Tell your wife you are going to get an std test and schedule one for her. Among the reasons already given for her not having sex with you could be her fear of having contracted something and infecting you.
Have you had sex since she came back or just not had sex since you busted her?
Another barb you could throw would be to ask the OM and his wife if they have any STDs. Puts the affair in the tawdry light it deseves.
00SMI00, any updates? You've had the chance to read the responses here. You're getting what I never got when I first discovered her EA: Good advice from people who've been through it.
00SMI00, any updates? You've had the chance to read the responses here. You're getting what I never got when I first discovered her EA: Good advice from people who've been through it.
Thanks for the advice. I know for a fact that this thing started on this trip. Also the guy lives 400 miles away. I know everything I need to know about him and can make one phone call and rock his world. And yes we have sex about every week and a half. Just not as often as I like. My gut tells me what ever this was its over. He has a lot to lose if this gets out. I have worked on me and she is working on her. If something else is going on it will come out. Not planting a VAR or a lie detector. That's just crazy sorry don't want to offend anyone but if it gets to that point I'm out. Not playing that game! Posted via Mobile Device
If something else is going on it will come out. Not planting a VAR or a lie detector. That's just crazy sorry don't want to offend anyone but if it gets to that point I'm out. Not playing that game! Posted via Mobile Device
Not planting a VAR or a lie detector. That's just crazy sorry don't want to offend anyone but if it gets to that point I'm out. Not playing that game! Posted via Mobile Device
I realize there is no persuading you. The fact that I have advanced degrees and am in my forties, that I both knew my husband for longer and have been married to him longer than you, does not impress you.
After I found out about my husband's EA, we entered marriage counseling. I worked very hard on myself. I have never been a wimp, and never intentionally swept his affair under a rug.
But I was very uneducated about the intricacies, and rather boring predictability, of affairs and cheating spouses. So I never once verified that he was not in contact with her.
That choice only cost me three more years of my life. I discovered they were still in contact when he accidentally texted me.
We've made huge progress on our marriage in just a few short weeks. Progress that we didn't make with 6 mos of expensive counseling three years ago.
It's painful to watch someone make the mistakes I made, but sadly cheating persists because most spouses have to learn these things for themselves, the hard way. Posted via Mobile Device
Not planting a VAR or a lie detector. That's just crazy sorry don't want to offend anyone but if it gets to that point I'm out. Not playing that game!
Most people don't want to. But you sometimes don't want to end the relationship based on a suspicion or gut feeling. remember, your wife isn't you. The set of morals do not apply to her. Good luck
I realize there is no persuading you. The fact that I have advanced degrees and am in my forties, that I both knew my husband for longer and have been married to him longer than you, does not impress you.
After I found out about my husband's EA, we entered marriage counseling. I worked very hard on myself. I have never been a wimp, and never intentionally swept his affair under a rug.
But I was very uneducated about the intricacies, and rather boring predictability, of affairs and cheating spouses. So I never once verified that he was not in contact with her.
That choice only cost me three more years of my life. I discovered they were still in contact when he accidentally texted me.
We've made huge progress on our marriage in just a few short weeks. Progress that we didn't make with 6 mos of expensive counseling three years ago.
It's painful to watch someone make the mistakes I made, but sadly cheating persists because most spouses have to learn these things for themselves, the hard way. Posted via Mobile Device
Your correct not impressed with the advanced degrees. There are plenty educated idiots in the world and no I'm not knocking you. Believe me if something is still going on they will mess up and get cought. He has an MBA and is a VP. Just another jackass try to get a piece as far as I'm concerned. We are also in MC and I think it's helped a lot. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow you people tell it like it is. You might be right. They met at the hotel. This has not been going on long. Not a stupid male here. The stupid ass is the wife that got busted.
All males are stupid. It's what we do best. (Well, so my wife tells me!)
Your correct not impressed with the advanced degrees. There are plenty educated idiots in the world and no I'm not knocking you. Believe me if something is still going on they will mess up and get cought. He has an MBA and is a VP. Just another jackass try to get a piece as far as I'm concerned. We are also in MC and I think it's helped a lot. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, what I was trying to point out is that unfortunately, not only do people with advanced degrees act like fools, like the OM, but they can also be fooled by their spouses who they've known for a very long time.
You do know your own situation best, and certainly if things go south, please know I am the last person who would ever say I told you so to anyone.
