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Cheated on husband by kissing/"2nd base"

71K views 246 replies 77 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty. Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house.. Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself.. Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me... Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?
 
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#232 ·
Probably not. My reasons are this:

He shut me out completely for that year leading up to my affairs. He was not supportive to my needs of communication. He would never answer my emails.. Would only call me every 3-5 days for short conversations of small talk. I was only allowed to have meaningful conversations with him every 3 weeks and even that was forced.

He decided to go to strip clubs on the night of coming home. I've also had run ins with cops due to his drunken behaviour. One included him driving drunk and they came looking for him.

To make long stories short, he's actually lucky I haven't divorced him for his wayward like nature. My affairs could have easily been deal breakers but he knew how many times I have stood by him. My actions were horrible but I own that. It's mine to fix and will try my best to help him. I honestly don't think he would be able to do the work that a wayward has to do to show remorse and make them a better person. I paid for all our counselling.. Read books.. Posted on forums.. Read through hours of links on the internet. I feel the pain of what I have done every day.
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#235 ·
Wow. From what you have written your husband is indeed lucky that you did not divorce him. You clearly went through a lot. Is your husband an alcoholic? My ex was an alcoholic and it was a complete nightmare in every way. I strongly believe that children should never grow up with an alcoholic parent.
 
#236 ·
So hiding infidelity is a bad idea?

Just kidding. I saw this thread pop up and read the first couple of pages and couldn't believe some of the crappy advice you were getting to hide it.

I guess you figured it out the extremely hard way. Marriage is communication. You knew this on some level when your H was not communicating with you, how much it was screwing with you.

I hope you guys can become good for each other. Sounds like you are some of the way there.

I appreciate your update to really emphasize the importance of coming clean to your spouse about cheating as well as everything else in life.

It is funny that someone would tell you to hide your cheating and just don't do it again, but they would also tell you to communicate problems you are having in your marriage.:scratchhead:

I think having another man being intimate with you is a pretty big problem!
Anyway, great info. Very generous of you to validate those who told you to fess up. I wasn't on TAM when you started your thread but I always tell folks to inform their spouse.

If nothing else, a BS deserves the knowledge of what has happened to their marriage and what could be a health risk.

Congrats on your kiddo! Hope you keep posting. Just have thick skin. There is a lot of good but hard and probing questioners on this forum. If anyone is just being an ass, just report them.
Hope the best for your family.:)
 
#246 ·
Yes some of that advice I received about hiding my cheating was horrible. It's exactly what a cheater wants to hear though. "Oh really? I shouldn't confess?? Oh please tell me more about why I need to bury that secret" perhaps that works for a small percentage of people but those are hypocrites that claim cheating is bad and they would never do it.. Lay on it thick.. Meanwhile they are serial cheaters in hiding. It took some guts for me to confess. My counsellor didn't push me into it but we talked our way through all the issues and she helped build up my strength.

Likely I will stick around a little bit and post when needed like when someone is wanting a WS response or if there is a WW that needs help.
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#237 ·
Your husband deserves to know you cheated on him.

Then, and only then, can he make his own decision as to whether you're worth his anguish and recurring mind movies that he will have to endure for the rest of his life.

He deserves to live the truth; not a lie. And right now, you're lying to him, by not telling him the truth.

Be honest and take your due medicine. You need it.
 
#241 ·
"I never had a formal std test but had numerous female exams while I was pregnant. My h knows I didn't have intercourse but he knows every detail of the physical side of my affairs."

If there was everything BUT intercourse, including oral, then it is every bit as bad as if you did have intercourse Tina.

You will get no sympathy from your BH simply because you denied POSOM's full sexual relations.

I don't know a single guy who would ever say something like,"Well at least she only su**ed his ****, that I can live with. But not intercourse."

And if you did indeed do everything BUT, your BH is going to always doubt if you really stopped it at that point.
 
#247 ·
Interesting how it all turned out.

Just remember Tina, even if you didn't have full on intercourse with those two dudes, giving them BJs and letting them do oral on you is sex...however you cut it it is all sex.

I'm a recovering alcoholic/binge drinker and I understand the hell your husband is putting you through. But if you can't get along then divorce him... don't cheat on him anymore. Quit lowering yourself.

Get into a local AlAnon group and build some relationships with other spouses of alcoholics to learn the coping skills you need to live with an alcoholic.
 
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