Martin12

This is very reminiscent of my recent situation, except I was out of the country when it started and of course every marriage is different.

From my experience, these lost loves are very dangerous to a marriage. First, they have been mulled over and idealized for years. Second, they have none of the baggage, history, resentments, and practical problems that a long marriage accumulates.

I had the "pleasure" of reading some of the emails between my wife and the OM after-the-fact as they were getting back in touch with each other. It went from 0 - 250 mph in about two weeks.

Before I knew the extent of what was going on, I naively posted here about my wife having an EA. Many posters advised that it was likely to have gone physical. They were right. They advised me to disrupt the affair by calling the OM's wife, etc. They were right.

Based on what you have said, I believe that your husband is having a physical affair. All of the signs are there - their opportunity to meet, close emotional connection, his abstention from sex with you, him looking for an exit.

My wife was saying she wanted to dump me while she was texting and calling this guy 30 times a day. And that was before they met.

This is an extreme situation and you have to force him to make a choice.

Jellybeans

went up to him in bed and said that I dont want him to go, i love him and need him, i wont let him go, lets try, we can make things better, lets simplify our lives and change things, work on it together, etc.....

I started getting a little sexual with him...not groping him, just letting him know subtly with my body that i wanted him....oh yeah, and i said "i want you so bad"..... he reponded with " sex was never the problem with us" ..i could feel he was getting turned on physically, but he didnt make a move.

YOu did the WORST absolute thing you can do with a wayward: you groveled. Can't take ti back since it's done already but you absolutely MUST STOP DOING THIS. Immediately. His head is so far up in the fog tunnel that th eonly thing you groveling will do is push him farther and farther away. Guaranteed.

The only thing that may wake him up is you putting your foot down. STAT. "I don't deserve this. I deserve a lot better than someone who is telling me they aren't over their ex and want to see how it goes with her. I am no back up plan. If you want time to figure it out, leave, but there are no promises I will be here when you get back. I am committed to our marriage, 100%, but not if you are having an affair and needing time to go off to find out if things will work out w/ someone else. It sets a horrible example for our children and shows you do not respect me as a wife, as your spouse, as a woman."

BE FIRM. Being cute and trying to have sex wit hhim and telling him how bad you want him and how you won't let him go is NOT the answer.

OMG ............NO!

That is your 2x4. You need to tell him all of the above. Today. Yesterady. Fast. And stick to it. Until he sees you respect yourself, he won't respect you at all. He is showing you over and over agian.

Honestly, he's gone already, IMO. So stop trying to hold onto him. Let go or be dragged in the process. The sooner you can let him go, the better for you. He may wake up and realize what a complete a$$ he is being and how unfairly he is treating you.

You asked--yes, an emotional affair is still an affair. I have said it 100x and will say it again, I believe an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. Because it's your heart strings, your feelings. If this were an EA iwth someone he just met, I wouldn't think it was as bad. But because this EA is from someone he knew in childhood/once dated, I think it's the absolute worst of the worst.

The fact he hasn't had sex with you in a month...and rejected you sexually and told you he wouldn't sleep w/ you felt he wasn't committed, and has told he's not over her... all leads me to believe his affair w/ her has, in fact, become physical.

An emotional affair + a physical affair = Molotov ****tail. It's the machete of all affairs, the one that cuts the deepest.

She is lying when she tells him she doesn't want to "start anything" if he's not separated... that is bullsh!t. They have been having an affair since they started contacting eachother again.

Please please find your dignity and self-respect as a woman and get rid of this guy. Today. Tell him you are not going to be his Plan B, C or Z. CaUse that's what you are right now. His go-to plan if nothing works out w/ her. His 2nd choice. His ragdoll he can take out of the toy box whenever he feels like playing w/ it.


STOP BEING a DOORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

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Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

Jellybeans

They are THE WORST.

Right now, he's "fence-sitting." So move the fence for him. Tell him he has to choose.

Get the Love Must be Tough book and read it this weekend. James Dobson. Can get it at your local library for free.

