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Cheated on husband by kissing/"2nd base"

71K views 246 replies 77 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty. Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house.. Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself.. Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me... Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?
 
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#68 ·
Confess to your husband what happened. It will help in more than one way

1) He will be aware of what the job and distance is doing to the relationship.

2) You are having a moment of honesty. Next time, the guilt won't be as bad or you will learn to get away with it. Let him find out about it and stay cautious about what you can possibly do.

Other than the cheating not happening. the next best thing you could do is confessing to him. He might have to set up martial boundaries for both of you, which until now was something he trusted you with.
 
#70 ·
Besides whether you tell him you wrecked his mge or not---what do you intend to do about his absence due to work

Is their nothing you can do to fill the time. Do you not have other friends, do you not have hobbies, do you not have family---there have to be other things you can do

I will tell you, if you are making money at your job, then the 2 of you, if you are still married, need to adjust----your mge., will fail as it is now, he needs to be home, or he needs to see you/talk to you/contact you a lot more often---what just happened will happen AGAIN---if you do not force a change, people who are married are meant to be together!!!!!



As to your cheating----if you live in a very small population area, where your GF, and the 2 guys, are always around---you have problems, whether you wanna believe it or not----you are gonna be scared to go out and do normal things, for fear you will run into them, as has already been said---your GF, has probably told others what went down at your house, and even if YOU DID NOTHING, AND WERE COMPLETELY STRAIGHT, which you weren't---YOU MADE YOUR OWN HOME INTO A WH*REHOUSE, by allowing other strangers to come into your own house and have sex.----Did you check the area where they screwed each other, are you sure there are no tell tale stains from the other couple, in your house.

The other guys know you are alone 3 weeks of the month, what if they show up, some night drunk, and looking for action---don't try and tell me things like that don't happen----the guy who got your top off, already has it in his mind, he was part way home, and I promise you he is thinking about finishing what he started, and you by telling them, you are alone, and bringing them to your house, have opened yourself up to who knows what---IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!
 
#71 ·
Before you tell your Husband, read the threads on trickle truth. Your husband will get info from you but he will also tune into mind movies of his own. He'll relive versions of what you wore, makeup, perfume, discussions with your friend before you went. Flirting at the bar, how many times you've been there or played wingman. What your intentions were before you went. Whether you held hands and who approached who. What you talked about. Whether you walked home with them and held hands or had arms around each other. Where you were in the home, was music on, how long in the home, were you drinking in the home, how much, who moved in for the kiss, how the bra came off, whether his shirt was removed, whether you rubbed your bodies against each other. Whether he kissed you somewhere other than the head, the cheeks, the lips, whether he kissed you goodby. And on and on. Be prepared to spend the night somewhere when you tell him and remove breakables from the area where you tell him. Don't use words like "it was just" or "nothing really happened" or it was an "indiscretion". You cant say "it just happened" you made a choice and you need to tell him you made a bad choice. Minimizing things will maximize his mind movies. Trickle truth is gasoline on a fire.

He will find out. People talk.
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#92 ·
He'll relive versions of what you wore, makeup, perfume, discussions with your friend before you went. Flirting at the bar, how many times you've been there or played wingman. What your intentions were before you went. Whether you held hands and who approached who. What you talked about. Whether you walked home with them and held hands or had arms around each other. Where you were in the home, was music on, how long in the home, were you drinking in the home, how much, who moved in for the kiss, how the bra came off, whether his shirt was removed, whether you rubbed your bodies against each other. Whether he kissed you somewhere other than the head, the cheeks, the lips, whether he kissed you goodby. And on and on.
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This is important. Most of what JW describes here is what will be going on in his head. What I see is a warning against using the "one time drunken mistake" argument. A lot of thought went into this night out. You knew you were going to meet men. You knew you were going to be bait for your friend. You knew there would be a second that you'd have to entertain. And it was a LONG TIME before you got to your house that you know it was going to lead to physical contact, but you went willingly. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were going out to do some SERIOUS flirting. You knew the men would think they were going to get laid. You brought them home with that intent.

Everything went to plan. PERFECTLY. You just didn't anticipate the guilt. If you tell him, it's going to include a requirement for A LOT more detail of this night than you are giving us.

And I'm guessing this night wasn't on a whim. You're toxic friend has been trying to talk you into it for months, right? This wasn't a "one time drunken mistake". This was planned and your husband will know it.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I've got a special place in my gut for wives that go looking for strange at meat markets.
 
#72 ·
I am just going to say this, Tina...at least you came to your senses...which is a lot more than I can say for my fiancee or a lot of other peoples WS.

You stopped and I believe you stopped when you say you did.

You love your husband, I can tell that much. I wish mine had the same love for me that you have for him.

You made a mistake, but you are not doomed.
 
