I am new to this forum or any for that matter. I am just in need of some advice/uplifting comments. My wife of 3yrs together for 6, unfortunately had a drunken ONS. I work nights and weekends, she works days during the week. We rarely have time for each other. We have 2 amazing children that keep us busy when we are together. My wife and I are very similiar when it comes to discussing our frustrations within our relationship, and that is we don't discuss them. We hold things in until one of us snaps. We are younger in age and had our first child in the last year of our college careers, so life began very quickly for us. So its been a long rough journey for us and now that we don't spend much time together things have been drifting apart. We were once amazing together and other couples would get jealous of this. Just over the weekend while I was at work some of her friends got together to celebrate the graduation of some friends at our former college. She got drunk and ended the night with another man. She came home sobbing in tears and told me what happened. She says I am not using drinking as an excuse, but if I wasn't it would have never happened. She says with us drifting apart over the last few months she has been feeling lonely and this guy she never met before just seemed to do all the right things that night. She tells me over and over that she is not using drinking as the excuse but it aided in the decision. When she came home she was sobbing to no end and of course I flew off the handle and left for a few hours. When I came back I sat down and talked to her, I told her I know things were rough between us and the affection died off due to me not being there. I still don't understand why she made the decision in the end, but in some sort of weird way I can understand, cuz of the way things were going. I want to forgive her badly, it just like everyone else says its a constant flow of emotions that keep cycling through my head. One minute I want to fix it and the next I want to run away. Her actions from this event have been giving me hope that I can get over this. She took 3 days off of work to stay with me. Constantly sobbing, not eating well, doesn't sleep well, lies around, Keeps saying she hates herself for doing what she did to me. She has already called and scheduled couseling for us. She told me that its horrible to say it like this, but by doing such a dumb thing it made her realize how much she loves me and how she really messed up a good thing. By her doing that it also opened my eyes and made me realize that I wasn't being the husband I know I could be. Is that strange of me? We both know problems with communicating with each other has drifted us apart and is most likely the reason for the ONS. Does anyone feel like she has/is showing deep regret and knows she was very wrong. I am sorry for rambling my mind is in a million places. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I am to ashamed to let anyone know about this. The only person I have been talking to is my wife and its only making her depression/regret worse. Mainly becuz its about how I am feeling and its hurting her even more for what she did. Any help/thoughts? Thanks
she seems to me like she is very remoseful from her actions by which you describe her behavior following this event. You seems to give her some acceptance of this action by your own behavior. If you truely belief this incident will bring you closer together, than start the counseling and work on getting your relationship together.
However, major boundaries and rules must be placed on your wife. Firstly, no more going out with her friends for drunken nights of fun. Maybe even cutt of these friends who are destructive in your marriage.
If she wants to stay married to you, she needs to work on her lack of boundaries, and she was lacking in these boundaries long before the two of you ever got together, so don't accept the blame for her poor choices!
Having said that, you two need counseling big time -- especially you, because the mental images are going to torture you for the next three years or more. You need independent counseling to help you deal with the triggers and mind movies.
Her sh*tty friends have to go.... forever. No more parties, no more nightclubs, no going anywhere without you for the next three or four years. Tell her the marriage is, for now, on hold and she is on probation.
She has to earn your forgiveness by continuing to show remorse and doing everything she can, every day, to prove to you she deserves to be your wife. The onus is on her. Don't give your forgiveness away cheaply like I did when my wife cheated on me two years into our marriage. I should have made her earn her way back into my heart; but I didn't and I'm paying for it now, all these years later.
Falling down drunks know right from wrong---alcohol is absolutely no excuse
The state of your mge is no excuse
For what she has done here is to cheat on her own children, she knew what she was doing, from the time she started to flirt, she went thru a stop sign, to excessive conversation/staying with the guy, was going thru another stop sign---for I am sure she spent a good amount of time with him, and he being a PUA, knew exactly what he was doing, but as has already been said---your wife had no boundary-
--going further, I am sure they did not have sex in front of everyone else at the party, so he had to induce her to go somewhere private----she went---she went thru another stop sign-----she had to find a place/bed/floor/backseat of car/top of table--wherever, to have the sex---another stop sign run---
-she probably took some clothes off---went thru another stop sign----foreplay---another stop sign---the act itself, the last stop sign----except protection----that, sometimes jolts one out of their fog---except if she had unprotected sex---which also means, you need to get checked--------your wife went thru stop sign after stop sign---this did not just happen---your wife chose to make each and every decision to allow it to happen, and possibly even to make sure it happened
Once again, she knew what she was thinking, she knew she was possibly tossing her mge away, you along with it---but the biggest wrong here---is she has very possibly committed your children to a life of misery/unhappiness/split homes/shared custody
She knew all of these things were consequences of her act---and she still let the guy inside of her, and she still committed each and every action necessary to get to the place where the guy entered her.
