I joined here because I am in desperate need of some advice.
My wife had a male friend at her old job which she confessed to me that she thought he was attractive. At first I freaked out, mind you our relationship is the first serious relationship either of us has ever had so little things sometimes get blown out of proportion. I calmed down later and realized that it’s normal to think other people are hot, like they say people don’t stop being attractive just because you’re in a relationship. We all have that one celebrity we think is super hot or whatever, she told me she thinks the werewolf guy from the twilight movies is hot and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. So I began thinking and realized that what bothered me was that they were friends and she thought he was attractive, now I trust her completely but I’m confused as to where I draw the line, she no longer works there but kept in touch with him, I did as well because we were all friends but when I found out about what she felt I ended all contact with him as did she but was that wrong? My wife has an easier time making friends with men and that never bothered me before but now I keep wondering what if she makes another friend at her job, what if she thinks he’s attractive, and what if because of that friendship it grows into something more. So what do I do? Do I just say no more male friends? That’s not fair is it? I am very confused about what to do in a situation like this. My wife said she would go along with whatever I wanted because she felt bad about the situation and felt that she shouldn’t have found him attractive but I tried telling her that it was normal, just like the werewolf guy lol but I guess what bothers me is the attraction + the friendship you know? Any advice?
I guess that's the thing, I don't know what my boundaries should be. I want her to have friends but... I don't know how to say this without it being silly, they have to be ugly...lol I know that sounds weird but I would just feel better if didn't think her friend was hot you know?
I don't think I'm being able to fully explain, I just feel really weird but I know a lot of people have opposite sex friends and it's fine but maybe with this guy it's just gone too far because of all we've been through as a couple because of him. Mayeb it'll be easier if/when she makes a new friend? I don't know I'm very confused and don't know what to do.
I don`t have any opposite sex friends, neither does my wife and that works for us but I`m not going to tell you to lay out a boundary of no male friends although many here will and I happen to agree with them.
Set a boundary for this guy and this guy alone until she gives you reason to think she can`t handle opposite sex friends at all then ban them entirely.
Just tell her that you`re very uncomfortable with her friendship and ask her to end it.
I don't think I'm being able to fully explain, I just feel really weird but I know a lot of people have opposite sex friends and it's fine but maybe with this guy it's just gone too far because of all we've been through as a couple because of him. Mayeb it'll be easier if/when she makes a new friend? I don't know I'm very confused and don't know what to do.
Here comes the 2x4.
Married women (men) cannot have close personal friendships with unmarried men (women), ESPECIALLY if they are attracted to each other.
You are asking for a lot of trouble if you let this continue. You sound very young - my wife stayed close friends with a guy she knew in college, before I met her. Saw him occasionally after we got married and I allowed it. He turned out to be my friend too, eventually. Guess what. When things weren't going well in our marriage, who did she turn to? That's right, the friend, and she fell for him.
Married women (men) cannot have close personal friendships with unmarried men (women), ESPECIALLY if they are attracted to each other.
You are asking for a lot of trouble if you let this continue. You sound very young - my wife stayed close friends with a guy she knew in college, before I met her. Saw him occasionally after we got married and I allowed it. He turned out to be my friend too, eventually. Guess what. When things weren't going well in our marriage, who did she turn to? That's right, the friend, and she fell for him.
Stop this now.
Bingo! We have the winning answer.
Any physical, sexual or mental attraction to an opposite sex friend needs to stop. NOW.
If she no longer works with him, there's no reason for continued contact.
There's a member on here who was betrayed by her spouse, she recommends a book called Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. You can find it on amazon, etc. If you're not sure what your boundaries should be or how to define them with your wife, that book (from the description--I have not read it) should walk you through the process step by step.
You should give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing this potential situation in your marriage and taking the steps to prevent (to the extent that you can) the boundaries in your marriage being crossed. You can't control any stupid choices she may have made / may be making / may make in the future, but you can lay it all out so that from here on out, there are no doubts in her mind about what you consider to be appropriate or inappropriate relationships with people outside of marriage.
You dodged a bullet. I wasn't concerned about my ex wife's male friends until I found out that one of her 'really good friends' was actually an old lover. I know that's not the case in your situation but the very fact that she was attracted to him is a huge no no.
Also, being attracted to unattainable entertainers is not the same. I'm attracted to Mandy Moore, Kate Beckinsale, Diane Lane, Kelly Clarkson, and a host of other performers but I would have to get extremely lucky to end up in the sack with one (or more) of them.
Please stick around here and learn other ways to protect your marriage. I wish I had found this place in happier times.
How do you think your wife would react if you told her that the woman you are working with is really hot?
There is a big difference between saying somebody is hot who in the movies since you know they will never meet them and working with another man every day and telling your husband you think he is hot. Do you see the difference?
Really in my opinion married people should not have really 'good' friends of the opposite sex. All my good friends are girls and all my H's good friends are guys. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You are not paranoid... period. Married spouses really cannot have "good", "close", "trusting" friends of the opposite sex.
It just doesn't work.
It really is not that hard to understand... If she is telling "him" something that she would not tell you... you have an affair in the making. If you "feel" something is wrong about your wife's male friendship then you are more than justified in exposing it for what it really is. Don't be me. I denied the truth.
Basically males are out of bounds for her---she can have minimal aqauintance contact, and that is it---as to co-workers---same thing, but her contact with males at work is much harder for you to check---so she must know/be told, that anything excessive is inappropriate
----make sure she is an open book to you---social websites, cellphone/texts---e-mail----you need to see them whenever you wish----remember there is no privacy in a mge----she wanted to have privacy, she should have stayed single.
---if she all of a sudden starts to guard the phone---or her lifestyle as to dress/clothes/makeup/hours that she comes and goes--CHANGES--any of these are a red flag----if the red flags appear---then you get your investigative skills up and working
GNO---does she do them, if so, what are the circumstances----old BF---does she have contact???----just keep an eye out for anything that your gut might tell you is not right, or as I said anything that indicates a change from her normal total routine!!!!!
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Confused about wife's male friend 
