Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-15-2012, 07:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

My Husband and I seperated last August and he moved back in new years. We have been struggling with finding a place to live. We have the worst credit ever and are losing our house. There is no way around it. Losing it from the results of our almost divorce and the fact that we were already dealing with bankrupcy. We have not files yet, so it will still be a while before bankrupcy is discharged. We have been told even having our bankrupcy discharged won't help us. There is no work in this state in my husbands field and he has to travel in another state. It's looking like me and the kids will be left behind. He feels the only option I'd for me and the kids to live with his parents. His mom is a bit crazy though, I can't stand her. Recently she told me because I'm under so much stress and I can't figure things out that my 11 year old daughter will get pregnant because she will be unable to talk to me.

My marriage has infedilty between both of us. I feel if we could just start our new life some of that could be on the way to healing.

The way I'm feeling, I'd rather live in a small motel than with his parents who view us as failures
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Old 05-15-2012, 10:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

You would do better if you wait to make life altering decisions once your feelings become stable. Decisions made while being depressed usually come back to bite us in the a$$
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

It does sound like you're in a bad place, which isn't the best place to be making big decisions right now. One of the best things might be for you and your husband to ask his parents to tone it down a bit on the judgments they pass your way. If they do, then things have got better and you'll be a little happier. If not, then you and hubbie need to have a frank talk about what the next step is in your living arrangements. But give your in-laws an opportunity to help you and you just might be surprised how it turns out. It's amazing how family can be helpful sometimes.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

I believe you should prioritize and work on things a step at a time. What is most troubling right now....the living arrangements, the bankruptcy, or the infidelity and rebuilding the marriage???

Take some time to reflect, and work on it a step at a time.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

The biggest thing that is troubling is the living arrangements since again I'll have to say good bye to my husband. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do to keep busy during the summer. In not going to sit in a basement bored while his mom gives my kids everything I don't want them to have. I'm very into feeding my kids healthy and they don't feed them healthy. My MIL likes to take things over without asking and I don't want to sit back while she tries to raise our kids.

It also feels in this stressful time that my husband often mentions about our seperation which then makes me relive and requesting his affair which was during a time I was trying to reach out to him.
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

Where is your husband going to stay when he is working out of state? Is moving with him to that state an option for you?

The overbearing and controlling In-Laws is a big deal, and will make it much more difficult for you to move forward in a positive direction.

If you are forced to stay with the in-laws you must work extra hard to establish healthy boundaries. It is imperative that you explain to MIL that her behavior toward you and your children is placing extra stress on you during an already stressful time, and that MIL needs to make a significant effort to respect you as an individual and a mother.

Provide MIL with a list of meals that you deem appropriate, as well as a list of food you do not want your kids to eat.

Look into some type of summer activity program for your kids, there are sometimes state sponsored services of that nature for low income families. While your kids are attending these programs, try and find a part time job. Worst case scenario, you become a waitress or a secretary part time somewhere, and if all else fails, you may volunteer your time at the local library. That will get you and your kids out of the house and away from MIL for at least a part of every day. It may be a good way to network and eventually find a good job for yourself.
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

My Husband is going to be staying on a month to month furnished studio type place. There is no option for me and the kids to come with my husband. We have tried everything, but no one will rent to us because of foreclosure. There is a chance that we might be able to move to a house all together in late August that does not check credit. For the time being, once we are settled at his parents snd he's back to work in the other state, he plans to save money. He will be making plenty of money where he's going to be working. I thought about getting a job, but with not working since 2003 snd having kids with special needs; I know I'd be looked over. So I've decided to keep myself busy with the kids for the summer. I'm involved with an autism group and have a few local friends in the group. I plan to hang out with them and all our kids at the zoo and local parks. I also have other friends I plan to hopefully be able to hang out with. I've already reached out to many of them to let them know where I'll be for at least the summer.

My husband has managed to make me a little more comfortable with living with his parents. I still don't like it, but there's nothing flaw I csn do. My Husbsnd said he's going to fix the bathroo
That's down in the basement for me and he's going to put the kids beds in the basement for me. I was really afraid that it would be like the kids are spending the whole summer with his parents and I'm just there. My Husband is also bringing our fridge snd putting it in the laundry room for me snd the kids stuff.

I plan to eliminate the unhealthy food the kids are used to eating at his parents house. My kids will not be carrying around unhealthy cereal all day or be eating chocolate chip waffles for breakfast.

My kids love to go to the zoo, so I'm getting a membership snd going often.

My son needs a surgery to get his tonsils out so he will get that that this summer too. I'm hoping to have it on the schedule soon. So he can hopefully stop getting sick with infections so often.
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

We are also filing our bankrupcy as soon as my Husband is working, he's got to be working first because he needs to clear security clearances, bankrupcy will take 4 months to get discharged
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

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Originally Posted by blueskies30 View Post
We are also filing our bankrupcy as soon as my Husband is working, he's got to be working first because he needs to clear security clearances, bankrupcy will take 4 months to get discharged
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Will his job do periodic credit checks to maintain security clearance? The actual bankruptcy will stay on your credit report for 10 years, but your credit score can improve greatly even within that 10 years. He would just need to be very careful if he considers changing jobs within the next 10 years if his line of work always requires the same type of security clearance.
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like my marriage won't be able to survive

blueskies~

Why don't you look for a place in the city/town where your hubby will be working? I know a lot of apartments that are complexes or managed by a firm will do a credit check, but there are ways around that:

1) Look in Craigslist or the paper, and look for one that's not "So-and-so real estate agency" but rather, sounds like it might be an individual doing the renting.
2) Get a recommendation from someone who knows you pay on time but just ran into tough times...someone like a boss or a pastor or even someone you paid over time (like a banker or your car loan folks).
3) Pay a higher security fee in exchange for no credit check. Just explain to the owners you were "young and dumb" and learned from your mistake, and that you'd be willing to pay (whatever...2 months' security) as a gesture of good will.
4) Have a co-signer
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