7 Years ago I met a girl on the internet and pretty much fell in love with her. I was from England and she was from Australia, she had one baby boy aged 2 from a failing marriage. We had chatted online, exchanged photos and called each other almost every day. About 6-7 months down the track I made one of the biggest decisions of my life, all in the name of love. I packed up my life in England and moved to Australia to be with the girl of my dreams and the little boy who so desperatley needed someone there for him. I remember every moment of meeting Jane at the airport that morning, she was more attractive than I had imagined even though we had exchanged many photos of each other. I could barely look at her I was that shy, which is unlike me because I am usally very confident.
Within 6 months we were married and I was very much totally head over heels in love and she said she was with me aswell. I had found a full time job within a year and was now supporting a family, with a child on the way!. Life could not get any better than this, I felt I had found my reason for living and at the centre of it was Jane (my wife). After my daughter was born things were still going good between me and Jane or so I thought. I had my hobbies which was PC building and graphics design and Jane had things that she enjoyed doing mostly involving the kids or myself, life seemed settled and happy.
I think it was about a year and half later I discovered that Jane had been having inapropriate coversations with a guy she had known from England on the internet and had been on webcam for him just talking nothing else, however I found it more hurtful she denied it when I asked if she had been on webcam even though she didnt do anything inappropriate on it. I suspected that something was not right as she was spending alot of time talking to the guy, at this point I decided to put a keylogger on the computer just to see if I had anything to worry about. Sadly my suspicions were correct. When I confronted her with the information she told me it was because this guy was giving her more attention than I was. I pretty much disregarded this as no excuse to do things behind my back. She then promised she would never do it again and we both agreed it was all silly.
The second involvement with a guy on the internet came about 2 years after the first incident. He was a young guy from Ireland and once again suspicions were raised and I took it upon myself to find out what was going on. This time Jane was going on webcam with this guy and having inappriate coversations behind my back. When I confronted her about the infidelity she flatly denied anything was going on. To save argument I let her get on with it as I felt it would fizzle out on its own accord and she would realise herself what she was doing was wrong. As you can imagine I was very hurt by her cheating ways and thats when I started on the road of mistrust and paranoia.
Instead of trying to fix the problems between us I went down the road of thinking I could prevent it before it happend by putting keyloggers on the computer. At this point I still thought Jane was a good christian girl who was just a little too flirtatious online at times talking to men. I accepted that and never thought that she would do anything physical with a guy behind my back. At some point something happend that made me think that if Jane was capable of having affairs of the heart with guys on the internet then what would be stopping her from doing it in real life if the oppertunity prsented itself (baring in mind she did have one affair that I know of in her previous marriage). Even though we always said we loved each other and she said she would never cheat on me I still had suspicons of the young guys she worked with.
Without my knowlege about six months ago according to her she had started talking and texting a 27 year old guy behind my back. She being 33 and still very attractive, what some would refer to as a yummy mummy or a MILF with one 8 year old boy(previous marriage) and one 5 year old girl(my own) this guy obviously wanted only one thing. About a month ago late one night I put my wifes dressing gown on to go for a drink and smoke and found her phone in one of the pocket with a text message saying "Goodnight " . I didnt know the number and my heart started racing wondering who it could be, I was going to wait until morning to confront her about it but she was still partially awake so I entered the bedroom and asked her. She pretended to be sleepy at first and said what am I going on about, then I started getting upset and asked her several time to tell me whats going on. Eventually she sat up and told me I already knew who it was!. A guy at work by the name of (not real name) Richard.
About 2 week prior I had asked her if anything was going on at work because she had been spending alot of time out apparently walking or shopping and on several occasions she was not answering her phone and going to the toilet more often than normal all of which set alarm bells off in my head. She told me that she had been going round Richards house while I was at work or looking after the kids and a kiss had occurred between them, nothing more nothing less. I was shaking, I thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest when she told me but I wanted to know more I wasnt buying into the whole single kiss business. She denied anything sexual happend with the guy and swore on our childrens lives that it was just a kiss nothing more and was very sorry.
As you can imagine I was an emotional wreck I didnt know what to do, I had no family over in Australia to turn to, no where to go, I was at my most desperate and the one person who I always turned to betrayed me. I took off in the car that night and pulled up into a layby completely not thinking straight. I knew in my mind Jane was hiding facts about what had gone on with this Richard guy. I wanted to know everything, I wanted her to tell me everything, I wanted to tell her I loved her no matter what, everything on the table there and then so we could sort it out!. I was still in love with her and the pain I was feeling then was nothing comapaired to the pain that was to come.