I respect ur decision not to spy, but just know sometimes it's helps the betrayed spouse,in my case the H did everything right after Dday. Total transparency ect....the snooping I then did was for me, I was trusting him, but I couldn't trust my own judgment for a few months. Anyhow glad you are doing MC and I wish you the best.
I respect ur decision not to spy, but just know sometimes it's helps the betrayed spouse,in my case the H did everything right after Dday. Total transparency ect....the snooping I then did was for me, I was trusting him, but I couldn't trust my own judgment for a few months. Anyhow glad you are doing MC and I wish you the best.
That is a good point, sorry to post again, but it may surprise you to know that our current MC told me in front of my husband to install spyware and backup software on my husband's phone. It was both to reduce my anxiety and to prove his loyalty to me. He also quizzed my husband on how to prove he wasn't in contact and discussed an "ending ritual" for the affair (meaning a no contact letter as often suggested around here). I'm not going to speculate what might have happened if our first MC three years ago had done these simple things, which took about 45 minutes to discuss. Too painful and water under the bridge anyhow.
Edited to add, software as mentioned is not a long-term solution. In the end, as you've already said, you have to give yourself up to trusting them again, or simply end the relationship. But immediately after an affair has been entered and I love you's exchanged, the cheater is very very weak. It doesn't take much for them to chuck the hard work of the marriage and run back to the fantasy.
That is a good point, sorry to post again, but it may surprise you to know that our current MC told me in front of my husband to install spyware and backup software on my husband's phone. It was both to reduce my anxiety and to prove his loyalty to me. He also quizzed my husband on how to prove he wasn't in contact and discussed an "ending ritual" for the affair (meaning a no contact letter as often suggested around here). I'm not going to speculate what might have happened if our first MC three years ago had done these simple things, which took about 45 minutes to discuss. Too painful and water under the bridge anyhow.
Edited to add, software as mentioned is not a long-term solution. In the end, as you've already said, you have to give yourself up to trusting them again, or simply end the relationship. But immediately after an affair has been entered and I love you's exchanged, the cheater is very very weak. It doesn't take much for them to chuck the hard work of the marriage and run back to the fantasy.
Well I think the love stuff was one way. I think he basically told her he wasn't leaving his wife. This is my own speculation. Its a long story but this is what I and the MC have come up with. Posted via Mobile Device
But immediately after an affair has been entered and I love you's exchanged, the cheater is very very weak. It doesn't take much for them to chuck the hard work of the marriage and run back to the fantasy.
It seems that would be a big win for the betrayed spouse; especially if the culprits gathered their things and sailed off into the sunset together.
If you can make the call an trash his life, then make the call. Ruin his parade, and show him and her there are consequences for playing I your backyard. Posted via Mobile Device
Well I think the love stuff was one way. I think he basically told her he wasn't leaving his wife. This is my own speculation. Its a long story but this is what I and the MC have come up with. Posted via Mobile Device
That would explain why (at least according to your feelings and descriptions) she's engaged in working on the marriage. That is a bit of rarity, as you've probably gathered after 3 pages of posts.
Have you drafted a No Contact (NC) letter, had her write it up in her handwriting, and delivered certified mail to the OM. There are standard versions available on the forum.
I would also contact his wife. You may be a lucky bastard a second time and scared him off by confronting him directly, but the forum is littered with the bodies of betrayed spouses who tried that and found out that the OM will say one thing to your face while making a secret end run for your wife. Affair partners of both sexes, in general, have nothing but contempt for the loyal spouse, they perceive them as gullible losers who can't keep their partners happy and therefore deserve their spouse cheating on them and they're more than happy to help them out with that.
Have you raised the topic of the lack of sex with the marriage counselor present?
Do you feel that she is genuinely remorseful? if you aren't sure what remorse is in a cheating spouse, there's a helpful chart around here to figure out if she's showing true remorse to you.
Do you feel that the MC is adequately addressing her infidelity--i.e., why she thought it was appropriate to break marital boundaries in this way? Another thing to avoid at all cost is "rug-sweeping" whereby you are in such a rush to "get over" the affair that you don't address the deep underlying causes of the affair. Working on the marriage, and changing what you can to improve your side of things, is obviously part of avoiding rug-sweeping. But she has to look deep inside of herself too. She made some very stupid, but extremely calculated and conscious choices, and she needs to fully face them to your satisfaction.
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Re: Emotional Affair 
