For BS...does the "I love you" statement bother you the most?

highwood · 05-15-2012, 02:37 PM

What I mean, is for those of you betrayed spouses, if your spouse said I love you to someone else does that bother you the most?

H said it in one email I saw to the OW...he said it didn't mean anything because it was online and he was just going with it..it was easier to type this crap out..he got caught up in the flirting, etc. Of course he claimed that she was the one that started everything...

Everyime, though, I think about it..it kind of tears me up inside. That is the one thing I haven't told those that know about our situation because I am scared of their reaction. Maybe thinking it was more serious than what it was..I don't know.

survivorwife · 05-15-2012, 02:45 PM

On the one hand, saying "I love you" via email to another women is just empty words. How can he possibly REALLY love this OW if his involvement is words only. Anyone can type words into a computer, on an email, and press "send". It doesn't make it so.

However, if this relationship has gone beyond the typed words; to voice and visits, AND email, THEN you might have something to worry about. If this relationship has lasted for YEARS, then you might have something to worry about.

So no. For me, those "words" don't put in a dent in the total betrayal of my spouse. If it was only "words", we would probably still be together.

river rat · 05-15-2012, 02:49 PM

You know, if I thought my wife actually loved someone else, it would make the marriage impossible to continue. That's about the most painful thing I can imagine in a marriage. For that reason, I never asked that specific question.

Hope1964 · 05-15-2012, 02:53 PM

You know, I don't know if he ever said it. If he did, it was to a fake person, not that that would make a difference. At this point, I don't think it would really matter. His brain on cheating was warped, and since it isn't warped now, if he did say it then, it holds no meaning now.

highwood · 05-15-2012, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by survivorwife

On the one hand, saying "I love you" via email to another women is just empty words. How can he possibly REALLY love this OW if his involvement is words only. Anyone can type words into a computer, on an email, and press "send". It doesn't make it so.

However, if this relationship has gone beyond the typed words; to voice and visits, AND email, THEN you might have something to worry about. If this relationship has lasted for YEARS, then you might have something to worry about.

So no. For me, those "words" don't put in a dent in the total betrayal of my spouse. If it was only "words", we would probably still be together.

No nothing physical happened...she lives across the ocean. They met while he was working overseas...when she noticed he was from Canada..she came at him hard.

They continued to email for the last 7 months or so after he left her country.

H was on antidepressants for a couple of years which he has since been weaned off since winter...these pills have left him void of any romantic feelings/no libido, etc. so while it is hard for me as well it also consoles me that he had no real romantic feeling for her...he was just flattered by her attention, ego boosting, etc. He is a nice person and I think she sensed that and wanted a better life over here so she came at him with everythng she had. Not excusing him and his actions though...

He said he was flattered but due to the numbness from the pills he never had any romantic/sexual desire for her.

TBT · 05-15-2012, 03:02 PM

I don't know if she said it and I didn't much care at the time.All I knew was that she didn't love me.

calvin · 05-15-2012, 03:04 PM

That w: the worst part of my WW EA,she said it to him 15-20 times in text,phone and a Couple times in person,it haunts the sh!t out of me
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Gabriel · 05-15-2012, 03:16 PM

To me, it's just words of the moment. The worst part, by far, is knowing how they actually FELT.

highwood · 05-15-2012, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krichali

I'm not sure it bothers me the MOST. It bothers me, for sure. But I'm also bothered by him telling her she was pretty. He doesn't say that to me. (Well, ok, I'm not pretty! But a H ought to say that to his W anyhow, right? And she was no beauty queen herself.) I think I'll have to agree with Gabriel, the words are just part of the overall pain.

Yes, that's another thing..in just about every email I saw H would say to her "Hi beautiful"...he hasn't said that to me for years...so yes that pisses me off too! Sometimes it is hard to get those words out of my mind.

Maricha75 · 05-15-2012, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by highwood

Yes, that's another thing..in just about every email I saw H would say to her "Hi beautiful"...he hasn't said that to me for years...so yes that pisses me off too! Sometimes it is hard to get those words out of my mind.

