Sounds like you're giving up and letting her have her way. You say that she became cold, well so did my ex. And the reason that she became cold is because she was in the throes of an affair.
How does someone go from being so tender and loving to being an ice princess? From my experience, and so many other posters on this site, it is usually because you have been replaced by the affair partner. She might have been having an EA with this guy and it went PA after you moved out. I don't know. All I know is that you shouldn't go down without a fight.
Sounds like you're giving up and letting her have her way. You say that she became cold, well so did my ex. And the reason that she became cold is because she was in the throes of an affair.
How does someone go from being so tender and loving to being an ice princess? From my experience, and so many other posters on this site, it is usually because you have been replaced by the affair partner. She might have been having an EA with this guy and it went PA after you moved out. I don't know. All I know is that you shouldn't go down without a fight.
Don't you think your family is worth it?
I don't know how to respond to that. Do I want her back, after she did all this ****? Would I ever trust her again? Could I ever be happy? Wouldn't this all happen again the next time we had a fight? Would I ever feel like she truly loved and respected me after so easily throwing me away?
Before this week we could have worked it out. I know now she didn't want to, but we could have. Now? She's moved on, and now it's about the kids. It cuts me like a knife though, the betrayal, the lie, and how easy I was to replace with someone at least superficially better than me. I wish I could undo the mistakes and have us be together and happy, but I can't ever see that happening. As for her getting her way, I hate that she gets to be happy while I'm miserable, and that she gets away with introducing this element into my kids' lives, but there's only so much I can do, right? I'll tell the mediator, and talk to the therapist, and if I need my own lawyer I'll get one. Hopefully a free one.
Where can I find some of the articles mentioned? The 180 and No More Mr. Nice Guy?
You can't make someone treat you well or love you.
If they don't they don't and you wouldn't want someone you "earned" back in the long run. You'll just be waiting for the hammer to drop some day in the future.
Learn from the experience. Make sure your kids are taken care of and move on. Don't give her the satisfaction of being "all mad" about her new sex partner. Just kill your previous "agreement" and protect yourself. If she asks why you're now being cold and selfish simply say, You know why. Never say a word more. She's a grown woman who can do whatever she likes. You do the same. Hurts to hear I know but in the long run you'll thank me after some super hottie is all WANTING to be with you and you're living the dream...
Happened to me. Just sayin. And thats after 16 years of marriage, 1 year of changing - cause I was the "bad guy" right. Finally gave up and started a new life.
I love it. And finally for the first time in a long time...I love me.
I want what you've got, even if it seems impossible. But I can say that I feel better now than I did earlier today. It'll be hard again the next time she's planning to see him. Probably the next time I have the kids overnight, it'll be more daggers. But I'll keep coming back here, and lord help me I hope it gets better one day.
You know what ?? I like your last post. you are finally starting to sound a lil angry at her treatment. Screw the waiting and suffering now. tell her you know all, especially the sex with the kids in the house. Tell her you never thought she could do something so ****ty. That way you are showing her you have taken her off her pedestal. And let me share this. " As long as you ae crying over her, she has control over you". But even now seeing what type she really is you still try to defend her. PPL CHANGE !! Hasn't she ?? Ask her how many men will be coming thru her bedroom dissrespecting your kids. How many uncle will they have had by the time they are in HS. You say you don't think you would take her back now. Then give her a## both barrels, and tell her she is just like all the other cheating sk**ks with a hot c**t going into middle age. Tell her you wish you never met and married her knowing what you know now. You don't have to mean it, but it will take her down a peg even if she don't show it. And that will bring her some pain. Also, now is not the time to be worrying about women in the future. You have to get thru this now. You don't want to go into a Relationship until you are a different person from who you are now. And when you tell her these things, do it coldly, showing nothing. So pull up yourr bootscraps an walk like a man. You can do it Bro. "What don't kill us makes us stronger". Ask the Vets here, you will come out the other side a better man. A stronger man.
No problem. And kill the email. Don't torture yourself. You know she is sleeping with someone else there is no point for further monitoring. It will just kill you. It's over if you can be man enough to say its over. Trust me when I say there are so many great women out there...few crazies too but hell they can make for a great story later!
For the record I cried like a biyach for 10 months straight and tried 3-4 medications until I finally got the strength to give up on it and try life out again. Once I saw what was out there...around month 12-13 it's been no looking back.
It will happen for you too once you get further down through the process. Promise.
OK... outside of this issue with the relationship she is having during your separation, do you support the issue of attachment parenting? I'm not asking whether you convinced yourself it's ok or if your wife is well-intentioned. I'm asking if you have been and are now still ok with it.
OK... outside of this issue with the relationship she is having during your separation, do you support the issue of attachment parenting? I'm not asking whether you convinced yourself it's ok or if your wife is well-intentioned. I'm asking if you have been and are now still ok with it.
I agreed to attachment parenting, and we're both really devoted to our kids (for now I'll describe our parenting without the context of what's happened to our relationship). I started to get uncomfortable as my daughter turned 4 and 5, thinking that she could easily be weaned and she was just stubbornly holding on to something that was nice for her. When my son came home from the hospital it was hard to balance the needs of both kids, but my spouse did and they took the longer path.
