withoutperfection

I was cheated on 2 years ago by my girlfriend; we had been together for 6 years prior. We met very early in undergraduate, neither having dated women prior, and just fell head over heels in love. She and I had both been in serious straight relationships. I had very recently left my high school sweetheart of 4 years and she had lost hers in a car accident. Consequently, we found everything possible in each other and rushed into a relationship - insert lesbian uhaul joke here!!

While the first 4 years were pure passion and lust they were also filled with young and immature: personalities, communication skills, and indecisiveness about this whole new gay thing.
I can't convey enough about how compatible we are - which is what makes this so hard. But also, a lot of the indecisiveness was on her part in the earlier stages- one about being in a gay relationship b/c of society's pressures, and two, since she and I both still had attractions towards men.....how do you say you can commit to just one. For me, it was always about the relationship I had with the person, sex was just a bonus - whatever the form. She is younger than I and seems to have realized that only after cheating.

I don't want to go into the details of the cheating, unless it proves to be necessary. However, the facts are: it only happened once, it was with a girl (no worries over the gay/straight thing now, from either of us); however it took her two weeks to tell me - which means for two weeks she lied to me.

So, for the last two years we have basically been living separately due to career commitments and graduate school. Upon my push, I convinced her to take a career opportunity that would require her to travel while I attended graduate school elsewhere. My intentions were in hopes that this 'physical time apart' would help me to basically commit or get out.

I'm nearly 30 and I want kids; she is indifferent but is willing to do anything to make me happy. Although I should also add that while she has been much better about communicating where/when she is and what she is doing.....I still feel that it isn't enough. I'm actually writing this b/c she just said she had turned down a trip to the beach with coworkers - I'm pi$$ed b/c she didn't even, yes I'll say it, "ask for my permission." Since her cheating was basically a result of her being able to vacation while I worked to put food/table & roof over our heads.

I basically feel like I am done, but I am soooo afraid that I'll never meet that perfect someone. And prior to this, she was it and I couldn't imagine life without her. Now, I still can't imagine life w/o her but I disdain her, constantly punish her, and feel that while she is putting forth more effort to be open that it still isn't enough.

I know I haven't been as thorough as most of the posts on here, just ask and I will tell, even if the cheating is relevant.
But from reading other posts it seems as though the consensus relies upon marriage and kids - those answers: no we obviously can't get married, but yes I am wearing a commitment/engagement ring in hopes that we could one day, and two - no kids. We haven't made it to the point in our lives where we feel ready for kids, we're currently too busy and will not be financially stable for at least 4 more years - I'm in medical school.

Thank you in advance for any help. And please no gay bashing - I understand not everyone agrees, but I'm not forcing you to read this either!

michzz

Living apart helps no romantic relationship.

And cheating is difficult to get over, especially the lack of trust in it's wake.

I have the feeling that the bloom is off the rose.

If you want to salvage things, both of you have to want that for it to happen.

And you have to actually work together to accomplish it.

If either of you is reticent to have children, then do not have them.

It has to be a mutual decision.

If it is a deal killer, so be it.

BTW, needing to ask permission to go to the beach would suck. Needing to enforce such rules sucks even more so.

EleGirl

It seems to me that you have already made your choice. By pushing for a situation in which the two of you live apart most of the time, you have just about ensured that the relationship will not survive.

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. It is good, healthing time together that builds intimacy and the emotional connection.

It sounds to me like the relationship has gotten to a point where it takes too much effort to keep it together. The whole thing of her vacationing without you shows that she feels very much separate from you.

As an adult she has every right to vacation any time she chooses. And you have the right to not want to have her around if she does not take your feelings/needs into consideration.

You seem to feel that it's wrong for her to take vacations while you work to pay the bills. What productive thing would she do if she did not go on that vacation?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

withoutperfection

Michzz - "the bloom is off the rose" = well said; exactly how I feel regarding these two years of questioning. I just don't know how to go about losing the only person I talk to every second possible of the day and share every waking moment with. We're going on 8 years of being together, but from what I'm reading it is still 'the' time to get out.
I'm also afraid that having basically lived separately except for a month here and there that I'm just lagging on being able to recover because we're not seeing each other daily - and dealing with the problems, we're just both too busy for what is needed in a post-cheating relationship. The constant hashing and re-hashing out what happened, and why. We've said everything that has needed to be said but it obviously takes constant positive reinforcement from the cheater and I'm afraid that being physically separated isn't allowing that. So, do I take the chance and lose the only person I've ever felt I could grow old with ..... are there really others out there that I would feel the same about? There has to be, right?

withoutperfection

EleGirl - I agree, we both have every right to vacation as we please. Our past was that of her vacationing while I stayed home and worked the 'adult' job, while she had an easy night/restaurant job. Now, my only reason for disliking her vacationing is the mere fact that she hasn't vacationed without me in the past two years (i.e. since she cheated), and it has been my experience that she didn't always make the right decisions regarding respect to our relationship while vacationing with others....wow, while I write this I easily see how I'm 'that idiot.' I've just always accounted her indecisiveness about us or flirting as being young- these things that were part of our first four years, not the past three. She has been the perfect girlfriend since she cheated; but I guess I can honestly say that I've repeatedly said, "hey, I know you're being honest and open and have been nothing but wonderful to me, but all of those things are what is expected in a relationship and I need more, since you cheated." She's said all of the right things with the appropriate amount of remorse and is truly very very sorry and would fly us to some state that would marry us tomorrow if I would let her, but after being cheated on I need to feel like she's trying harder than a normal spouse would have to...and she's not, she's just doing the 'requirements.' Sorry this is convoluted, I'm obviously upset and have been over this a million times in my head, but always give up before coming up with any decisions...pushing it off a few more months.

I've tried twice to 'take a break' and 'not talk', i.e. separate for a month or so to see if that will help me decide - but the break never happens.

michzz

I am sure as painful as it is, if you cannot get out of the sadness loop, there is someone ELSE for you.

You have accepted a very unsatisfying situation for far too long.

I know the feeling.

withoutperfection

michzz - am I stuck in the sadness loop. And I'm posting because I read someone else's post who has been dealing with their partner who cheated 20 years ago....my point is that I don't want to be posting about this same ordeal 18 years from now.

You just don't grow up believing that you'll spend your life with someone that has been unfaithful to you and this has just dashed all of my dreams of the perfect life. I don't want 75% trust gained back in 20 years; I didn't want it lost in the first place. I just fell that her cheating has uprooted any uncertainties that I may have had already but had been using my rose-colored glasses to conceal.

I'm not saying that these uncertainties were real issues or deal breakers, but likely things that just arise as a normal marriage/relationship would have progressed.

Thank you, by the way, for your sound advice.