In the texts I saw, he said "your beautiful. if that idiot (her bf) can't see it, he's stupid." and he asked her, after we had agreed to work things out between us "you don't like when I call you sexy?"...of course she did! and said so too! But, I was the same way with my EA, so I am torn there. I feel like throwing up when I think of it, but then I feel the guilt that I did the same thing. He never said "I love you" to her, as far as I know. But he couldn't remember when he last called ME beautiful, or sexy. Ok, need to shut up before I lose it again...

sunshinetoday · 05-15-2012, 03:57 PM

Remember, a WS will say ALOT of things to keep getting the ego stroking, adoration, and or SEX from their AP. If he truly loved her, I don't think he would have chosen to stay with you. He LOVED the attn, not the AP.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums

Maricha75 · 05-15-2012, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunshinetoday

Remember, a WS will say ALOT of things to keep getting the ego stroking, adoration, and or SEX from their AP. If he truly loved her, I don't think he would have chosen to stay with you. He LOVED the attn, not the AP.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums

Good point. He did say our 12 year marriage was much more important than a 4 year friendship (which the AP tried throwing at him.). And those words were directed at me after I pointed it out...and he still says it.

iheartlife · 05-15-2012, 04:17 PM

If I can get past this kind of stuff (each paragraph is an email from 3 years ago from my H to his AP) you can overcome a simple "I love you":

Quote:

You are too good. Please, tell me your needs, your feelings. Better to be open. And lover, you're never a "burden" or whatever to me. Seriously, every minute with you is amazing. I will always seek to understand -- and hopefully the two of us don't have to try too hard to be attuned to each other.
[her nickname for him] for the rest of my life.

[AP], Hi! Doing this from my bb...

. While the kids fall asleep.
We're both so funny. Feel the same way about ourselves and each other, to an extent. Every time with u, I'm at peace -- and in awe. Can't believe you love me....
[her nickname for him] always

[AP], u r an amazing woman. For the rest of my days, I will adore you. There's plenty in life to worry about, but don't worry, or wonder, about me. How I see you is unshakable, unchanging. All I want, is to experience life with you, be with you, and, God, make you happy. Anywho... 'nite, best friend, soulmate, stunningly beautiful woman.

ALWAYS. Never doubt. Thinking about you all day... It's hard, but hard only 'cause love you. Thank you, [his nickname for her]. You are so good to me... Hope I am to you...

I have a list as long as my arm of the stuff I know about her that he never found out. He never asked. He called her his soulmate, but she WASN'T his soulmate. He said that he LOVED her, but it was infatuation. He was too busy b*tching about me to be bothered to actually get to know her.

He was able (by keeping it secret) to go through the whole arc of the affair. From crazy "in love" to "warm fuzzies." Right after DD#2, he told me that the one thing he remembered after DD#1 was when I explained to him that their relationship did not exist in the real world. They never had any conflict, because they never spent any significant time together. She never criticized him, and he only validated her.

What WAS real was the emptiness he had that he filled by talking to her. What was also real was how painfully far I had pushed him away until he felt this was his only recourse. That does not mean that I feel responsible for his choice. But I was more than responsible for the vulnerable state of our marriage.

And that is something I think about from time to time. If the BS has stuff that they need to be forgiven for, it makes it easier to forgive the WS for their stupid choice. But then, a cheater who betrays a spouse who did nothing more than fail to be a mindreader has much more serious issues than my husband ever did--all these things he said to his AP notwithstanding.

canttrustu · 05-15-2012, 04:19 PM

Saying it not as much as showing it to her through acts and deeds. He sacrificed me for her...his words dont mean much but his actions scream.

-But THAT wasnt TRUE love. You have to actually know that person to love them....He knew what she wanted him to know, nothing more. So keep in mind, those are just words said by a somewhat 'insane'(in the fog) person at the time.

Ask him something as simple as her parents names, siblings names, her biggest fear, her biggest accomplishements....He doesnt know. Ask him what she compliments HIM on- NOW YOURE SPEAKING HIS LANGUAGE.

rrrbbbttt · 05-15-2012, 07:27 PM

The words "I love you" along with the physical action is a tremendous weight for the BS to bear. It makes the physical action more emotional and the statement steals from the BS the last shread of any thing that is sacred between the two.

Just my take.