Typical story here. Dated my wife for about 2 years then got married and have been for 14 years. She was amazing and I thought I treated her well. Our sex life before marriage was so amazing. It was so good because I loved her with all of my heart and she was and is my soul mate. We have 1 son and made the mistake of working our schedules so one of us was always with him. Please don't ever do this it will kill your marriage. I really feel our sex life took a plunge downward all most right after our wedding. Currently I haven't had sex with her in all most 4 years. I admit I wasn't helpful around the house as I should have been. We both kind of fell into habits when we were at home alone me video games her tv and we kind of kept these up when off together. This didn't start at first just kind of started happening over the years. I would totally beg her for sex and she would push me away it got to the point of just trying to kiss her and she would push me away. Last August I started to suspect something was up. She stopped saying she loved me and I let it go for awhile then couldn't help myself started snooping around her laptop. Came across a e-mail to a girlfriend of hers where she was going on about how unhappy she was and wanted a divorce. I was devastated as I had no idea how unhappy she was. I mean I was unhappy too but not to that point. We also struggled with financial problems and I didn't help her during those times. I would spend money and didn't care. Yeah I know I'm a piece of trash I get it. Well some more snooping and I found a letter she had written but not sent to a guy she dated like a whole bunch of years earlier telling him how she still loved him and wanted to be with him. I felt like I could just die when I read that like I couldn't breathe and wanted to throw up. I confronted her with it and she said she wanted a divorce. I admit it I cried like a complete baby. Well she agreed to work on it and I changed completely. Everything she said she was unhappy with I changed. Granted I screwed it up big time and did all the things I shouldn't have. The whole following around like a puppy dog and whatnot. Should mention she is in mid 40s me 40. She suffers from depression and migraines. I went to counseling like she suggested and changed all I could. Fast forward to earlier this year. She wasn't putting any effort into anything. I snooped again (I feel like a criminal for this) found a secret e-mail account and a whole bunch of e-mails from some guy she met on Craigslist. Very dumb way to meet someone in my opinion. E-mails suggested a meeting. I showed up there and confronted them. I played it cool and didn't crash a chair over dudes head as I wanted to. I got up the next day and she had the balls to be pissed at me for reading her e-mails. She said, "It was only dinner". Like that makes it cool. We are at this point just residing in the same house. I am at work about 3 weeks later (I work nights) and get a bad vibe. So I leave work early and come home to just miss them in bed together. I confront her an she says, "yeah we had sex". In our bed in my house like I'm nothing just dirt or trash. Like our life together means nothing. So I moved out right away. I am now living with her mom. Yeah thats right HER mom. Her whole entire family have been so awesome to me its crazy. Its not that they just support me though. They just think what she is up to is so wrong. I have been coping okay with it I guess. Some days are a total nightmare like put a gun to my head and end it all bad. Some days I am so angry I want to cut her head off. Some days I cry for no reason. I mean I once was a man tough guy no emotion you know typical grab my crotch and man up kinda guy. Now I feel like I have no balls crying all the time. Her family has been so great though. As it stands though she has it all. A guy that gives her sex all the time (she said so on facebook making fun of me behind my back). Our house and what not. She did come to me and want me to pay half the second mortgage I told her she was out of her mind. Sorry for the length of this stupid post.
The very first thing I suggest you do is get over feeling bad about snooping. You snooped because you loved her, you snooped because you were trying to figure out why she was so distant, STILL, when you had put so much effort in to make the marriage work. I know you realize now that one spouse can twist into a pretzel to help the marriage but if the other partner isn't also working hard, it's pretty much for naught.
I strongly recommend getting tested for STDs.
Also see a doctor to help you cope with the depression. You'll probably barely get the words out before your doctor will write you a prescription. The meds are not a crutch, they will not make you happy, they will just lift you out of the very bottom of the trench you're in so that you can think more clearly and make good choices.
Good for you to have told her family and to see how incredibly supportive they are of you. That is a huge point in your favor. It is a shame that she is so far gone that this apparently doesn't influence her to change her ways.
Craigslist is, as you correctly point out, the dregs of the dregs. The fact that you showed up and she had the GALL to say it's just dinner indicates to me that what she's has grown accustomed to is walking all over you. She has zero respect for you in any way.