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Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

survivorwife

WOW! How ironic to me it is that I followed your advise two months BEFORE reading this post of yours! In a sense, you just validated my thinking and actions, and I thank you for that.

cdm9999

Thanks...I will try to be strong but need some time to get my thoughts and actions together.... this weekend, WH actually wants to do things with the kids and me for the holiday... i am not taking that as a good sign for us... i dont think that is the case, but still weird ... maybe he is thinking this might be the last time all together.?........i need to gather info during/after the weekend and find a lawyer .......I have no idea how to find a good one...... after the weekend and me gathering info, i will ask him one more time if he will stop all contact with the OW and work on us....then i will plan to make my move with all this.....It is just so hard to get thru the day.........BTW...ordered Love Must Be Tough...will be getting it in mail tomorrow.

sigma1299

Search for the 180 here and read up on it. Don't give him the comfort of acting like his wife - remember he is trying to better deal you yet keep you as back up in case it blows up - which deep down he knows it will. Can you say CAKE EATER!!!

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**Cheaters - Read This**

Jellybeans

Hang in there aand be firm. I would not as him if he wants to try again. You've already done that a ton and its the exact opposite of what you need to be doing. He already knows that. Please, or your dignity, do NOT do it again. You need to tell him you're not his back up plan. That book is great! I'm gllad you go it. Heed the advice!..
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jnj express

You need to start a hard 180, and show him you can exist w/out him

As to atty---go down to the family courts, spend a day or two, and watch different atty's in action----you need to get a bulldog

But before doing any of that---you might just call his bluff, and give him a hard dose of reality-------go to the bank, and take all the marital assets you are entitled to and put them in your name only. Make sure from now on he provides you with everything you need financially, and when you need it., from his earnings.

You cannot force him to love you/stay with you, and you do need to try and live a good happy life, at least for your kids sake.

Maybe after you have thrown the 180 at him for a while, and he sees you do not need him, maybe he just might realize what he is losing, and he might wake up

I would not give him the legal sep.---if you do that, you then become responsible solely for taking care of yourself, also it would waste marital assets you will want, should you D, if you both live in seperate homes.----just do the 180, let him stay in the house, and ignore him---do not cook, for him, do not wash his clothes, do not shop for him---let him do everything for himself----give him a good solid taste of reality, as to life on his own,----just be a roomate.

Up to now he has had no actionable consequences, in return for his little midlife crises----by the way the statistic for adulterus hookups---has a 97% FAILURE RATE!!!!!

Posse

You know it is an affair. I understand you don't want it to be, but wishing it weren't so won't make the problem go away. You can continue to play nice, but it is like putting a band aid on a giant, festering abscess.

My advice:

You need to become icy cold calm and distant in all your interactions with him.

If you are suffering from anxiety or depression from what is probably the most traumatic event you will experience in your life, see your doctor for medication for the short term. I have a good friend who is a doc, so I hear lots of stories (without any names, of course). You would be amazed at how much infidelity goes on and how many people wisely use medication to help them through the roughest parts. Infidelity knows no socioeconomic boundaries.

Before giving the final ultimatum, get your attorney lined up and ready to file the paperwork. Follow your lawyer's advice about taking joint money and putting it in your own account so you have money to get you by for the next few months.

Then TELL your husband, don't ask, TELL him the other woman needs to go or you guys are done. Be prepared for anger, blameshifting, denial, him leaving in a huff, etc. It will most likely happen.

Then file the next day. You will end up having to file to get his attention. He has to know he is going to lose you. Realize that you might have to press on with the divorce. He isn't married to you in any way but the technicality of the marriage certificate right now, though. His body may be present, but his mind is with the other woman. Your marriage as you knew it is dead and gone. By filing for divorce, maybe he will realize what he is losing and you can start a new marriage with him.

You need to be icy cold and firm with your husband. The more weakness you show, the lower the chances of him pulling his head out of his rear end.

I would say good luck, but luck isn't going to have anything to do with it. You are going to have to make your own luck now. I do wish you well and hope things work out for the best for you.

Jellybeans

Thiiiiiiiissssss!!!!

Survivorwife, this advice is absolutely 100% key.

YO\ou also have to lose your fear of "losing" him. Based on all of your posts, he is already gone.

And Posse is correct: it is already and has been an affair for awhile now. Don't kid yourself.

I don't agree that you could be "icy cold" to him but you need to find your self-respect and tell him what the score is & start treating him as you would a colleague: unemotional and to the point. He needs to see that you respect yourself cause right now all he sees is a groveling woman who is willing to put up with/tolerate the little crumbs he is throwing at you. His behavior is completely revolting, BTW.

Look at the big picture, this man has told you straight up he needs to figure out if it will work out with an ex of his before he can decide whether to stay married or not.

