Count of Monte Cristo

Unfooking believable. Did she not swear before god to be faithful when she married you? She's a human being with human frailties. When you started this thread, you were certain that her culture would prevent her from cheating. And look where that got you.

She was naked in bed with a man that wasn't her husband and you think swearing on the Koran is the equivalent of a polygraph? GET REAL!!

I give up. I'll no longer be responding to your thread.

warlock07

Well, Quran advocates death for adultery. Not sure how much seriously she takes it.

Shaggy

I think you are missing the point Martin.

SHe chose to prepare herself, to offer herself, and to sleep naked in bed with another man. She proclaimed her love for him. She gave her self to him.

The fact a particular appendage didn't poke into a body section is irrelevant. And according to her story, it was only because he refused her. She on the other freely gave herself to him.

They had sex. By your current thinking, if a guy doesn't penetrate it isn't sex ?

Your looking for an out surrounding the physical acts that took place when they did have sex, but you are ignoring the betrayal and willingly giving herself to him repeatedly, and lying to you.

Nothing you've done so far has imposed any consequences for her, and nothing you have done has given her any reason to stop doing it with him as soon as she can.

The wolf is still at the door, and the woman of the house is still wanting to willingly choose to open the door and let him in.

Martin12

Minor point, she says she wasn't naked (I know, wearing a night gown isn't much different), he was.

I know, I know, you're right, it still sounds unlikely if not outright incredible, but there are possible reasons for it, including herpes, some weird denial strategy, his slow sexual response at age 63, and her possible reluctance.

In any event, I thank you and others for the advice you gave
at the beginning to disrupt the affair.

I have to make judgments. The judgments are based mostly on things which are impossible to convey on a message board, particularly her responses to me now.

Is the affair over? I think yes, because of the disruption and drama you all helped me to bring.

I see this as a Perfect Storm brought about by a combination of factors including my absence, my lack of communication, my past sins, and Facebook bringing the old boyfriend back into her life at precisely the wrong moment. The storm has passed.

Either I forgive her or I don't; what else can I do now?

Martin12

This speaks to the difficulty of reading another person's thoughts, even if you've been married to her for more than 30 years. I do think f-king another guy would be a big step for her.

I also don't doubt she was ready to take that step, which is hurtful and significant - her story is that he stopped her. Incredible? Yes. Impossible? No.

Yes, she did have sex. She was willing to f-k him. She prepared to f-k him, bought a nightgown. I know it was a betrayal. In that regard, the details don't matter.

There have been consequences - lots of drama and tears.

I think the wolf's been driven off. If the wolf comes back, then it's over.

Shaggy

No, it's not that simple as forgive or don't forgive, because that leaves things right back where they were when you last left before the affair.

Please read the sticky in this section it contains suggestions on dealing with after the affair.

Consequences are not punishments - they are actions put in place to deal with the affair and to ensure it remains over.

consequences such as surrendering passwords etc. No locked phones, compete transparency and accountability.

no more trips alone to "visit" friends.

She has to re-earn your trust. She betrayed it easily and willingly.

And for you:

Trust - BUT - verify.

you need to have checks in place to ensure that this doesn't continue on. Things like getting a keylogger/var/gps tracker in place.

Shaggy

Drama and tears are not consequences - they are theatre.

The wolf isn't gone. He knows there is a willing piglet in the house and he will come back to see if he can get in. It's the nature of the wolf.

bryanp

As stated previously, the Quran advocates death for committing adultery. She committed adultery and you believe her because she swore on the Quran? What is wrong with this picture? Have the both of you get tested for STD's and especially herpes.

morituri

Martin12, there are spouses who will lie no matter what Holy book you put in front of them. Yes the polygraph test is not 100% reliable - neither is a human being - but the simple act of being forced to take one is often sufficient enough for an unfaithful spouse to tell the whole truth before he/she submits to one. The polygraph machine, unlike a live human being, has no agenda because it is an object. So when it comes to believing a human being and a polygraph machine, my bet is on the machine.

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"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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chapparal

I think Martin feels he is just getting his payback from his past actions. I hope it works out for him.

Good luck Martin

morituri

I agree, just like cantrusthim is for having an affair on her first husband 28 years ago. They are both making penance for their infidelities.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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pidge70

When both people end up cheating it usually ends up a p!ssing contest on who hurt who more. I wish OP the best of luck....he's going to need it.
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Martin12

Spot on, we were just running though that issue - my series of hounddog-like affairs with no future plans or promises being made vs. her deep emotional connection with this guy and their conspiracy to divorce their spouses and ride off together happily ever after.

This might be the toughest issue.

Shaggy

And this is why handing out forgiveness quickly actually does deal with the real issues at hand.

keko

Is laying naked next to another man and getting fingered not adultery? Aren't cheaters stoned to death in muslim countries? Seems like she doesn't even know her religion much to swear on it.