I do not need her forgiveness. Only God's. That is HER burden of unforgiveness to carry, not mine!
Also not necessary to bash your fellow brother, just because of MY choices I'm making in MY life. I'm here for advice just like everyone else is/has been. Most people are here with hopes of reconciling. Just because I might not agree with YOUR advise, although I mostly do, does not give you the right to be insensative or sarcastic at the expense of another's pain and hurt.
Your actions/inactions and goals WILL ultimately hurt you. Have a look at few other infidelity stories and see how they end when the betrayed spouse goes chasing the cheater. Good luck buddy, you'll need it.
@baldman, God is LOVE, to me when you stop loving her you also choose to leave God. I will never stop loving her. Unconditional love I'm referring is loving someone expecting nothing in return and regardless of how they treat you. Just because I will continue to unconditionally love her does not mean that after awhile I will still NOT divorce her. Because after awhile I will divorce her and still love her while doing so. Its just that right now, I still have the desire and interest of reconciling our family. When that desire leaves, I will file for divorce. But even then I will still love her, unconditionally.
The problem, though, is this attitude will not save your family. She has no motivation to change her behavior if there are no consequences for HER poor choices.
In your shoes, I would expose and then serve her with divorce papers. The process can be stopped if she comes back, but YOU need to take actions that shows her that there are consequences for being a cheater.
This nice-guy-love-you-unconditionally attitude you show her will not save your marriage.
I know it is a popular idea, but, when you really examine love, I think it should be conditional. If someone is mistreating you, as your wife has done and contines to do, you should stop loving her.
Again, to each his own according to his faith. I strongly believe the Bible which states God is LOVE. If you believe as well how can you stop loving? Trust me, I understand. I'm not perfect and am the poster child for what I'm speaking out now against because I, even though subconsciously, chose to stop loving my wife when I though she was being disrespectful, etc. so yes I understand where you come from. But do you see where it got me? God is love. You lose LOVE, you lose God. I will no longer lose LOVE for anyone again, regardless of how they treat me, if they disagree with me, or whatever. Even with you and Count, I still respect your opinions and their is no love lost at all.
Sorry your wife is in the affair fog, it sucks and Iv'e been down this road. Even though your wife thinks the grass is greener on the other side you can change her perspective on that by making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.
So yes, expose the crapout of her behaviors. In addition stop being so nice and start out with some tough love here. Until OM is complerely out of the picture you are in a lossing battle.
Even though your main issue is your WW you also have another front to battle, so please investigate the OM and the more info you have on him then you can start making his life uncomfortable and dating a married women may not be worth the effort.
There is a ton of stuff out there that will help you fight. Always remember to never beg or cry for your marriage. The best thing you can offer your WW right now is the same hate....well lets say indifference your wife has for you.
This tactic will solidify the perception that you are moving on. The harder you push her away the sooner she will second guess the thought of lossing you and her family.
I hope your a good actor, b/c its tough to show someone you love so much with the indifference you must have to get her to see the reality of her choices.
I hope you see this?
I pray that God gives you the strength to pull this off.
I know its odd, eveything in your being tells you to show her more love and she will come back to you...You couldn't be more mistaken in your life. You must pretend that the love has left and you are confident enough to move on with your kid and find another women to help you be a mother to your child.
Ya, ya I get you don't want to take the kid away from his mom, but the point to this tactic is again to show your WW the reality of her choices.
This is the hardest battle you will ever have to face, thats why it hurt so damb much. But with all your strength you must get her to believe she will lose her family completely before she even start to second guess her choices.
See, your wife is basing her dicisions on some fantasy, you have to get mean and piss her off, before she starts to think twice in what she's about to lose.
Sorry my reply so long, but the tough love approach is your best bet in getting her out of the fog. I've been on TAM long enough to tell you with certianty that as soon as you start faking the fact that you are letting her go the sooner she will start seeing the reality and the consequences that her behavior have to offer her.
Any other tactic or soft approach will leave you in a painful torture of limbo and mind games.
The problem, though, is this attitude will not save your family. She has no motivation to change her behavior if there are no consequences for HER poor choices.
I completely agree! And if she still doesn't come around then I'm fine with that!
In your shoes, I would expose and then serve her with divorce papers. The process can be stopped if she comes back, but YOU need to take actions that shows her that there are consequences for being a cheater.
I will expose her, but again.. Lol.. It is not my place to 'show her' or 'teach her a lesson'... And I won't do anything spiteful if i could help it.
This nice-guy-love-you-unconditionally attitude you show her will not save your marriage.
Again, loving her unconditionally is VERY misunderstood by you guys! Lol. I will divorce her while still loving her!
Again, my hope is to reconcile! Lol. I understand if you might think I should give up or call it quits, but that is not the direction I want to go. I have forgiven her for her transgressions. Do not hate her at all. And right now I am still able to look past her infidelity. If I get to the point where I can't then that's different but right now I am forgiving, and hope that she will be delivered from this self destructive path. If not for the depression and bipolar issues I would likely not have been as forgiving, honestly.
Sometimes throwing in the towel ends up being the first step to R. As long as she knows you are pursuing her she is going to keep her distance. Most likely she isn't going to come around UNTIL you give up on her. When she thinks you are no longer trying to win her back she will stop feeling pressure to come back and may relax her stance.
That's just human nature.
There's nothing you can do or say to her to make her want to R but plenty to make her want to D. Best bet is leave her alone (do expose the A though) and if its meant to be then one day she may come back.
Good luck, godlyman. I'm sure if your pray enough, God will fix this dilema for you.
Yes he will! And that doesn't mean he will 'save' our marriage. But he will reveal his plan for my life overall, and that in itself is a fix to my situation.
I think it would be helpful if you could separate proselytizing from asking for marital advice.
And like everyone else here, I wish you well, but I don't have high hopes for your situation.
Of course you love her. That's fine. Now what?
Exposure, then wait, then if nothing, divorce! That's all I could do. I actually have the highest of hopes but if all fails I will still be content because my happiness resides in knowing I've done all I can.
I must admit, I have no idea how anyone can love someone unconditionally. It makes zero sense to me.
And, while not terribly religous or versed in the Bible, Koran or Torah etc, can I ask if these books really require we love people unconditionally? That seems nuts to me.
Well, then divorce her and love her. But, do not allow her to treat you like crap.
Her transgressions are not against me so I do not take them personal. Her rebellion is first and foremost against God. He will deal with her much better than I can.
But yes I will divorce her buddy. After I've exhausted all the sensible available options. This exposure one is the last one. I actually was getting ready to divorce her, before finding out about this exposure thing. Might work, might not. But its worth a try definitely.
Yes he will! And that doesn't mean he will 'save' our marriage. But he will reveal his plan for my life overall, and that in itself is a fix to my situation.
Godlyman, I mean no disrespect for you or your faith. However, if God's plan will be revealed to you, why not just wait for it to appear? Why are you asking a bunch of strangers (and heathens) for answers?
I must admit, I have no idea how anyone can love someone unconditionally. It makes zero sense to me.
And, while not terribly religous or versed in the Bible, Koran or Torah etc, can I ask if these books really require we love people unconditionally? That seems nuts to me.
I understand you brother. But God loved US so much that he gave his only begotten Son, that we may not perish but have everlasting life. Knowing we were sinners and doomed. He still forgave us and showed us grace and mercy and LOVE by sending his perfect, sinless Son to die for OUR sins. As believers we are expected to walk and live as Jesus did. In LOVE.
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Re: How do I stop my wife's affair? 
