Since my H's Ea and our R, I have noticed he seems to be much more jealous than he was before? Its weird. He was never really a jealous sort, but now...
I have a guy friend(yes we used to date long ago) but he lives in another state and we dont talk that often but we have always kept in contact. We have known each other since I was born. We grew up on the same street. Our families hung out together etc. Anyway, we have always had contact. My H never really seemed to mind. I always told him about our conversations or when I saw him. Well, NOW since the EA and R my H is suddenly jealous of him and not just him???? WTF?
Last night my phone rang and it had 1-***-910-0000 (friends # always shows zero's b/c he is a commander for swat out of state and his phone is outbound only so it doesnt read the actual number but the main number to the headquarters) . I couldnt get to it and no message- H said "who was that? Was it ____?" God, that pisses me off" What???? Since when?
Anyone else have this kinda thing happen with a WS?
He is now very aware where this relationship can head, do yourself a favor and end contact with your ex
"where THIS relationship can head?" Um, it can head nowhere. Seriously. And he has Never had a problem with him before. Suddenly he is convinced that "T" is head over heals in love with me and always has been and is just waiting for H to 'screw up'?
Its ridiculous. And he lives on the other side of the country. We speak 4-5 times a year. Seriously, we have had a relationship for 40 years. Nothing new to suddenly decide to worry about.
Ok, here's my take. I was a WW. My DH was ALWAYS jealous, but then when he got sick (mental problems, he's getting it taken care of but slow going), I didn't cope. I had an EA. It started as confiding frustration and grew from there. DH found out. EA ended. We started working on us, but he fell back into the same old patterns that had frustrated me before. I confided in a MUTUAL friend..and another EA started. This time, I had almost completely checked out of the relationship. Without him saying or doing anything to end it, it ended on its own. I was still in my fog, but then woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to lose DH. I was curious about his texts with a female mutual friend, but didn't think anything of it, at first. I was ok with it before. But then I noticed he was talking to her more. I knew where it could lead because I had been there. I was, unfortunately, correct in my assessment. He had started an EA of his own. He didn't think I would care... which tells me he knew all along, but didn't know what to do to stop it (mine, not his). I was jealous as hell! But, I was right. And I think that's what your H is afraid of... he's been there and knows how easy it is to slip into an EA, and he is worried/jealous.
Ok, here's my take. I was a WW. My DH was ALWAYS jealous, but then when he got sick (mental problems, he's getting it taken care of but slow going), I didn't cope. I had an EA. It started as confiding frustration and grew from there. DH found out. EA ended. We started working on us, but he fell back into the same old patterns that had frustrated me before. I confided in a MUTUAL friend..and another EA started. This time, I had almost completely checked out of the relationship. Without him saying or doing anything to end it, it ended on its own. I was still in my fog, but then woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to lose DH. I was curious about his texts with a female mutual friend, but didn't think anything of it, at first. I was ok with it before. But then I noticed he was talking to her more. I knew where it could lead because I had been there. I was, unfortunately, correct in my assessment. He had started an EA of his own. He didn't think I would care... which tells me he knew all along, but didn't know what to do to stop it (mine, not his). I was jealous as hell! But, I was right. And I think that's what your H is afraid of... he's been there and knows how easy it is to slip into an EA, and he is worried/jealous.
so basically, he thinks because he did it so will I? Even though I have proven that I wont. I wont say never. Never is a dangerous word. But I guess your point is that Im convicted before hand b/c he did it? Though I have had years of an appropriate friendship with this guy. Boundaries and all. Now that H has strayed, Im on the hotseat???
He is now very aware where this relationship can head, do yourself a favor and end contact with your ex
Believe me, if it comes to that I will definately do that. There is NO choice to be made between the two of them. I just dont get why suddenly he doesnt trust me? I havent done anything but be faithful and loyal to him. I have had opportunity to cheat. I chose not to. I would chose not to again. Even now. Maybe especially now. Because I know how it feels to be a BS.
so basically, he thinks because he did it so will I? Even though I have proven that I wont. I wont say never. Never is a dangerous word. But I guess your point is that Im convicted before hand b/c he did it? Though I have had years of an appropriate friendship with this guy. Boundaries and all. Now that H has strayed, Im on the hotseat???
It's not so much that you WILL... He's afraid. He's afraid you will do it too. My husband swore he would never do it either. In my case, my fear was correct. But in your husband's, it is not. He's afraid he will lose you. You said you are in counseling, right? Bring it up in the next session. See how it can be addressed.
I'm just of the opinion that being friends with an ex is a bad idea, the appearance of impropriety can be dangerous
Yeah, I know its not popular on TAM. And it hasnt appeared improper to him until now. I just was suprised at his sudden issue with him. If it really bothers him then it does. So I do think its more about feeling vulnerable right now. Like he worries he will try to exploit a weak spot. (he wouldnt) But I can understand why he might feel that way. Cant say it doesnt irritate me a bit b/c I have no interest in "T" and H knows that. I will address it with him and cut it off if need be. Is this pretty typical? For the WS who wasnt jealous before to suddenly become so?
It's not so much that you WILL... He's afraid. He's afraid you will do it too. My husband swore he would never do it either. In my case, my fear was correct. But in your husband's, it is not. He's afraid he will lose you. You said you are in counseling, right? Bring it up in the next session. See how it can be addressed.
No. We arent in MC-he is in IC. I did IC for several months when I first figured out the EA. Even before he admitted to it and for a few months afterward. He continues IC. And he is afraid. Admittedly so. I can understand that. I too feel that fear since seeing how easily he became involved with someone else. I think he was in denial about how easily these things can happen and now he thinks "wow, if I did it whats stopping her? I mean there he is right in her face" Not realistic but and emotional reaction.
No. We arent in MC-he is in IC. I did IC for several months when I first figured out the EA. Even before he admitted to it and for a few months afterward. He continues IC. And he is afraid. Admittedly so. I can understand that. I too feel that fear since seeing how easily he became involved with someone else. I think he was in denial about how easily these things can happen and now he thinks "wow, if I did it whats stopping her? I mean there he is right in her face" Not realistic but and emotional reaction.
BINGO! That's just it... "what's to stop her?" Now, IF, and that's a big IF, you can manage to go to one of his sessions (the next one, maybe?), if it's allowed, see if there is anything that can be done to get him over that fear. OBVIOUSLY, you are not responsible for his fears. He is. And you are not obligated to make him feel better. But it's driving you nuts. And if anything can get him to stop hounding you, because of his fears, ask his therapist what that might be.
BINGO! That's just it... "what's to stop her?" Now, IF, and that's a big IF, you can manage to go to one of his sessions (the next one, maybe?), if it's allowed, see if there is anything that can be done to get him over that fear. OBVIOUSLY, you are not responsible for his fears. He is. And you are not obligated to make him feel better. But it's driving you nuts. And if anything can get him to stop hounding you, because of his fears, ask his therapist what that might be.
Right. I mean a little jealousy is cute but wow lets not get crazy, right? In the past he's pretty much had NONE. So its way outta character. And I like I said a little that says " I care" is ok but lets not go hog wild here. Im not about to leave him for some guy Ive known(dated and said no thanks to)for all my life or for anyone else. IF I were to leave him it would be of my own accord and not FOR anyone. Thats not going to happen, BTW.
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WS' sudden jealousy?? 
