D-day Nov. 9 2011 EA/PA a guy she met on FB
April to May 2010 EA (very sexual) a guy she met on FB
1999 to early 2000 internet sex with four guys (England, Canada, etc. not local) and a A that she denies never went sexual with a guy she moved in with for one night, left me with our two young children and prior to that drove around in his pick up truck drinking beer several times.
Since October 2011 I live away from my family during the week and come home on weekends due to a promotion. We are trying to buy a second home so we can be together and it is taking longer then expected and I am frustrated.
I am in R.
Sorry for this but I just got off the phone with my BIL. He is a pastor and is very insightful. He told me that when I was in Iraq and training for that mission from September 2008 till October 2009 that he and other family members (my wife has a younger brother, two older brothers {all pastors} and two older sisters) that my wife cut off her family. I know that to be true. My wife gave me the spin that her family did not care that I was going away and was not supporting her.
Anyway, my BIL told me just 1/2 hour ago that they all suspect that my wife was cheating on me while I was in Iraq based upon her behavior. I do not see it. Whenever I contacted my wife via phone, chat, email, she responded quickly. Not like she did when she was having her A's that I know about. When my wife was involved in her A's she was not available. Behaviors like, not having her phone on, being cold, saying she needed space, etc. were not present at all during my deployment.
My wife's family is saying that they think she cheated on me. She basically had two nervous breakdowns when I was deployed and according to her due to me being killed at any moment. When I got back from Iraq and released to go home, my wife and I got a hotel room. She had candles, special music, special clothes, etc. When we finally got naked, I had E.D. Never had it before. I was mentally ready for sex. But the equipment did not work. I got severe pains down there. I ended up in the E.R., got all the tests. Nothing. Doctor prescribes viagra and everything works fine. In fact my wife has to tell me to stop after hours of sex as she is getting too sore. So within about two hours of the problem I am back to being able to perform.
FF-one of the excuses that my wife has use for her A is that I was not passionate the first night after I came home from combat. Fact is I was "fixed" and could perform within hours of the equipment not working and she had to tell me to stop.
My BIL is telling me that he thinks that my wife , feels guilty. That because I could not perform right away that she is projecting her guilt on me and using that as an excuse. E.g. he had E.D. and I don't care that he fixed it within hours, I will use this to cover up my guilt for cheating on him while he was away in Iraq. My BIL is saying that this does not make sense that years after my E.D. moment that she brings it up when in fact within hours things were OK. That a normal person would say, yes it was a problem at first but he got it fixed and things worked out fine. My BIL is saying that her response does not make sense and the fact that my wife has brought it up several times does not make sense.
I have no proof of her having an A while I was deployed. I have no gut feeling that she did. I have no suspicions that she did other then her family saying something was not right here. Her family is saying that she did it before (about 9 years prior) and then after (2010 and 2011) and they are saying it does not make sense that while you were away that she did not since she was free to really exploit her addiction.
Honestly, I don't know. I am not in a right frame of mind right now. I really do not care.
This past weekend was the best we have had since D-day and my wife really opened up to me about her issues. She is honestly owning some stuff that she never admitted to owning before and I believe it is because she is in IC and is starting to come to terms with her problems.
This sucks because I can't be with her during the week. The second house we were going to buy has died due to my ignorance of the VA loan process and we should have moved into it in early April but it is dead. Now we are looking at other houses and it only adds to my misery and more delays.
R is hard enough but add not being around during the week and my mind goes everywhere.
I do have my drinking and anger under control but this crap is still so tough.
Some (not all) of the best folks on TAM who were helping me are gone. We talked on PM and I gave some advice on were to get help and what type of therapy they or their loved ones and they are seeking that help, but they are no longer available as they are seeking therapy.
Look, I am a combat soldier, over 38 years in the military. I have an advance degree and do counseling as a profession. I am very good at what I do, but I am broken. I am in IC and am seeing a psychiatrist (something I would have never done in the past). My wife's A had torn me apart. Not even seeing soldiers killed or any other job I have done (trauma chaplain) has ripped me like this has. I was a freaken tough guy and I am broken.
None of this makes sense to me. Tell me that my wife did not cheat on me while I was deployed. I know the signs. I have not seen them nor do I when I look back.
But I know better then to rely on my own thoughts. I was wrong before.
