It just seems perfectly just to me, that a cheater taste the same.If I had cheated, i think i would have no reasonable expectation that i could bind my spouse to rules that I have already demonstrated I do not consider binding to me. The whole concept : I get to partake, you get to refrain(because, after all, you get to have wonderful me, while I had to settle for all the deprivation associated with having only little old you.) is an affront.
See, to me, a cheater is , by definition, a narcissist. He or she feels entitled to more than the rest of the mere peasantry.
I think the cheater needs to be brought down a peg, so as to make him or her a more tolerable person.
I am sure it is just me. But, I have never allowed someone to abuse me and go unscathed(unless there was a sincere apology).
If you intentionnally elbowed me in a game, at some point, you were getting undercut.
Then why didn't you try to reconcile with your wife, under false pretenses, so you could then turn around and have an RA of your own?
His wife, probably, would have been better off,felt better about herself, if she had walked away, like you did , Mori and I did.
But, the folks who feel what she did was , somehow , worse than what he did( I think shaggy posted this) cannot be considering the fact that a RA is, many times done out of pain and an altered state of conciousness.
And, the cheater who is then cheated on is not taken by surprise, as this type of response should be anticipated.
Nor does the first cheater question his worth as much, as he or she can look to their own cheating vs some innate deficiency as the cause of the RA.
In summary, the RA seems less egregious, maybe even justified, as there are myriad mitigating factors for a BS responding like this.
I don't know. I just don't know. There is nothing worse than sitting at home at night knowing she is out getting it on with some other guy while she tells me that she just has to figure it out for herself and I have to give it time.
She is not trying to figure anything out, she is having fun screwing another guy and getting back at you for your A. She is being vindictive. She knows how painful betrayal is and yet she rubs it in your face. She has no respect for you.
You are enabling her affair and this could go on for YEARS if you let it.
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How long would any of you let this go on for even if you were trying to do the right thing, letting her have a taste of the RA, before saying enough is enough.
About as long as it takes to say "GTFO of my house!".
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I mean really, she tells me that if I let it run it's course she'll get a chance to see his dark side which will help her get a clearer picture of what he is really like.
WRONG!
Affairs thrive in these situations because they are not real relationships. I know one woman who has been with her married other man off and on for 6 years now. His wife knows about it and he moves in with her about 9 or so times a year (they breakup about every 6 weeks).
True eff'n story.
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I guess I just don't understand that rational. It's almost like she's saying, "I need to find out for myself if he's better than you or not and then I'll let you know what my final decision is. Until then you be a good boy, watch the kids and treat me like a queen when I am home so I know that you're really interested in trying to make the marriage work".
This is what you need to understand: SHE IS NOT RATIONAL.
You can't use logic or reason with her, she runs on pure emotion and is acting narcissistic. She only cares about how she feels and her wants and you are just in the way (other than as backup/meal ticket). Your passive behavior is allowing this to continue and she is lying right to your face about her motives.
Stop making excuses for her and blaming yourself, what she is doing is wrong and its costing you your dignity.
You need to put you foot down and stop this NOW.
File for a divorce and move toward it like a freight train. If anything will end her affair is you trying to end the marriage. Only about half of people that file actually get a divorce so don't let that bother you (don't tell her that, she needs to be afraid of losing you forever). She disrespects you because you let her and that just breeds more disrespect. Its time to end that and the sooner the better.
OR
Ask her if its ok if you go have an A yourself while you wait on her. Might as well do something with your time...
Ouch.. *gets out the popcorn*
I just want to see if I got this straight. You have affairs, which you kept secret to I assume “protect her”. After being discovered, you withheld facts again “to protect her and spare her feelings”. So, she had to fill in the blanks.
So, you are discovering she didn’t reconcile at all or forgive. Wonder why? Sounds like you were the posterboy for reconciliation material... Well, take some small victory in at least knowing what is going on. That’s tons better than wondering around feeling something is off and not being able to get truthful answers.... I’m betting she’s even trying to recreate her mind movies (those blanks she had to fill in for you) to torment you.
