I apologize if I don't do this correctly, I've never posted anything like this before. I'm in a pretty bad place, and I don't have any outlets for these feelings.
I'm a 33 yr old father of two, a daughter (6) and a son (3). My wife and I have been having problems in our marriage for a long time. She's an attachment parent, sleeps with our kids and still nurses the youngest (our daughter stopped nursing around 5), and the limitations on her time and energy, and the loss of the spark in our marriage built up to a point where when we fought she would say maybe we should just end it. We tried counselling and that helped for a while, but the longer between sessions the worse it got, and we were just maintaining. So after our last little spat she said we should end it, and I should move out. That was in the middle of February. So I moved out March 1st, we made a list of all of our debts and finances, and I got a little place of my own.
Honestly, I thought this separation might be a path to reconciliation. I thought being apart would remind her that she missed me and that we had built a history together and should try to make it work for our kids, and for all the years of love we shared. We dated for 4 years and then were married for 7.
Last weekend she finally told me that we could talk if I needed to, but not about reconciling. It was over, there were too many big things between us, and we need to move on. And that hurt, but not as much as finding out that she had already met someone. When we separated I asked her if she was going to see other men, and she flatly said no, not interested at all, don't want that for the kids.
When I was watching youtube videos on her computer with my son I accidentally/on purpose saw her email, and I saw all the emails from this new guy, and how she was talking to him. All alive with passion and romance, the infatuation of a new relationship, the way she used to talk to me. I asked her again after that if there was someone else and she completely denied it.
And last night, while my kids were asleep, she had him over and they shared a bottle of wine and they slept together. She still uses the email address we used as a couple and I saw everything.
We had agreed to go to a mediator to resolve our divorce and manage a settlement, we hadn't really formalized anything about custody, thinking that we'd work together to make sure the kids were happy and not traumatized.
My problems are:
I was devastated before I knew about the other man, and now I'm at the end of my rope. I've confided in friends but I can't seem to stop the pain. It hurts so much. How can I make the pain stop?
How do I deal with her, knowing what I know and knowing she's lying to me? I know she did it to spare my feelings but it still feels like a betrayal, and the situation she's putting the kids in is potentially volatile. My kids are amazing, and I can't live with anything that's going to traumatize them.
Should I talk to the mediator about what's happening? Is there some recourse?
I go between being dead inside to hurting so much I'm crying while I drive. I really thought she loved me. I thought we had something good, in spite of the problems. I thought we'd always be a family. I have loved her face every day since the day I met her. And if she could do this to me, what am I worth?
I'm seeing a therapist on Friday, I hope they can help. I don't know how to carry this. I'm not strong enough for this.
Well, mediated divorces are good, but only if the mediator has full info -- oh yes, tell the mediator that you have been betrayed and exactly how and why, and that you are mad as hell. You deserve to be.
This is so awful for you. Please do keep posting and let us know how it goes.
The only reason I ask about telling the mediator is that as I understand it he is technically both of our lawyer, and doesn't enjoy confidentiality if anything ever went to court. I don't want this to go to court, I don't know what I want.
I don't want this happening in the house while the kids are asleep. But it's not much better if she's getting a babysitter and they slip out to a hotel.
I want to close my eyes and wake up a year ago in time to save my marriage, or a year from now when it doesn't hurt.
Well, no, he is not both of your lawyer. He is the person in charge of resolving a mutually agreeable solution, and as such, he needs to know what your boundaries are.
And actually, it is better for your kids if she has a babysitter and goes to a hotel. It's still horrible for you, but better for the kids. You have to learn to separate those two feelings.
And yes, wanting to wake up with it all better? we all went thru that. I'm so sorry. It will get better, but it won't get better soon. I'm so very sorry.
You can do a couple of things here but first you`re going to have to acknowledge that she was most likely already carrying on with this new guy before your separation.
It was most likely the driving motivator to get you out of the house.
If you really want to stick your neck out to try and save this you could move back home...it is your marital home.
From there you can start making her affair very difficult and public.
This maye affect her in a positive manner for your marriage or she may already be gone and it won`t do you any good but it`s the only path towards reconciliation if that`s the path you want.
If it`s not the path you want I`d simply get a lawyer and serve her papers.
A mediator only works when a split is amicable and honest.
Your being lied to about everything.
