I finally got up the courage to post my situation and ask for some advice from my fellow sufferers. I will try to be brief!
This is my second marriage. Last Wednesday would have been our 9th anniversary. We went on a very belated "honeymoon" in August (great, romantic trip). End of November my wife confessed her P.A. to her 29 year old personal trainer! (I wiil be 47; she just turned 42). It apparently started in September (when she first met him and started training with him). She moved out (NOT with him) end of January. One of her sons (we each have 2 kids from prior marriages) lives with her; her oldest stayed with me as well as my 2.
Up until the end of March she seemed willing to reconcile. She broke it off several times but would return At the end of March she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later told me she just couldn't let him go! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either!
Since then I have repeatedly tried to apply the 180 but fail every time I see her (she still helps me with our youngest). Today I asked her again why she doesn't want a divorce and she says she's not sure it's what she wants. She tells me she still considers reconciling but is afraid to go back to the way things were, is afraid I'll throw the affair in her face when we argue, and is not sure how we could get past the affair.
Part of me wants to file for D just to end it (even though I am still madly in love with her and want her to end this affair and reconcile). Our marital counselor feels this is a mid-life crisis and feels the only way I can possibly win her back is to do the 180.
My gut tells me she is still addicted to him and that she realizes this affair has no long-term future but she just keeps telling me "I have to want it" [reconcile and end the affair]. I know I can't persuade her, but I find it difficult to let her go.
What should I do? I feel ashamed for being so weak and unable to stick to the 180.
First, sorry for your pain. Your wife is an abusive a-hole.
Now, you are right. You are being a total wimp.
So, just stop being a doormat/wimp and start the divorce. Have no contact with her and expose her affair.
Then, maybe, just maybe, she will come around. Then you have to decide if she is worth it(probably not. IMO).
But, you really do need to stop acting like a baby.
Again, I know you are in pain. Not trying to be a **** here. Just trying to wake you the **** up.
I figured that would be the advice
My gut tells me to do that but my heart tells me to try the 180 (if I can stick to it!). I take it you don't think the 180 will work in this case?
The 180 and instituting divorce go hand in hand. Thye are not mutually exclusive.
Every reconciliations story I have read starts with the betrayed standing up to the abuse and kicking the WS to the curb.
Counter intuitive, eh? No one ever "niced" his wife back.Sad as it is, you cannot expect your cheater wife to act as a normal, empathetic, honest person. You have to force her to act like a decent human being by imposing consequences.
And, the fact that a BS has to resort to this is one of the reasons many decide to divorce even if the cheater does wake up. These betrayed folks have no desire to be with somone who has to be forced via consequences to act honorably.
Go to IC. You may have some co-dependency issues that may be causing you not to let go.
The 180 is not a manipulation tool to get her to end her affair and commit to marital recovery. It is an emotional empowerment tool to emotionally detach from her and to get you to the point where you will be emotionally strong enough to move on with your life, with or without her.
29yr old is stringing her along getting free booty. She's stringing you along waiting until 29yr old moves on (NO WAY IN hell he's gonna want to stay with an old lady, unless she's paying for all his crap).
Cut her loose and run. If she crawls back then you can decide if you want damaged goods that's only coming back to you because you can afford her financial stability.
Only way to get her out of the fog is to move on with your life without her, so file away.
dont let her decide for you,decide for yourself!serve her the papers for divorce and tell her that she cannot decide for you life!i feel that youre a good man!you deserve!!! Posted via Mobile Device
Well, what are the chances this 29 year old man is going to marry your wife and become a stepfather to her kid(s). I'd say they are pretty close to zero.
But he will take all the sex he can get with no strings attached.
She is loving the attention. She's 42. She's got a guy a whole lot younger than her to tell her she is hot and sexy. She is digging that. She knows she should end it with him, she knows it's going nowhere, but boy she just can't stop the fantasy. It is waaaay too much fun.
