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Cheated on husband by kissing/"2nd base"

71K views 246 replies 77 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty. Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house.. Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself.. Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me... Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?
 
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#35 ·
Your husband is going to have a very hard time believing that you did not have sexual intercourse with the OM. I'm not sure if I believe you as well considering that those so-called flashbacks didn't appear after the first kiss, nor the second, and it progressed with you getting naked. A much more believable story is that you have been horny for him since he left to go back to work and that the alcohol and the charming guy both ignited your passion for sex and that before you knew it, you and the OM were fvcking each others brains out. A lie, maybe - I'm still not convinced that you didn't do the dirty deed - but one that he has more chance to recover from than the one you've told us here.
 
#36 ·
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty.
{{why??}}

Not that I can judge her at this point..
{{right!}}

Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless.
{{No. It wasn't}}

I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2.
{{Yeah. sure! Of course you were!}}
I think you knew the outcome of what you were doing. So, why did you do it? If you can answer that question, you might be able to work out your next steps...
 
#38 ·
Tina,
This whole thing is stupid. Alcohol is a natural stupidity accelerant. Do you see your mistakes here?

1. You are married. You have NO place in a bar with a single ****ty woman. No GNO's to bars when married.
2. You talked with and carried on inappropriate conversations with other men that were not your husband.
3. You brought said men to your marital home. BAD MISTAKE!
4. Your friend had sex with one of the men in your marital home. BAD MISTAKE!
5. You allowed some random guy to take your top off and feel/kiss/fondle your breasts and probably french kiss you. BAD MISTAKE!
You probably did go all the way or at least the guy probably got in your pants too but you are not admitting it.

Here is the moral of the story:

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes women horney. You drank, you met guys, you took them home, you became horney, you almost had sex. You and your friend are both s!utty. Get some boundaries and please tell your husband so he can make a decision to be with you or not while he is off BUSTING HIS ASS for your "marital" home. Just beyond belief...
 
#39 ·
Bingo MattMatt! Point made. I don't think I have an easy answer on my hands. If I can figure out every single reason for why I did that, I will be able to fix the problem I have on my hands.

Yeah I know moritori... I think my husband would accuse me of much more and would have a hard time believing me too. Thats one of the scary things about telling him. Why would he believe me? I'm no angel just because I kept my pants on. I don't know why it took my shirt coming off for me to stop it. F**k.. the more I think about it, the more I get mad at myself.
 
#53 ·
Yeah I know moritori... I think my husband would accuse me of much more and would have a hard time believing me too. Thats one of the scary things about telling him. Why would he believe me? I'm no angel just because I kept my pants on. I don't know why it took my shirt coming off for me to stop it. F**k.. the more I think about it, the more I get mad at myself.
Look, you are a woman, a sexual being, who misses her husband very much emotionally AND sexually. Then you go to a bar with your slvtty 'friend' and meet two men. One charms the crap out of you and you begin to respond to him and get sexually aroused. The fact that you are married doesn't mean you stop being a woman with all the attributes of a woman which includes sexual attraction for men. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that except when you take that attraction for other men and turn it into a reality - like you did. It's not rocket science.

Whether you tell your husband or not, you should consider what the other posters said about the possibility that the other people involved might out you accidentally or deliberately. If you believe they won't say anything and that you will never see them again, then an argument could be made that you don't tell your husband. My personal opinion is that you should confess to your husband so he can decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you. But that is your decision and nobody elses.
 
#40 ·
I've been on the receiving end of this a few time in situations such as yours and (I know from bitter experience) there is not much us guys can do when there is no rock solid smoking gun and your faced with bad gut feelings and:

"nothing happened, no nothing. I didn't touch him. He didn't touch me. We just hung out".

Like often the case, there is no smoking gun here. You can't be pregnant with his kid, you didn't catch an STD. Unless he took pics of you, the absolute worst case is that you are cornered with some kind of evidence and have to admit that he was in your house (this is VERY unlikely). in this case your story is that you knew it was wrong to have these guys in your house but it was all four of you, you were always together, and you only did it for your friend. They didn't stay long and nothing happened. you knew he'd be angry so you didn't mention it to him. simple.

People can say anything. His friends could say they saw you flirting or even leaving the bar with someone. Doesn't matter. Deny Deny Deny. Go on the offensive too. Get angry that he's accusing you. It can "look bad" but unless there is absolute proof, what can he do? Really. He doesn't want to believe you cheated.

