ForeverIS

I have been out of the house since March 3. One shining bright spot is I have been paying large amounts on the one credit card I have since I told her I was done paying on the house. Also if I move back in there is no way I can pay the bills there. I know she is really struggling as she said so to her mom. I did talk to a lawyer about some of this. Her mom actually paid for me to go! He said yeah stop paying any house bills and don't fight her to keep in a marriage as its over. Harsh but I guess he's right. I thought about filing but I am scared her family wont understand. I am also scared she will throw that in our son's face. He is 11 and he knows this is her decision not mine. He knows I love her very much and have told him so. I should mention too we are both religious I know that shouldn't have anything to do with it.

ForeverIS

As far as R I don't know. Times I do and times I don't. I don't love the person she has become. Maybe I'm in love with what I remember of us I don't know. I do know I deserve someone who loves me don't I? I don't know as thing makes me question everything about me.

keko

Sorry you're here.

Hooking up on craigslist is the lowest of the lowest. She ain't worth it. Talk to your advice and try to get away with the least amount of debt/most amount of asset.

the guy

So a month and a half and you got a lawyer. Ok now remember, filing for divorce and finalizing a divorce are completely different from each other.

Beside the emtional and finacial consequences, your WW may need to see the final consequence to her choices.

I have to admit, after rereading your 1st post it sounds like she has checked out for good, but you have a 11yr old son that is counting on both of you and for OM to be around him is not healthy, so talk to your lawyer about a moral clause that will pervent this from happening.

Believe it or not time does heal all wounds and all this crap is still raw and fresh. So focus on your self and then your boy, Its like the oxygen mask on a air plane, you have to take care of your self 1st then you can put the O2 mask on the child.

kenmoore14217

Are you sure your in laws don't have an ulterior motive?

ForeverIS

I don't think so as they have all expressed nothing but disgust for what she has done/is doing. Most of them have tried talking to her and letting her know its wrong to do this. I know my son doesn't know about the om. We are taking him to counseling each separately so from that perspective I know she has no plans to end this. I have considered filling. The lawyer told me wait and let her do it as it will save me about $250. I know she could drag this on forever and at some point I will have to make a jump if I want to move on with my life.

ForeverIS

The lawyer I talked to is way way too expensive for me. His retainer is $4,000 and he charges $400 an hour. My friend told me about his lawyer and he charges a bit less so I may talk to him. I just don't get it though. What kind of person does this to another person? She was supposed to be my best friend. I guess she has no morals is that right?

keko

Are there too many assets involved?

ForeverIS

No literally just a house. No 401Ks or anything else. 1 car mine 1 suv hers. Thats it. We payed off $56,000 of debt in 5 years and were set this year to make some serious home improvements and start retirement saving. We had also talked of buying a beach home and renting it out.

keko

Then dont waste money on lawyer fees. Have her get dumped by the OM, and file for divorce on her own. In the mean time start saving money and keep the MIL happy.

edit: save the money in cash, nothing which can be divided in divorce.

the guy

See as the marraige deteriorates, waywards will look for someone to fill the void, it starts out as friends then the OM makes a move on the weak and lonly house wife.

So your WW pays here dues for this missing void by having sex with OM. She then starts to rewrite history and makes you out to be the abusive neglectful husband so she can justify the affair.

Affairs are like icebergs, there is more then it seems. Especially the time. The cheating life style your WW is in has been going on longer then you know...that is a given.

Just like any behavior it takes time to grow. and now you are here at this point were it has all blown up in her face so now she jsutifies it by making you out to be the bad guy and as long as she is cold and distant in her fantasy of affair fog she is doing the right thing.

Waywards can have intitlement issues or valitation issues or even PBD and at any case the choice to sneak off and have an affair is easier then standing up and filing for divorce while they still have honor.

But since they have gone down the wrong path, and are now caught, they will lie till there death in order to make them selve believe they did the right thing.

Now that you have confronted her she has to treat you like sh*t b/c the truth in what she really has become is to painfull to admit to.

See, it realy is her and not you...she made a choice to deal with a unhealthy marriage by seeking others to fill a void and by lying and decieving you.

