainer cost. You haven't had her served D papers.
She knows its bad but has she had to face any real consequences?
She hasn't even suffered any emotional consequences from you as you continue to engage her.
Stop being an enabler and maybe the addict will turn a corner. Hell have an intervention with all your friends and family and have it at the gym. Seriously you need to put the screws to her...get her pissed off
You are *NOT* making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable, so A continues.
I hate to be redundant, but she is the ultimate cake eater. You are behaving like the ultimate enabler. She has no motive to change her situation. You need to respect yourself; it's obvious that she doesn't. Time to knock her off the fence. Serve divorce papers and be prepared to follow through if she doesn't see the light.
Copdoc, not to pile on, but you are seeing some seriously astute advice here. When all is said and done, your marriage means nothing if you don't have your dignity and self-respect. You're being hit over the head here, but the point is that in life, our self-respect is really all we have to count on. You can have all the friends, family, vacations, money, appearances and distinctions among your community...but if you don't stand up for yourself and respect yourself you have nothing.
So I'm sorry the trend of advice you're seeing seems along the lines of "giving up" on your marriage and filing for divorce, but right now it's the only way to not give up on yourself. That's what most of us have realized after going through something as painful, confusing and gut wrenching as having our "love" cheat and lie to us. You'll come out on top, but it's time to be Danny Ocean. Do for you. It's not selfish, it's the golden rule...looked at from the other side. The rest will come. Posted via Mobile Device