Morning came and I returned to the house hoping I could talk to her, she had gone down her mothers with the kids, out of hurt I had told her the marriage was over and we needed to talk. She came back and said she was staying at her moms until I had calmed down, after afew heated words on both sides and no remorse from her, she left. In a fit of rage and not thinking about anything other than wanting to confront this guy I went to her workplace and looked for him, I know I was on camera in the store but didnt care, I told one of the supervisors to pass a message on to the guy, I said words to the effect of I know what hes done and that he was a marked man.
I'm not sure how long it was I think about two days later I pleaded and completly sobbed and humbled myself to Jane on the phone for her to tell me whats gone on, what she was hiding from me, telling her I loved her no matter what, that I worshiped the ground she walked on, and everything could be worked out, I would give her more attention. She was cold as ice on the phone and I could hardly talk. I turned my phone off and took out all the tablets in the medicine cabinet and layed them on the floor. I remember walking into the kitchen one last time to get water to down all the tablets. Then thoughts of my family back home came to me, so I decided to leave a message for them saying how much I loved them and what had happend and to basically say my goodbyes, while typing and sobbing I then turned my phone back on and I had one missed call from Jane and text messages asking me to phone her. I did and cant remember the convosation however my mind told me at the time I had two options. Kill myself or return home back to England to be with my family. I fell asleep and come morning I had it in my head I had to leave the country for my own sanity
and have no contact.
Time passed I told Jane what my plan was, she understood but pleaded with me to reconsider. She told me then what had happend with this guy. She had slept with him on their first meeting at his house. I wanted to know everything so I pressed for information, she told me that it was a friend with benefits. According to her, he used a condom, they only had straight sex once, and everything else after that at every meeting was oral sex. I should point out she did something during oral sex with him she didn't do with me and said it was because he drank lost of pineapple juice, Im sure you can figure it out. I kept pressing and pressing for information from her as things did not add up and still don't, however she said she had no feelings for the guy other than friendship and there was nothing else to be told and nothing else was going on with him.
Last week I found out she had not ended communcation with this guy even though she said she had. There is so much more to tell, however throughout the whole pleading with her, crying myself to sleep, the uppers and downers, telling her its over, almost topping myself, her telling me she wants to work things out and that she doesn't want to not have me in her life, telling me she wants time apart, me telling her I need time apart, she was still talking to this guy.
I have been humiliated, hung, drawn and quartered. Did I deserve this? was I that bad?, she said she did it for the attention from the other guy, the attention that I wasn't showing her. She said she believed whole heartedly I never loved her. I'm in a very dark place right now in my mind, as selfish as it may be I attempted suicide two nights ago because of the pain and grief. I realised now it was not the solution to my problems and has only created more.
We are now living together again and my emotions are still up and down as to how I feel. One minute I feel I can forgive her, the next I'm sickend to hell. Friends of mine have said I can do much better than her and I should just go ahead and divorce. But I dont wish to without trying to fix things, I still love her. Can someone give me constructive advice please?.
From your story it appears she has no remorse and is not committed to the marriage and you are simply the fallback person so she can have her Cake.
If she wants to save the marriage she needs to quit her job with Richard and commit to the marriage. Otherwise, you will continue to be in this state.
1. You need to do the 180.
2. Prepare to Divorce, get finances in order, seperate money, etc.
3. Unless she starts doing the work to save the marriage, it is over and you are only fooling yourself.
Sam, so sorry you are dealing with this nightmare! In a way I can kinda relate to you, you have given up your life to live a life with a woman who you thought was the missing peice in your life.
Why did she move back into the home from her parents? Are you guys planning to work on R? Has she quit her job and gone NC with OP? If I read correctly she has not.
There is not much options you have: either you stay in a relationship with this woman who has blatantly lied and cheated on you numerous times. Or you remove yourself from her, either still living in Aus. to be with your children or move back to England to be with you family. Its a tough pill to swallow and take time to make this life altering decision. But the bottom line is, you are too emotional to keep going through these ups and downs and must make a plan of action soon.
