True, but he would have to verify that himself, and it begs to question whether he would even care to expend the energy doing so when he could easily just disassociate with them. Its not like these people are essential to the survival and upkeep of the marriage. Friends come and go through life. Posted via Mobile Device
Agreed. But making them out to be awful evil people when maybe they had nothing to do with it, isn't the answer.
where is hansolio----he should be involved in this---after all it is his life we are discussing, and I am sure he could throw some light, on some of the things we are conjecturing about----If orig. post. want input---they should stay involved!!!!!
We're making assumptions that her friends enabled her to go with the OM to have a ONS when we don't have evidence of this, yet. If later on the OP says that his wife's friends were giving her the green light and 'You go girl!' then I agree that they should be exorcised from her life.
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I agree. The entire point I am trying to make is that what if they WERE NOT ok with it? To autotmatically say they are bad/awful people is silly. But I agree if they were down with it and egged her on, ten they suck and are NOT friend's of the marriage. It's just people assume a lot.
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Originally Posted by morituri
:Lastly, her friends are not her babysitters. She is a woman, an adult which means she knows the difference between right and wrong and is ultimately responsible for her actions and the consequences that come from them.
Oh I totally agree w/ that. The choice was hers and hers alone. Nobody held a gun to her head.
I may or may not have done a few things when I was drunk that I never would have if sober. But never did I cross a line like that. Inhibitions are lowered when alcohol is involved, very true. But using that as an excuse? No way. In my opinion, someone who cheats when drunk was simply doing what they secretly wanted to in the first place.
About the friends, let me paraphrase what Not Just Friends says about that - if they aren't friends of the marriage, they have to go. If they ARE friends of the marriage they should be cherished.
I may or may not have done a few things when I was drunk that I never would have if sober. But never did I cross a line like that. Inhibitions are lowered when alcohol is involved, very true. But using that as an excuse? No way. In my opinion, someone who cheats when drunk was simply doing what they secretly wanted to in the first place.
About the friends, let me paraphrase what Not Just Friends says about that - if they aren't friends of the marriage, they have to go. If they ARE friends of the marriage they should be cherished.
I can believe this 100%...
My wife and I have our issues. Sometimes I would rather not even go home. For just a couple of times recently, I went to "Happy Hour" with a friend. Haven't done that in over 20 years.
The first time, I just had 2 beer over an hour period and went home. I talked to 2 women. No real big deal. My mind wandered a lot though. The second time, still only two beers and Spent a long time talking to one lady. In my mind... I already slept with her... so I left real quick.
As bad as things are, it is never enough to give me a green light to cheat. I can see that anybody can make an excuse to why the strayed, but alcohol is not the reason. The OP's wife cheated way before she actually did the deed.
I have never cheated, Although in my mind, I hate hate hate to say it, but I think I have. I just have to not put myself in that type of position and second... stay away from Happy Hour!
However, on the flip side, as most affairs do go undiscovered, would it really be wise to enter into a new relationship with a person of "unknown" honesty and integrity where new affairs could be undiscovered?
She screwed up royally. But she came to you with it right away. Maybe that was spurred on by fear that you'd find out somehow, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she just needed to tell you. There's something to be said for integrity. She screwed up, and then owned up to it without being cornered. I think that shows a lot.
If the the marriage was worth saving before this incident, then I believe from what you've said about this incident, I'd seriously consider working on this relationship and salvaging it.
I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have.
Your wife did something EXTREMELY FEW cheaters will ever do....she owned up to it without being confronted. That, at least to me, shows me something of her character. But she now knows she has a problem controlling herself while drinking or in certain environments. She can't be trusted in these situations, and she can't trust herself to navigate through those environments anymore, she must know her limits, and remove the possibility of that ever happening again by not exposing herself to that.
Were this to be a "ONS" that was really just the culmination of an EA or some situation where it had been allowed by her to build to this point over time where in effect she had been "straying" over a period of time, my advice would be different. But a drunken ONS where this thing started, happened, and ended in a single alcohol clouded night? Immediately after which she told you? I'd cut some slack in this situation. She would not be off the hook by any means, and there'd be some serious work ahead....but I'd cut her some slack and not go the nuclear option on her or the marriage.
I agree. This is why a polygaph may be useful He needs to know the real extent of her affair and her real motivation for coming forward in order to assess this.
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I would never have imagined that I could actually forgive any infidelity, but I've come to realize there are degrees of infidelity and some are much worse than others to overcome.
I believe this to be true. My W is a wonderful woman with a wonderful heart. We have an outstanding relationship in every way. No fights (the occassional disagreement, yes. Fights, no). No drama. Fantastic sex life. Very open with each other about anything. We very much love being together, but can also enjoy our time apart from each other. I can truly trust her, I believe, to do "the right thing" and the honorable thing. She trusts me. We do not have jealousy issues. I have incredible confidence in her...not out of burying my head in the sand, but because she's earned that. We are on such an even plane together in so many ways, it sometimes boggles my mind. She's by far the best "match" I've ever had, and I'd been trying for 40 years before I met her.
Would I dismiss all of that because she had a ONS such as the OP's wife reportedly did at a time when her judgement was clouded (it is no excuse, but it is a factor)? I would not want to do so if she came to me as the OP's wife did and owned up to it. As it hasn't happened to me, I'm not sure if I could get past it, but knowing me I believe I could, and I would certainly try. One single night and one error does not erase years of otherwise sound judgement, self awareness, appreciation for us, things she has done for me and everything else that is so perfect.
Would I put a serious foot in her rear end? You bet I would. There would be consequences for her actions. She would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it could never (now that she knows she's vulnerable to such things whereas maybe before she did not believe she was), ever happen again, and only because of her truthfullness and integrity would she get a second chance. It would be crystal clear there would never be a third chance. There would be no "I was drunk" excuse allowed in the future, because if she, knowing what she does about herself now and this "weakness under the influence", put herself back into that situation, that would be enough for me to then end it. She'd have lost that "right" because of her own actions. If she did not understand that and was not okay with that, she should feel free to hit the bricks at any time.
Any reason to believe that she was forced to confess after she was caught?(A friend threatening to tell you if she didn't? If so, this might not be her first ONS)
Any reason to believe that she was forced to confess after she was caught?(A friend threatening to tell you if she didn't? If so, this might not be her first ONS)
One thing to consider is that there may not be one single motivation. She could easily be some combination of remorseful, guilty, wanting to be honest with you and recognizing that others know and feel she should be the one to tell you. That is, there may be some honorable reasons mixed with some more selfish reasons. You may need to consider them as a whole when you evaluate it.
where is hansolio----he should be involved in this---after all it is his life we are discussing, and I am sure he could throw some light, on some of the things we are conjecturing about----If orig. post. want input---they should stay involved!!!!!
He's probably shell shocked. Both by what happened and by what he's read here.
I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have.
It depends on what you define as drunk.
To the point of passing out, falling on the ground and not being able to tell where you are??
At this state I'd say you wouldn't be able to move, let alone have sex.
BUT, if the state of mind/body WASN'T all THAT bad then it means she was able to tell where she was and what she was doing.
So the real reason why she cheated [and she admitted it] was the lack of attention/communication in her marriage.
That's what made her cheat, and not her getting drunk. Her getting drunk could be a reason to forget, not to cheat.
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
Sorry folks it took me so long. To shed some light on the friends, they had no idea this happened until she told them. My W and him managed to get away undetected. The friends are also friends with me and are disappointed that this happened. They had no idea she left with him and trust me the friends would have never let her do this.
86Likes
Re: My wife's one night stand. 