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#73 ·
you should tell your husband, bottom line you want a trusting marriage dont you? If so, be the trusting person and admit your mistakes. Let him decide how to react. The crime would be not telling him, and him finding out the truth for himself. He will be upset, but alteast you were the one to come clean, that show a bit of character. Character that you have lost by doing such a thing.

Also, your story is a bit confusing. You have a friend that you go out with and you know she is looking for a "a man, maybe 2"??? Secondly, you must have talked for quite awhile with these men, your marriage must have came up. Is it wrong to assume you let them in on your little "marriage life" and how you husband is away for long periods at a time? I mean if you disclose this, why would they invite them, or even push for it, to go back to your house for a night cap??? Also, during this whole talking, you getting lured into the idea of taking the man home, did it not ponder in your mind, "my loving husband, what would he think"??? To top it all off, the men left in the wee hours of the morning.... idk but seems like you guys were at the house for quite awhile, and I dont think talking much, since you had plenty of time at the bar for that.... JMHO...fishy
 
#74 · (Edited)
I believe you, fwiw. But I do not believe you are tackling this in your head completely yet.

Yes as others have pointed out, you have boundary issues and need to work on that, and I'm glad you see this.

Yes you need to decide on whether to tell him, or not. Clearly a big, big life-changing decision; I get that.

But here's the thing: You're not talking about addressing within yourself and with your hub about WHY you felt it was OK to even be in the bar, much less take these men home, or go about making out, or beginning to undress, or letting a stranger fondle you in your marital home... WHY the fact that you "love hubby to death" didn't come into play in the first place. What is it in your marriage - in addition to distance and loneliness - that isn't getting fulfilled? You know, now after the fact,that what you did was wrong. But you have not addressed why you wanted to do it, why you felt it worth the risk to go there, push the envelope, pushing further and further. Sorry but alcohol is not an excuse; you wanted to do this and allowed yourself to be in the situation because it is exciting and you're missing attention and sexual fulfillment. You thought about going further, part of you wanted to. You were sober enough to stop. Good.

If you can really reach down and grasp that there is something broken here that needs fixing, and can deciee to tackle that head-on, then you'll decide to TELL HIM, in the context of seeking help together to address a marriage that is at risk. Make the appointments youself for MC, IC, or both -- in addition to total honesty about what's been done, and what needs to get done moving forward to ensure neither one of you is at risk of destroying the marriage again. Because, as you will tell him, you want a marriage based on honesty, or no marriage at all. Not telling him would create a wall of dishonesty, and have you considering every new opportunity to add to it -- since you've done it before. And next time, it would go further. You "got away with it" once... and like other posters have said, people do talk. These things have the strangest ways of coming out into the open. You walk into this guy while out and about... or this "friend" of yours, who I am sure is the greatest risk to have loose lips (no pun intended), may "accidentally" say something or text something or FB post something that hubby sees and starts inquiring about... and now you have to decidee to continue the lie... and so on, and so on. You get my point.

Just my 2 cents.
 
#76 ·
Thanks again for the insights... Justwaiting, do you where can I find that trickletruth thread?

Lisa, thanks for kind words in your post. Feeling rather alone right now with no one to talk to about it so at least I'm getting all sorts of opinions, good and bad. I sure hope I'm not doomed, it's really scaring me at this point that I am.

Right now I'm thinking...Yes I should seek counselling. Serious counselling. I should have done this 6 months ago after I had my 2nd m/c. That is when I really feel like I started to unfold mentally especially since my husband was not there when it happened. Being the loving loyal person that I am, this event was out of my character but I do have some internal issues that I need to work through.. Clearly I see this. Wish I addressed this sooner before I made such a life changing mistake. 2xloser made some good points and like I mentioned in an earlier thread, this will be like peeling an onion. Too many layers that need to be revealed in this process.

Yes once I'm able to figure out everything on why this happened. I agree, I should confess to my husband about it. He's such a good man and didn't deserve the treatment of my behavior. He would never do the same back to me. His anger mgmt needs improving though which is part of the scariness of confessing. Good advice JW, remove the breakables... Be prepared to sleep somewhere else that night.. I will need to review more steps in the preparation of telling him. Be mentally prepared to tell all the truth and no minimizing. I think there are a lot of good resources on this website that I will help me get to the the confessing process.

Again thanks for the opinions..
 
#81 ·
Thanks again for the insights... I sure hope I'm not doomed, it's really scaring me at this point that I am.
I will say, as a betrayed spouse, that you still have a great shot of rectifying this mistake and your marriage. My wife did something similar to what you did, physically, the only difference being she developed an EA with him prior to that happening. Most people, including myself, if you were to ask this, "should x,y,z (EA, PA etc) occur, would you stay?" would answer, "absolutely not!" and say emphatically that should any cheating occur it would be an absolute deal-breaker, they'd kick the WS out, get on with their life etc etc...But then an A does happen and what do they do? They, of course, are extremely hurt, so put it lightly, but they find themself not leaving, but working through it and attempting to deal with it and save the marriage.