I can say that my kids seem to be very confident, very social, with very nice dispositions and are very affectionate to each other, to us, to their friends. They've been given the chance to take each stage in their life at their own pace, never had to go to daycare, weren't pushed into toilet training before they wanted to. I don't know if they would or wouldn't be the same great kids if we had pushed them a little bit, made them face challenges earlier, etc.
I think it's a choice couples have to make for themselves. But if you're attachment parenting it's critical that you make an extra effort with each other. Attachment parenting is a long, hard commitment. It's definitely the harder choice. And it takes a strong and healthy couple to make the sacrifices of time, effort and intimacy that you have to do.
I'm fine with attachment parenting, it's great for the kids. But the kids took up 100% of my wife's time and energy and interest, and she had little or none left for me.
A good example of the type of person my wife is (or was) came from our first MC session. The MC drew on a white board:
A B C and D, all spaced out.
A = You
B = Your spouse
C = Your children
D = Family and everyone else
She drew a circle around A, you have to take care of yourself first, to be the best person you can be.
She drew a circle around A and B, you have to take care of your spouse, because when you're happy and in love you can give that to your kids.
She drew a circle around A, B and C, then you take care of your kids, as happy, healthy, strong adults.
And D was outside the circle, for everyone else.
And my wife smiled and said that was amazing, and I looked at her for a second and I knew - you don't believe a ****ing word of that. And I asked her about it weeks later when the euphoria of MC had kind of waned and tried to remind her to take care of herself and make some time for us. And she said 'that's just not what I believe'.
In her world you just had to put C on the board, and circle it. Nothing else mattered.
I commend you on your decisive decision to divorce. See an attorney, though, don't be passive and let it happen. Take charge.
Now that this relationship has reached its terminus, I highly recommend that you check out this blog and buy the book. As you read, you will see what went wrong and how your wife developed contempt and loathing for you. The knowledge will help you in your future relationships.
Devastated, our family has also followed some elements of attachment parenting (including late weaning, our kids were each 2 when they stopped). I think it's like most other human philosophies, in general it's fairly neutral but when taken to a great extreme, even a neutral or good thing can become very harmful.
I am sorry that your wife doesn't buy into the most important tenant of attachment parenting, which is that the greatest gift you can give your children is a loving, happy marriage. All the breastfeeding in the world cannot make up for that.
Also, I'm pretty sure that Doctor Sears does not advocate sleeping with someone who is not your spouse while you are still married. But this just shows you how affairs work--the cheater can rationalize ANYTHING. If you read enough stories, that part will really blow your mind.
I thought of another issue, which is, I assume the kids generally sleep in the same bed with her. How is that going to work out with the OM? That seems like bad news for a long list of reasons. I hope I'm not bringing up a sore point.
I thought of another issue, which is, I assume the kids generally sleep in the same bed with her. How is that going to work out with the OM? That seems like bad news for a long list of reasons. I hope I'm not bringing up a sore point.
iheartlife, you're not bringing up a sore point, I feel better today than yesterday and talking all this out helps. I'm not the person I want to be, but I also wasn't going to get there alone. I'm pouring over these forums and finding out all the ways I'm thinking and acting wrong.
About your point, for us the kids slept in their own bed and WW (I'm trying to pick up on the lingo) would just nurse them to sleep, but then be so tired she'd fall asleep too. She'd wake up in the night to pee or something, and I'd usually hear her and come up and give her a hug and a kiss, and then she'd go back to the kid's room and fall asleep again. She didn't want to have to wake up and walk down the hall when they woke, and our youngest still wakes 2-3 times a night, and we didn't want them in bed with us (I foolishly believed that after a time she'd come back to bed) so she just slept there.
Now that OM is in the picture she'll have our youngest skip his nap so he's good and tired, put the kids to bed, nurse our youngest to sleep, and slip out of his bed and into hers for a night of fun and ****ing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by iheartlife
Also, I'm pretty sure that Doctor Sears does not advocate sleeping with someone who is not your spouse while you are still married. But this just shows you how affairs work--the cheater can rationalize ANYTHING. If you read enough stories, that part will really blow your mind.
That part still kills me. I'm a good person, and I always loved her. We had our fights, we had our problems, I've argued in ways I regret, but I always loved her honestly and completely, always treated her with respect, never drank or smoked or took off at night to hang out with friends or worked late and stopped at the bar. I tried to be a good person, a good father and a good husband. I was also clingy, and pathetic and lacked self-respect. I wasn't a person, I was just an extension of her personality. And she finally realized she didn't need that any more and that whatever we had for each other wasn't love.
So after our last little spat she said we should end it, and I should move out. That was in the middle of February. So I moved out March 1st, we made a list of all of our debts and finances, and I got a little place of my own.
Honestly, I thought this separation might be a path to reconciliation. I thought being apart would remind her that she missed me and that we had built a history together and should try to make it work for our kids, and for all the years of love we shared. We dated for 4 years and then were married for 7.
Sigh.
This was not a good idea my friend. I know it is too late now to undo this but this was not the way to go about this at all if you wanted to eventually reconsile with her. You just isolated yourself so she could become single and so that you could not work on the marriage any longer.
So it is time to move on. Stop being so nice about this. She has moved on.
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Re: Newly separated, she's seeing someone else 