Time to move on. You deeply damaged her, she’s now doing it to you. You haven’t learned the lesson yet. There are boundaries in a marriage; You create them and enforce them for yourself. You need to be strong. I doubt you are having ‘fun’. Isn’t one of your boundaries fidelity? Why aren’t you enforcing it beyond yourself? She’s stomped all over them and you are... what exactly? Begging and pleading? As you are sorely finding out, the only real power you have in any relationship is the power to end it. Just finally put this marriage out of its misery.... it does not have to continue for either of you.
Just to clarify my stance, he had an exit affair which is a different animal to what she is doing. He thought the marriage was over so figured he had nothing to lose and headed for a D. She is juggling 2 relationships at once and expects him just to put up with it with no intention of leaving. They are both bad and wrong but to me the motives are what’s important.
My W had an exit A, she moved out as soon as she realized what she was doing and had no intentional of coming back. This is the only reason I entertained an R with her. Had she been sleeping with other guys behind my back for fun I would have D her just out of principle.
She is trying to make 2 wrongs a right. It does seem that he may have rug swept his A and she resents him so much she want to torture him and hell, he may deserve it since we only hear his side of the story. I’m just giving him the benefit of the doubt. In my mind you never put up with blatant cheating no matter what the circumstances.
You ****ed up your life, she fuc*ked her life both of you thrown your marriage and children in the trash bin so both are not marriage materials.
Then about the present situation if you still want to R, then put your balls back in the sack, talk to her like a real man, then what to talk " we both fuc*ked up our life and marriage in the best way possible, enough is enough, i wish to salvage this marriage, do you want to salvage this marriage? i will give you 24 hrs time to decide"
After 24 hrs ask her what is her decision if she says Ok we can try a shot, then ask her to type the NC letter then and there, if she says she dont want this ****ty marriage or ask for more time or not ready to throw her OM under the bus, then tell her to fuc*k off from your life, see a lawyer and hand over the D papers on next day.
Do this only if you have any self respect or self worth left with you, else continue in the present limbo and pray to god for OM to get tired off her soon.
No, I respectfully disagree. Nothing needs to be taken into account.
Considerations and rationalizations only serve to sap the strength of resolve needed to endure a trial like this.
If he truly wants to save her and his marriage, he has to have the strength to walk away from it.
That's the key, the way to heal her is to motivate her to want to heal herself.
A couselor is not waking her up. She is not going to be guilted or cohersed into waking up. His actions gave her all the justification she will need to continue doing this, she is addicted now. Too late, Too deep, her conscience is not pulling her out of this and no speech from him or an counselor is going to snap her out of this. She has to do it, by her own choice. The only way that will happen is consequences, the consequence of losing her husband forever. No bluffing, no speeches and no ultimatums.
Want to fix this?, there is one way.... Don't try. Walk away. Then and only then will she have to make a choice, for herself, by herself. This must be put to the test and the only way he is going to do that is to tell her he loves her and how sorry he is for what has happened and walk away.
it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve
It won't be the end of the marriage / relationship, with enough strength it will be the beginning of a new relationship. I believe that sometimes you can get so far fvcked and so deep into crisis that you have to be willing to lose something forever in order to save it.
It just seems perfectly just to me, that a cheater taste the same.If I had cheated, i think i would have no reasonable expectation that i could bind my spouse to rules that I have already demonstrated I do not consider binding to me. The whole concept : I get to partake, you get to refrain(because, after all, you get to have wonderful me, while I had to settle for all the deprivation associated with having only little old you.) is an affront.
See, to me, a cheater is , by definition, a narcissist. He or she feels entitled to more than the rest of the mere peasantry.
I think the cheater needs to be brought down a peg, so as to make him or her a more tolerable person.