Sure you can start a new mge---if both of you figure out how to adjust work schedules, so you can have A LOT MORE TIME TOGETHER----and fix whatever marital problems you both think need fixing---but that isn't the main question is it----can you get over this---will your sub-conscious allow you to get over this----will she be able to portray any semblance of a normal woman around you---right now she is wracked with guilt, shame and heavy remorse
These things have to disappear in front of your kids, even now they know something is not right ---how long can the 2 of you both tap dance in front of them----they know the carefree in your mge., is gone---they know the peace of mind for the both of you is gone
Your wife needs to get to an IC, even more than the MC----and then you need to NOT JUST GO TO A COUNSELOR---there are many, bad counselors out there, who will just suck up your money, and waste your time---choice of a counselor---needs to be looked into---just do not go run off and engage a counselor---they need to know what they are doing---they have your future in their hot little hands.
I won't sugar coat this for you---you have a long, hard road to go down, no matter which way you go---this will take 2 to 5 years, just to be in a reasonable state---and tho you may forgive---you will never forget----and as I need to stress---your kids have to be put above all of this--
---good luck to you, however you choose---I hope you do get back some semblance of your happiness, somewhere down the line!!!!!
But seriously you are being given some good advice.
The ONS is 100% her. And you should tell her how hr actions hav hurt you badly. She should be upset with her selfish actions and beat herself up. MC is exactly what you both need but she needs IC to find out why she acted on the ONS.
The good news (yes there is good news in this crappy situation) is that she came home, told you the truth right away and was devastated by what she did to you. Many cheaters never do this unless caught. The fact that she was upset and remorseful to you is a good sign that she knows what she did was wrong to you. your marriage and that she has hurt your family!!
Fix your relationship. If you can forgive her for the ONS and that decision should take some time in your thought process then by all means work on your marriage.
But your wife needs serious counselling to establish boundaries with the opposite sex and alcohol.
The marriage issues you both own 50%. The ONS is her problem 100%.
1. You are just at the begining of dealing with this issue, you are going to have some big downs in dealing with this so prepare yourself.
2. As bandit stated " Your wife needs to change, new boundaries, commitments etc.." Is she ready to do the work or is she simply putting on the emotional show to gather your sympathy. Sorry some spouses use the emotions as the way to fix the relationship and never do the work to fix what they did. They then feel because the felt remorse that is all that is required.
3. Take care of yourself, mentally, physically this is going to take a toll on you.
I can tell from your post that you are desperately seeking the things that are broken so you can fix them and put this behind you.
Slow down, because right now you are in shock, and so is she.
As JNJ, said above both of you need to stop and realize the betrayal didn't happen when she let him inside her. It happened way way back earlier in the night when she wasn't so drunk. It happened when she chose to accept another man close enough to flirt with her, to get her excited, to kiss her, to entice her to come with him, and when she chose to kiss back and touch back , and to go with him to a secluded place to have sex.
The sex is ultimate betrayal, but the betrayal started a long time before, and before she was that drunk.
I also don't think she has remorse, I don't think she has regret for hurting you.
I think she has shame for herself because now she's knows how low she is capable of going.
I think she has disappointment in herself for choosing to cheat.
I think she has fear that you will divorce her because she chose to let another man romance her, to come onto her, and to cheat with her.
Only later when the initial shame she has for herself has had time to work into her psyche, and I mean days and weeks, only after a while will she be ready to actually see the hurt it has caused you, the scar it will leave on your marriage and relationship forever.
How you will forever trigger when she goes out with friends, how you will never fully trust her when she is a little late, or a little drunk.
Only after she sees your hurt, and only after she deals with her own shame, will she be ready to feel remorse - but she also may never fell remorse for hurting you. She may stop at feeling bad for herself.
This is why it's too early to forgive her - because you don't yet actually know if she will feel remorse for hurting you like she has. For that you will have to wait and watch her.
