I am so angry with him for what he has done. Most of you know the story...for those of you who dont, he screwed up bad...starting with criminal charges involving a teenager, leading to prostitutes and tons of email for NSA sex, then him leaving me for a 21 yo fling that he knew less then 2 weeks. After not speaking at all (there were restraining orders in place) for two months, we started talking again and decided to reconcile. We've been going to marriage counseling and both have individual counselors as well.
So back to now....I am so unbelievably ANGRY! I feel like where my life is right now is all his fault! He left in November....coincidently our business hasn't had a job since then. He started all his emailing and crap mainly in Sept, coincidently, we haven't been able to pay the mortgage since Oct. Chances are we are going to lose the house very soon. When he left I had to start looking for work and plan what I was going to do to support my kids, I finally got a part time job, and I will be taking 15 credits in college next quarter (working towards a major in accounting). This is not what I want to be doing. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 13 years, and I didn't want to go to work or school till my youngest started school, but now I have school and work. I won't be spending nearly the time with my kids that I should be. And I feel like it's HIS fault! Our business is going nowhere, he can't get a job till his jail time is over with, and that keeps getting pushed out longer and longer. I understand that parts not his fault, but I am still so bitter and angry! Even if our business did start making enough money to support us again, I still feel like I need to be independent just in case he goes A-wall again and I am left alone to support my children.
Our marriage was so good before all this happened. I know a lot of you will say it couldn't of been that good or he wouldn't of did what he did, but to this day he has very few complaints about the way it was or the way it is now. Why did he have to ruin everything we worked so hard for??? Why do I have to pick up all the pieces and deal with all the consequences for HIS mistakes??? It seems as though I am becoming more and more angry and bitter as the time goes on. I don't like where I am at, and I blame it on him.
I know part of it is guilt. I feel guilty leaving my kids. I feel guilty for burdening my mother. She will be the one taking care of my kids while I am at work and at school. He is more than willing to when he can, but at least for the next month while he is in jail, she will be doing it. She has teenagers at home who are causing some grief, and I feel bad adding to her already full plate.
I know this has been on the whiny complaining side...sorry, but thanks for listening. As always, any and all advice is appreciated.
I am not defending him. I am thinking of the marriage. He was a total creep. But raising, you cheated too. You had the ONS with your friend. You are still in NC with him, right? Or are you continuing to text and talk with him?
Isn't it amazing how emotions can swing back and forth. 2 weeks ago you wanted to try, now you want to bail.
You are completely in your rights to dump him. Hell you probably should. Just wait till he his through jail. You are so busy now, you need to add a divorce to your already heavy schedule? If you feel the same way, then, move forward with the divorce. But right now, its kids, school and work. Remember.......Prioritize.
Initfortheduration: Absolutely no contact since the day I posted that I could and would stop. And it feels better that way, knowing that I am not currently adding to our problems.
I don't want to bail, at least not yet, but I don't like all these feelings. I know they're not good for the recovery process. Maybe I will find this marriage is not repairable after all. Maybe this is just one more swing in my emotions that will change again in a few days or weeks.
The first time he was supposed to go into jail I was so sad...I was crying, thinking of how much I would miss him etc, but this time I feel calloused and indifferent, like I just want to move on with my life, with or without him. Maybe it's that I just want to see progress and I feel we are at a standstill. Maybe it's me realizing the extent of my distrust. He has bid a couple of jobs this week, and every time he leaves the house I wonder where is really going and what he is really doing. Although deep down I know he is being faithful right now, It just reiterates how, in his job, with him being the boss, I will never know what is going on when he leaves the house. I'm tired of the worry, I'm tired of all the nagging doubts in my head and heart. I feel like the benefits of staying married are few.
He read my post last night, and was very upset by it. He feels as though every time we take 2 steps forward, we take 5 steps back. He thinks he is doing everything he can, and that it's never enough. But to be honest, there is so much more he can do. He was helping great around the house at first, now it has slacked off. I asked him to read a couple of books, again, at first he was reading frequently, but now, not at all. I want to be more active as a family, his idea of a family activity is to watch a movie. Maybe we are just to different, and that alone didn't matter, but add all this to it, and I am just very intolerant. And if he complains, I basically tell him, "If you can't handle it, you know where the door is." Basically I am an angry, intolerant witch, and I feel as though for now, he just needs to man up and deal with it, as he is the one that has caused it. (OK, and at least a little of this is PMS, but I still feel like he just needs to deal with it)
I understand on so many levels. In fact it was one of the things that made me most angry after he told me. I was so pissed that if we couldn't work things out then in the end I would be the one that would have most of the pieces to pick up. I would be trying to get past a broken heart, trying to help my kids deal with their dad leaving, trying to support our children & the bills we would suddenly have on our own- all because of HIS mistake.
He told me that if I wanted him to leave, he would give me the house and I told him no. I told him I would sign it all over to him legally ASAP if we were to get a divorce because I didn't want it. I didn't want to be responsible for the mortgage, for the bills associated with it, for the repairs to it, or have to deal with the fact that this was a home we bought and made memories in together. I told him flat out that it would all be his responsibility and I would start over on my own without all the baggage. I wasn't going to take on the burdens of his bad choices, at least not when it came to our house.
I also hate that I feel like we are in a standstill. I don't know what to do to make progress and a part of me doesn't care anymore. I hate that I distrust constantly. I hate that I find myself wanting to say mean things because he hurt me so badly that I just want to hurt him back. I hate that I'm impatient with my kids because I have so many emotions churning inside that I feel like I can't get a grip on. I hate that on a lot of days I just want to give up.
