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Cheated on husband by kissing/"2nd base"

71K views 246 replies 77 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty. Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house.. Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself.. Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me... Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?
 
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#3 ·
It's up to you whether to tell or not but the worst thing about this entire story is that you betrayed him in his Own Home. In the Marital Home.

That is major.

I'm assuming people from the bar know you (know you're married). Know your husband. Know your friend. Know your neighbors. People talk. And if he finds out from anyone other than you, it's gonna be bad.

Oh and maybe some of your neighbors saw too.

It's also ironic?/interesting that you have called your friend "sl*tty."

Good luck.



 
#4 ·
Quit drinking, drop the friend, and hope hubby never finds out.

Then get yourself to counseling to find out why you have such low personal boundaries that would allow you to put yourself in that position.

If your husband is not meeting your needs, communicate with him about it. Quit taking the cowards way out by looking for validation elsewhere.

Get counseling now.

Is the friend married?
 
#5 ·
The first kiss was one thing, but then you kept going and let your top come off. You were set to go all the way until you chickened out.

Doesn't sound like you are that much in love with hubby, but are feeling guilt about having another man over in your husbands home.

What are you going to do when the friend brings it up accidentally, or when the guy drops by for more, or shows his friends where he scored with the married chick?

You need to tell your husband ASAP. Maybe he just might believe you when you tell him you didn't have full on sex. If you hide this, when he does find out, maybe from a neighbor, he will not believe you and will assume this is one of many times and you just got caught the one time

Coming fully clean now is the only way to pull this out of the toilet.
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#7 ·
Tell him. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him that your marriage is in trouble because he is never home...a year is far too long for this, especially since he says he'll look for a new job but never does.

Also consider whether he might have done some cheating on you while he's been gone. There must be a reason he is so dead-set on keeping that job, and maybe that's someone else.
 
#11 ·
Tina, you need to tell him and tell him quickly. You started this in a public place and then took him to your home? Have you any idea how many people already know, or will soon find out? If he learns of this from somebody else, it doesn't matter who, then your chances are really bad for recovery. Your only good chance is to tell him ASAP, and then make damn sure you NEVER contact the other guy EVER again.
 
#14 ·
Just ask yourself, would he be more hurt if you told him or if he finds out from someone else? Once your past that ask yourself, if ur husband did the exact same thing, would you want to know and how would you want to find out? Whatever you decide, I'm glad you stopped yourself and hopefully you never again put yourself into these 'perfect storm' situations that can end up ruining marriages. Good luck!
 
#15 ·
Yes you guys all make seriously valid points and I appreciate the brutal honesty. You're right Sam, I should not be hanging out at the bar without my husband.

Having guys at my house that I share with my husband is a horrible thing to do.. Luckily jellybeans is wrong about one thing... No one knows me at the bar and neighbors didn't see anything. Yes it's very ironic that I called her ****ty when I was just as ****ty that night!! I am ashamed, that's for sure.
Agreed bandit, I should seek counselling. I already knew that having 2 m/c has messed me up mentally and with having my husband away all the time is proving to be a bigger issue than I ever thought it would be. I was being very supportive up until the weekend when I screwed up...
Snap, I don't have any lines rehearsed for my husband. I'm far too afraid of his reactions to figure out how I would tell him. It's not like it would be easy to bring up in conversation especially over the phone when he's out of town. I would have to wait until hes back. I might have to go with SadsamIam and be the loving wife for the rest of my life and learn from my mistakes...

I wish I could take back that night..
 
#17 ·
You never said what happened after.Did you allow them to remain?The fact that you went to the bar with a GF to be her wingman sounds kinda sketchy.She obviously doesn't have problems picking up guys on her own if her reputation is accurate.Sounds like you have very poor boundaries.Your husband deserves to know and BTW I'm pretty sure he must get lonely himself up in the camps,but he does it to put food on the table and a roof over your heads.You need to make better use of your time and quit hanging around with people who are toxic to your relationship.Good luck.
 
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#18 ·
Yes TBT you're right... Oh to finish the story, the guys left within 5-10 minutes after I put my shirt on. Although I'm not specifically aware of the timeframe, I was far too drunk by that point and not paying attention to the clock. Before they left, the guy asked me if I wanted his number and I said no I don't.
 