Part of me wants to take my bronze star, combat action badge and all my other military stuff and throw them into a sewer, because they don't mean a damn thing to me right now.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
In all honesty I would expect that with your training in counseling, your experience with your wife's other affairs, and your time here you are vastly more prepared to evaluate the likely hood that she cheated during that period than your pastor BIL. On top of that I would think you would be more paranoid not less given recent events. I say trust your own instinct here and don't borrow any more trouble.
Thorburn, you know I'm a "newbie". You say your gut says she didn't. We always say here...trust your gut. Perhaps she did, perhaps she didn't. You know she had a few EA, and at least one PA. It's possible the family is trying to start something... I don't know. If it were me, I'd probably work under the assumption that she DIDN'T... unless/until evidence to the contrary is found. But that's me.
Praying for you my man. I spent 5 years working long distance from my wife and kids, and it's tough for a number of reasons. The hardest is the being lonely.... I started hanging out with one of my employees, and living the party life with him, drinking every night. Not a good thing for sure.
Thing is, with things going the way you have talked about in your posts, I believe your wife would have told you about a past affair. Things are going much better for you, and this is a major road bump causing you to trigger.
On your service- My BIL spent a tour as a medic over there.... From his stories, if you got medals, dude, you deserve them. There are guys you fought with that I'm sure thank their lucky stars every day that you were there.
Not sure how you deal with the triggers, but this sounds like the mother "f"er of them, and with not turning to the alcohol, it seems harder to face.
Why is your BIL coming to you with this info now, and not back in November 2011 when all the sh*t was going down?
I don't get it. Is he pissed at your wife for something and wants to make waves?
Sigh.... I don't know Thor, part of me wants to say I wish you would have walked away from the whole lot of them six months ago, moved to Alaska and become a fish packer.
I would assume I do not know the full truth and have no way of getting it. I would not assume she had an affair just because of your brother-in-law's suspicions. I also would not rule it out.
Cheaters rarely confess the entire truth.
Was there any affair that your wife did confess to on her own, or did she only confess when confronted with evidence?
I guess you could try the polygraph if you feel strongly about it.
You know she was a serial cheater and very unfaithful in the past. If you feel you are making excellent progress with your wife now, does it really matter if she had one affair more or less in the past? Would any affair she had during that time frame be any different than anything you already found out about her other affairs?
I would just drop it for now and not let it ruin the progress you're making in fixing your marriage. If she is making personal progress with counseling, maybe she really will come clean about all of her affairs and details at some point in the future.
Thanks. My gut says she did not. I do not see any signs. But the way she cut off her family during this time does not make sense. My wife was always close to her family. Stories I have heard from her family was she went off on her oldest brother and one sister right after I deployed. It does not make sense I supported my wife during this time and listened to her and when i got back I followed her lead with her family. She basically cut off contact with most (not all) her family. Maybe they feel hurt and are just thinking that the reason she treated them badly was she was in her A mode. I don't know,
My gut is telling me that she did not cheat during this time. But again I have not always been tuned in to the signs. I still do not see the signs during this time. She was always available and in tune to what i was doing. But, I am open to what others say. My BIL has been correct in his past observations about my wife's A. So I do take what he says as important. He has been dead on when I was not.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
I've been there too and I've seen what the military lifestyle does to marriages. The thing is, it takes a very special woman to be a military wife. The marry the service member and they have their "Knight in shining Armour" in the form of a military uniform. They realize that deployments happen and that they can be gone anywhere from 6 months to over a year! But, what they don't realize is the work ups to these deployments. The weeks and months away prior to the deployment. Military members are gone a lot and the spouses don't truely realize what they've gotten themselves into.
I say just ignore the BIL for now. Sounds like there are some family politics going on right now. Stay out of it.
Sorry you lost the deal on your house, and sorry your sorry-a*s agent and loan officer didn't do their due diligence in making sure your were 100% qualified for the mortgage. Thor, thats their job!!!
Hope to God you didn't pay those chumps a fee. Did you get your earnest money back?
I think that you should trust your gut for now. Just like when something isn't right, it's usually true. Same thing-only reverse. Why is your BIL just now contacting you? Is that odd? I don't quit understand that honestly?
I'm sorry this is not good timing. Think back to the weekend and the great and positive strides you and wife made. Don't let this rob that from you. Posted via Mobile Device
You say your brother in law was always correct about your wife's previous affairs when you did not see it. Why should he be wrong now? He has an excellent track record.
The fact that she would call you back quickly when you called means absolutely nothing. What does it take to tell her lover to be quiet when she returns your call?
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