I don't have any good advice. I wish I did. I can say I understand and please know that I'm here for you if you need it. Anytime.
I totally feel for Raising5boys and Iwillsurvive. I completely understand the whole intolerance thing, its exactly what I'm going through. I just wont take anymore crap laying down. And I never realized until I read your posts, that cleaning up the mess that SHE caused is something I just am not willing to do. This is why I'm not divorcing, although I feel deeply that can change any moment.
I can see how hurt and angry you are. I feel so sad to see you go through this! I don't believe that there is an easy solution to the way you are feeling. You are going through so many things right now. Take a few deep breaths and try something for me.............THINK............... What would be different in your life right now had you not tried to reconcile your marriage? Work, school, house financing, bussiness, grandma watching the boys, house work, where would all of these things be at?...............Mistakes have been made, yes, no doubt, but what to do now? Past is past, still hurts, but can't go back and change it. Must move forward, but how? These are deep scars that you are dealing with and they will take a tremendous amount of effort and time to heal. You have to seperate in your mind the things that you would have to deal with regardless of your marital status from what you deal with because of your current marital status. I know you will figure out what is right to do! I have absolute faith in you. I am always just a phone call away. (I am sure you can figure out who I am) I love your family and want to see you over flowing with happiness again some day, you deserve that much!!!
Yes, circumstances have changes, and I can no longer be a stay at home mom. I will continue my college education, and work. I know it's not what I want, but it's what has to happen. Staying with him, or splitting up won't change anything as far as school and work goes. I just feel like as a single mother, it makes more sense to be relying on other people so much, as a married person, my husband and I should be able to deal with the kids and the schedule without so much help form others. Maybe that is all just in my mind, but that's how I feel about it. In some ways I am much more stressed having him here again, and in other ways he has eliminated stress. My kids are thrilled to have him here most of the time, but some times they feel like he yells to much and has too short of a fuse, When I bring this up with him, he kind of goes into a poor me pouting mode, and then I feel like a go between with him and the kids. But, with him not around, I have two kids that are constantly at each others throat, with him here, they are much better behaved. Kevin and I have very different views of finances, and part of that is why we are in so deep financially. If he wants to spend money, I will usually initially say no, but if he keeps on about it, or does his pouting thing, then I feel bad and give in. It goes that way for going out for dinner, paying for cable, buying new things for whatever, and even grocery shopping! He has expensive tastes, and I have a lot of trouble sticking to my guns and saying no when he has been our sole supporter for the most part. I just don't feel like dealing with any of this anymore. I guess I'm being witch and stubborn. I want it all my way or no way. I am a smart and capable woman, I want him to respect my opinion and see that what I want is the most beneficial for our family. AND I DON"T WANT TO DEAL WITH AN ATTITUDE ABOUT IT!!! I am not an unreasonable person, and I have compromised my values and beliefs enough...now I just want it all to be the way I want it to be PERIOD. I am a "go get em" type of person, and he really isn't. I was keeping my house cleaner, and getting more accomplished without him here, than with him here. That's not how it should be. Example: To keep up with the house, I would usually stay up after the kids went to bed, for a couple of hours to keep on top of laundry and dishes, etc. With Kevin here, he wants me to relax in the evenings with him, and watch TV. He gets pouty if I choose to do other things, and begs me to come sit with him. Is that a horrible thing for him to want? No, but I have things I need to get done....I don't have the time to sit and relax. To be quite honest, my idea of a great evening together would be getting work done side by side, while chit chatting, and calling it an early night feeling accomplished and ready a some real together time and then some sleep and onto the next day!
Rant, rant, vent, vent, complain, whine, rant....ugh....I just want to see progress. I want out of this place in my life....I want what I want and nothing less.
KTlady, yes I know who you are....the name alone kinda gives it away! It's hard for my to express all of my feelings without crying when talking to someone I know cares as much as you do, and even more so it is so hard to admit to wrongdoing. So now you know of my most recent stumble....it was before Kevin and I started talking again....not that that exuses it, but at the same time, I didn't feel it would have any impact on the status of my marriage, and it really hasn't.
I am so angry with him for what he has done. Most of you know the story...for those of you who dont, he screwed up bad...starting with criminal charges involving a teenager, leading to prostitutes and tons of email for NSA sex, then him leaving me for a 21 yo fling that he knew less then 2 weeks. After not speaking at all (there were restraining orders in place) for two months, we started talking again and decided to reconcile.
He left in November....coincidently our business hasn't had a job since then.
Our business is going nowhere, he can't get a job till his jail time is over with, and that keeps getting pushed out longer and longer.
He is more than willing to when he can, but at least for the next month while he is in jail...
Why do you want to be with him? And raise your kids with someone like him?
I am already divorced as of 4 weeks now, but I have my moments of livid resentment towards that woman in my life that cheated on me. Yes, CHEATED. No matter the "I didnt even kiss him but YOU wont beleive me" b.s., all the text messages and meeting in private? dont insult me.
I get reduced to a part time dad, still get the pleasure of seeing her text other men on FB and lie about it. She still pays her cellphone face down, because shes ashamed of her pitiful self.
I cant wait to get away from her. This is insanity at best.
The moment I look into the rearview mirror, I am overwhelmed with anger and disgust at both her and myself for having stayed with her for so long. There were some good times at first,,,, but over the years she mentally just lost it.
If it only affected me, I could get past it easier, but the fact that my daughter is involved, and how it ruins her castle, coupled with my exwifes complete delusion over the depth and scope of her cheating face, really brings it all home again for me...