My husband has been posting to internet dating sites. I have no proof of an acutally affair, but I did receive a email, by accident, that linked me to his internet dating profile. I want to confront him about this and demand that he remove it. This is completely unacceptable to me. I don't know if I am being stupid assuming that nothing has happened beyond just posting to these sites. I am not sure what to do or how to go about it. But if this behaviour contuines I cannot participate in this marriage. It is a lack of respect of me and takes away all the trust I have. Any help would be great, I don't know where to turn or what to do.
I confronted too early and lived in misery for months. I guarantee that he will lie, minimize, say he did it to get access to something else, say it happened by THEM filling it out and sending him a free trial, say he did it for "fun" but didn't meet anyone, say someone hacked his email, whatever, it will come and IT WONT BE THE TRUTH.
You need to know what he is up to and it is the hardest thing in the world. You need to wait and see what he does next. Do you have access to his email? How did you find out? How long have you been married?
He may be up to nothing at all or he may be up to no good. You will NEVER know if you confront now. My H destroyed the hard drive after I confronted. Had I waited and got all the data off first, I would have saved tons of stupid fights and denials. Wait.
C.L, the degree of danger of your husband trying to line up an affair can be partially judged on your sex life. Simply put, a man (or woman) who isn't getting much action at home is more likely to stray. Depending on age, a good benchmark for a guy less than 35 is 2-3 times a week. Most want more but from my experience will not complain much with that frequency and will not use that as an excuse to cheat. The male ego, being the devil it is, will often cause a man to attempt to prove he is still desirable to the opposite sex if his wife is making him believe he is not. The proof of the pudding is whether she is consistently responsive. (unless there are reasonable reasons she cannot be. Constantly having headaches, being too tired, and not in the mood ain't reasonable reasons)
Oftentimes, men peruse the internet out of curiosity with no real intention of lining something up. The fact that his is looking doesn't necessarily mean he is planning. Albeit, such activity can suck a guy deeper and deeper into it and get him into a situation he didn't plan to be. You must to talk with him about how it upsets you. Yes, It is a lack of respect of you and understandably takes away the trust you have. If he has any sense, he'll stop. If not, you'll know where you stand and can take the appropriate action.
@LostWifeCrushed
We are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. I don't have access to his email accounts. I received a junk email, this site apparently links in your address book and sends out an automated email. I saw the entire profile he posted with photos that were taken a month ago. And saw his listing of "what he was looking for" etc. I really feel betrayed to be truthful. The secrets and lack of respect for me is REALLY bothering me.
@fvstringpicker
Our sex life has never been a problem. He is 36 and I am 30, I would never deny his advances and am more than happy to have more than 2-3 times a week. I am holding hope that since I don't have proof, that it is like you say, just looking around. But again, not sure if I am just being stupid. Feel really lost and confused at the moment!
LostWife, it appears to me that when he destroyed the hard drive as a result of your confrontation, you had prima facie evidence. Like we say in law, "Res Ipsa Loquitur".
C.L. you need to tell him how you feel. You should feel betrayed and the lack of respect should bother. ( he's not viewing it that away because your not suppose to know) If you're never denying him and it more than 2-3 a weeks, I don't think he's going to be chasing other women unless he has a sex addiction problem. Most 36 year old men cannot stock two shelves, if you know what I mean. Get this out on the table and get it out now. If you don't you're going to be on a slow burn and it will affect your relationship. He doesn't have any business on these sites anyway. Tell him if he's going to keep perusing these sites, you may need to set you up an account to join in on the fun.
Reading your recent post again you seem rather vague in your answer. You say you "wouldn't" deny his advances. Out of that I assume that he just doesn't make as many advance. (I might be wrong with that. If so, please correct).
I do agree with FV on his take about what guys "need". However I do not agree with the idea of why your H might be having his profile. I know of countless guys who have profiles on dating sites, many of them married, not one of them "just for looking". There are clear intentions.
If you confront him, I, too, believe it will go exactly like LWC mentioned. He will lie and you will get even more confused. He will learn, though, about his technical mistake, which might hold him back for a while. But he will go at it again sooner or later.
To me he is definitely holding his feelers out and his motivation is sex.
I hate to suggest that, but he might have lost his sexual appetite for you (an issue that is much more common than most people would guess). You could maybe test it by initiating sex more often by yourself for the next couple of times and see how he reacts to it.
@LostWifeCrushed
We are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. I don't have access to his email accounts. I received a junk email, this site apparently links in your address book and sends out an automated email. I saw the entire profile he posted with photos that were taken a month ago. And saw his listing of "what he was looking for" etc. I really feel betrayed to be truthful. The secrets and lack of respect for me is REALLY bothering me.
If that is enough, then you don't need more. I had no proof of anything other than a few session cookies on a live sex site. Men seeking women....etc. Basically, it looked like you could check out each other in real time chat and also hook up. Um, I didn't wait around for more. I wanted out at that. Got a full STD panel and drew up papers. Don't play around with this stuff. Its not porn if they can meet------its a loaded gun. They are playing with fire.
If you don't want to let your marriage go without absolute proof of physical infidelity (the often legal line back before no-fault)? You need in-your-face evidence. Tough, tough place to be in.
I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to someone's address book, that just sounds odd.
C.L. you need to tell him how you feel. You should feel betrayed and the lack of respect should bother. ( he's not viewing it that away because your not suppose to know) If you're never denying him and it more than 2-3 a weeks, I don't think he's going to be chasing other women unless he has a sex addiction problem. Most 36 year old men cannot stock two shelves, if you know what I mean. Get this out on the table and get it out now. If you don't you're going to be on a slow burn and it will affect your relationship. He doesn't have any business on these sites anyway. Tell him if he's going to keep perusing these sites, you may need to set you up an account to join in on the fun.
I, personally, really like the idea with joining in on the fun. I do want to give the warning, though, that he might pick you up on that idea.
LostWife, it appears to me that when he destroyed the hard drive as a result of your confrontation, you had prima facie evidence. Like we say in law, "Res Ipsa Loquitur".
@ the renegade
I meant that I don't deny him when he wants to have sex. We both equally initiate sex. I have thought of twisting things as in "how would you feel if I had a site" feel him out.
@LWC
I have no idea why the site sent out an email, if it hadn't I would be completely in the dark. I might have had feelings occassionally that something was off, but other than that, nothing. So, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.
I also find it strange that the site would email a profile to someone's address book, that just sounds odd.
Totally with you on that. the clientele of those sites is usually very interested in discretion. And the sites should be very aware of that. Believe they would risk a lot of business if they apply systems like that. Yes, strange.
Totally with you on that. the clientele of those sites is usually very interested in discretion. And the sites should be very aware of that. Believe they would risk a lot of business if they apply systems like that. Yes, strange.
Yeah absolutely no idea why it happened, but it did. I got a message into my junk mail that allowed me to link directly to his site. But I am SURE that it was a totally accident that I received it!
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Internet Cheating 