Divorce her. She is a serial cheater with the same pattern over and over. Once you where they guy she cheated with, now you are the husband she cheats on.
She is still the same person, and she is still in the affair even if she is living back in the same home with you.
Her first husband escaped her lies and divorced her, you should talk to him and learn from his leadership. Run forest run.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this terrible situation, I'm a BS also, so I understand what you are going through. You ask for constructive advice, and I certainly hope you are willing to listen to what people will tell you in this thread.
There are several steps you can take that will help you deal with your situation. The first and most important step is to seek out and consult with a psychologist that specializes in infidelity. Given the circumstances, I think you could benefit from seeing that type of counselor twice a week for the foreseeable future.
To me it seems as if you have thus far not properly established and communicated healthy boundaries to Jess. Your responses to the last few EA's (emotional affairs) that she had communicated to her that there would be no real consequences to her inappropriate behavior, so she had no reason to respect your relationship.
As mentioned by another response in this thread, Jess seems content with the idea that she can have her "exciting" EA/PA's and still have the loving and dedicated husband waiting for her at home. She is secure in the knowledge that you will "roll over and beg" and wait for her flings to end. She will continue to act in this way, and will escalate what she does, so long as she feels that her comfortable, stable, loving home life will never be threatened.
She will never take you seriously or respect you if you do not put some meaningful effort into communicating to her that you will not put up with her behavior. You have already been given the best advice about how to do this. You need to consult with an attorney to find out what your rights and responsibilities will be if you choose to divorce. Begin taking good care of yourself, exercise, diet, see a counselor, and once you are a bit more put together, file for divorce. It takes a while for divorce to be finalized, and the severity of such an act from you may just jar her out of the "affair fog" that she is in.
I believe my post in your other thread was something along these lines:
Your relationship started on shaky ground. She had some sort of problems in her marriage--and she didn't choose to go to counseling or to ask for a divorce from her husband like a mature adult. You entered into the relationship with a big commitment after not knowing her for very long. You thought you were saving her and that you would be enough.
You are now discovering that she needs saving on a daily basis from multiple men. One man (you) cannot save her. You are likely a devoted, loyal partner to her who has done more than your fair share to help in all the ways a loyal partner should. She has rewarded that loyalty by doing the same thing with others that she did with you at the start of your relationship--find someone over the Internet to bond with BEFORE fixing or ending the relationship she's actually in.
She has likely always had multiple men over the Internet to whom she has turned. You've found some of them. But I suspect there are more and that this is a powerful addiction/compulsion for her. It's her escape from reality--no different than alcohol or drugs to her.
The pattern is horribly obvious.
Real life partner = never good enough and not worth the energy or effort; dreary conversations about responsibilities, sharing, fairness; diverting the focus from her favorite topic, herself
Fake internet relationships = no criticism, lots of affirmation and validation, lots and lots of fun; constant immersion in her favorite topic, herself
----------------------
She is clearly a broken person. She may have serious psychological issues that aren't apparent on the surface and instead manifest themselves in this self-destructive behavior.
She desperately needs excellent counseling to uncover the huge holes in her heart. You can see for yourself--you pour love in and it pours right out.
You cannot fix her. Possibly, nothing can or will. Your best shot is a counselor who is experienced in sex / porn / internet addiction. I know it will seem odd to look for a counselor in those fields, but they understand the compulsion, the addiction, and they know better than an ordinary counselor how to dig out WHY she keeps throwing herself into these fantasies.
Serial cheaters are not fixable until they get too old and lose their sex drive.
She is likely sex addicted, IMO.
This woman sounds like my cheater husband's OW. She lied and lied to her own husband and swore on her kids too. she is serial cheater and also uses the term inappropriate relationship when she really mean full out sex.
Anyone who swears on their kids does not taking the swearing seriously. I never swear on anyone I love. It's just wrong.
You can do better.
I suspect my cheater husband is a serial cheater. Now that I know the red flags, they were there my entire marriage. I was too naive about cheating to notice them.
In any case, I have filed for divorce. Sounds like you should, too.
What are you losing, anyway. This spouse is disrespectful, selfish, and a veteran cheat and liar.
I'm not sure how long it was I think about two days later I pleaded and completly sobbed and humbled myself to Jess on the phone for her to tell me whats gone on, what she was hiding from me, telling her I loved her no matter what, that I worshiped the ground she walked on, and everything could be worked out, I would give her more attention. She was cold as ice on the phone and I could hardly talk.