#20 · (Edited)
Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month.

Not good.


I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty.

A very poor choice. Inappropriate at the least. perhpas u faithful if this is against your spouses wishes. This was a conscious choice to act single.

Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless.

This is in no way harmless. You are hanging out and were picked by some guys. Unfaithful -- check

I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2.

You were her wing woman and put yourself out there for the attention that this would bring you.

Well many drinks later,

Some multiple bad moves already.

Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house..

More unfaithfulness. Your husband is oslated from you and you brought back other men to your home for further activities. This was the absolute green light that you were available to them. I actually think this is past unfaithful and would consider picking up guys and bringin them home to be cheating. This was not the first bad move. The first bad move was going out to the bar with the woman to begin with.

Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself..

You enjoyed the attention so youn played just the tip. Your intent at this point is to take this so far but you have already decided your hubby is gone and you will just blame this on him and the fact you were drinking.

Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back

Ok so now you are in a sexual relationship with a guy you oicked up at a bar. Cheating for sure now. Forget the risk at this point of being raped.

Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me...

Speaks for itself. This is how just the tip goes.


Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?
Sorry, you have already damaged the marriage by your infidelity. Whether you tell your husband or not. Plus to be honest you will do this again next week. This is how this works. You have some very poor boundaries. You will tell yourself that will not happen again but you will go out again and pickup some other guys or these same guys and take it further next time. Congratulations that you did not bang them.

What is my point. You can either turn this around or not. I am for telling your husband but I know most people think you should keep it to your self.
 
#22 ·
How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you did to him? I am sure he is lonely and missing you as well. You absolutely need to tell him. Your marriage is based either on honesty and respect or lies and betrayal. You need to tell your husband or you are still betraying him by not telling him the truth and making him look like a fool.

In all honesty, what in the world would tell you that it was right to bring strange men into your home. This is your husband's home as well is it not? Would your husband bring other women to your home if you were not present to kiss and fool around with? You have some really serious problems. What did you really expect to happen bringing strange men then picked you up at a bar after drinking to your home? Be honest and confess to your husband. This is the very least you owe your husband.
 
#23 ·
In all honesty, what in the world would tell you that it was right to bring strange men into your home. This is your husband's home as well is it not? Would your husband bring other women to your home if you were not present to kiss and fool around with? You have some really serious problems.
This is the thing that is the most insane to me.

Like, when is it ever ok to bring strange men back to your marital home? That you just met. In a bar. To your marital home. Does not compute.

I've heard of bad boundaries but that right there takes the cake. :/



 
#24 ·
Thank you for all the cyber smacks across the head like I deserve... Talk about me needing a serious reality check. The entire night from start to finish should not have happened. I just have no idea how I would bring it up to my husband. I want to erase the memory and be a good wifey again..
 
#25 ·
Great friend you got there. She didn't have any problem with you bringing another guy home and cheating on your husband while she banged the other guy in another room.

She must think pretty highly of you and your husband. She knew you were hooking up and had no problem with it, and didn't even suggest you think about it.

So I bet she now knows you are just like her, she will likely be offended when you dump her out of your life, which you should btw, because next time she will help you get over your moment of guilt. She might also drop the bomb on your husband, or even go after him herself.
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#28 ·
We all make choices in our journey called life. Those choices define who we are and what we will become in the future.

You made a few choices last week that will change your life forever == now you have to make another choice -- about telling you husband or not. Whatever you choose, that choice will define who you are and will become even more.

Good luck !!
 
#31 ·
Normally yes Shaggy he would notice but I've been acting weird for months and I've been begging him to get a different job because I can barely handle his absense anymore. I really didn't think it would lead to all this. Apparently, I had more going sub-consciously because I didn't think it would cause me to cheat on him. I feel like such a douche bag and he doesn't deserve what I did. If I can figure out a way to tell him, I will. We never keep secrets. We know every dirty secret about each other until now. Man I've really done it now. I wish I thought about the big picture before I have to figure out a solution... I appreciate everyone's insight, even if I don't like hearing it. It's all valid points and I'm not offended.. Thanks guys.
 
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