Of course often people leave, but more often than you might expect, people also stay and fight through it. I include myself in the latter group, even though I would have sworn during my engagement that were my wife to cheat I would have left. Simply put, as a BS, it's not so simple and the love the have/had for the WS is harder to quit than you think.

Now saying that, the biggest difference between those who stay and those who leave is....how the WS deals with the A, and this is where you actions, if you want to save your marriage, are CRUCIAL at this point. ask about Beowulf's story for an example, but when a WS admits to the A, stops it his/herself, and does all the heavy lifting for the next few years to help the BS spouse, only then do you have a good shot of saving your marriage. This is why, I believe, it is soooo important for you to voluntarily admit to your husband everything that happen. It might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it's necessary. Yes, he'll be vivid and crushed, but in the long run it will be a demonstration to him that you do care about him and you are genuinely sorry for what you did and you are doing everything to not do this again. It's also just the right thing to do.
 
#77 ·
To tell him would be cruel, you would just hurt him with no material gain. Better that you suffer in silence.

You do need to change something fundamental though, because the conditions of your life caused you to act in this way and will again unless you change them.
 
#78 ·
I have thought that too johnny. If I tell him, the only person that would feel better is me and I don't deserve to feel better about it. The only gain would be that he could make the decision to stay with me and improve our marriage or leave me and live the camp life as a single man..

The conditiions of my life must change. Never in a million years would I have myself pegged as a cheater. I bet there are millions women out there that turned to cheating due to the absense of their husbands.

..sigh... this is not going to be an easy process...
 
#84 ·
Fact is if you dont tell him you will be living a lie the rest of your life. Think about that. You will be living a continual lie. You will be lieing to your husband for the rest of your marriage. You will be disrespecting him your entire marriage. First, can you live with that? If you can then you should divorce yourself from your husband as you are not marriage material. Second, what happens (and it WILL happen) when this story gets out in ten years? Either you will be consumed by the guilt over that period and, unable to live with yourself anymore, confess to him what happened ten years after the fact (look for threads around here for examples of this) or your slvtty friend mentions years from now. If the latter happens and this comes out years from now...your husband will likely divorce you, unable to accept the years of your lying to him, on top of the reality of the actual event itself.

And yes the second part of your message is true. If you tell him he will be hurt and vivid, yes, but it will also be an opportunity for you and your husband to address some of the fundamental issues in your marriage that made your marriage vulnerable. A happen when marriage experience problems, often at least. This does NOT excuse your conduct, but it is a truth that needs recognition. By bringing the A 100% to light you are not only respecting him as an individual and husband, but you are also giving your marriage a real chance of flourishing in the long-term. You are 29. You are young, as is your marriage. It has many years left. Give your marriage a chance in the long-term to be the happiest and best marriage possible by dealing with the A and the various issues in your marraige NOW. Ten years looking back you'll be glad you did.
 
#79 ·
live the camp life as a single man..
What is "camp life"? Why are there no cell phones? I don't understand what job he's doing. Children's camp? Fat camp? Outward Bound?

I don't get why he isn't interested in finding a job that keeps him near his wife all the time instead of only 72 days a year. Why would he choose a job like that?
 
#86 ·
Could be a camp that is in natural resources...mining,oil,forestry etc. I know there are a lot of camps like this in my home country.As a lot of them are so far north workers are flown in and out on a regular rotation.It's a hard life especially for married folks,but the money is generally very good.
 
#80 ·
A few things "for the record", tina -

1) Many people here will of course beat you up for what you've done. Consider where you are, a forum of people who've been cheated on (myself included), and recognize where it's coming from. But I don't think you'll be "feeling better" if & when you tell him. It is going to be very, very painful for you both. You may get some "relief" about no longer carrying a secret, but it is going to start a very, very painful process...

2) My wife was one of those millions of women who turned to cheating due to my absence. So I (and many others here) speak from experience. We are divorcing over what she turned into more than a ONS thing because she DIDN'T do what you are doing now...she didn't stop herslef once she crossed the line. If she had, if she had come clean, told me what happened, and sought my help in solving our marital crisis, we'd have remained together. We are not, because she didn't stop it (she thought she could control it on her own). She regrets it, wishes she could un-do it all, but guess what? She can't. Don't go down that road, please.

3) If you can filter through and get past the bashing you'll endure here, some really, really terrific advice can come about from the wise people here. Really. You are actually not alone.
 
#82 ·
Hearing this story reminds me of something from reading "The Game" where they said it was easier to pick up married women in a lot of cases. They're bored, lonely and in most cases without options for sex partners. Whereas single women have their pick of anyone in the bar on any given night. Bored and lonely will always rationalize why they should have a little fun. Good luck. My vote is to tell him.
 