I remember all too vividly telling my wife, with tears running down my face, how I worshiped her and asking her why she had done this terrible thing to me. Like me, I hope that one day you too will discover that gods and goddesses are the only entities that deserve our worship.
I'm sorry you're going through this. She is a serial cheater. She won't stop unless she realizes that there are consequences for her actions that she doesn't want to pay. You have not given her any reason to believe that you won't allow it. In fact, by giving her no consequences, you have given her permission to cheat on you. She is going to see you as a complete doormat and she will not respect your demands that she stop what she is doing because your threats are empty; you'll take her back anyway, at least according to the pattern she has observed. She seems to be manipulating you, too, saying she is going away until you have cooled off, as if you're the one behaving inappropriately.
You need to take a few steps back and realize that she is treating you like crap and you don't deserve to be treated that way! I know you love her and you want things to work out, but your current strategy is going to fail. I know this. I left my h who I still love because he wouldn't be honest about his cheating and disrespect and expected me to be a doormat that accepted it; there is a huge difference between loving someone and building a sound marriage with someone. She may well love you, but she is too immature to be married and needs to grow up. She needs hobbies of her own and some self-confidence so that she isn't depending on guys to boost her ego all the time. You can't make this happen. She has to be willing to commit to you on her own or else it's all fake. You cannot make her love you the right way or be a good wife to you, not even by loving her enough to accept her faults. Don't tolerate her faults. Don't enable her bad behavior. Be strong enough to object!
You should do the 180. If there is any chance of saving your marriage, it will come from you absolutely walking away from her and her realizing for herself that she doesn't want to lose you. It will depend on you rebuilding yourself in a less dependent way on her. Right now, you've invested so much in this relationship that your world is destroyed because of it, but you need to build a world for yourself that isn't dependent on her -- then, if she is able to offer you the same, you can build a bridge between your two worlds to connect. Right now, that can't happen.
180 completely. Build up your self esteem and your independence because she's trashed those. Let her fall on her face and realize that she has lost the best thing she's got. Either she'll come back to you with some sense of decency and remorse, or you'll know that she wasn't worth your love because she didn't love you back the right way.
Whatever you do, do NOT chase, beg, plead, cajole, or try to persuade her to come back to you because that will send her quickly into the arms of Mr. Sleazeball of the Month.
I believe my post in your other thread was something along these lines:
Your relationship started on shaky ground. She had some sort of problems in her marriage--and she didn't choose to go to counseling or to ask for a divorce from her husband like a mature adult. You entered into the relationship with a big commitment after not knowing her for very long. You thought you were saving her and that you would be enough.
You are now discovering that she needs saving on a daily basis from multiple men. One man (you) cannot save her. You are likely a devoted, loyal partner to her who has done more than your fair share to help in all the ways a loyal partner should. She has rewarded that loyalty by doing the same thing with others that she did with you at the start of your relationship--find someone over the Internet to bond with BEFORE fixing or ending the relationship she's actually in.
She has likely always had multiple men over the Internet to whom she has turned. You've found some of them. But I suspect there are more and that this is a powerful addiction/compulsion for her. It's her escape from reality--no different than alcohol or drugs to her.
The pattern is horribly obvious.
Real life partner = never good enough and not worth the energy or effort; dreary conversations about responsibilities, sharing, fairness; diverting the focus from her favorite topic, herself
Fake internet relationships = no criticism, lots of affirmation and validation, lots and lots of fun; constant immersion in her favorite topic, herself
----------------------
She is clearly a broken person. She may have serious psychological issues that aren't apparent on the surface and instead manifest themselves in this self-destructive behavior.
She desperately needs excellent counseling to uncover the huge holes in her heart. You can see for yourself--you pour love in and it pours right out.
You cannot fix her. Possibly, nothing can or will. Your best shot is a counselor who is experienced in sex / porn / internet addiction. I know it will seem odd to look for a counselor in those fields, but they understand the compulsion, the addiction, and they know better than an ordinary counselor how to dig out WHY she keeps throwing herself into these fantasies.
:i agree:
Insightful and candid post here! I agree with this so much that I think you should read it again so I am quoting it here in its entirety with a bunch of "I agree" emoticons to catch your attention.