That is INSANE!!!! And totally unfair to you and absolutely does not have any of your best interests. Like I said, REVOLTING behavior 100%. When you told him you loved him, he put a pillow between you in the bed! That is not loving or kind. This guy, sorry to say, is acting like a straight up A$$hole!!! Would you treat a friend like this? Would you ever treat him like this? The answer is NO.

Stand up for yourself. NOW!

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

Phenix70

Right now, you're behavior is making you highly undesirable, no one wants someone to beg them to stay & that's what you're doing.
Get a back bone & refuse to let this man treat you this way.
"Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.”- Tucker Max

If your WS wants to spend time with your kids this wknd, let him, just don't be there too.
You don't have to tell him what you're doing, just say you have plans.
STOP being so available & don't worry that he's going to go running to her, he already is.
This is about getting back your pride, your self worth & not letting him walk all over your marriage.
It's also time for an ultimatum, her or you right now, no more waiting to decide, like he's test driving a car.
Own your self esteem & tell him you are DONE being his doormat.

Shaggy

Along with the 180, and actually calling him out for what he is pulling, I recommend you also expose his affair to the light of day.

Find everything you can about the OW, and then send a note to each important person in her life about what she is doing going after your husband.

Do the same thing with your family and friends.

His affair is a fantasy world of fun and joy. You need to introduce the real world to it big time.

As for money - he may leave but he is financially responsible for everything as if he was still there. That means mortgage,car insurance, health insurance, kids shoes, vacations for this kids etc. AND spousal support for you.

This is another form of introducing reality to his fantasy world - he doesn't just get to switch teams and take his uniform and equipment to the other side.

I also think he's lying to you about not taking it physical because she is so honorable. Cheaters lie, and anyone who would be in affair like this are liars. Both him and her.

The fact that he blew you off for sex, is because he is afraid of betraying her.

edit to add:

Another bit of reality to introduce to this fantasy world is that he is still the father of all those kids. That means not just his money, but his time as well. He doesn't get to use you as a safe baby sitter while he runs off to the OW.

Jellybeans

I would definitely out the affair to her husband. Do so without any warning to your husband or the OW. Read the threads in my signature(s) on how to do this.

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Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

cdm9999

Hi...I did take your advice and I did read Love Must Be Tough .... it really shed light on what has to be done. And it made sense to me.

As far as other advice given:
I am still confused about the exposure part of this... I don't really understand that. I can see contacting her spouse and telling his/my family members but to do the whole exposure to our friends/her friends, etc seems like I would look petty and immature. And seems to contradict 180. I think he might be relieved that I broke the news...and I just think it is a nasty thing to do........not that he doesnt deserve it, but I dont want to lower myself and seem like a petty, revengeful b**ch....i dont know about the exposure thing...am i looking at this wrong? Would I still be effective without doing the massive exposure and I dont think the book advocates this, does it?

Also, I don't know how to handle this with the kids... now I plan to tell him "HER or ME right now" and see if he agrees to transparancy and if i see remorse (Personally, i think he will just me mad at me)...so, assuming he won't let her go immediately and i start filing for D, what do I say to kids? when do i tell them? what do i tell them? (remember ages 18,17,12,6) ...I really dont know how to handle this part of it.

Almostrecovered

I actually posted about my thoughts on exposure yesterday but the OP must've deleted his thread so I will recap

I believe exposure is best used for destroying the affair, I understand the desire for revenge by many (including myself) but to me exposure should be done for a purpose. Note that exposing does not always work but as a BS dealing with an ongoing affair there are not many tools you have to use.

1) exposure to OM/OW's spouse is a MUST, they deserve to know plain and simple. The OMW/OWH is operating in a marriage without all of the facts. Aside from the simple morality there, letting them know will often cause the AP to throw your spouse under the bus in order to save their own skin. Other benefits include that the OMW/OWH may already know more or different things than you do and can provide info or an extra set of eyes.

2) exposing to friends and family is the next step, throwing the affair into the light takes away the excitement and if you have family and friends who are not accepting of such behavior then being shunned by them will sometimes help your WS see that they are not justified in their choice to cheat. Note that you can come across enablers, toxic friends or those who choose to bury their heads in the sand

3) last resort is exposure to work if it is a work affair or the work has a code of conduct, to me this is a last ditch attempt in most cases (except maybe military as CO's can be helpful in ending the affair) and should be tread upon lightly, if D is imminent then it can affect the amount of money you get for support etc

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