there is no way you are dealing with a normal,non personaluty disordered person, IMO. And, there is now way the cheater loves you.
I say this because of the incredible amount of effort he or she put inot leading a double life and the fact that doing so seems to have noadverse effect on them.
Thye sleep like babies. They function at work. They are pretty good at covering their tracks and keeping track of their lies.
These skills are developed throughout a lifetime.
Ask yourself: if I ever crossed that line, could I pull this masquerade off so long and so well? No, a normal person just does not have this within him/her.
The onlt cheaters who I think are salvageable are those who stopped really early and who showed signs of it having affected them.
Years? No way you are dealing with a normal person.
Yeah, I know. I guess it is my nature, trying to make sense of what makes no sense.
I have had a ton of counseling and have a good handle on both why I was targeted and why I tolerated this crap. Really looked within and am very much more aware now.
I made ths thread because there seems to be a decent number of these situations where a BS is attempting to reconcile with a long term cheater or a seriial cheater. IMO, after a ton of research, I think that is not possible. These folks are wired differently.
The duration, number of partners, and the carefree way they acted during the affair are really important factors to consider in assessing the WS, IMO.
This is exactly what I mean. A long term cheater is the type of person that would beat a horse.
Liam i dont think that is what AR meant. You have to get it together. What are you doing today? Can you get together with friends or family? Take it minute by minute.
Try not to talk or think about cheaters. Have a fun time, go to the beach, pool or movies. We are going to see MIB this evening, should be good.
Liam i dont think that is what AR meant. You have to get it together. What are you doing today? Can you get together with friends or family? Take it minute by minute.
Try not to talk or think about cheaters. Have a fun time, go to the beach, pool or movies. We are going to see MIB this evening, should be good.
I have a date with my GF. Dinner and moovie, I expect.
Yesterday, I played golf at a great course with some other pros and had a cookout at one guys house. Lots of fun and talking(no infidelity talk).
Tomorrow, I tee it up with three good friends, then get my son from Group Home and we go to an amusment park.
Monday, tee it up with a couple of my golf students and just hang out.
MY X FIL invited me to play, as well.
I head for AZ to look at houses in June. Hilton Head in August. Pinehurstin October.
Qulaifier for the US Senior Open in July.
there is no way you are dealing with a normal,non personaluty disordered person, IMO. And, there is now way the cheater loves you.
I say this because of the incredible amount of effort he or she put inot leading a double life and the fact that doing so seems to have noadverse effect on them.
Thye sleep like babies. They function at work. They are pretty good at covering their tracks and keeping track of their lies.
These skills are developed throughout a lifetime.
Ask yourself: if I ever crossed that line, could I pull this masquerade off so long and so well? No, a normal person just does not have this within him/her.
The onlt cheaters who I think are salvageable are those who stopped really early and who showed signs of it having affected them.
Years? No way you are dealing with a normal person.
I pulled it off flawlessly for a little more than a year.
It was the most stressful, self defeating, depressing, terrifying, lowest, guilt ridden, soul sucking, wish I was dead, period of my life.
I will never do it again, not just because it`s immoral, not just because I`m not that selfish anymore, but a large portion of my reasoning is I never want to feel like such utter and complete **** like that again.
My ex-h pulled it off for 5 years, November 2006 through to May 2011 and then had another chance August 2011 through December 2012. In this last period it was amazing, how after completing therapy, how transparent his methods were. It's not that they pulled it off for years and years, that is not the issue, it's that we were co-dependent for that many years, and facilitated it. At least in my case. Not sure about yours but things got a lot easier after I took responsibility for my part in the whole charade. What a ride!
My wife was a serial cheater for 6+ years (3 OM) before finding out about her affairs. She pleaded with my grown daughter that inside she was so confused and it was driving her crazy. My daughter countered, Oh really... you just played us (family) seemingly just fine.
Almost 3 years out, it really will never make any sense... why bother wasting my life trying to "figure it out".
In my case, my fWW behavior snowballed into a self distruction of sorts. Once you see the one person that should love you and then stops... along with alot of abuse it can have a self distructing effect.
