nomoregames

Hello and let me say that I'm extremely thankful to have found this site. My Wife is a receptionist for a company in town and back in November we had stopped communicating since she would close up and not express herself, thoughts, or feelings. We had to move in with her Parents in October due to me being laid off and her already being laid off, but both have jobs now thankfully. I would continue to try and find out what the matter was and she would always shut down.
Well back in February we had a long talk 1 1/2 hours and she broke down and started crying saying how she was a bad person. I finally got it out of her that she had the "hots" as she put it for the Fedex delivery guy that she sees every day. She stated that she felt that she was not a priority in my life and felt unappreciated. I had thought there was something there as the guy had previously asked her to go out with him and catch a movie and she turned him down. Needless to say I was very upset but kept my composure as she begged me to forgive her and was crying out of control. I explained that I needed time to think and that I didn't know what to think at that point. The next day after I boiled a bit I ended up calling his employer and informed her of this when I arrived home and she was FURIOUS because this somehow would put her job in jeopardy. She demanded that I call and cancel the complaint because if he lost his job and she lost hers she would be even more angry. I was stupid and did just that, I called and canceled the complaint out of fear that she would lose her job and her boss would find out about everything.
This started a whole new line of events, we talked and she didn't know if she could picture her life without me. I told her how much she meant to me and told her that what I did was out of line but is insignificant compared to what she had done. I called her the next morning to inform her that the complaint had been dropped and she didn't feel any better until HE told her that it had been dropped. We spoke and took a mini-vacation which seemed to help a lot but I still felt something was wrong and had started showing her more affection like she had wanted and we grew closer. She became extremely protective over her phone to the point of putting it in her pocket or grabbing it from me if I picked it up and she had put a password on it. I ended up finding out her password and I checked her phone texts one night while she was sleeping and was a series of texts stating that he would "rock her to sleep" in which she replied "love it" and told her "good night beautiful" and she replied "good night ". I woke her up and she again apologized for everything happening and cried yet again. I told her that she needs to stop all contact with him or I will be filing for divorce.
She understood and we have grown closer to this date, almost back to how we were when we first were married. We enjoy each other's company, email, and text each other several times each day. I truly feel that we are bonding again and she will periodically say that she's sorry for everything and ask if I trust her. I tell her that I'm starting to but it will take a while to gain my full trust again. She still has a password on her phone, and has shared the password with me.
My only remaining concern where I need advice is that she and I have yet to still have makeup sex. It has been since November or December and we are only in our late 20's. She always says that she's either tired, or her back hurts (which is true because of a compressed vertebra). When I ask her to talk with me about the reason she doesn't want to have sex she claims she's sexually attracted to me and gets "horny" sometimes and I ask her why she doesn't act and initiate in which she replies that she doesn't know. She claims the reason is because of everything we've been through in the last several months she has just had no interest in sex at all. I have tried to initiate before and she said before she wanted me to "just take it and be aggressive". I have tried that and the 1 time we did make love she claimed that I was too large "Not trying to be perverted, I'm sorry" and we stopped even though we still finished each other off. If I try to take it now she says to just be romantic, if I try to be romantic she's just too stressed, or tired, her back hurts, or there's just still too much that has happened in the past few months and I need to give her time. I'm just wondering what I should do in this matter or if there is still a good chance even though we are bonding and having a sense of closeness that has not been there in a long time I should still be worried about this guy?

I'm sorry for the long post and thank you for the input/help in this matter.

strugglinghusband

read this 1st

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

nomoregames

Reading it now, thank you.

lamaga

Forget the FedEx guy, if you haven't had sex since November or December, you have huger problems to deal with.

nomoregames

That's what I'm hear to get insight on. She only goes over to her Aunt's house every Sunday for movie night which I have driven past the house on several random occasions and verified that she was there. She says she's just not ready to be intimate at this point but we are bonding and getting back to being a closer couple. She used to want to make love all the time before we had to move back in with her parents but now she won't even intimately touch or intimately kiss me even though we are bonding and are again close.

lamaga

Nomoregames, exactly.

It is very easy to jump to the conclusion that she's having an affair, and there are plenty of people here who will encourage you in that.

The harder route is to accept that your wife is not happy with you, or with your sex life. So, if you accept that, what do you do? Well, you need to communicate with her, and probably enlist the advice of a marriage counselor. Women shut down sexually very easily if there are relationship problems -- something is going on, and you need to find out what it is. Listen to her, and get some counseling. And quit worrying about the FedEx guy

Toffer

Does the FedEx guy still deliver at her work? If so, call FedEx and get his azz re-assigned - This is a red flag

Do the amount of texts on her phone match waht you see on the monthly bill? - Possible that she's deleting what she doesn't want you to see?

NO SEX???!! - Big Red Flag. She may be saving herself for her other Man!

Time to start investigating quietly. Get a key logger on your PC NOW! Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat with heavy duty velcro

Get copies of cell phone records and lot for alot of texts/calls to a number(s) that you don't recognize!

lamaga

Toffer, stop. You really think that calling FedEx is a good idea? They will not reassign this guy on the word on one person, and he will look like an idiot. Trust me...I used to get these calls, and we were very courteous, and then we laughed, and nothing happened.

No sex is indeed a red flag. It's a red flag that the relationship is in trouble. Assuming that it's due to another man is a really good way to escape responsibility.

nomoregames

I've sat her down and spoke with her regarding what the cause is regarding her not wanting to be intimate and she says that it's because of everything that we've been through but the sex will come later. She's going about this like we are dating and she's not yet ready again.

I didn't know that you can actually call and get someone that works for Fedex reassigned. We actually have separate phone bills and have never combined those together since we've been married. Exactly, but she's never out to have opportunities to meet with this guy. Also he lives almost 1 hours away. Can you recommend a good keylogger that is undetectable?

Thank you all again for the help.

nomoregames

She says that it's not me "typical I know" with the lack of sex but that she just needs time. You shouldn't need time when you're married I thought.

jh52

I think you two need to get a place of your own. Nothing like killing the sex by moving in with your (her) parents. I know you needed to do this -- but you both have jobs now and need to move.

lamaga

No, nomoregames, you are correct...needing time is a copout. She is clearly not interested in you sexually -- not right now. Whether this is temporary or permanent is not relevant...you guys need to talk, and yes, this is a huge red flag. Sorry. Wish I could tell you that this is normal, but it ain't.

nomoregames

I'm thankful to hear the truth from someone rather than support the copout, that's why I came here. I'd rather be hit with what's happening than ignoring the obvious. I am looking for houses and she has no interest in moving out right now. She wants to stay with her Parents until late fall which is coincidentally when she will be able to take over her car payment. She's got some nasty debt and I have agreed to pay her car for her until August. I feel that we are back to building a great relationship but can't help and wonder if she's only keeping me around to pay for her car and doesn't want to move out with me right now to only have to move back in with her parents in the fall again and saving herself for him while putting on a nice front to me to make it seem like we are all okay.

nomoregames

As a side note we've only had sex MAYBE 6 times in the last year and that might be stretching it a bit. I'm thinking more like 4 times.

lamaga

Yeah, no house right now, and don't sign any more financial documents. I'm glad that you are on your way back to a good relationship, but there are a few red flags here ... very likely just a misunderstanding, but better safe than sorry. And I do wish you well.