I am sure it is just me. But, I have never allowed someone to abuse me and go unscathed(unless there was a sincere apology).
If you intentionnally elbowed me in a game, at some point, you were getting undercut.
Hi Liam:
Even though, like you, I chose to not have a revenge affair.
Still, I really resonate with what your saying hear.
I am not sure a short lived revenge tryst is so wrong.
I read that one reason a person may have an affair is that they are selfish as well as passive aggressive and the affair is way to show the spouse that they can find someone to replace them.
Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and I am sure replacing a spouse can go both ways unless one spouse is a beast, which is not the case in most affairs.
In most affairs based on my research the affair partner is not as attractive as the spouse looks wise, morality wise and on almost every other level.
His wife, probably, would have been better off,felt better about herself, if she had walked away, like you did , Mori and I did.
But, the folks who feel what she did was , somehow , worse than what he did( I think shaggy posted this) cannot be considering the fact that a RA is, many times done out of pain and an altered state of conciousness.
And, the cheater who is then cheated on is not taken by surprise, as this type of response should be anticipated.
Nor does the first cheater question his worth as much, as he or she can look to their own cheating vs some innate deficiency as the cause of the RA.
In summary, the RA seems less egregious, maybe even justified, as there are myriad mitigating factors for a BS responding like this.
Well said.
This is why I chose not to have a revenge affair although my self esteem needed the ego boost I would have gotten from the attention the affair partner would have given me.
I chose not to do it, because it would not have the same impact because there was a reason my cheater husband could fathom.
With me, I was blind sided, and totally confused by his behavior because he never complained about any problems with me or our marriage. It was the opposite. He would brag about me and how I was a low maintenance wife and he would never find a better wife.
You left your wife for the OW. You're wife on the other hand is cuckolding you.
Good for her. This guy deserves it. He broke the rules of engagement. She did not.
I agree they should divorce. Once he found out about the affair she should have ended it to work on the marriage. She taught him his lesson and taught him empathy.
Continuing it is wrong, though.
Still, this guy asked to be cuckolded and he deserves it.
I smell a double standard here.
When I discovered my husband's cheating the first asinine thing he said to me was that other men did it and their wives forgave them.
There needs to be consequences.
Also, when the MC asked my cheater husband how he would feel if I had an affair, he practically jumped out of his chair and yelled I would not stand for it.
Good for her. This guy deserves it. He broke the rules of engagement. She did not.
I agree they should divorce. Once he found out about the affair she should have ended it to work on the marriage. She taught him his lesson and taught him empathy.
Continuing it is wrong, though.
Still, this guy asked to be cuckolded and he deserves it.
I smell a double standard here.
When I discovered my husband's cheating the first asinine thing he said to me was that other men did it and their wives forgave them.
There needs to be consequences.
Also, when the MC asked my cheater husband how he would feel if I had an affair, he practically jumped out of his chair and yelled I would not stand for it.
Sara8, my ex-wife was a jealous woman who would freak out if she saw another woman talking with me about the most business like matters you can imagine. She often told me she would divorce me if she found out I was cheating on her. Well lo and behold guess who turned out to be the cheater of the two?
According to a woman who is a mutual friend of ours, my filing and finalizing the divorce was more devastating to my ex-wife than if I had taken her offer to have a PA of my own - my ex-wife's words not mine. Granted that revenge was the last thing on my mind when I chose to end my marriage - my emotional healing was the reason for it - but it ended having the same effect as though I had planned for retribution. So the old saying "The best revenge is to live well" was very true in my case, perhaps it will be for you as well.
You left your wife for the OW. You're wife on the other hand is cuckolding you.
Yes, and she is perfectly justified in doing so. Sauce for the goose...
If this guy did not start this rock moving down the hill, this never would have happened. Now, he has to live with the consequences of what he set in motion.
He should divorce. You play, you pay.
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Re: Coping with wife's affair... 