Stop being nice and either get home and expose her affair or get a lawyer and divorce her.
I am very sorry for you. You need to get tested for STD's. I am guessing that she was probably using the prolonged breast feeding of the children to keep you away from her intimately. Do you think this is only the first time she cheated on you? It is always a good idea to get paternity tests done as well. Good luck.
Dude, that is so low. I know that you want to use a mediator to handle things but I agree with everyone else. Get a DNA test done on the kids. Our Ex want US out of the house so that they can carry on there affairs without interference from you.
I would talk to a lawyer. If you live in an "at fault" state, then her relationship with this OM will hurt her in a divorce. Find out what you can about this OM and blow his world up! Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend?
Let me guess! All the fights you were having; the majority were started by her. It wouldn't surprise me. If she was having an affair, she would have started fights with you to convince herself that you are a terrible person and all you do is fight (nevermind that they were started by her) so it's okay to sleep with this OM because you deserve it. She was trying to not feel guilty about what she was doing because you are (apparently) a jerk.
the 1st thing you need to do is grow a pair. you have her emotions and she have yours. stop worrying about her. you need to grow stronger for YOU. this person has grown to detest your beta personality, and frankly, I'm worried about you. So I'll give you this. Go read the 180 and "No More Mr. Nice Guy".If you have a chance to win her back, you need to remake you. that means PURE ALPHA male cold as the damn south pole, Even if this don't work, it will make you a stronger man. Personally, I would NEVER FIGHT FOR SOMEONE WHO DISSED ME. Our self-respect and self image is truly all we have. And believe me, you can do it. If not for you, then for your kids. No matter what happen between you 2, you want your kids to always look up to an respect you. No child once they reach the age of some true understanding, will respect a parent who lose themself because of emotions. God Bless You Man. Take care of yourself, and stop letting this woman control you.
Devastated, I am so sorry that you are here. I can relate to the crying while driving because for two months after dday I cried everyday on the way home. This is how I found out that tears don't just drip down, they squirt horizontally (I had to clean my glasses when I finally got home.)
As others have pointed out, she was most likely involved with the OM while you were together. You need to move back into your home -- if anyone needs to leave, it should be her. She's the one that's destroying your family. She has some nerve to be having sleepovers already and the ink hasn't even been written on your divorce papers.
Like you, my wife was everything to me. I can still remember vividly telling her, with tears streaming down my face, that I worshiped her and asking why she did this terrible thing to me. Well, it's been almost six months and everyday gets better. Some more than others. I also learned that gods and goddesses are the only entities that deserve our worship.
Stay strong and come back often for support. This place got me through some really dark days.
What you've found out is that your wife has completely lied and misled you so that she could get you to mve out so she could more easily carry on her affair.
My advice, inform her your nice cosy agreement is off.
You are moving back into your home. There will be no more cheating in that house with men with your kids around.
If she wants to cheat, she moves out, the kids stay home, and she pays for her lifestyle herself.
You've played fair, but now you are seeing he actual reasons for getting you gone. Posted via Mobile Device
I appreciate all the responses. I'll try to address some of these things in order.
The new guy, he's someone who she knew 15 years ago, someone she hasn't been in contact with in years. Has she carried a torch for this guy all that time? Is she just grabbing the first friendly face that gives her the tingles? I can't say. But I can say that my ex-wife is not James Bond. It might sound ridiculous to say that I can look at her face and tell when she's lying, but I knew right away when she did lie to me. Also, she doesn't work and the kids are home for the most part, and she never went out. She just didn't have time. If there were hidden email accounts I'd know.
And finally, the chain of emails was pretty clear. They met for lunch a month after I left, she emailed him a few weeks later to see if he was involved with anyone and if he'd like to meet for a drink, and then their little tryst last night. 3rd date? Turns out my wife is a bit ****ty. So unless they laid an elaborate trail of false breadcrumbs in a place she wouldn't have thought I'd be looking, or it really happened this way.
Hindsight being what it is, if there was a time when she was being shifty and making excuses to get out, I'd remember.
The kids are mine. If you saw a picture of the three of us there'd be no doubt. They're little versions of me, and even she wouldn't do that.
At the risk of sounding even more pathetic, she's a genuinely nice person. Warm, kind, very maternal and soft. But once she decided she was done with me she hardened herself against me, turned to ice, and gave herself permission to do whatever she wants.
