I posted the naive beginnings of my story about three weeks ago, link here.
For those of you unfamiliar with it, I have been working contracts overseas in Southwest Asia. I've been married for more than 30 years to a woman of Indian/Pakistani origins.
A little more than two months ago, the wife was contacted by an old "boyfriend" on Facebook. More than 34 years ago this guy (an American) was ostensibly a graduate student instructor and my wife to-be was an undergrad at a foreign university. According to my wife, they had a little romance, which involved kissing and touching, but no sexual contact because she was a virgin at the time. He was also engaged to another woman, so they split. This was something that I gather my wife to-be did not take easily.
So, fast-forward 34 years. She gets married to me and has kids, who are adults now. He marries, divorces, marries again, has kids and an unusual career in the Middle East and Eastern Europe, finally returning home in the last 10 years.
I'm 55, she's 58, he's 63. Too old for this kind of drama, but it proves we're all still who we were as teenagers.
So this guy contacts my wife on Facebook. She mentioned this to me at the time (I am away working), but about two weeks later her emails begin to make demands for me to "show me love," accusations of infidelity (I have been caught cheating by her in the past), dissatisfaction with our marriage and me being away. This leads up to her telling me the marriage is over.
I am nonplussed by this, although I acknowledge I was not communicating with her to the best of my ability. It was the daily email or two, not the phone calls or Skype video sessions. I do suspect this contact with the guy has precipitated this, which she vehemently denies, because "he is married," among other reasons.
We were planning a vacation in the Mediterranean together in April, and she says I should take it alone. In the midst of this, she gets word that her sister-in-law (brother's wife) is terminally ill in the UK. I email her and propose we go and visit her and take my R&R in the UK. I do not get an answer to this over a weekend. We end up talking by phone and she says she was away consoling a friend whose husband just died. She agrees to go to the UK and we meet there and have a good time, although when she gives me her laptop to show me something, I take the opportunity to look at her Skype and a message from this guy pops up - "I love you." She says she had not met him yet.
Well, shorten a long story, due to the good advice on this board, I end up contacting his wife, then demanding all of her passwords. This leads to a chain of events where I find a whole bunch of stuff out, including a whole chain of emails between them, in an email account she thought was hidden (but cut off when OM sets up special email addresses for the two of them). These are devastating in their intimacy and professions of love, although no sexual talk - but this is before they met. I get his Skype voicemails to her "I love you, I'm missing you" Then the phone and cell phone accounts - about 11 hours on the phone in April (even though she was away in the UK for 9 days), hundreds of texts.
Also emails asking her friend to buy her a "lacy camisole with panties to match" at Victoria's Secret and some of her favorite brand of perfume. This is an urgent mission which has to be completed by Friday (which is the night he is arriving).
She has told a series of lies - they did not meet, they met for coffee once, they met for dinner, they were making out a little in the car, they met twice, but they only had lunch the second time.
I knew from the wireless records (cell towers) that they met the first time in a resort town about 50 miles from our house, which her and I used to go to frequently for romantic weekends away. This was after asking friend to buy the "lacy camisole and panties" at Victoria's Secret. It was also the weekend she told me she was consoling her friend, the grieving widow.
I just came home yesterday evening (I'm up and can't sleep at 4 am due to time difference and this drama). I'm calm and tell her that I can forgive anything, but I want the truth. She tells me an utterly implausible story that they met, she was in his room and they were "petting" with hand/genital contact only, and she went home (drove 50 miles at night) then drove back to see him again the next day. Then it was that he went down on her, but he stopped her from going down on him because he's "honorable" and that there was no penetration. I get upset at the incredibility of this. Then she acknowledges that she slept though the night with him, but there was nothing more than what she said, she thought he had problems (she was Googling "impotence" and "prostrate problems" the Monday after the first weekend together.)
She admits they met again, after she came back from the UK, and she was again in his room "heavy petting" but no sex. In summary, he made her come by hand and mouth only, but she never helped him to come.
I also have reasons to believe, due to flight schedules and their pattern of communications, that they met two other times, which she denies. This guy easily has the money to have done this.
There was a NC email which was quickly broken, then I made a lot more drama on his end and perhaps now they are not in communication.
What bothers me the most is that she is trying to preserve her initial story that this guy was too "honorable" to have full sex with her (which I took as an implicit contrast with me in my cheating days). It also bothers me that she is trying to minimize what she did as much as she can, in order to preserve a moral advantage over me in future arguments.
I thought we could have it out and we could move on, but I am not buying her story. I am only home for a week. What to do?