03-23-2009, 07:40 AM
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Hazzard County, NC
| | Re: Am I blind, ignorant, or over-reacting??
The first thing to remember here is that she has been hurt extremely badly. I can tell you now that the day of discovery (or the day she found out about the affair) was not the day that the worst of the emotions come out.
Once a spouse has been cheated on, they have feelings of self-worthlessness and inadequacy among many others. They are extremely confused. After all... this was the LAST thing the spouse expected.
You are going to see a great deal of emotional shape-shifting for quite some time. Remember, you didn't break a glass here, you broke a marriage, and it will take TIME to fix it. She will probably not be over it for a long time to come (if ever).
If you want to keep her, you will have to let her approach you on her terms. You can't push her into forgiving. You cannot speed the process along. In doing so, you are only being more destructive.
What YOU have to do is two fold... First of all, you have to be TRULY sorry for what you have done. I mean, deep in your core, you have to understand that this is the absolute worst thing you could have done to your spouse. (I told my wife to just shoot me dead before doing that to me again).
Secondly, you have to show her that you are feeling remorseful for what has happened. No, don't follow her around begging her to love you... Just be there, make yourself transparent to her so that she can see everything you might be doing and show her that you are truly sorry.
No, she isn't gonna trust you again for a long time... Maybe never again. You may begin to see "resentment" surface in her emotional repertoire. As time passes, feelings change. There will be a "How dare you" anger period. She will probably blow up at you and call you every name in the book. Don't get angry about it. She has to voice her feelings. She has to heal in her time and in her way.
In the end... Just be patient. Don't push things along. Let nature take it's course.