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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-23-2012, 04:55 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

And you know 100 percent that this is the first time she cheated on you with him?
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:56 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

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Over the years, during rough times (and there were many), I used to think that the ex had been smarter than me to see the warning signs and run for the hills before the "I do's" were exchanged. (I only recently learned he was cheated on). Meanwhile, I've been running on the same treadmill for years, wondering why the scenery isn't changing.

I have a very bad habit of saying, "next time this happens, I'll . . ." Over and over.
Yeah, you do. And that is the problem right there.

You want to stop running on the same treadmill? Stop doing it. Push the STOP button and get off the treadmill.
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:59 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Get the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud-Townsend. You can get it at yourlibrary for free. Focus on the chapter with titled "The Boundary-Resistant Spouse" (that's what your wife is). You not backing up with consequences is why this keeps happening.
I've read it, its excellent. I'll re-read that chapter though, clearly the lesson hasn't sunk in. I have been working on improving my boundaries for a while, I just suck at enforcing them with my wife. Her anger goes from 0 to 60 in miliseconds. I've learned to cope with that and don't get paralyzed.

The fact that she thinks she can get me to accept something this outrageous has also helped motivate me.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:02 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

Shadow, like you, I had a "boundary-resistant spouse." And like you, I kept doing the same thing over and over again. It's exhausting dealing w/ the same sh*t day in and day out.

The definition of insanity is.........
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:03 PM   #35 (permalink)
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And you know 100 percent that this is the first time she cheated on you with him?
I am virtually certain. It is possible she cheated when we were dating in college. She went home for the summer and I know she saw him. She mentioned it and said with great pride that she had resisted his advances. Of course, back then I was the "soul mate." Today I am the jerk, when I'm not being the bully (for telling her that her "friendship" is destroying me and out marriage).
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:03 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

You need to MAN UP
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:05 PM   #37 (permalink)
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You need to MAN UP
Agreed. And I've been reading through the material here. It's good stuff.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:07 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

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I've read it, its excellent. I'll re-read that chapter though, clearly the lesson hasn't sunk in. I have been working on improving my boundaries for a while, I just suck at enforcing them with my wife. Her anger goes from 0 to 60 in miliseconds. I've learned to cope with that and don't get paralyzed.

The fact that she thinks she can get me to accept something this outrageous has also helped motivate me.
Decide you are ready to stop sucking at this. This is defeatest rhetoric. You are letting yourself off of the hook. Seriously. Stop trying and do it.

Yes it is that easy. You are letting your own fear paralyze you. You are letting your wife of 20 years be taken from you by not standing your ground. She is disrespecting you and sees you as weak. Do not allow this.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:07 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Decide you are ready to stop sucking at this.


Funny, but true.

Entrop is right about "the fear paralyzing you." You need to lose that fear. Fast. Stop fearing losing her (easier said than done, I know). Once you stop fearing that you will lose her, you are in the right place.

You need to tell her straight up:

"Wife, the contact with your ex fiance is not ok under any circumstance. It has been detrimental to our marriage and very disrespectful to me and to our family. He does not want to be your friend. You know that. Do not try to pretend it's all been innocent. Because it hasn't. I will not live in an open marriage and will not tolerate this any longer. So the choice is yours: you can either end contact with you ex or you be sure I will no longer be in this relationship. Non-negotiable."

Then she will complain/whine/call you controlling/say it's innocent, blah blah blah and you can tell her:

"Stop. Just stop. Do not lie to me. You and I both know the truth. Your reconnecting with him has not been innocent. If the situation were reversed, you would feel the same way in wanting to protect our marriage, in not wanting me to have any contact with an ex fiance who has zero intention of being platonic. Now you know how I feel so the choice is yours. My stance on this is non-negotiable."

You must say this with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION.

BE FIRM. BE CALM. BE COOL. Be confident. and walk away. Make sure when you say this to her you have ZERO emotions involved. Don't be emotional/angry cause it won't have the same effect.

DO NOT NOT NOT get into an argument, do not not not negotiate, do not not not waiver from your stance.

Kapiche?

Good.
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Last edited by Jellybeans; 05-23-2012 at 05:18 PM.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:27 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Kapiche. I'll let you know how it goes. I have delivered the message that I won't stick around if this continues, but I like the was you said it better.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:35 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

I definitely think you have to get better at not sending your wife mixed messages.First she goes NC at your request,but then when he fishes through FB you let her accept.Never mind your wife,what message does it send to the OM?That your wife can be available,as it appears it's something she wants,even if she previously said she chose you.He may think she just said that to placate you.The proof to him is that here she is,back in contact.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position,but you have to firm up.The old saw applies here...say what you mean and mean what you say.Hope it doesn't go any deeper and I wish you well.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:38 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

Your wife does not sound like a very nice person. Tell me again why you still want to be with her after what's she has put you through? I know that she is familiar and there's always the fear of the unknown, but I don't see her changing her cheating ways. I bet if you think long and hard about things that happened in the past you'll realize that she's done this before.
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:47 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

Sometimes. apparently nice people do nasty things.

People who are genuinely nice are very contrite. The people who were only pretending to be nice continue to do nasty things.

What is your wife doing? Genuine contrition or the nasty things?
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:03 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

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Originally Posted by Shadowboxer View Post
She cheated on him. He caught her and dumped her without any explanation.
RED FLAG
Someone who has cheated on their fiance is likely to cheat again on another fiance or a husband.
Cheating on a fiance is not the same as cheating on a boyfriend.

Quote:
She really HATED her ex, or at least said she did.
Keep in mind that those who say they hate their EX is a code for I still have feelings for them and I hate the fact that I still love them OR I hate the fact that I couldn't be with them one more time.
I'd never like to get in a relationship with someone who is NOT indifferent towards their ex. Hate is equal to love. Both of these feelings have impact and one who feels this way has less chances to look forward and not turn back their head.

Your wife is being quite irresponsible and she's acting like a teenager.
If she doesn't give this an end than you better remind yourself that you deserve more than that.
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Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:06 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble

Also, it's funny how he who once was cheated on, now asks to cheat with the woman who actually cheated on him.




It's like he doesn't know the taste of being cheated on.
What a retard.
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Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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