So the kids are without question mine. And the affair has started since I left, but not long since, no STDs. I feel I'm on solid ground there.
Crossbar asked about the nature of our fights. We fought sometimes about money, sometimes about her family, sometimes about her mom, but mostly she wouldn't really have the interest in spending time with me. She's battled some pretty crippling depression for longer than we were together. She went to bed early at night, didn't want to go out much, and I would go from supportive and flirty, to grumpy and passive-aggressive, to arguing. And as weeks turned into a month or two with no sex, no intimacy, no real interest I'd sort of shut down and sulk. She'd say she wouldn't feel attracted to me when I'm grumpy, and I'd say I'm grumpy because I wasn't getting any attention.
Was she pushing me away because she was feeling like our marriage had run its course? Probably. Ignore me until there was a fight and then not feel guilty about not being involved in our relationship because I'm a jerk? Probably. Even if she didn't know she was doing it, probably. We don't live in an at fault state, and we have nothing anyway. Our assets roughly equal our debts, after she buys me out of the house. There won't be any money to divide.
OldWolf, I hear what you're saying. I desperately want to grow a pair. And talking it out helps. The more I talk to my friends the more I see the problems we had in our marriage.
I know now there won't be a reconciliation. I couldn't go back, and she clearly doesn't want that. I'm scared of a future without her. When I was in pain, when I needed help, I would turn to her. She was my best friend. I haven't been on my own in a really long time. I don't know how I'll convince some new person to be interested in me, and trust them. They say it will pass, they say it'll get better.
I'll read the articles, I'll try what they say. I need to move forward. My guts hurt all the time, and it's hard to see her.
Anyway, the kids are here now and they always make me feel great. I'll keep checking in. Thanks everyone.
Yes, please keep checking in. My heart goes out to you!
And please try to look at this objectively. Impossible, I know. But you need some perspective. Don't blindly believe she couldn't have done this before, or that she only started this up after you moved out. Know that you WILL be fine without her - better, even.
I appreciate all the responses. I'll try to address some of these things in order.
The new guy, he's someone who she knew 15 years ago, someone she hasn't been in contact with in years. Has she carried a torch for this guy all that time? Is she just grabbing the first friendly face that gives her the tingles? I can't say. But I can say that my ex-wife is not James Bond. It might sound ridiculous to say that I can look at her face and tell when she's lying, but I knew right away when she did lie to me. Also, she doesn't work and the kids are home for the most part, and she never went out. She just didn't have time. If there were hidden email accounts I'd know.
And finally, the chain of emails was pretty clear. They met for lunch a month after I left, she emailed him a few weeks later to see if he was involved with anyone and if he'd like to meet for a drink, and then their little tryst last night. 3rd date? Turns out my wife is a bit ****ty. So unless they laid an elaborate trail of false breadcrumbs in a place she wouldn't have thought I'd be looking, or it really happened this way.
Hindsight being what it is, if there was a time when she was being shifty and making excuses to get out, I'd remember.
The kids are mine. If you saw a picture of the three of us there'd be no doubt. They're little versions of me, and even she wouldn't do that.
At the risk of sounding even more pathetic, she's a genuinely nice person. Warm, kind, very maternal and soft. But once she decided she was done with me she hardened herself against me, turned to ice, and gave herself permission to do whatever she wants.
So the kids are without question mine. And the affair has started since I left, but not long since, no STDs. I feel I'm on solid ground there.
Crossbar asked about the nature of our fights. We fought sometimes about money, sometimes about her family, sometimes about her mom, but mostly she wouldn't really have the interest in spending time with me. She's battled some pretty crippling depression for longer than we were together. She went to bed early at night, didn't want to go out much, and I would go from supportive and flirty, to grumpy and passive-aggressive, to arguing. And as weeks turned into a month or two with no sex, no intimacy, no real interest I'd sort of shut down and sulk. She'd say she wouldn't feel attracted to me when I'm grumpy, and I'd say I'm grumpy because I wasn't getting any attention.
Was she pushing me away because she was feeling like our marriage had run its course? Probably. Ignore me until there was a fight and then not feel guilty about not being involved in our relationship because I'm a jerk? Probably. Even if she didn't know she was doing it, probably. We don't live in an at fault state, and we have nothing anyway. Our assets roughly equal our debts, after she buys me out of the house. There won't be any money to divide.
