Right, we haven't always been the perfect couple, but we always were very close. I know it doesn't make it right. What I don't understand is why the counselors feel we need to fix ourselves first, and why the marriage cannot be worked on at the same time. A lot of my issues stem from wanting to keep the peace, I hate rocking the boat. But in the end it leads to a lot of stress and anxiety (I'm 38 and have 2 BP Meds, and 2 anxiety meds), mainly because I cant say no even when I know it will lead to turmoil (Insanity) I think is what you call it!!
Ok, as far as fixing yourselves vs the marriage...if you don't fix yourself first, then the problems YOU have will continue affecting the marriage. And, it could undermine all you are trying to do to fix it... That's why the counsellor says "fix you first"
Second.... GOOD GOD! TWO BP meds and TWO anxiety meds??? By sitting back and "keeping the peace" you are a making yourself worse. You are rug sweeping, my friend. And If you continue this way, you are a heart attack waiting to happen! Now, fixing yourself is how you fix this as well. It is possible that once you get to the root of it, your meds could be reduced, and the marriage can be fixed...IF IF IF that is the path you choose.
All good points. Very rarely does she connect her phone via computer, and she does 99% of her surfing via iphone. The OP did time in FL and our home state for assault and battery, domestic, and theft, I know where he lives and as far as I know he doesn't work.
I understand that "fixing ourselves" needs to be done, but I feel like the marriage has been shelved and the couple issues are "ok" to be left alone. I want to fix this, and my feeling is if the couple issues are left alone, the animosity will grow and it will only be harder to repair.
You cannot fix it while the affair is a live. It's still alive in your wife. Posted via Mobile Device
Fixing the marriage can only BEGIN after the betrayer reliquishes all hope for their affair partner. As long as that hope remains alive, they will not be honest in counseling, they will not share their innermost feelings with you, and they will not put the effort in. Fixing a marriage is HARD WORK and if a spouse has already chosen the easy way out by engaging in an affair, what makes you think they will suddenly reengage at the stage that she's in?
You cannot nice someone out of an emotional affair. You cannot beg, plead, cry, etc. and you cannot be increasingly loving. That stuff worked when you were romancing her at the beginning of the relationship, but each stage of a relationship has its own dynamic. In the "affair stage" (yuck, hate saying that), being nice and loving is actually repulsive to a cheating wife. Counterintuitive, I know. But you'll figure this out for yourself soon enough.
If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? You have to assume it went physical and the both of you need to be tested for STD's.
Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you and your marriage and you are afraid to stand up to her. This will always lead to failure. My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will?
It also may be a good idea to talk to a lawyer just to understand your options. It will also empower you. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.
Cheaters follow a script. It really is remarkable how similar they all act. Look at some of these other threads on this forum and you will see. Your wife is following the cheater's script to a T. She is at the part of the script where she has been found out but has lied about the extent of the affair and may have taken it deeper underground.
All cheaters lie about the affair. The truly remorseful ones are blubbering crying messes begging for forgiveness. The ones who are trying to continue it act like your wife.
First you need the truth about the extent of the affair and whether or not it is continuing. Tell her that her story is not believable. Tell her that all the facts add up to them having a physical affair and that the affair is continuing. This includes them having access to each other, her changing passwords, and the way she is acting. Stand your ground and demand the truth. Your wife's story is possible, but not believable. Explain to her that no reasonable person would believe her story based on the facts. Based on that, she should understand why you don't believe her and why you need her to take a polygraph to find out if the affair was physical and if it is continuing.
If she refuses, tell her you will file for divorce. Then do it. Let me warn you. No offense meant, but you are a doormat. Your wife will never believe you are going to file for divorce. She will think she can continue to have her way. She is used to manipulating you and always getting her way. You will have to actually file in order for her to believe it and help her snap out of it. You can always stop the divorce if she comes clean and meets your conditions. You are going to have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
Another warning: Prepare for divorce. It is a good possibility that you may lose your marriage no matter what you do. You do not control your wife. You only control you. She may be done with your marriage anyway or may want the other man so much that she refuses to come back to the marriage. You can only control what you do, how you handle it. Don't let her disrespect you and treat you like a doormat anymore. Handle it with dignity and self-respect. If you file for divorce and she doesn't want to reconcile, you are better off knowing sooner rather than later so you can minimize the months or even years of lying and cheating and move on with your life.
Other conditions you should impose for a reconciliation: No contact with the other man. She should handwrite the other man a "no contact" letter stating how horribly ashamed she is about her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her marriage and husband, which are the most important things in the world to her, and if the other man attempts to contact her, she will file charges against him for harassment then give it to you for mailing.
She should not have any contact with him related to her job. She must give up his case or switch jobs.
She should give you access to all communication devices and passwords to all accounts and let you know her whereabouts at all times.
If she refuses any of these conditions, tell her you will file for divorce, then do it.
Also, if she refuses your conditions, expose the affair to her and your families, any wife/girlfriend of the other man, if not to his family, friends, parents, siblings, and also to her job (assuming she is misusing work time to carry on the affair and that it is a breach of ethics to get involved in a relationship with a client). Do not tell her you are going to do this, when the time comes just do it. Let them know what you know, the extent of the texts, your wife's admissions, and that you want their support in saving your marriage.
I don't think you will do these things yet. You do not seem ready. Look at some of these other threads. Notice how what you have done, and what you are planning to do, has not worked. You cannot negotiate her back into the marriage. You cannot "nice" her back into the marriage. You have to stand up for yourself and stop being disrespected. Tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control you. But if she doesn't want to work on the marriage by doing the things you need to help you heal from her affair, you will leave the marriage.