You've been offered excellent advice by the forum members, the question is, do you have the courage to take it? If not then no amount of 'constructive' advice to you is going to be enough since it will be falling on deaf ears.
Thankyou for all you're advice. Just to shed more light on the whole story, for the last 3 weeks I have been in a state of "I want you, I dont want you, I want you, I dont want you". Every time I have told her I dont wish to be with her or have given her reason to think its over contact with the other guy has occurred. I have asked her why she is still in contact with this person if like she claims she is so "ashamed" of what she did. Her response is because she thought it was over between us and we were seperated. Jess has said she loves me and wants to work things out and realises Richard was just using her. Just to give you some insight on what happend and why I'm still here after my suicide attempt, I was talking to Jess via internet before I made the stupid decision to attempt it. Jess had been the one who suspected something and rushed to the house to find me lying on the sofa unconscious(I had taken an overdose). She said she was hysterical and through my attempt at killing myself has come to realise how much she doesnt want to loose me. Ultimately she has told me she loves me, wishes for us to goto coucelling and wants to try again. Sadly I have seen no proof she loves me, she has not left her job: she says because we wouldnt survive financially, and apparently this Richard is transfering to another store and she says shes going to see if and when hes doing this, which she hasnt...
Sam, so sorry you are dealing with this nightmare! In a way I can kinda relate to you, you have given up your life to live a life with a woman who you thought was the missing peice in your life.
Why did she move back into the home from her parents? Are you guys planning to work on R? Has she quit her job and gone NC with OP? If I read correctly she has not.
There is not much options you have: either you stay in a relationship with this woman who has blatantly lied and cheated on you numerous times. Or you remove yourself from her, either still living in Aus. to be with your children or move back to England to be with you family. Its a tough pill to swallow and take time to make this life altering decision. But the bottom line is, you are too emotional to keep going through these ups and downs and must make a plan of action soon.
Hi, Thankyou for you're response, she moved back into the house after I had attempted to kill myself. She hasnt left her job and has not made any attempts to find out if this other guy is transferring stores like she said he was...
I believe my post in your other thread was something along these lines:
Your relationship started on shaky ground. She had some sort of problems in her marriage--and she didn't choose to go to counseling or to ask for a divorce from her husband like a mature adult. You entered into the relationship with a big commitment after not knowing her for very long. You thought you were saving her and that you would be enough.
You are now discovering that she needs saving on a daily basis from multiple men. One man (you) cannot save her. You are likely a devoted, loyal partner to her who has done more than your fair share to help in all the ways a loyal partner should. She has rewarded that loyalty by doing the same thing with others that she did with you at the start of your relationship--find someone over the Internet to bond with BEFORE fixing or ending the relationship she's actually in.
She has likely always had multiple men over the Internet to whom she has turned. You've found some of them. But I suspect there are more and that this is a powerful addiction/compulsion for her. It's her escape from reality--no different than alcohol or drugs to her.
The pattern is horribly obvious.
Real life partner = never good enough and not worth the energy or effort; dreary conversations about responsibilities, sharing, fairness; diverting the focus from her favorite topic, herself
Fake internet relationships = no criticism, lots of affirmation and validation, lots and lots of fun; constant immersion in her favorite topic, herself
----------------------
She is clearly a broken person. She may have serious psychological issues that aren't apparent on the surface and instead manifest themselves in this self-destructive behavior.
She desperately needs excellent counseling to uncover the huge holes in her heart. You can see for yourself--you pour love in and it pours right out.
You cannot fix her. Possibly, nothing can or will. Your best shot is a counselor who is experienced in sex / porn / internet addiction. I know it will seem odd to look for a counselor in those fields, but they understand the compulsion, the addiction, and they know better than an ordinary counselor how to dig out WHY she keeps throwing herself into these fantasies.
Hi, Yes she does have issues and has admitted to them somewhat, she said her biggest issue is rejection. She is from a broken marriage and her father left and rejected her. The mother was the only one in her life who pretty much did the same and had her own issues.
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Repost: My Story, Wife Cheated 
" . I didnt know the number and my heart started racing wondering who it could be, I was going to wait until morning to confront her about it but she was still partially awake so I entered the bedroom and asked her. She pretended to be sleepy at first and said what am I going on about, then I started getting upset and asked her several time to tell me whats going on. Eventually she sat up and told me I already knew who it was!. A guy at work by the name of (not real name) Richard. 