OldWolf, I hear what you're saying. I desperately want to grow a pair. And talking it out helps. The more I talk to my friends the more I see the problems we had in our marriage.
I know now there won't be a reconciliation. I couldn't go back, and she clearly doesn't want that. I'm scared of a future without her. When I was in pain, when I needed help, I would turn to her. She was my best friend. I haven't been on my own in a really long time. I don't know how I'll convince some new person to be interested in me, and trust them. They say it will pass, they say it'll get better.
I'll read the articles, I'll try what they say. I need to move forward. My guts hurt all the time, and it's hard to see her.
Anyway, the kids are here now and they always make me feel great. I'll keep checking in. Thanks everyone.
She may not be the James Bond type but he very well might be.
How nice of a person is she for breaking up your family and then moving on so quickly with another man.
I think you're in a fog. You say that you know her but tell me, did you see any of this coming?
Dev: My heart, along with everyone else's here at TAM richly goes out to you. You don't deserve this and neither do your kids. To echo the prevailing sentiment here, it is time for you to fastly unleash the 180, keep going to IC, and look after the welfare of those kids.
The next stop you should make is to your lawyer's office, because you need to know what your rights are. And whatever you do, go after custody of your kids. She's totally unfit to be their custodial parent much less a non-custodial one. And I totally feel that you would be a much better parent on your worst day than she would ever be on her absolute best one.
Keep us posted. And I'll remain in prayer for you and the kids.
Hang in there, brother!
She may not be the James Bond type but he very well might be.
Obviously I can't say with certainty that she's never had an affair, but I can only tell you I'm as certain as I can be. There just wasn't an opportunity. She never left the house, and I run all the computers in the house. I bought her the first smartphone she's had 6 months ago. And I've been on it to put music on. I understand the natural reaction to be suspicious, with all the experience on this board and all the stories you've heard, but you'll have to trust me that this is the first.
And for her I'm sure she doesn't think she's having an affair. She thinks we're over, she's been more ready for it to be over as she's the one who wanted it to end. She thinks she's just moving on and has met a nice man. And she send him an email saying 'hope I'm not too forward, but are you seeing anyone - romantically?' etc.
But they had a great first date and he walked her home and kissed her and then she wanted to see him again but couldn't get a babysitter on a weeknight so she put the kids to bed, asked him to bring over a bottle of wine, and told him she can't wait to see him, touch him, kiss him, and I died a little inside.
And then today he wrote that he overslept because of the sex, and she wrote back that it was amazing, and her body really responded to him. Etc.
Don't like reliving it all, but can't help it. If this was going on before, I'd know. I might be pathetic, I might be a doormat, I was obviously much more into her than she was into me, but I'm not blind or a fool. If it was happening, I'd have known. Just like I found out about this. She still hasn't admitted to seeing anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
How nice of a person is she for breaking up your family and then moving on so quickly with another man.
How can I explain it? All the things I loved about her are real. She is a nice person, and she is kind to people, and all the neighbourhood kids play at our house (her house) after school, and when someone needs to leave their kids while they run out, they ask her.
But once she decided we were over I became the enemy. She didn't want to be talk into resolving our problems again. She didn't want my emotional baggage. She wanted to cut the ties, and she did it sharply. And then she ran to another guy.
I know how it sounds, but otherwise kind people I think have the capacity to be very cruel and unfeeling and passive-aggressive. And that's how it is now. Maybe this guy will be an ******* and they'll break it off. Maybe he'll get tired of her once the initial infatuation wears off. Who knows? I guess it doesn't matter to me anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
I think you're in a fog. You say that you know her but tell me, did you see any of this coming?
I'm not in a fog, I'm in pain. I'm not deluding myself, I really do know her.
I really thought she felt enough for me that we would slowly, respectfully, untangle our lives and get the kids into new routines. They're taking all of this ok for now, and I thought we'd just take our time and get to a good place all around, and then start the next part of our lives. But she jumped on the first guy she found and I'm a wreck. I saw the split coming, even thought I fought it. The quick turn-around? That blew me away. I think I could have gotten through the divorce, learned to live my life and enjoy my new freedom, if she just could have let some time pass.
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Newly separated, she's seeing someone else 