Your own COUNSELOR recommends the 180. You do the 180 NOT to get your spouse back. You do the 180 to prep for life on your own. You needed to be doing some version of the 180 (living the best life) a long time ago. It is what will give you self-confidence to face your future whatever that may be.
BTW, I don't believe in mid-life crises. I think they are entirely made up and have become part of popular culture. I think that people use them to justify their selfish choices and behavior. Boy, wouldn't everyone just like to wake up one day and walk away from all their responsibilities and leave other people to clean up the mess. That is one area where I disagree with your counselor.
The truth is, she was unhappy in her marriage. Maybe you did contribute to the vulnerability of the marriage in some way. But WSs are grownups, and grownups communicate their needs to others. If they aren't getting those COMMUNICATED needs met, then they request marriage counseling. They DON'T jump the bones of the cute guy who tells them whatever they want to hear just to sleep with them.
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Questions for you:
What do her parents think about this? How about any other people she respects--do they know she essentially left you for sex with her trainer? Or have you been too embarrassed--and protective of her on the theory that she'd reconcile--to tell anyone?
I finally got up the courage to post my situation and ask for some advice from my fellow sufferers. I will try to be brief!
This is my second marriage. Last Wednesday would have been our 9th anniversary. We went on a very belated "honeymoon" in August (great, romantic trip). End of November my wife confessed her P.A. to her 29 year old personal trainer! (I wiil be 47; she just turned 42). It apparently started in September (when she first met him and started training with him). She moved out (NOT with him) end of January. One of her sons (we each have 2 kids from prior marriages) lives with her; her oldest stayed with me as well as my 2.
Up until the end of March she seemed willing to reconcile. She broke it off several times but would return At the end of March she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later told me she just couldn't let him go! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either!
Since then I have repeatedly tried to apply the 180 but fail every time I see her (she still helps me with our youngest). Today I asked her again why she doesn't want a divorce and she says she's not sure it's what she wants. She tells me she still considers reconciling but is afraid to go back to the way things were, is afraid I'll throw the affair in her face when we argue, and is not sure how we could get past the affair.
Part of me wants to file for D just to end it (even though I am still madly in love with her and want her to end this affair and reconcile). Our marital counselor feels this is a mid-life crisis and feels the only way I can possibly win her back is to do the 180.
My gut tells me she is still addicted to him and that she realizes this affair has no long-term future but she just keeps telling me "I have to want it" [reconcile and end the affair]. I know I can't persuade her, but I find it difficult to let her go.
What should I do? I feel ashamed for being so weak and unable to stick to the 180.
Read your POST again. Why would the 180 work. She has the best of both worlds -- you and the kids as a family -- and her young trainer to have sex. She has no respect for you or the kids -- and knows that she can keep doing this until she decides. I know it is hard -- but you need to take control of you life, marriage (or lack of) and the kids. Filing for divorce may wake her up -- but who knows. Divorce is not easy -- but you have to draw the line in the sand and mean it. Stay strong !!! I am sure she wouldn't put up with the situation if you had a female trainer on the side.
The way you're handling it now allows her to do whatever she wants at her own leisure.Maybe you can shake her back into the real world by filing for divorce.You definitely shouldn't be asking her what she wants to do at this point because she's still in the affair.You need to take control of the situation,out her affair,give her an either/or ultimatum and stand firm on it.Sorry for your circumstances and wish you the best in your struggle.Take care.
Having said that, you need to ask her for your balls back next time you see her. She does not respect you or her children. She's having fun with her boytoy and could not care less about anything but sex with him.
Honestly, I don't know how you're gonna get past this. If you don't respect yourself, who will? She clearly does not. What kind of example are you setting for the kids?
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Can my marriage still be saved?! 
At the end of March she told me she knew it was an addiction and a fantasy and was ready to call it off for good. She ended it one night, but 8 days later told me she just couldn't let him go! She told me she didn't want to work on our marriage "right now". I offered divorce but she said she wasn't sure that's what she wanted either! 