People here get caught cheating because they write emails to lovers and get sloppy covering their tracks. They have texts on their phones from lovers. They write to their friends about their affairs. They talk about it on the phone and are overheard. They get pregnant or get an STD.
 
#43 ·
He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights.
And there's the root of the problem. Your husband needs to get acquainted with how important attention is to most women, to borrow beowulf's term, "attention is like crack".

If your husband doesn't amend his work schedule I see this happening yet again.
 
#47 ·
Thanks bandit. I've come to realize through this discussion that I seriously screwed up more than I originally thought. So job well done TAM you did squeeze some extra blook from this turnip lol. I will spend the rest of my day crying about what I have done...

I wish I could just talk to my husband right now. The fact that he hasn't been called me since Friday night before it happened really bothers me. His camp has no cell phone service and I have to wait for him to call me. Part of our marriage issue is that he doesn't keep in contact with me enough which is making my loneliness worse. He is supposed to call me at least every 2nd day and it's now on day 4 so I know I carry resentment on his less than routine phone calls to me. It doesn't mean I should cheat on him.. I think figuring out why I cheated will be like peeling an onion...
 
#56 ·
I have 2 weeks to decide when/how/if I will be telling him.. I certainly cannot tell him over the phone while he is at camp. I would have to do it F2F. I'm one of those people that cannot look you in the eyes and lie (whether or not anyone believes me is besides the point). The true test of this entire tell/not tell situation will be happening when he comes back home. The thought of losing him over this would be the end of the world. I have loved him from the moment I met him. I'm sooo sad by what I've done... Talk about feeling ashamed.
 
#58 ·
I really wish you the best in this situation,as I truly know how many of us make terrible choices in life and seek some kind of redemption.I guess that all depends on what we do after.Take care.
 
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#59 ·
What if your ****ty girlfriend tells other friends or acquaintances about what you've done?

Don't you think that's already happened?

You basically threw the guys out and ruined her fun AND it was your first time cheating on your husband. PRETTY JUICY NEWS. Hard to keep to yourself. Can you hear her now, next time she's out drinking with someone other than you? "Can you keep a secret? You'll never believe what Tina did!"

Nevermind the fact that she could let slip in front of your husband, maybe even on purpose if she's jealous of your so-called "great marriage" that she knows the real truth about.

Do you and your husband tell other people like your ****ty girlfriend about how "you tell each other every dirty secrect," "you are soulmates," etc.? Would this type of stuff make her, or ANYONE ELSE SHE MIGHT TELL, jealous?
 
#111 ·
:iagree:

I can't imagine this won't get to the husband eventually. Tina, think of this like life insurance risk. You can risk not telling him, and if he doesn't find out, win/win - like you didn't have to pay for the insurance, and nobody died. But if he finds out, and you didn't buy the policy (i.e. telling him what happened), you are totally screwed. If you tell him, the chance of marriage protection is much, much more likely.

So it's a probability game. What are the chances he finds out if you don't tell him? I think pretty damn good. So I would buy the policy and sit him down for a talk.
 
#62 ·
Ok jellybeans... I get it. You've mentioned the marital home bit a few times. No I didn't sleep with the guy. There was no rounding second and going for third base either.

And I didn't ruin anyone's night Will. I didn't even throw them out. It was a done as a simple no drama good bye at the wee hours of the morning. They will not cause me harm in future.
 
#69 ·
This is ridiculous. Tina if you believe that this will never get out, then you are being a fool. Your slvtty friend or one of those guys will get drunk , some night and start talking about you and how they played with your boobs. This is GOING to happen, even if you asked them not to, they are the type of people who have nothing to lose by spreading a little salaceous dirt, to spice up their evening. Your ONLY chance is if YOU are the one who tells him. You really effed up bad, but if you are a good wife and an honest person , then you know what to do. If you try running around getting people not to spill the beans on you and lying to your husband, then you are no better than your slvtty friend, are you?
 
#65 ·
Yes I have an excellent job. My husband and I both carry the financial weight pretty equally. If jellybeans wants to talk about the marital home again, I will note that I saved for years before we got together for the down payment on our house. I will work on my boundary issues JB, that is very clear to me as well...
 
#66 ·
You need to tell him. Period. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also, telling, regardless of how terrible the act you've done is, will carry weight, positive weight with him. At least it will show that you at least had the decency to own up to your choice and continue to be honest with him.
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