You also will need to watch her forever, because once she's gotten over the discovery that she is that kind of woman, that she can let another man in, and can chose to go with him to have sex. She may very well decide that she can do it again,and wants to.
Right now what she's feeling in all about her and her shame. When and if you notice her being worried about how you are hurting - then you can talk to her about what to do about the marriage etc.
But right now, as you say, she's still not there for you. You can't talk to her, and she isn't putting any energy into helping you deal with the hurt, it's all about herself.
So right now - don't jump to forgiveness until it's truly earned -AND- recognize the difference between her feeling shame for discovering she is that kind of woman, and actually caring and empathy and remorse for you and how she chose betrayed you.
Don't discount the possibility that the confession was prompted by her concern that enough of your mutual friends witnessed this that it was going to get back to you soon, anyway.
Some folks can get over this with time and work. For others , it is a dealbreaker. You probaby will not know where you stand on this for about 18 months. Once the fear and trauma lessen, you may realize that staying together will not work. Or, it may.
See your doc if you become depressed, have trouble eating, sleeping etc. Try to work out. Tell your boss if this is affecting your job performance.
Hang in there. This is a crushijng blow, not the minimal deal portrayed in movies and TV shows. This is one of life's major traumas.
And, as others point out, the drinking had nothing to do with this.
This is sad news. You both now need to be tested for STD's. If she was that drunk then I am sure she did not use a condom.
You read my mind. No matter what she says happened during the ONS, you have to assume the worst for the specific purpose of protecting your health. She's admitting to touching someone else's body fluids / private parts. You have to also assume (again for health purposes) that she may have done this before this particular incident but just hasn't admitted it to you. I'm not saying she has. Just get the testing done.
1. Seek professional help for yourself from a professional counselor who specializes in helping victims of infidelity to recover.
2. If the emotional roller-coaster becomes too much for you, go see your doctor to have him/her prescribe you AD (ant-depressants).
3. As bandit.45 said, you should tell your wife that your marriage is on probationary status and that there are no guarantees from you that you will not choose to divorce her later on if you deem it to be the only way for you to move on from the ordeal of her betrayal. She should have no illusions that this is going to be something that will be easy to overcome.
4. Choose an MC (marriage counselor) who has a proven track record in helping couples with infidelity. I would go so far that once you find one to go to the first counseling session by yourself in order to gauge if this person will be putting more emphasis on the marital issues as an excuse for your wife's betrayal. If you find this to be the case, dump him/her from anymore counseling sessions and move on to find another. You have no idea what the magnitude of the damage that a bad MC can cause to a BS who is reeling from his/her spouse's betrayal. So caveat emptor - LET THE BUYER BEWARE.
5. Forgiveness has nothing to do with R (reconciliation) and it does not absolve - wipe the slate clean - the unfaithful from facing the consequences of his/her betrayal including divorce. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself NOT to your unfaithful spouse. I forgave my ex-wife but chose to divorce her anyway. I did it to exorcise the demons of anger and bitterness from my heart so that I could heal and move on with my life.
If any of your friends, male or female, helped create this environment where this could happen, or even encouraged it, you need to find out and then personally eject them from your life and your wife's. It sounds like none of them stepped in to try to break her and the guy up, so they are no friends of yours.
Another thing I need to mention is this; Its sounds like you are right out of college, so that means you are still a relatively young man. You ned to be questioning whether this woman can go the distance and be a companion and wife to you for the rest of your life. I'm thinking she doesn't have it in her.
What Shaggy said is true: once the horror of what she has done has worn off, and she realizes she is not the woman she thought she was, her chances of cheating on you again are very high, because she will know how to get away with it the next time she is enticed by another man.
You are young. You have 2 children with this woman. You have only been married a short time and have gone through no real hardships in your marriage until now. Think of it: if she is this weak just beacause you both have to work and cannot see each other, and she feels compelled to cheat on you....that is a sorry a*s reason to cheat and she knows it. She's already making excuses. The "we were drifting apart...." routine is right out of the Cheater's Bible, and funny that was the first excuse she came up with.
I'm not advocating splitting up with her. Maybe she is truly remorseful. Like Shaggy says, only time will tell if she is sincere in her remorse.
But do you really want to risk the rest of your future on this woman? Think about that long and hard. It would be better to split up and work together as co-parents than face a marriage full of doubt and constant hypervigilance. Its just not a happy way to live a life.