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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-24-2012, 05:18 PM   #16 (permalink)
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so now here we r today my wife has sided with her friends against me so many times i can't even count. But i feel like my best friend is gone forever. We don't even talk much less do any of the things we used to when we were first married.

What should i do.
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Your marriage is over - you just do not want to face it.

If you can not consider divorce - then try to make the best of a cheating, lying, disrespectful, wife who values her friends over you and your marriage.

You must both want to make the marriage work or all attempts to fix it are doomed to fail.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:23 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Your marriage is over - you just do not want to face it.

If you can not consider divorce - then try to make the best of a cheating, lying, disrespectful, wife who values her friends over you and your marriage.

You must both want to make the marriage work or all attempts to fix it are doomed to fail.
TDSC60 is right. If there isn't 1005 commitment from both parties to make it work, then the marriage is over. You have caught her a bunch of times trying to cheat. Well, I'm guessing that there are times that you didn't catch her.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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i guess i was hoping to hear of a magic cure, but i guess not. Tell me how it is that all of what i wrote sounds so right to me but obviously not to anyone else. Does anyone have any advice on how i can save this marriage. We don't have money for a therapist someone must have been in the same boat.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
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i would like to hear female view points as well.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:25 PM   #20 (permalink)
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these r stinging guys
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:27 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:27 PM   #22 (permalink)
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You don't have money for a Therapist? GREAT!!! because it wouldn't have worked anyway. Go back and read the part that says that if you do not have 100% commitment from BOTH parties to make it work, then it won't happen.

What is your wife's stance on this. You said that she's listen to her friends. What exactly is being said?
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:30 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtin View Post
i guess i was hoping to hear of a magic cure, but i guess not. Tell me how it is that all of what i wrote sounds so right to me but obviously not to anyone else. Does anyone have any advice on how i can save this marriage. We don't have money for a therapist someone must have been in the same boat.
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Therapy is cheaper than divorce, believe me!
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:30 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Of course this is supposed to sting! DUDE!!! You cheated on your wife several times! You need to own up to what YOU did wrong first! Your really haven't expressed too much ownership here!

Your more concerned about what she's doing to you. But, you need to consider what your actions have done to her!
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:31 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Serial cheaters cheat for life.... Just saying.

My ex h is living proof. I was smart and left his arse. I'm in a very healthy relationship now and married for the best 12 years of my life.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:37 PM   #26 (permalink)
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crossbar dude i screwed up those two time what else is there to own up to. And does it not matter that one of my errors occurred at the age of 20 and we were not married. What stupid things did u do back then. Im sure there's a few.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:38 PM   #27 (permalink)
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i knew so of these replys were going to be harsh.so u guys r saying that either get a divorce or i should let her continue to punish me for 11 more years til were even.
No one here has suggested that you let her continue to punish you until the two of you are even.

For one thing, the two of you will never be “even”. You are the one who broke the marriage with your two affairs. Her actions are in response to the death you dealt to your marriage.

There is a slim, very slim, chance that you can save this marriage and actually go on to have a good marriage after this. It will take years for both of you to get over the pain you have both dealt to each other. You will both have to look deep inside of yourselves to change yourselves.

It sounds like you might be willing to do this. But it’s not clear your wife is. So if you want to save your marriage you will need to talk to your wife and find out if she is willing to stop her games and work on the marriage and fidelity. If she is not, you have nothing to save…your marriage is over.

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I admitted my mistakes. I have apologized many times and and the first time i screwed up was before we were married. I never slept with anyone else but pat since we've been married. And dude just because someone is out of Ur league doesn't mean u should bow down either .
Your choice of words is very indicative of your mindset. “Mistakes”.

The affairs were not ‘mistakes’. They were conscious decisions.

Your wife does not care that you were not married to her the first time you cheated, you were living with her hence you were in a committed relationship with her. And the only reason you stayed with her was because she was pregnant. She knows this and does not feel loved by you. To her the affairs confirm that.

You married your wife only because she was pregnant with your baby. You might have come to love her, but this marriage would have never happened had she not been pregnant. There is a HUGE possibility that she now believes that you do not and have never loved her. Have you ever told her that you were going to break up with her until you found out that she was pregnant?

Something has broken in your wife.

She is cheating on you. So tell her that her choice is to either give up all the cheating activity, the lies and go to MC w/you or you will file for divorce.

The only other choice, going on the way it is going is not acceptable.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:39 PM   #28 (permalink)
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hurtin,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your problem sounds much deeper than you would like to believe (it's usually the other way around).

I see red flags of buried resentment towards pat in many of your sentences. I also see clear traces of insecurity.

Your first child may have had to endure some of your subconscious resentments towards yourself, your wife and your daughter as well.

These things have resulted in a toxic and complex situation where you can not think clearly anymore.

So back to your original question: Is it my fault?

Is it your fault that you're not feeling okay? YES

Is it your fault that your wife has betrayed your trust? NO

Is it your fault that your fault that your wife doesn't trust you? YES

The biggest question:

Is it your fault that this marriage might fail?

Yes partially though.

I would say, if you're being truthful about not having slept with anyone but Pat since you got married, and you were remorseful after that 3-month friendship with the bar lady, then I would say Pat is emotionally abusing you at this point.

There is no ending to this unless both you and Pat achieve a good level of self-awareness. None of you sound like you know who you are anymore.

Individual counseling is a must. You can't force your wife to do anything, so start with yourself. In a while you'll have a clear head and the ability to apply logic to your decisions.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:43 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: is it my fault

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Originally Posted by hurtin View Post
i guess i was hoping to hear of a magic cure, but i guess not. Tell me how it is that all of what i wrote sounds so right to me but obviously not to anyone else. Does anyone have any advice on how i can save this marriage. We don't have money for a therapist someone must have been in the same boat.
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If you really want to save your marriage, get a telephone conseling session with Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. He handles the sort of sitauation you find yourself in right now. Buy his book "Surviving an Affair" and read it, do what it says. Then look at the books linked to below under building a passionate marriage for when/if you get your wife to re-build your marriage.

The fact that your wife has not left you yet means that there might be a chance.

That's the best advice I can give.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:46 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: is it my fault

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i guess i was hoping to hear of a magic cure
The magic cure to all your problems is self-awareness. You're not living until you become self-aware. Being self-aware means understanding the reason behind and the consequence of every single decision you make in life.
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