#87 ·
BTW, Tina, nobody is saying you should tell him, "cold turkey". You need to show to him what you are going to do , in the future, so that this can NEVER happen again, and tell him the concrete steps you are going to do to PROVE that you can be trusted. There is a very good website you should look into, called Marriage Builders, that will give you step-by-step instructions on how to disclose, in the most positive way. They have a very successful record of repairing marriages.
 
#88 ·
From my experiences and thoughts, I can say this:

If it was, as you say, a one time, drunken thing, was truly a one time error in judgement fueled by booze, I'm not sure I'd want to know. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. IF, and this is a big IF, the W was truly remorseful (near severe depression type remorseful about how this could hurt me and us), and took serious steps to make sure it never happened again (cut off toxic friend, realized her newly discovered weakness and took steps to make sure it couldn't happen again like refusing to ever talk to a guy at a bar again, never, under any circumstances allowing any man to cross the threashold of the house, etc), well then, I'd be fine not knowing.

If there was any more depth to it (you were looking for it, it was an EA that turned physical, this was not your first time, etc.) I would damn sure want to know.

This is a dangerous area. Once the fear of getting caught wears off, the excitement of this misadventure will possibly seem more appealing.

I'll also say this, while I would not "want" to know, if I felt something was "off" between us (and it may be impossible for you to hide...all it takes is him knowing you and your "looks" and how you carry yourself), I'd start digging. And if I found out about it, you can just BET the repercussions would be far worse after having learned you'd held this secret from me and lied to me about it. That does not show genuine remorse, regret, or honesty. If you were up front about it, gave me the "right between the eyes" truth, full truth, and nothing but, well, there would be a solid chance I'd get past it. It wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. I can tolerate a "mistake". I cannot tolerate lack of honesty and integrity in a marriage.

I can forgive a "mistake". The dishonesty is much harder to get past. Much, much harder than a simple drunken being felt up by someone.

Fact is, he may already know, or could know when he returns. If he had previous suspicions (no matter how unfounded), you have no idea what kind of actions he has already taken to ease his doubts. He could already have keylogger on the computer, and everything you've just typed to us can be remotely accessed by him. A voice activated recorder in the house he'll retrieve when he gets back. A friend watching the house. Or maybe this was a "snake test" he set up. You just never know. Even the smartest "he could never find out" cheaters get caught. You may already be an don't even realize it.

As for your friend, she's not a friend at all. A friend would not put you in that position. And she will have NO problem gossiping about it to her hubby / boyfriend / mutual girlfriends, etc. Your "secret" is only a secret so long as EVERYONE keeps their mouth shut (fat chance) and hubby never gets suspicious and starts digging (if he hasn't already).
 
#89 ·
And the two guys are high-fiving eachother for that guy even getting that far with you. The photos of you and your husband just added to his excitement.

You need a new friend. Stop drinking and confess. You're husband needs to decide if working closer to home is more important now. If it's even worth coming home at all. It should be his decision.
 
#95 ·
Thanks guys.. I get it 100%. I've come to realize exactly what caused me to stray.. You make it seem like I'm out on a vendetta to cheat but it wasn't even like that. You don't know me and this is just out of my character... Alcohol fueled the night and my choices were seriously poor. This past year has been packed full of loneliness, boredom, depression from multiple miscarriages and a lot of stress from work.. Yes I should seek some help and I will.
 
#101 ·
I know the advice you've received sounds harsh. It is supposed to be. Most of these folks have either been cheated on or where cheaters themselves. They know what they're talking about.

My advice, take up a hobby (that doesn't involve alcohol or men). Volunteer at a women's shelter or something. You need something worthwhile to take up your time while your husband's away. And seriously work on your boundaries. My wife read your story and as soon as she read where you were going out drinking with a girlfriend she said "uh oh." So, work on those boundaries. Treat every man as a potential threat to your marriage and be on your guard constantly.

And be completely transparent with your husband after you tell him. He's not going to trust you for a while. If you want your marriage to work, you'll just have to muscle through that period.

Not fun to read but that's the choice you made, alcohol or not.
 
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#96 ·
Quit blaming the alcohol. You are using it as an excuse. You did these things. Unless he gave you GHD you had your own free will the whole night.

You chose to go to the Bar, you chose to drink, you chose to take the guys to your house, you chose to kiss the guy, you chose to take your shirt and bra off and let him feel you up. THEN you chose to send him home. Why didn't the alcohol let you complete the act? Because it wasn't the alcohol.
 
#102 ·
Depends on how you play the game I guess. I always thought Major League Baseball rules were:
1st base = kissing
2nd base = anything involving bare boobs
3rd base = petting her pvssy
home run = he's in there!

Maybe there are different rules for different divisions? :D
 
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