You should not have moved out of the home. The first thing I'd do is move back in and make her move out if she can't stand to share the home with you. Moving out can influence your situation legally, it is especially important to do this since you have a son.
Stay strong, the CWI posse will be riding in shortly....
I now have my own checking account and there are no joint accounts. I know where the guy lives and am trying to gather intel. I will soon have his plate number and will run it to get all info. I haven't even talked to her about the marriage in a long time. I am 180ing it right now. The only contact we have is like 1 or 2 a week to exchange clothes for our son. He is split between us equally. Not sure I can live there as I am afraid I will go nuts on him/her and end up in jail. I work in a branch of law enforcement and will so lose everything if I get locked up. When I do see her its like for 1 minute at a time and I barely speak to her. I am going to make sure its even less from here on out. She tells me to come to our joint house to pick up our son and then there are times when she says don't come thats when I know dude is there.
For now you are in a losing battle until the Om is completely out of the picture.
Start by showing her the consequences for her choices by doing the things I mentioned in my last post.
One of the best tactics to make this affair uncomfortable and inconvienent is by filing for divorce. Remember filing and having her served is completely different then when the divorce is finalized.
During the divorce waiting period you can continue to fight this affair. the point is even though you have unconditional love for your WW (wayward wife) you will not share her or tolorate her behavior.
So please I know how bad this hurts. 2yrs ago when I was going thru this sh*t I showed my wife I was confident in moving on with out her (even though I wasn't) and manned up and told her I loved her and would not share her so I asked her to leave.
I also spent more time with my kids and left my wife out. I did everthing I could to push my wife away and was going to accept the blame for her adultory.
Sure I was to blame for 50% of an unhealthy marriage but no way in hell was I going let her blameshift her adultory on me. My wife had a choice...put her big girl pants on and file and divorce my @ss or take the easy way out and sleep with OM other man.
HER SLEEPING AROUND IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!
Man up, no crying or begging that is so unattractive, so work on your self, go work out (it worked great for me), go buy some new cloths, cut your hair, and show your wife how confitent you are in letting her go.
Trust me, I know you love her to death and are feeling so sh*tty right now, but its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up.
There is a proven script to this infidelity crap and you are at the right place to get help so listen and read.
So go educate your self about affairs and eat, go to your doctors so you can get some focus. You will get thru this we all have.
1 more thing as this is at some point in time I guess going to end in a divorce. She will be keeping the house as even with alimony (she makes quite a bit more than me) I couldn't afford to live there by myself. I have started back in the gym. Not to brag but i used to be in awesome shape I worked hard at it. That is helping me. I am now running again and busting my butt to get back in shape. I just feel kinda like man I didn't deserve this. I would have never done this to her or any girl I was ever with. The pain is so intense like nothing I have ever felt before.
Go talk to a lawyer ASAP, you are assuming and you have no idea what your options are.
I had a really unhealthy marriage for 13 years, sure this could be an exit affair but who is the OM? Is it something that will last of is this guy like 10 years younger with no career? My point is do want to R or do want a D?
Sorry I'm all over the place, I truelly feel for you.
1 more thing as this is at some point in time I guess going to end in a divorce. She will be keeping the house as even with alimony (she makes quite a bit more than me) I couldn't afford to live there by myself.
If you want to reconcile, I'd still move back in the house regardless.
If you don't want to reconcile and you're 100% certain legally that moving back in won't have an impact on your future, then no need to move back in. Edited to say, you better have the advice of a good lawyer on this.
Is she shielding your son from this man? The day may come soon when she won't do that any more, you will need a lawyer's advice to get an order in place to minimize your son being around "boyfriends."
When you get the info in the OM hope he`s married.
If he is expose the affair to his wife.
These two options are really the only things that "might" bring your wife back to her senses.
Her attitude, the absolute lack of respect, and the fact that there has been no intimacy in your marriage for 4 years makes me believe she`s a goner.
For this reason I`m not going to stress moving back in as I normally would.
Divorce sounds like it`d find you moving out regardless so unless she shows some remorse, respect, or regret I don`t think there`s a point to moving back in.
If for any reason you think there is a glimmer of love, empathy for you left within her get your ass back home ASAP.