Alls it took was the first couple of affairs and a couple a years and when the marriage is no longer a priority for both partners, then what does it matter. Compine that with some toxic friends and game on.
Yes my wife changed, did I care...no.
In short if (me) the husband doesn't care about the wife or the marriage then why not continue to have GNO's and ONS's and waking up in strange apartments.
13 years of this kind of behavior can have a toll on a person, can the unhealthy behaviors stop....yes. so now 2 years after confronting my wife, and a year of anger management has help me stop hitting her. a year of IC has helped her deal with the issues in her life. and a years worth of MC can make for a healthy marriage.
At the end of the day the length of time has no bearing, its what we do now as individuals to make a change for a healthier life style.
My WW's affair lasted 3 years- 12/08-2/12. But it was on/off several times in that span. They travelled for work together at times. My biggest fear is that there were other men, though not sure how that would change things. I guess finding any big new lie would kill it. I wish I knew the answers to some of Liam's questions. Obviously my WW has serious issues. But I have known of many of them for awhile. How do they manage the guilt for so long??
What made you finally end it? Did he continue contact? Posted via Mobile Device
He swerved the car with me in it after I'd asked him to avoid deep pooling on an exit ramp during a heavy rainstorm, and laughed about it.
Threatened suicide by car, then when I told him I was calling the Veteran's hotline he said it was only so I could collect the insurance as he'd make it look like an accident, because I only wanted his money (his words.) I explained to him that wasn't true as prior to him wanting another chance at marriage I would have divorced him...no next of kin no insurance money...
He came late to a movie saying he'd taken the time to shower, making it seem like it was really thoughtful of him to do so. His moustached smelled like p*ssy. When I mentioned it to him he looked really confused for a moment, then said I had a great imagination.
5 days later being 'intimate' (from my end, anyway) put my hand on scratches that had scabbed over on his right shoulder, right where one puts one's hand during that act, sometimes. When we were finished and some time had passed, I remarked to him that the scratches on his back were interfering with my feelings of trust and being close, especially during intimacy. He could not explain where the scratches came from...it was the middle of winter, no blood on any of his tee-shirts...he complained that I didn't trust him. I said no I don't, that's why I'm living in my own apartment, because you lied to me for 5 years and then took advantage of me last April when you were home on leaving, using condoms as I'd asked to avoid pregnancy and then just slipping it in me one time and acting like it was a misunderstanding. (I filed rape charges against him for non-consenting sex act...) Why should I trust you, we are supposed to be building trust and I would really like an explanation for those scratches. Then he said I didn't WANT to trust him, I said no that's not the case. I do want to trust you that's why I didn't file for divorce and gave you another chance and let you stay in my apartment.
So he went into the kitchen...and looked me up and down and said maybe we should get a divorce.
I thought for a second and said to myself I can't go back to his house with my kids because any time he cheats it will end in him saying he wants a divorce, whenever my calm and rational demeanor and verbal exchange is short circuiting his gaslighting.
So I said, I agree, and he launched immediately into a bitter vicious verbal attack on me, telling me fine go back to my brother then. (My brother raped me when I was 12 or 13, and I have no contact with my family since 1995 when I got restraining orders against them.) He also called me a b*tch and said I got what I wanted (did not, I wanted a real marriage), and that I'd used his money to consult an attorney ($145.00!) he didn't mentioned any of the money I'd taken to move out...I think what bothered him is that I'd left the receipt and the entry in the joint checkbook to be accountable for the money I spent while he was deployed. I was very careful not to use it for frivolous activities, just caretaking of myself according to what my social worker said was acceptable to do for my recovery.
So, after the vicious verbal attack I said I was going to take the dog for a walk, and please be gone from my apartment when I got back, with your things. (My landlord is a police officer and knew my ex from a deployment in 1995 and didn't think highly of him.)
I have total respect for BS who can reconcile after years of an affair. My WS had a 4 week long PA (where they talked/texted daily) but only saw each other 1 or 2 times a week. His month long betrayal nearly killed me...so I can't imagine the pain of finding out the betrayal lasted for years. However we all have our limits. And I WILL find strength in pain, and I did.
64Likes
Look, If This Went on for Years.... 
retty nervous