She could have put her big girl pants on long ago and stayed true to her self and fill for D, but instead she has choose the easier path. This adultroy crap is all on her and has nothing to do with you.

I know it doesn't help with the pain, but I hope it gives you some understanding on why she is not the same person you married and what she has become and why.

I'm just the-guy with a cheating wife. I bang nails for a living, and alls I have to offer is my experience, that and being here for over 2 freaking year.......

bryanp

Have you been tested for STD's?

iheartlife

the guy said it well--the marriage could have been vulnerable (for whatever reason); or she could have some type of mental illness: she may be a narcissist (in the clinical sense) or have BPD (borderline personality disorder) or some other issues like deep depression or untreated bi-polar disorder, the list goes on. Or, she may have no mental issues at all, and this is more often than not the case. Has her family been overly protective of her--or do they wait on her hand and foot? Is she used to getting her way in general--is she a self-preoccupied person even before the affair?

She is lying to herself in some way to justify this. I'm sure she believes in "morality" or she would never have married you. She has in some way psychologically justified HER version of morality by explaining to herself that she deserves to have an affair. Cheaters aren't spending a great deal of time pondering what their spouse thinks. They are not in an empathetic place. Cheating does not follow rules of logic and betrayed spouses are chasing up the wrong alley trying to comprehend it.

Mature adults who reach the sad conclusion that their marriage isn't going to work, despite many efforts at communication and counseling and spelling out their needs, well, they make the deliberate choice, after much consideration, to file for separation and/or divorce. Cheating is not for mature adults, it's basically for selfish children masquerading as adults. Rather than face their problems head on, rather than express their needs clearly or request counseling, they choose to enter the fantasy of an affair.

Affairs are fun. There is an air of the unreal about them. In an affair, you aren't preoccupied by the boring stuff of real life. In Affair World, there is no money, there are no in-laws, there are no dirty dishes or plumbing problems or empty milk cartons that someone stupidly put back in the fridge.

What is interesting is that she and you and her whole family are religious. So conducting an affair seems to be a way for her to also say 'up yours' to all of them. Maybe a sort of rebellion--did she in any way feel very restricted by her old life?

Anyhow, you can drive yourself crazy trying to peer inside her muddled head. It isn't going to get you anywhere.

ForeverIS

Yeah you told me she always did what her family wanted her to do. From who she dated to everything. She definitely felt constricted by them. She told her sister the same thing on Facebook one day. Wow man you hit it. She is also used to getting her own way. She is probably the most controlling person I have ever met. As far as and STD, I really haven't even had sex in almost 4 years so I guess I could go get tested but I can't imagine I would have anything but who knows? I will schedule and appointment this week. At times I feel like I'm going crazy. Yeah she has made all the problems of our marriage out to seem like its my fault. For awhile a took all the blame upon myself. I was wracking my brain going over all everything she said I did wrong and I owned up to it to her as well. At times the anger in me wants to come roaring out and I just know if I hit her in the face as hard as I can I will feel better. I would never do this as thats not who I am. I have never laid a hand on her. Like Friday. I get my sons things from her and she says, "Have a nice weekend". Really? She is standing there in a t-shirt that has a certain character on it I don't want to say. Well the secret e-mail she set up is the name of that same character. So she is right in my face with this. I do thank you guys and girls for your posts. Too bad I'm not alone in this since I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I do thank you.

the guy

You are by no means alone.
Stop looking at the crap you see her do as a slap in the face, but a poor weak girl that is about to get hit by the karma bus.

You should pity her and ask God to take care of her b/c she is on a path with broken relationship after broken relationship. If she is lucky she will get the help that she needs thru IC. IF she is not going to seek help she will die alone in a trailer full of cat and cat boo.

Really man, suck it up brother, Don't let your WW define who you want to be. The best revenge you can have is having a positive additude, that shows your WW that you can move on with out her and it is her that chooose to be an adultor, and you are rightous and can move on, let her go, and smile knowing you are way better.

All this crap should mean nothing to you...she is someone elses problem now.

You will get thru this. Start now by having the positive additude and smile....smile right in her face and when she ask why you are smiling tell her your happy and walk away.Once she sees you with this "I'm letting you go" and "I'm confident enough to fins someone better" she will start to think twice.